Greetings from sunny July!!
It happens every year I'm finding...something about the slightly less stringent schedule and the gradual increase of free time over the summer leaves me often with not the slightest idea of where the time has gone. Summer is half way over now, and it has been a blast!!
The weather has only been intolerably hot for about a week this summer...surprisingly the rest of it has been very nice, with good thunderstorms to keep things cool and give Laura and I something to watch and/or run in on the weekends.
WORK TIME:
In addition to my soybeans project, I've been gradually getting back into working at the hospital. This is not nearly even part time work at the moment, but keeps me busy and adds a little extra cash flow. I like keeping my toes in the water a bit at least and oiling out the squeaky joints that I seem to have acquired over the past few months in the area of patient care under stressful circumstances. My love for and fascination with people keeps me going through just about everything there I'm finding...which is nice seeing as I'd like to sink my career in a similar environment.
I've also been shadowing at a local doctor's office, sitting in with both the MD and the PA who work there. It's been a blast to be taught by them, welcomed into their practice and knowledge base, and get to see a bit of a new angle when it comes to my future job. Because of the lack of regulation over PA's in general, there are many many areas which they specialize and/or focus in depending on their interest and the needs of the doctor they assist. Definitely not an easy job but I like the variety that I see in the people I have observed so far...all those bodies certainly keep them on their toes.
The house is finally painted...and despite the constant questions of whether we made the right decisions I think it looks great. Trim still needs to go in, along with a wood floor in the living room, but for now construction is over and we are looking forward to some sense of normalcy in the house for the next few weeks.
PLAY TIME:
We've had some great times hanging out with people lately...helped Jill get moved into her new rental out in South Shores, had awesome Indian food made by Mrs. Cheryl on the fourth of July, had the Higgins over for dinner and games, and had some various birthday parties and movie nights. Never a dull moment. I'm really enjoying the chance to kick back and relax.
I've also had some fun figuring out some of the stuff for my new apartment. I'm gathering things to move over there gradually (all the essentials: coffee maker, hangars, desk, etc) and on the lookout for good deals that I might be able to use. It's a little weird to be finally moving out, and very exciting too...especially with the knowledge that I can pick up and move back home for a night whenever I want to. I have great roomies, but I'm sure there will be a few times this semester when 6 girls in a house is just a bit too much estrogen. :) I'll be painting there a bit right before I move in, but for now I'm just puttering a bit.
TRAVEL TIME:
I've been out to see Matt's show twice in the last month, once with my family up near Chicago and again with his family in Madison, WI. Both were short trips that involved long drives and minimal talking/seeing time, but both were very fun. Nice to see what this crazy thing called drum corps really is and get to meet some of his buddies and see the show. I tried hard to have a critical eye but alas I find that my musical instincts die quickly as you move from vocal sounds to a different instrument. At any rate, I enjoyed getting to see him even for just a few minutes and was pretty jazzed to see how the whole thing worked out. I can confidently say, however, that I do not envy him for his 90 days of living on a bus with 45 guys. Decatur sounds pretty good for me... :)
This weekend I head to Ft. Wayne, IN to visit Faith. She's been wanting me to come up to "her lake" for about a year now, so Marc and I are hitting the road and staying over a couple of nights. It will be great fun to see her again and get to hang out and chat and sunbathe. Not quite the DR, but it's close enough.
When I return, I will have 1 day to work and pack before we depart for Colorado for 11 days. This will take us up to the cabin that we always visit, but also to a small town about 20 miles away, where my other grandparents and my aunt will meet us at a bed and breakfast for a few days. It will be great to see them (it's been more than a year) and catch up in the beautiful mountain air. Looking forward to fishing, taking pictures, reading, journaling, and being away from technology. Mom's parents have been vacationing there for more than 30 years now. There is solace in that place which I can hardly describe...it makes me wonder if someday I'll take my family there. I hope so.
Well, I'm sitting here and there is much to be done, so I'd better scoot...hope all is well in everyon's summers. Hopefully sometime soon I'll be able to sit down and compose a blog that focuses a bit more on thoughts and feelings and struggles and joys and a little less on schedule. But for now, this should keep you updated.
Blessings~
Morgs
Monday, July 16, 2007
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
choral soy and paint skiing
Mid June and I'm still settling into the pace of summer. So far it has been awesome...tons of time to see people...a good paying but low-stress job which I'm enjoying. Self declared hours and a slightly unscheduled but productive pace.
My beans have popped out their 5th trifoliate (almost all of them) and are getting ready to flower. In the next two days my prof and I are going to head to Champaign and visit the U of I to borrow some supplies (nets, beetle traps, and a photosynthesis machine more technical than Millikin's) and talk to the team over there that did some similar research a few years ago. In many ways I feel out of my league in a research field...especially since I don't plan on spending much of my life investing in this area. But there is something pretty cool about science in this area...that thousands of people are heading up different projects all over the world...publishing numerous articles which may or may not ever be read by someone who needs the information. But this data production over time builds up into a wealth of knowledge for the good of science as a whole. So much work over so many years...and still so much more to go, but it's progress. There's got to be a life lesson in there somewhere.
Since I'm not working regulated hours and my professor has been out of town a bit recently, I've also been helping dad out at the office. He is drowning in loose copies of old, new, and still-being-considered music, and has a familiar (to me) way of throwing things into organized piles and suddenly ending up with very unorganized mountains. We are sifting through it all enough so that he can move some furniture and get organized for the year...then eventually I'll be sent to the dungeon of the choral library to sort, organize, and re-find 35 years worth of choral repertoire...which seems to slip out of alignment despite the computer and call system designed to keep it in order.
The family has also been preparing for the evidently traumatic experience of painting the upper level in our house. While my father is quite handy and the family quite excited about the prospect, we are evidently allergic to the thought of changing that many features of our household. I keep trying to explain that the cool thing about paint is that it can be painted over...but no one seems to think that this is a good way to justify the Nike mantra, "just do it."
We have looked at every paint swatch and spectrum in every hardware store in town. We have studied rugs in warehouses, stores, and online galleries. We have debated wood or white trim and been seen moving long strips of baseboard to different parts of the house, setting them up in their proposed spaces and taking in the view. After 3 weeks of considerations and debate we have finally made a grand victory. We bought a rug. One rug. 30 square feet of wool and (scary movie music here) color. My mother tells me that this decision will catapult us into making the rest very quickly and that paint will be on the walls in a matter of days. My money is on a date in mid July...or sometime in November.
Don't let me fool you with all of my talk of progressive projects and hard work...there has been plenty of time for play the last few days as well. We have been out on the boat quite a bit recently...stretching out the old muscles and trying to get them used to the glorious strain of water sports. I learned to drop a ski the other night and actually slalom skied for a few minutes. Much fun and a good new challenge. I also grudgingly jumped in the water with a wake board for a few minutes, determined not to let my humiliation from last summer keep me from ever trying it again. My success was approximately the same as an elephant who tries to climb a palm tree, with phrases like "face plant" and "dead weight" being used frequently. Oh well...you can't say I didn't try.
Good chats with some friends of late, catching up on the past year and talking about the present struggles and future choices, responsibilities, fears, and anticipations. It's amazing to already be talking about grad school...to be having real conversations about where we will live, when we will marry, and where our careers may take us. We all pray to stay true to our God and to follow him fully. We all desire to respect our roots but learn to truly chart our own course. We already see that we will pursue this in drastically different ways. Our lives will not follow the same imprint, neither will our choices and values reflect the same priorities. It is scary to think that in 10 years we may even see choices made by people we grew up next to that somehow seem completely off base. We must continue to pray that God will give us grace to see beauty and value in this diversity, while also giving us the courage to stand up to the challenges and decisions he has placed in front of us individually.
