A brief review

Getting late and a paper waits...but I just finished a shorter one about 5 minutes ago, so let's call this a "reward". Pathetic perhaps, but interestingly accurate. I find nothing more soothing to the soul than a bit of journaling...for other's eyes or not.

Good day...much rain put my jeans in the "not wet but constantly soggy" category. Not as much fun as could be desired...but hey...schmedibluh. Awesome choir rehearsal (if you aren't planning on attending Vespers...start planning) and a good day of meetings and connections. Got to see Zach and Tina (and yet un-gendered papoose) for a brief little meeting of cards over blizzards and a bit of catch up. They seem to be adjusting well to their new army life, though I'm sure it will take some getting used to. Also had an IV team meeting (one of the last of this semester) and took some time to catch up with a few roomies. Yay for not being tunnel visioned with homework at least once a week or so. Not enough, but I'm working on it.

(Morning Coffee by Bill Cantos playing...out of context at the moment but awesome jazz and witty lyrics nevertheless)

This past weekend was a busy one, with IV Friday night and an IV staff exploration (aka, "any chance you want to come on full time IV staff after you graduate??") day. Said meeting was held in champaign, and Holly and I drove up together (and got quite turned around in the neighborhood of Green street and 6th avenue). The day itself was very interesting, as the thought of pondering anything but "the plan" in my future life is a bit scarier than I originally thought. However, regardless of whether I ever even seriously consider this option, it was a great time of prayer, personal reflection, and bible studies focusing on God's calling on and plan for my life. Great reminder of how often I plan because I know I should or because I want to and not because I am being attentive to the voice behind me. Indeed, I've been thinking much more about how "every plan is a tiny prayer to 'father time'" (as death cab put it...so close to entirely accurately).

I've been greatly challenged by some passages in Isaiah and the Psalms to that end lately, both at the conference and in a conversation with Dennis and Donna a few weekends ago. God is constantly reminding me to trust him lately...reminding me that as I look back on my past and ponder my future I'm not at all alone...reminding me that often the choices that I will make will not be nearly as crucial as the attitude and position of submissiveness that I must put myself in to truly walk in His way.

Hard to imagine that while He has a plan for me, His glory cannot be thwarted by my inability to chose correctly if my heart is truly in His hands. May it be so...I trust my ability to chose rightly and without ulterior motives about a negative eleventeen.

Yet He keeps encouraging...quieting...drawing...and making it quite clear that I am not the least bit in control.

"Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. ....The LORD confides in those who fear him; he makes his covenant known to them. My eyes are ever on the LORD, for only he will release my feet from the snare."
Psalm 25

"'Woe to the obstinate children,' declares the LORD, 'to those who carry out plans that are not mine, forming an alliance, but not by my Spirit, heaping sin upon sin. These are rebellious people, deceitful children, children unwilling to listen to the LORD's instruction. They say to the seers, "See no more visions!" and to the prophets, "Give us no more visions of what is right! Tell us pleasant things, prophesy illusions. Leave this way, get off this path, and stop confronting us with the Holy One of Israel!"

This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, A thousand will flee at the threat of one; at the threat of five you will all flee away, till you are left like a flagstaff on a mountaintop, like a banner on a hill." Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!

O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it."

Isaiah 30

Such amazing words...as bring joy to me like nothing else. I do not deserve such compassion, love, and care...not by a mile, not by a galaxy, not by all the soybeans in Decatur. Wow.

And speaking of Decatur...here I am again...and reward time is over.
thanks for letting me review

Paper...you've met your match

~*~ Savory ~*~

There's something about fall that was made to savor
I've been doing so often of late

Walking through the day with my eyes on the sky and not on my feet...in another few months I'll be on the lookout for ice...but now I'm on the lookout for which tree's hue looks best against brilliant blue.

Sipping hot coffee while it's steaming and begging me to stretch my fingers as far as they'll go around the mug and tuck my toes into the ends of the long legs of my sweatpants.