Well, enough blabbing for now...I'm off to get ready for bible study tonight...perhaps I'll eat some choral soy on the way as well. Its pretty good for you I'm told.
Blessings~
Monday, June 11, 2007
Unpredictable
Greetings all.
I came up with a random copy of the first Caedmon’s Call CD a few days ago through my mom, my sister, and a yard sale. Old-school album from the good old days when the man, the legend Derek Webb wrote most of the tunes and Wayne Watson (random old friend of dad’s) was the executive producer. The music is very rough hewn…and the album an odd combination of 90’s radio classics, Webb tunes which I first heard in re-arranged forms, and unknown songs which might well become favorites over the next few days. I’m weird…when I get a new album it often becomes my only musical input for days at a time. It takes me that long to process the lyrics, analyze the music, and give the mood of the collection a rating. So far this one scores pretty high, but I’ll let you know about the final appraisal.
The Millikin internship is going very well…and by “very well” I mean it’s hardly going at all. My advisor took off for the Galapagos islands about a week and a half ago and has yet to return…and since soybeans only grow so fast, I’m finding myself doing a lot of checking, watering, and weeding…and not much else. As the summer progresses I will be much more caught up in working on nets, beetles, damage, and data collection. But for now, the “job” is really more like being CEO of a company whose building is still under construction.
I had hoped to be working at the hospital during these two weeks but the boss is not calling back and so I am accepting the break gratefully. I think God knew that I’d be needing this respite…indeed, the past week has been filled with more sleep than I thought that I’d ever need and even a bit of a head cold. Guess the old body was running a bit more “on empty” than I realized.
I’ve been using the extra time for some unpredictable yet necessary “life maintenance” tasks.
Oil changed (catching up with a “new” set of friends…all the old church buddies)
Washed and waxed (room finally cleaned and text books put on half.com)
Tires rotated (more attention given to family and friends than to schedule)
Brakes and tires checked (looking ahead to summer trips, budgeting, and grad school)
Gettin’ gassed up (planning and beginning new reading materials…some re-reads and a few newbies)
I also found, on a random trip to the Millikin computer lab the other day, that I had about 300 free pages left to print on my account. After wracking my brain for what to use them on I set out on a bit of a project to reformat and print all of my blogs to date. That’s right…Morglopedia is now in hard copy, and residing somewhere in the bookcase in my bedroom. Who knows…it might never be opened. But I realized the other day that too much of my life is stored in these writings to just throw them away or hope that they will always be accessible on the world wide web. Maybe I’ll want to read them when I’m 60. Maybe I’ll give them to the grandkids. Maybe the dog will chew them up. I don’t know, but the point is, now I have them. = )
In addition to the personal projects, the family has been quite busy this past week with company. My girls (Holly and Jill) from Millikin came into town to help mom with the Children’s Choir camp on campus this week. In the mornings, they herded 81 kids around campus, but in the afternoons and often too far into the evenings we enjoyed some great “play time.” We hit putt-putt, had several movie nights, went boating and introduced them to water sports, smoked cigars, watched stars, played games, and had some great conversations in the mix. All the activity promoted the building of friendships with some of the Riverside kids…I was thrilled to watch the two groups meld so easily. I have fabulous friends. The girls are gone now, which means we can walk through my basement again but also means I’m suddenly without two of my “sisters.” Bittersweet for sure.
I’m looking at 4 more days till my professor hits town again and so I’m hoping there will be a good amount of catching up with people again this week. The summer is pretty open really…and I’m interested to see where it will lead me. Already I find my brain pleasantly filled with thoughts and issues to sort through. Memories, strength, spirituality, friendship, personal motives, security, future plans, missions, pride, poverty…the list seems not to end. Let it be.
In the past few weeks I’ve been making scrapbooks for a couple of friends who are in transition periods at the moment…trying to draw together old pictures along with some scripture, quotes, and captions. I came across this quote, which has challenged me perhaps more than the kids I gave it to.
"Security is mostly superstition.
It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it.
Avoiding danger in the long run is no safer that outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or it is nothing."
Helen Keller
It strikes me that security is really a longing which my heart may never realize. And then it strikes me that to be truly secure would be the worst thing in the world. Why would I want a complete guarantee that my life was “in the bag” regardless of my actions? Such a promise would stop me from pursuing, discourage me from learning, and eliminate the presence or need for motivation. What a blank life. What a scary abiss of an existence. Surely the God who made us…who sees us tempted, frustrated, scared, and out of control, understands this to be the only way that we will begin to look for Him. We cannot “find” him…we cannot secure complete understanding of His provision for his followers. But we can feel insecure. We can feel desperate. We can feel afraid. And this is what causes us to jump off a cliff, to follow the impossible, to keep asking questions, to continue to seek something much greater than our own lives. A “daring adventure,” then, is not a blind leap into oblivion for an adrenaline rush and a few bruises…it is a plea for something which puts the randomness of life into some perspective and shows us the way to live with purpose. Not security…not a blanket and a wad of cash…true freedom that comes from knowing we live accountable to a higher calling.
Life is unpredictable…but even for my fear of heights I’d rather have that cliff than a warm bed and a “security deposit.” Bring me that horizon…
I came up with a random copy of the first Caedmon’s Call CD a few days ago through my mom, my sister, and a yard sale. Old-school album from the good old days when the man, the legend Derek Webb wrote most of the tunes and Wayne Watson (random old friend of dad’s) was the executive producer. The music is very rough hewn…and the album an odd combination of 90’s radio classics, Webb tunes which I first heard in re-arranged forms, and unknown songs which might well become favorites over the next few days. I’m weird…when I get a new album it often becomes my only musical input for days at a time. It takes me that long to process the lyrics, analyze the music, and give the mood of the collection a rating. So far this one scores pretty high, but I’ll let you know about the final appraisal.
The Millikin internship is going very well…and by “very well” I mean it’s hardly going at all. My advisor took off for the Galapagos islands about a week and a half ago and has yet to return…and since soybeans only grow so fast, I’m finding myself doing a lot of checking, watering, and weeding…and not much else. As the summer progresses I will be much more caught up in working on nets, beetles, damage, and data collection. But for now, the “job” is really more like being CEO of a company whose building is still under construction.
I had hoped to be working at the hospital during these two weeks but the boss is not calling back and so I am accepting the break gratefully. I think God knew that I’d be needing this respite…indeed, the past week has been filled with more sleep than I thought that I’d ever need and even a bit of a head cold. Guess the old body was running a bit more “on empty” than I realized.
I’ve been using the extra time for some unpredictable yet necessary “life maintenance” tasks.
Oil changed (catching up with a “new” set of friends…all the old church buddies)
Washed and waxed (room finally cleaned and text books put on half.com)
Tires rotated (more attention given to family and friends than to schedule)
Brakes and tires checked (looking ahead to summer trips, budgeting, and grad school)
Gettin’ gassed up (planning and beginning new reading materials…some re-reads and a few newbies)
I also found, on a random trip to the Millikin computer lab the other day, that I had about 300 free pages left to print on my account. After wracking my brain for what to use them on I set out on a bit of a project to reformat and print all of my blogs to date. That’s right…Morglopedia is now in hard copy, and residing somewhere in the bookcase in my bedroom. Who knows…it might never be opened. But I realized the other day that too much of my life is stored in these writings to just throw them away or hope that they will always be accessible on the world wide web. Maybe I’ll want to read them when I’m 60. Maybe I’ll give them to the grandkids. Maybe the dog will chew them up. I don’t know, but the point is, now I have them. = )
In addition to the personal projects, the family has been quite busy this past week with company. My girls (Holly and Jill) from Millikin came into town to help mom with the Children’s Choir camp on campus this week. In the mornings, they herded 81 kids around campus, but in the afternoons and often too far into the evenings we enjoyed some great “play time.” We hit putt-putt, had several movie nights, went boating and introduced them to water sports, smoked cigars, watched stars, played games, and had some great conversations in the mix. All the activity promoted the building of friendships with some of the Riverside kids…I was thrilled to watch the two groups meld so easily. I have fabulous friends. The girls are gone now, which means we can walk through my basement again but also means I’m suddenly without two of my “sisters.” Bittersweet for sure.
I’m looking at 4 more days till my professor hits town again and so I’m hoping there will be a good amount of catching up with people again this week. The summer is pretty open really…and I’m interested to see where it will lead me. Already I find my brain pleasantly filled with thoughts and issues to sort through. Memories, strength, spirituality, friendship, personal motives, security, future plans, missions, pride, poverty…the list seems not to end. Let it be.
In the past few weeks I’ve been making scrapbooks for a couple of friends who are in transition periods at the moment…trying to draw together old pictures along with some scripture, quotes, and captions. I came across this quote, which has challenged me perhaps more than the kids I gave it to.
"Security is mostly superstition.
It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it.
Avoiding danger in the long run is no safer that outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or it is nothing."
Helen Keller
It strikes me that security is really a longing which my heart may never realize. And then it strikes me that to be truly secure would be the worst thing in the world. Why would I want a complete guarantee that my life was “in the bag” regardless of my actions? Such a promise would stop me from pursuing, discourage me from learning, and eliminate the presence or need for motivation. What a blank life. What a scary abiss of an existence. Surely the God who made us…who sees us tempted, frustrated, scared, and out of control, understands this to be the only way that we will begin to look for Him. We cannot “find” him…we cannot secure complete understanding of His provision for his followers. But we can feel insecure. We can feel desperate. We can feel afraid. And this is what causes us to jump off a cliff, to follow the impossible, to keep asking questions, to continue to seek something much greater than our own lives. A “daring adventure,” then, is not a blind leap into oblivion for an adrenaline rush and a few bruises…it is a plea for something which puts the randomness of life into some perspective and shows us the way to live with purpose. Not security…not a blanket and a wad of cash…true freedom that comes from knowing we live accountable to a higher calling.
Life is unpredictable…but even for my fear of heights I’d rather have that cliff than a warm bed and a “security deposit.” Bring me that horizon…
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
People vs potting soil...
I knew it had been a long time since my last post, but when I opened the browser and saw May 6th staring me in the face I was flabbergasted (which by the way might be the most fabulous word in all creation…).
It’s bad enough that I don’t remember more than a week passing since I last wrote…but it’s worse to note on a moment of reconsideration how much has actually happened in my life since then. Am I suddenly so far on auto-pilot that I’m losing touch with my own life’s story?? Heaven forbid. At any rate, it’s all coming back now and I’ll take this chance to use some full sentences in this post (which is something this page has lacked considerably over the past few months).
School ended well, with a great amount of stress but a sense of accomplishment that few other sensations can rival. Even Organic chemistry, which has been the bane of my existence these past 9 months, seemed moderately understandable (but perhaps that’s just because multiple choice tests are falsely comforting at times). As the week passed, I said goodbye to many friends for the summer…an event that is becoming common place and was not at all threatening. That is, until I realized that I was half-way through college. There’s nothing that seems to cue change like finally becoming comfortable with something. It’s as though God understands how hopeless I am at feeling superior and independent when I know what’s coming—it’s then that He consistently changes my view. In another year, I’ll be full steam ahead in the grad school search and wondering what happened to my college life. Lord, may I not take any of it for granted.
Matt came home right in the middle of finals week…an event that made time management not only impossible but essential. All things considered, I think I did pretty well, taking some much-needed breaks but blocking out intense study sessions as well. He did a good job keeping me on task but we also got to watch some movies and meet up with Zach and Tina a bit. Once I finally left the books behind we did a lot more catching up, game playing, talking, and hanging out with friends.
In the midst of this fun, I also began my summer research internship at Millikin by hauling 28 bags of potting soil to the 6th floor of the science building (no small task, even with an elevator) and planting 168 pots of soybeans in the greenhouse. These little beans represent my entire summer. I will water them, care for them, shelter them…then promptly succumb them to a large amount of damage via Japanese Beetles and hole punches. My charges will not die (at least I hope not) from this impediment, but hopefully it will tell me some things about how herbivory effects photosynthetic rates and, consequently, the overall growth of plants.
This job is going to be very different from my work at the hospital. In place of people, I get potting soil, and in place of coaxing, feeding, and cleaning, I will focus on creating life and then destroying it in varying ratios. Its going to be weird not constantly running up and down hallways, calling for nurses and measuring urine outputs and trying to bathe cantankerous women. I will likely see a maximum of 4 people during any given day. But the job will also give me lots of time to think, pray, listen to music, and do some manual labor. I’ll still work at the hospital in fits and starts if I can ever get ahold of my boss…but until then I’ll be content with my seedlings, praying that they grow strong.
Exactly a week after Matt arrived home, I left for Intervarsity training on the upper peninsula of Michigan. He left for drum corps while I was gone, and both of us shook our heads a little at the madness of going back to “long distance” so soon. Lord, guide our paths.
“Chapter Focus Week,” as it is called, is an intense week of training for chapters in a 5 state area. Our particular week housed more than 500 students and staff on two separate campuses for track training, team planning meetings, chapter prayer times, vision casting, evangelistic training, staff workshops, and large group worship and exposition. My main occupation for the week was sitting down with the 5 other members of core leadership at Millikin and working out a new vision for our next year together. This involved much evaluation, prayer, and planning for new ideas, new tactics, and new understanding of the calling we have on Millikin’s campus. It’s so hard…so easy to get caught in ruts and feel overwhelmed and helpless. It’s such a big job…things we have tried so hard on in the past just haven’t worked. Yet in other areas, God is opening up wide doors. We prayed a lot about learning to capitalize on these opportunities, about making new connections, about being agents of justice and compassion on campus. After hours of debate and planning we finally agreed on a cohesive focus and some main events, as well as themes for large groups, prayer meetings, outreach events, small groups, and retreats.
In the midst of the intense planning sessions, we also got a great chance to connect with each other on some very deep levels. It’s amazing to see how connection on the volleyball court or over some inside joke can play into meetings and other tasks. And, in the same way, as things got discussed and worked out in formal settings, our informal time became even more enjoyable. We marveled at the way God brought our diverse and dynamic group together into a unified and encouraging team. We laughed, we cried, we stretched our minds together and then competed on the soccer field. It was not a peaceful, restful week…but it was renewing and invigorating and frustrating and encouraging all at the same time.
I’m now home again, trying to get my life in order and realizing that summer is officially started. I’m so privileged to be home so much this summer, working hard and really having time (I hope) to connect with the people here…friends, old and new, and family. I checked on my soybeans today and found all but one of them growing well. Here’s to summer!!
It’s bad enough that I don’t remember more than a week passing since I last wrote…but it’s worse to note on a moment of reconsideration how much has actually happened in my life since then. Am I suddenly so far on auto-pilot that I’m losing touch with my own life’s story?? Heaven forbid. At any rate, it’s all coming back now and I’ll take this chance to use some full sentences in this post (which is something this page has lacked considerably over the past few months).
School ended well, with a great amount of stress but a sense of accomplishment that few other sensations can rival. Even Organic chemistry, which has been the bane of my existence these past 9 months, seemed moderately understandable (but perhaps that’s just because multiple choice tests are falsely comforting at times). As the week passed, I said goodbye to many friends for the summer…an event that is becoming common place and was not at all threatening. That is, until I realized that I was half-way through college. There’s nothing that seems to cue change like finally becoming comfortable with something. It’s as though God understands how hopeless I am at feeling superior and independent when I know what’s coming—it’s then that He consistently changes my view. In another year, I’ll be full steam ahead in the grad school search and wondering what happened to my college life. Lord, may I not take any of it for granted.