Feeling the breezes blow harder in corridors made by the buildings on campus...then escaping to a less chilly sheltered spot before ducking indoors.

Observing the little maple tree on my way in the back door. Chuckling a little at it's impressive stature of 7 feet...and shaking my head in amazement at the brilliance and quantity of pigment that are seen in every last one of it's junior sized leaves.

Staying up late on the phone to wait until my toes lose that "cold sheets like permafrost" feeling and finally settle into their cozy cocoon for the night.

Finally beginning to really contemplate "the papers" that must be completed before Thanksgiving break...and wondering how long it will take me to begin actually writing them.

Heading to the balcony for the few minutes that I can stand the temperature at night to ponder the stars, which are made ever clearer by the crisp cold.

Coming home after a long day and turning a boring can of soup into something piping hot and delicious with the help of a pot, a flame, and a bit of Italian seasoning and garlic salt.

Eating carmeled apples with friends and family over a good long chat.

Seeing the roomates congregate in the main parts of the house more than normal because other places get dark quicker and the cold seems to seep in less when there are friends around.

Enjoying the rosy flush that hits my cheeks after a good walk home from class...enough to get my heart rate up but never enough to raise the temperature of my skin.

Calling my mom and talking about plans for Thanksgiving guests...including the cleaning projects and the making of "the rolls". Punch, green beans, and THE famous mashed potatoes will also follow.

Watching kids on campus hold out on wearing a coat for as long as possible, replacing said "winter items" with hoodies, scarves, hats, shirts several layers deep, and bulky sweaters which appear toasty until they meet the piercing wind.

Heading to vespers rehearsal and trying to imagine what the songs will sound like once we finally pack Kirkland and file in under the lights. What it will feel like to pour our souls out to the audience with tidings of great joy to kick off the Christmas season. What it will feel like to pray for the soul of the person next to me, and wonder if they have any real comprehension of the joy and purpose and freedom that can be found in the very words that they are singing.

Aromas, tastes, sensations, friends, dreams, longings, freedom, joy, beauty, life, change.

Fall was made...
and savor I shall

The Train

Friday afternoon...near dusk and a crisp breeze setting in from the north. It's gonna be a chilly weekend.

I'm sitting in the computer lab just prior to running over to the chapel on campus to set up for IV large group. Seems like not ten minutes ago I was setting up for last week. Then again that feels like an eternity ago. For the first weekend in a few Matt's not down which is a bit sad but also probably good for both of our productivity levels. Mom and I and Casey travel to St. Louis tomorrow for a girl's day with Donna...something that hasn't happened in a good couple of years. Very excited to see her/them for a short time at least and get some time away from school. I'm definitely becoming tunnel visioned a bit as I battle through the onslaught of tests, papers, labs, and annotated bibliographies that have been my week in simplified form. Frustrated that I rarely find myself on the couch downstairs with my roomies just vegging for a few minutes because I'm afraid if I sat down I'd get up again sometime the next day.

Time seems to very much be slipping away. Somehow it's Vespers season already and as I watch the blur of the weeks go by I'm more and more aware of large changes on the horizon which are suddenly getting larger rather than staying a bulky and distant thing to view. I'm fascinated that sometimes the best way to keep your mind on the present is to throw yourself into the here-and-now as much as possible. But that is also the best way to end up far down a stretch of road that you don't remember traveling and much closer to the impending decisions, landmarks, and life stages.

I have the pleasure of watching a few good friends who are entering real transition states and watching them do it first. Jill is half way through her first year of teaching and thriving in her position but good at sharing temporary insecurities about being an "inbetween" college kid and adult. Holly will start student teaching next semester and is processing words like "graduation" with increasing fluency. Hillary is preparing to graduate next month and is looking to find her first real job and get married within the year. My academic mentor is gone....graduated and off to grad school and all that lies beyond. Chelsea and Alan are preparing to tie the knot in a matter of weeks. Andrea and Aaron are entering the medical field "for real" in their own ways. And behind me things keep changing too. Casey is college hunting and applicating at every spare minute. TJ is looking at high schools. Christmas has been designated as an "all family" event on my dad's side, with every cousin and brother that the "supertwins" (his mother and aunt) provided him and their offspring making an appearance. Both the twins and their spouses are getting up there in years and though in excellent health overall are experiencing their first real brushes with serious health complications. Though no one will say it, everyone knows that this is potentially the last time the whole family will be together. Hard to fathom. In my mind they are still as young and energetic as they are in my mom's wedding album...certainly "older" but never frail. Never gone.