Matt came home right in the middle of finals week…an event that made time management not only impossible but essential. All things considered, I think I did pretty well, taking some much-needed breaks but blocking out intense study sessions as well. He did a good job keeping me on task but we also got to watch some movies and meet up with Zach and Tina a bit. Once I finally left the books behind we did a lot more catching up, game playing, talking, and hanging out with friends.
In the midst of this fun, I also began my summer research internship at Millikin by hauling 28 bags of potting soil to the 6th floor of the science building (no small task, even with an elevator) and planting 168 pots of soybeans in the greenhouse. These little beans represent my entire summer. I will water them, care for them, shelter them…then promptly succumb them to a large amount of damage via Japanese Beetles and hole punches. My charges will not die (at least I hope not) from this impediment, but hopefully it will tell me some things about how herbivory effects photosynthetic rates and, consequently, the overall growth of plants.
This job is going to be very different from my work at the hospital. In place of people, I get potting soil, and in place of coaxing, feeding, and cleaning, I will focus on creating life and then destroying it in varying ratios. Its going to be weird not constantly running up and down hallways, calling for nurses and measuring urine outputs and trying to bathe cantankerous women. I will likely see a maximum of 4 people during any given day. But the job will also give me lots of time to think, pray, listen to music, and do some manual labor. I’ll still work at the hospital in fits and starts if I can ever get ahold of my boss…but until then I’ll be content with my seedlings, praying that they grow strong.
Exactly a week after Matt arrived home, I left for Intervarsity training on the upper peninsula of Michigan. He left for drum corps while I was gone, and both of us shook our heads a little at the madness of going back to “long distance” so soon. Lord, guide our paths.
“Chapter Focus Week,” as it is called, is an intense week of training for chapters in a 5 state area. Our particular week housed more than 500 students and staff on two separate campuses for track training, team planning meetings, chapter prayer times, vision casting, evangelistic training, staff workshops, and large group worship and exposition. My main occupation for the week was sitting down with the 5 other members of core leadership at Millikin and working out a new vision for our next year together. This involved much evaluation, prayer, and planning for new ideas, new tactics, and new understanding of the calling we have on Millikin’s campus. It’s so hard…so easy to get caught in ruts and feel overwhelmed and helpless. It’s such a big job…things we have tried so hard on in the past just haven’t worked. Yet in other areas, God is opening up wide doors. We prayed a lot about learning to capitalize on these opportunities, about making new connections, about being agents of justice and compassion on campus. After hours of debate and planning we finally agreed on a cohesive focus and some main events, as well as themes for large groups, prayer meetings, outreach events, small groups, and retreats.
In the midst of the intense planning sessions, we also got a great chance to connect with each other on some very deep levels. It’s amazing to see how connection on the volleyball court or over some inside joke can play into meetings and other tasks. And, in the same way, as things got discussed and worked out in formal settings, our informal time became even more enjoyable. We marveled at the way God brought our diverse and dynamic group together into a unified and encouraging team. We laughed, we cried, we stretched our minds together and then competed on the soccer field. It was not a peaceful, restful week…but it was renewing and invigorating and frustrating and encouraging all at the same time.
I’m now home again, trying to get my life in order and realizing that summer is officially started. I’m so privileged to be home so much this summer, working hard and really having time (I hope) to connect with the people here…friends, old and new, and family. I checked on my soybeans today and found all but one of them growing well. Here’s to summer!!
Sunday, May 06, 2007
See ya on the flip side...
Last full week of sophmore year is staring me in the face. Finals are sitting in yet unstudied piles. Knowledge is beginning to ooze out my ears...
Monday: Last test before finals...last day of core classes
Tuesday: last chem lab EVER (:-D), singing in recital
Wednesday: Dead day (meetings, pancake breakfast at 10pm, star wars marathon, and...oh yeah...studying)
Thursday: Jurries and, yep, more studying...also mom's B-day
Friday: Spiders Final and lab writing
Saturday: Molec and Cell, Philosophy final
Tuesday: Organic final
It's almost over!!
Monday: Last test before finals...last day of core classes
Tuesday: last chem lab EVER (:-D), singing in recital
Wednesday: Dead day (meetings, pancake breakfast at 10pm, star wars marathon, and...oh yeah...studying)
Thursday: Jurries and, yep, more studying...also mom's B-day
Friday: Spiders Final and lab writing
Saturday: Molec and Cell, Philosophy final
Tuesday: Organic final
It's almost over!!
Monday, April 30, 2007
fragments (and a few accompanying thoughts)
--Super stressed out (but only 2 more organic tests in my life...)
--spider collection done!!! (no more keying, labeling, or hunting)
--not sick (just imagining that there is pain in my sinuses and my throat is on fire)
--only 1 week of classes left (mild amounts of trepidation outweighed by sheer excitement)
--communication skills on several fronts lacking (hoping I don't hurt too many people)
--sleep in small quantities (come on summer break!!)
--loving spring like never before (amazing how it seems "new" every year)
--many papers to write (almost done with semester labs!)
--beautiful day (i want to go fishing and play frisbee)
--time seems to fly (only two more years of college??)
--God is good (I am a constant failure but He is always drawing me back again)
--Ice cream and coffee are amazing (how else is one to survive?)
--Praise God tomorrow's May (what else can you say?)
peace to all~
--spider collection done!!! (no more keying, labeling, or hunting)
--not sick (just imagining that there is pain in my sinuses and my throat is on fire)
--only 1 week of classes left (mild amounts of trepidation outweighed by sheer excitement)
--communication skills on several fronts lacking (hoping I don't hurt too many people)
--sleep in small quantities (come on summer break!!)
--loving spring like never before (amazing how it seems "new" every year)
--many papers to write (almost done with semester labs!)
--beautiful day (i want to go fishing and play frisbee)
--time seems to fly (only two more years of college??)
--God is good (I am a constant failure but He is always drawing me back again)
--Ice cream and coffee are amazing (how else is one to survive?)
--Praise God tomorrow's May (what else can you say?)
peace to all~
Thursday, April 26, 2007
We Remember....
April 26th, 2006
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Outline of Me
MORGAN'S LIFE THIS WEEK
Outline, draft 1
Outline, draft 1
1) Super crazy week, tribute to the fact that its almost May
a. Lab finals and practicals
b. Organic test
-"the widowmaker" (as quoted on syllabus)
- class average? 40%
c. Presentations and papers due...some are the last ones till finals week!
2) Looking ahead
a. Lots of concerts and recitals to attend
b. Spider collection nearly complete
- needing taxonomy/ collection labels
- only 2 more specimens to go!!
c. People already talking about coming home
d. Summer research about to get underway
-soybeans to be planted soon
e. Planning for end of the year events
- choir recording sessions and picnic
- Sunday school picnic and church potlucks
- jazz and choir auditions
f. Invitations on my table = summertime is almost here
- about 10 grad open house invites
- 4 or 5 wedding invites
g. Brainstorming about summer bible study and what to study on
3) Trying to rest
a. attempting to prove that, contrary to popular opinion, I am NOT nocturnal
-lots of coffee involved
-creating a "i never sleep before 2 am" club
b. making an extra effort to be involved in family stuff, despite schedule
- Casey's prom next weekend
- TJ's speech contests
c. taking time to walk in the spring air, even if just a few minutes
- Frisbee sessions on the quad
- spider hunting in the back yard
d. working on learning how to nap
Conclusion: I am blessed beyond measure to live this life and attempt to use it to God's glory. No matter what I must always strive to keep this as my focus. He is the author of my life and the finisher of my faith.
Let everything that has breath praise the LORD!!
Saturday, April 21, 2007
How to be cool...A HANDBOOK
Today during senior honors seminar day, Faith and I were talking to a friend of ours from choir, who decided to sit with us because he thought it would increase his cool factor. Faith and I laughed at him...and taking pity on us, self-declared dorks that we are, Zack wrote out the following...which I thought was too priceless not to publish.
1) Wear your sunglasses inside and/or after 6:00 pm
2) Be purposely late for EVERYTHING!
3) Leather chaps...YES
4) Shorten your name by at least three letters
5) Constantly take pictures of yourself (and put them up on billboards if at all possible)
6) Make a facebook group about yourself....you need to know who is cool enough to like you.
7) Laugh at your own jokes. Other people may just not realize how funny you are.
8) Remember, even though you're not at the party, they are still the ones who are missing out!
9) Don't play by the Rulez...
Zach Devin everyone...kind of a big deal! =)
Hope this helps you as much as it has me...people are already coming up and asking for my autograph with stunning frequency. Course, I was a big deal to start with.
HOW TO BE COOL
...a handbook....
1) Wear your sunglasses inside and/or after 6:00 pm
2) Be purposely late for EVERYTHING!
3) Leather chaps...YES
4) Shorten your name by at least three letters
5) Constantly take pictures of yourself (and put them up on billboards if at all possible)
6) Make a facebook group about yourself....you need to know who is cool enough to like you.
7) Laugh at your own jokes. Other people may just not realize how funny you are.
8) Remember, even though you're not at the party, they are still the ones who are missing out!
9) Don't play by the Rulez...
Zach Devin everyone...kind of a big deal! =)
Hope this helps you as much as it has me...people are already coming up and asking for my autograph with stunning frequency. Course, I was a big deal to start with.
Monday, April 16, 2007
Patches of heavy fog...
busy day + lots of stress = confusion and general fog
productive afternoon
lots of tests coming up
Intervarsity stress, due mostly to my lack of organization
lots of responsibility...honoring but chaotic
talk about housing next year...budgets, credit cards, painting, subleasers...huh??
end of the year "haze" setting in...
adrenaline rushes that come and go...cutting through the above mentioned haze occasionally
IV meetings
voice jurries approaching
final concert done...now for recording
papers to write
tutoring needed in Organic
family in need of a little more of my presence and less of my "morning grumpy pants"
battling the ebb and flow of school...hurting people, busy schedules, and no time outdoors
looking ahead to grad school
preparing for summer internship
trying to balance friends, meetings, homework, church, boyfriend, and an "others" centered focus
trying to figure out what's worth stressing over and what's worth letting go
This morning 32 people were violently murdered by some guy in VA. The pain of their families. The hurt inside the guy who did it. The endless tunnel of violence that seems to be eating away at society. My fog is just a small part of a much greater one. Lord, may I never be so foggy that I can't help those around me....that I can't make an impact or be a witness to a higher purpose and calling.
Waiting for sunny skies...which I know are actually just behind all this condensation.
productive afternoon
lots of tests coming up
Intervarsity stress, due mostly to my lack of organization
lots of responsibility...honoring but chaotic
talk about housing next year...budgets, credit cards, painting, subleasers...huh??
end of the year "haze" setting in...
adrenaline rushes that come and go...cutting through the above mentioned haze occasionally
IV meetings
voice jurries approaching
final concert done...now for recording
papers to write
tutoring needed in Organic
family in need of a little more of my presence and less of my "morning grumpy pants"
battling the ebb and flow of school...hurting people, busy schedules, and no time outdoors
looking ahead to grad school
preparing for summer internship
trying to balance friends, meetings, homework, church, boyfriend, and an "others" centered focus
trying to figure out what's worth stressing over and what's worth letting go
This morning 32 people were violently murdered by some guy in VA. The pain of their families. The hurt inside the guy who did it. The endless tunnel of violence that seems to be eating away at society. My fog is just a small part of a much greater one. Lord, may I never be so foggy that I can't help those around me....that I can't make an impact or be a witness to a higher purpose and calling.
Waiting for sunny skies...which I know are actually just behind all this condensation.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Risen
I forgot how much I love Easter...how many parts of the celebration bring joy and peace and pain all at the same time. Renewal through death. Life via suffering. Joy in the face of trial. What a wonderful, amazing event...and how amazing that it is more than an event...it is a way of life.
Sorry for the intensity of the last post...God continued to teach me a lot this weekend and I am so thankful for His faithfulness.
The weekend held a host of happenings. Lots of catching up with old friends as I was finally home and on break for an extended period at the same time as everyone else. Shopping and hanging out with Laura and Heather, good phone convo with Jackie (who wasn't able to make it home), catch up of the last several months with Andrew, dinner with Matt, movie and bowling and Brian Regan with Zach and Tina, talk about "real life" with Annie and Aaron, walk in the park over hot tea and open hearts with Laura. So many people who touch my life in such strong ways despite the ever-widening distance between us. Thank you Lord.
Got to enjoy a lot of cool music this weekend...some that I was a part of and some that I simply watched. Dad worked hard to bring together a veritable explosion of musical genius, complemented by Casey's ability to play every instrument known to man. =) Good Friday service of contemplation...Sunday service of ultimate joy. Good stuff.
Sunday afternoon we headed to Costerisan's to join the church gang for more food than should ever be allowed in one house. About 25 people including friends that feel like family, a couple of Millikin kids who stayed on campus for the weekend, and some older ladies from our church. Such an amazing group. We ate, talked, played games, and just enjoyed each other.
Heather persuaded her parents that they stopped having easter egg hunts a little too early...so the dads reverted back a few years, drug about 150 plastic eggs outside, and began hiding them. As the 15 kids (ranging in age from junior high to late college) headed into the cold outdoors, it all came flashing back. I had visions of my childhood years, of the ever frustrating wait to finally be released from the threshold of the deck onto the lawn; of bounding across the yard, searching out a slip of color coming through the light green surroundings. Me in a frilly dress and patent leather shoes and a really obnoxious hat. Me desperate to find more eggs than the other little girl peering around the woodpile at the other end of the yard. There is an immediate decision that one must make. Do I move quickly in order to cover the most ground or do I search thoroughly so as to find every last egg in a given area?? Greed battles perseverance and the fight usually leaves me running in circles. No different on this day, despite the 12 years that have passed since then. The energy was just as high, the challenge comfortingly similar, and the joy of frolicking around egg-laden swing sets just as fun.
The kids took a walk around Mt. Zion when we got tired of eating chocolate...ended up standing in the medians and posing every time a car drove by. Dorks, every one of us...and loving every minute of it! We did have one encounter with an expletive-hurling guy, who took the time to back up just so he could be sure to curse every one of us. I guess some people get enjoyment from odd behaviors. ...And perhaps I'm speaking to the choir? No amount of F-bombs could dampen our spirit though...we had a fun time despite the PG-13 rating.
We stayed at the house till after midnight...watching an old version of "The Choice", an easter musical that Riverside used to put on. Interesting to view, and to filter through a distant but vivid memory of viewing it myself. At that time, I knew hardly anyone on the stage, but now, looking back on it all I could see who I was watching...see how many of them have had such a huge part to play in my life not just logistically and scheduling wise, but spiritually and emotionally too. It was fun to watch them all as youngsters and see how they have changed and how they are similar. Fun to watch Dennis as Jesus and Randy as a Roman guard. Fun to watch Aaron get his ear cut off and Heather get raised from the dead. Wonderful to see the amazing performance and hear the message so clearly, even via VHS.
Flashback over. Here I am again...back at school and reflecting on all that has happened in the past 4 days. Thank you Lord for the rest, the renewal, and the fabulous good times...thank you that they represent the death and resurrection of your son, the linchpin of my salvation. I am unworthy of all of the above.