As I observe the many significant people in my life I'm struck by the presence of a supportive "swirl" of people...who touch me and meaningfully change me as one small droplet in a larger brush stroke. And while they may not know where the next part of the stroke will take them it seems that time is going fast enough that I can watch it happen. I can see their stories in lines and pathways rather than individual chapters.

It's a beautiful view, really. A reminder of the direction and story that accompanies the day to day choices and opinions and tasks and frustrations and relationships and impressions and efforts and joys and blessings. It's just that somehow, when I was younger, I had an impression that life was safe because it was small...controlled...understandable. And while I always longed for adventure and conquest and great acts of courage I always knew that the things in my life were, mostly, constant. There are always parts of life that throw you curve balls, but ultimately my life has been steady and even...privilleged and free...happy and warm and inviting.

And it is....it still is. But suddenly the things that I always aspired to are beginning to make me feel trapped...not in something that I don't wish to do but in a mode of living, a pace of life that I'm not used to living. It's just like it was in second grade. The hill always looks inviting to the ambitious bike rider, but it's not until half way down that you realize that the stakes just got higher...a fall will hurt more, the road might be bumpier, and who knows whether you'll ever make it back to the top. The adventure of the fall is fun, and all that lies beyond "charted boundaries" calls us, but upon arriving we realize just how much we don't know and how much we took for granted back home.

I'm looking for grad schools...something I've wanted to do for longer than I can remember. I'm taking classes that are applicable and I love them...my passion is there, my excitement is there, my desire to help people is there, my love for the new and different is there...but I can't shake a feeling that when I jump I'll never come back. And I can't stop a warning sign in the back of my mind that says "Jump if you dare" from slowing my step just a bit as I approach the edge of the cliff. It looks awesome down there. But so does the rear-view mirror.

And while I ask for more time to make better decisions and to think through things more thouroughly I know that the circumstances won't change for staying longer. I'm not any less inclined now to jump than I ever will be...and I'll be better fit for the journey below if I can get there a bit sooner. And there's no time like the present. And God will meet me there. And it's all about faith. And we have the best road map we'll ever need. And God is faithful. And good things come to those who take a chance. And if you shoot for the moon and fall short you'll at least hit the stars.

But the swirl returns and sweeps away the cliches and the obvious answers and leaves only a few things remaining.

God has called me.
God has prepared me.
God desires glory.
I have that ability.

I will go.

And before I do I will take the time to truly appreciate this golden plateau, which for all its hardships and frustrations has trained and nurtured and developed me without me even noticing. It has primed the brush for my first real strokes; cleaned the gears of the engine; set a course for the first parts of my journey.

They are ready and waiting...but I am not. I still have some time to enjoy the stationary and to revel in the parts that are mundane without allowing them to quench a higher passion. I will. I must.

I'm so scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young.
So I play the numbers game to find a way to say
that life has just begun.

Had a talk with my old man.
Said, "Help me understand."
He said, "Turn 68...you'll renegotiate.
Don't stop this train, don't for a minute change the place you're in.
Don't every think that I don't understand. I've tried my hand.
Quite honestly, we'll never stop this train."

Once in a while when it's good, it'll feel like it should.
And they're there, and they're all safe and sound.
And you'll never know what you've missed till you cry
as you're driving away in the dark singing

stop this train, I wanna get off and go home again
I can't stop this speed it's moving in
I know I can't
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train.

John Mayer