Hope that you all had a blessed Easter...keep your eyes open for left-over eggs...
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Confession
convicted.
cut to the core.
shaking my head at my stupidity.
feeling the wickedness of my own heart.
It has been a week of gradual revelation after, I confess, a rather dry spiritual spell in my life. Recent lessons and scripture and teaching have been bouncing off my soul like so many air soft pellets off an armored tank. My life has been pretty much peachy keen and my heart unreceptive to the gentle but persistent knocks of my savior.
I have been praying for God to rip this shell away from me...asking that I would once again feel the weight of conviction and even guilt...asking that something like fear would finally persuade me to listen and seek and obey. ...But in the same breath I was praying for blessings...for a smooth ride, for an easy life, for a reason to be grateful. As if I needed one.
Last Thursday night IV exec studied Mark 6:6-12 and 30-39. Jesus sends out his disciples, commanding them to go into the towns and giving them great authority to cast out demons and to heal the sick. He give specific instructions, however, of what they are not to take. Extra clothing. Money. Food. All forbidden. Despite the fact that as humans they will need these "comforts" very quickly, he forbids them to take even the essentials. 20 verses later, the disciples are tired, and though Jesus tries to get them somewhere to rest, the crowds keep following. And Jesus has compassion on the masses. But his followers are selfish. "Send the people away so they can get something to eat," secretly screams, "I'm hungry...make these guys go away so I can eat my fish in peace." Yet Jesus says, "You feed them." I know you're tired and hungry. I know you feel like you have been deprived ever since I sent you out. But it's time to have compassion. Give a little more. Give until you are beyond the end of your rope. Give because you see that they are lost and in need of Me. Give because I am here to give through you.
The feeding of the 5,000 is miraculous not just because the food is multiplied. It is miraculous because even though Jesus pushes his disciples to the limit, in the end he provides their most base and human need: food. He does not scoff at them and pour out many spiritual lessons for them to wrestle through. He gives them rest...just as soon as they are willing to obey. While he asks them to learn to live without comfort his great miracle involves providing comfort in abundance...in excess.
Next stop: easter week events for Intervarsity. Palm Sunday worship, reminding us all of the triumphant feeling that the disciples must have felt as they entered the city with the hero of the day. "This is all worth it! I'm so glad that we worked so hard and obeyed our master! NOW we can see why He did what he did." Blind. And looking for profit and gain in a purely worldly way. Sure that when good things happen that's proof of God's faithfulness to our plight. Why does this sound strangely familiar?
Amazing how God uses physical fatigue to get my attention. Equally amazing though not surprising how the Devil uses it too. As sleep got scarce in the past 4 days or so my mind began to wander...searching for something to get me through the day. The words came to mind soon enough.
"Come unto me, all ye that labor, and I will give thee rest..."
unfortunately I forgot to remember the whole verse. I began to take comfort in the idea of coming to Jesus for the sake of rest alone. Rest translated: peace, no trouble, lack of responsibility and pain alike. WRONG again.
These thoughts, these expectations made me realize how much I have cheapened God's place in my life. I have come to demand blessings, to crave peace, to rebel against struggle. I have turned Him into a mental vending machine, which I worship in the hopes that my 50 cents will by some "miracle" warrant two packs of M&M's and not just one. I praise in expectation of joy. I serve with intentions of reward. I give expecting to feel better. No wonder I feel dead. I'm worshiping an idol: my own life, and the betterment of it.
The Lord requires something so much more..."take my YOKE...LEARN from me...I am MEEK and LOWLY in heart." Why does it take me so long to understand what that means?? Obedience. Humility. A soft heart that is ready to listen, not to talk. A back that is willing to carry a load. A heart that is peaceful not because it isn't struggling but because it is certain of the purpose of the pain.
Tonight: Stations of the Cross. A service that the IV kids did referencing the highlights of Christ's walk to Golgatha...a solemn service to be sure. One phrase in one of the prayers stuck out. "Lord, we see that Jesus was beaten beyond recognition and endured ultimate suffering. Let us learn to see His perfect image in the faces of those who suffer around us." Could it be that Christ's redemption is seen best in suffering? That power is made perfect in weakness? Something tells me I've heard this before.
The pain in my heart is nearly tangible as I survey the past few weeks...considering all that I have said and done to lessen pain and to embrace the safe and sound, the prosperous, the exciting, and even the good. All that I have ignored around me...pain, injustice, and, yes, truth. The cross is an instrument of punishment pain and suffering. But it is also an avenue to the greatest closeness and co-identity we can experience with God. Why do I continue to reject it??
My mind is a blur of quotes and scriptures and hymns:
"In the cross, in the cross, be my glory ever..."
"Father, forgive them...they don't know what they are doing"
"He was bruised for our iniquities, he was pierced for our transgressions"
"Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus..."
"What wondrous love is this, that caused the Lord of bliss to bear the dreadful curse for my soul??"
"Why should I gain from His reward?"
"If any man will be my disciple, he must take up his cross daily and follow me."
"IT IS ACCOMPLISHED!! Father, into thy hands I commend my spirit."
I know all of this...I've heard it a thousand times. But I confess before God and anyone reading this that I have not been obedient. I have, "refused the cup and the baptism"...I have run from the cross with a sense of repulsion...understanding only things which give glory and victory and peace. I've become a Eustace (CS Lewis, Voyage of the Dawn Treader), who in pursuit of happiness and greed has become his own worst enemy, with no way to escape save the painful removal of his scales and tough skin. Rip them off, Aslan!! Sink your claws in deep and tear them away. Forgive me for my greed and selfishness and pride. Reduce me to my core, for only there can your spirit mold me into something that resembles you.
Tomorrow night, my team of Intervarsity kids will perform a drama presentation for the campus detailing the lives of the people surrounding Jesus' death. It contrasts the rough soldiers with quiet mother Mary and stoic John and emotional Mary Magdaline. It begs the question, "how will YOU respond to the cross?" Tonight in practice I was almost in tears as I heard Mary Magdaline cry at the foot of the cross, "Kneel down with me! Wail and Mourn...Throw dust upon your heads, for the light of the world has gone out!!"
For the rest of this week, I will, I MUST grasp the depth of the suffering and the horrendous load which Christ carried for me. For only then will my redemption cause the appropriate response...not the guilt and the kick in the pants that I was waiting and praying for earlier this week, but overwhelming Love and Joy. Irresistable grace, the Calvanists call it. Inescapable conviction which leads to lifelong and willful participation in the suffering. May it always be so.
cut to the core.
shaking my head at my stupidity.
feeling the wickedness of my own heart.
It has been a week of gradual revelation after, I confess, a rather dry spiritual spell in my life. Recent lessons and scripture and teaching have been bouncing off my soul like so many air soft pellets off an armored tank. My life has been pretty much peachy keen and my heart unreceptive to the gentle but persistent knocks of my savior.
I have been praying for God to rip this shell away from me...asking that I would once again feel the weight of conviction and even guilt...asking that something like fear would finally persuade me to listen and seek and obey. ...But in the same breath I was praying for blessings...for a smooth ride, for an easy life, for a reason to be grateful. As if I needed one.
Last Thursday night IV exec studied Mark 6:6-12 and 30-39. Jesus sends out his disciples, commanding them to go into the towns and giving them great authority to cast out demons and to heal the sick. He give specific instructions, however, of what they are not to take. Extra clothing. Money. Food. All forbidden. Despite the fact that as humans they will need these "comforts" very quickly, he forbids them to take even the essentials. 20 verses later, the disciples are tired, and though Jesus tries to get them somewhere to rest, the crowds keep following. And Jesus has compassion on the masses. But his followers are selfish. "Send the people away so they can get something to eat," secretly screams, "I'm hungry...make these guys go away so I can eat my fish in peace." Yet Jesus says, "You feed them." I know you're tired and hungry. I know you feel like you have been deprived ever since I sent you out. But it's time to have compassion. Give a little more. Give until you are beyond the end of your rope. Give because you see that they are lost and in need of Me. Give because I am here to give through you.
The feeding of the 5,000 is miraculous not just because the food is multiplied. It is miraculous because even though Jesus pushes his disciples to the limit, in the end he provides their most base and human need: food. He does not scoff at them and pour out many spiritual lessons for them to wrestle through. He gives them rest...just as soon as they are willing to obey. While he asks them to learn to live without comfort his great miracle involves providing comfort in abundance...in excess.
Next stop: easter week events for Intervarsity. Palm Sunday worship, reminding us all of the triumphant feeling that the disciples must have felt as they entered the city with the hero of the day. "This is all worth it! I'm so glad that we worked so hard and obeyed our master! NOW we can see why He did what he did." Blind. And looking for profit and gain in a purely worldly way. Sure that when good things happen that's proof of God's faithfulness to our plight. Why does this sound strangely familiar?
Amazing how God uses physical fatigue to get my attention. Equally amazing though not surprising how the Devil uses it too. As sleep got scarce in the past 4 days or so my mind began to wander...searching for something to get me through the day. The words came to mind soon enough.
"Come unto me, all ye that labor, and I will give thee rest..."
unfortunately I forgot to remember the whole verse. I began to take comfort in the idea of coming to Jesus for the sake of rest alone. Rest translated: peace, no trouble, lack of responsibility and pain alike. WRONG again.
These thoughts, these expectations made me realize how much I have cheapened God's place in my life. I have come to demand blessings, to crave peace, to rebel against struggle. I have turned Him into a mental vending machine, which I worship in the hopes that my 50 cents will by some "miracle" warrant two packs of M&M's and not just one. I praise in expectation of joy. I serve with intentions of reward. I give expecting to feel better. No wonder I feel dead. I'm worshiping an idol: my own life, and the betterment of it.
The Lord requires something so much more..."take my YOKE...LEARN from me...I am MEEK and LOWLY in heart." Why does it take me so long to understand what that means?? Obedience. Humility. A soft heart that is ready to listen, not to talk. A back that is willing to carry a load. A heart that is peaceful not because it isn't struggling but because it is certain of the purpose of the pain.
Tonight: Stations of the Cross. A service that the IV kids did referencing the highlights of Christ's walk to Golgatha...a solemn service to be sure. One phrase in one of the prayers stuck out. "Lord, we see that Jesus was beaten beyond recognition and endured ultimate suffering. Let us learn to see His perfect image in the faces of those who suffer around us." Could it be that Christ's redemption is seen best in suffering? That power is made perfect in weakness? Something tells me I've heard this before.
The pain in my heart is nearly tangible as I survey the past few weeks...considering all that I have said and done to lessen pain and to embrace the safe and sound, the prosperous, the exciting, and even the good. All that I have ignored around me...pain, injustice, and, yes, truth. The cross is an instrument of punishment pain and suffering. But it is also an avenue to the greatest closeness and co-identity we can experience with God. Why do I continue to reject it??
My mind is a blur of quotes and scriptures and hymns:
"In the cross, in the cross, be my glory ever..."
"Father, forgive them...they don't know what they are doing"
"He was bruised for our iniquities, he was pierced for our transgressions"
"Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus..."
"What wondrous love is this, that caused the Lord of bliss to bear the dreadful curse for my soul??"
"Why should I gain from His reward?"
"If any man will be my disciple, he must take up his cross daily and follow me."
"IT IS ACCOMPLISHED!! Father, into thy hands I commend my spirit."
I know all of this...I've heard it a thousand times. But I confess before God and anyone reading this that I have not been obedient. I have, "refused the cup and the baptism"...I have run from the cross with a sense of repulsion...understanding only things which give glory and victory and peace. I've become a Eustace (CS Lewis, Voyage of the Dawn Treader), who in pursuit of happiness and greed has become his own worst enemy, with no way to escape save the painful removal of his scales and tough skin. Rip them off, Aslan!! Sink your claws in deep and tear them away. Forgive me for my greed and selfishness and pride. Reduce me to my core, for only there can your spirit mold me into something that resembles you.
Tomorrow night, my team of Intervarsity kids will perform a drama presentation for the campus detailing the lives of the people surrounding Jesus' death. It contrasts the rough soldiers with quiet mother Mary and stoic John and emotional Mary Magdaline. It begs the question, "how will YOU respond to the cross?" Tonight in practice I was almost in tears as I heard Mary Magdaline cry at the foot of the cross, "Kneel down with me! Wail and Mourn...Throw dust upon your heads, for the light of the world has gone out!!"
For the rest of this week, I will, I MUST grasp the depth of the suffering and the horrendous load which Christ carried for me. For only then will my redemption cause the appropriate response...not the guilt and the kick in the pants that I was waiting and praying for earlier this week, but overwhelming Love and Joy. Irresistable grace, the Calvanists call it. Inescapable conviction which leads to lifelong and willful participation in the suffering. May it always be so.
"See, my servant will act wisely; he will be raised and lifted up and highly exalted. Just as there were many who were appalled at him—his appearance was so disfigured beyond that of any man and his form marred beyond human likeness--so will he sprinkle many nations, and kings will shut their mouths because of him. For what they were not told, they will see, and what they have not heard, they will understand."
Isaiah 52: 13-15Monday, April 02, 2007
human still...sort of
a couple of days ago I saw this logo on a shirt on some guy in the library...I was about ready to bang my head through a computer screen so it was a very good thing he walked by when he did. I got to laughing and couldn't remember why I was mad at the computer. I wish it wasn't so true for me these days...I'm running on fumes and a fair amount of adrenaline...and coffee...and some days it nearly succeeds in making me human again. I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever shake this feeling of constant stress and strain...come on Easter break!!
pray if you think of it...or send me the biggest coffee mug the world owns...it's Monday again!
Sunday, March 25, 2007
The Far Country
Home again…finally. The past month has been practically non-existent for all of the traveling and performing that I’ve done with various groups. I’ve seen some great places, spent time on the beach, gone through huge airports, tasted new foods, heard new music, and visited relatives and old friends. But there is nothing like home to soothe the soul like balm. We arrived at 4:15 am this morning after 20 ish hours in transit from the Dominican Republic. No one was awake of course when I got home, but just the smell of the house and the feeling of my own bedsheets was more comforting than I could ever have guessed. That and the reassurance that I don’t have to use a bus, plane, or train in the foreseeable future. Hooray for solid ground!
There is tons to share about my most recent trip, but I’ll stick to the highlights as I have an insane amount of catch up to do before school starts again tomorrow. If you’re looking for full sentences you’ve come to the wrong place.
Thursday, March 16th
~4 days after coming home from Miami I began packing my suitcase again. Tons of clothes for tropical weather and concerts alike…my days of “light packing” are clearly gone.
~Spent a few hours with Matt, who dropped me off at Millikin in time to go to Faith’s recital and then load the vans.
~We drove to Chicago in 3 vans and made it in by about 11:30
~Checked into a cheap hotel for a few winks
Friday, March 17th
~Awoke at 3:30 for a shower and re-loaded the equipment (24 pieces including a drum set and amps) in a shuttle.
~Flight from Chicago to Miami.
~Storm in Miami, detour to Ft. Lauderdale, Arrived in Miami 2 hours late
~Sprinting through airport to catch flight
~Flight to DR…we made it but our luggage did not…6 hours in a foreign airport desperately trying to remember high school Spanish. We DID however discover “BON”…a chain of ice cream that got us through the rest of the trip.
~Finally recovered luggage, loaded all into a bus for a 2 hour ride to La Romana.
Saturday, March 17th
~Checked into hotel to sleep a bit
~Visit to local bakery (which we ended up frequenting every day)
~Drive back into the city…we were featured on a Saturday afternoon live TV show…quite intimidating and lots of fun. We’re famous already?? J
~Free night and fun meal at a Shishkabob place before hitting the outdoor bars for cigars.
Sunday, March 18th
~Singers taught a singing clinic at a local arts council downtown. Thanks to the translator we might have gotten a few words through…we had fun singing for them then…music knows no language barrier.
~Into the city square to watch a huge annual parade celebrating “Carnival” (similar to Mardi Gras but 3 weeks long, more violent, and more chaotic)…culture shock firmly established.
Monday, March 19th
~Sang for a catholic school assembly…great show in a semi-outdoor gym…we felt a lot like rock stars and signed a lot of autographs.
~Sang at a bar/restaurant (in that order…) in the city square for a very appreciative audience.
Tuesday, March 20th
~Beach day!! Snorkeling, volleyball, Frisbee, photography, tanning, and relaxing.
~Viewed a show at an outdoor amphitheater at a resort village called “Altos de Chavon”…great food, cheesy entertainment, and lots of very rich people.
Wednesday, March 21st
~Show at another school…very fun again
~Drive into Santo Domingo, the capital city…checked into new hotel on the colonial square…very beautiful
~Show at a ritzy bar for some people who actually spoke some broken English. Nice to hear.
Thursday, March 22nd
~Performance at a huge school which is entirely bilingual. 1200 students, most of whom know 3 languages and have a great grasp on Computer technology, the arts, and both Dominican and US history. I felt dumb.
~Show at International Cultural college for a large audience on a beautiful stage. ~Randomly ran into the mother of a girl who stayed with us in the States on an exchange 7 years ago. Crazy small world!!
Friday, March 23rd
~Free morning…I took the chance to get to see my Cousin who lives down there. I had never met her husband and her little boy, who are both as sweet as can be. I enjoyed seeing her house and catching up on her life. She also got to see a concert.
~Shopping in the Mercado in the city…Faith and Marc and I got really good at bartering and brought home some great stuff!!
~Show at an outdoor cultural stage in a huge plaza…great dinner at a refurbished old stone tavern which was far too nice for a bunch of college students.
~The show was stalled in the middle of the group that went before us when the power went out…no problem…the sound guys spliced the wires in some nearby street lights to get enough power for the stage lights and the sound system. Only in the DR…
~We finally sang, and had a fun show…on the cutoff of our last song there was a torrential downpour and so we all frantically grabbed equipment and drums and microphones and threw it under the stage…then played in the rain for a good half hour. Everything was soaked and we spent a great portion of the evening drying things off with towel and hair dryers. Bonding experience for sure!!
Saturday, March 24th
~The group had arranged a pop song that just came out in the DR for One Voice to sing, and the crowds loved it. So, we ended up taping a performance of it on the same TV show before we headed for the airport. Tough to realize that we were headed back to a place where no one would know/care who we were… J
~Headed to the airport for a long day of transit
~Only lost two pieces of luggage on the way home…not bad
Dang…that was the short version?? I’ve got to work on that…
All that to say, we had a fabulous time…the group was really great, and despite the unavoidable drama and occasional squabbling, we enjoyed each other immensely. Our group is young and not too confident about our “gel” as a group for the most part. The trip showed us just how compatible we were on and off stage and that really helped to cement our shows. It wasn’t the most relaxing of spring breaks, but it was definitely a blast.
Yesterday on the plane I was listening to Andrew Peterson’s “Far Country” album. It is a thought provoking and beautiful collection of songs that talk about heaven. Heaven’s a thing we don’t think about in specific terms very often. It is so far away, so distant from reality, and so unimaginable. Peterson’s lyrics speak of the craving and the emptiness that should be apparent in our lives because we are not “home” yet. C.S. Lewis puts it another way, “If there is a unquenchable craving that nothing in this world can satisfy, I must conclude that I was created for another world.”
I loved the trip, I loved the new culture and the energy of travel and exploring new foods and art and music. I loved finding new pieces of myself in the tapestry of another “world.” But there is nothing there that would satisfy as fully as this home in little Decatur does.
Home again…and loving it. Loving the familiar, the safe, the warm, and the joyous feeling that survives in my home by the grace of our savior. And yet, I was struck that even this is a far country, which despite it’s blessings has downfalls and shortcomings and limited joy. Somewhere out there is a perfect place, which provides the ultimate balm and peace, for it will fit around my heart like a lock fits around a key. It is what I was created for. And while this weary traveler will continue to appreciate what she sees and experiences and explores, she must never forget that little longing in the back of her mind. It is the key to the perseverance of all else.
“And I long to go there, I can feel it too
And the sun that’s shining is a shadow of the truth
This is a far country, not my home…”
There is tons to share about my most recent trip, but I’ll stick to the highlights as I have an insane amount of catch up to do before school starts again tomorrow. If you’re looking for full sentences you’ve come to the wrong place.
Thursday, March 16th
~4 days after coming home from Miami I began packing my suitcase again. Tons of clothes for tropical weather and concerts alike…my days of “light packing” are clearly gone.
~Spent a few hours with Matt, who dropped me off at Millikin in time to go to Faith’s recital and then load the vans.
~We drove to Chicago in 3 vans and made it in by about 11:30
~Checked into a cheap hotel for a few winks
Friday, March 17th
~Awoke at 3:30 for a shower and re-loaded the equipment (24 pieces including a drum set and amps) in a shuttle.
~Flight from Chicago to Miami.
~Storm in Miami, detour to Ft. Lauderdale, Arrived in Miami 2 hours late
~Sprinting through airport to catch flight
~Flight to DR…we made it but our luggage did not…6 hours in a foreign airport desperately trying to remember high school Spanish. We DID however discover “BON”…a chain of ice cream that got us through the rest of the trip.
~Finally recovered luggage, loaded all into a bus for a 2 hour ride to La Romana.
Saturday, March 17th
~Checked into hotel to sleep a bit
~Visit to local bakery (which we ended up frequenting every day)
~Drive back into the city…we were featured on a Saturday afternoon live TV show…quite intimidating and lots of fun. We’re famous already?? J
~Free night and fun meal at a Shishkabob place before hitting the outdoor bars for cigars.
Sunday, March 18th
~Singers taught a singing clinic at a local arts council downtown. Thanks to the translator we might have gotten a few words through…we had fun singing for them then…music knows no language barrier.
~Into the city square to watch a huge annual parade celebrating “Carnival” (similar to Mardi Gras but 3 weeks long, more violent, and more chaotic)…culture shock firmly established.
Monday, March 19th
~Sang for a catholic school assembly…great show in a semi-outdoor gym…we felt a lot like rock stars and signed a lot of autographs.
~Sang at a bar/restaurant (in that order…) in the city square for a very appreciative audience.
Tuesday, March 20th
~Beach day!! Snorkeling, volleyball, Frisbee, photography, tanning, and relaxing.
~Viewed a show at an outdoor amphitheater at a resort village called “Altos de Chavon”…great food, cheesy entertainment, and lots of very rich people.
Wednesday, March 21st
~Show at another school…very fun again
~Drive into Santo Domingo, the capital city…checked into new hotel on the colonial square…very beautiful
~Show at a ritzy bar for some people who actually spoke some broken English. Nice to hear.
Thursday, March 22nd
~Performance at a huge school which is entirely bilingual. 1200 students, most of whom know 3 languages and have a great grasp on Computer technology, the arts, and both Dominican and US history. I felt dumb.
~Show at International Cultural college for a large audience on a beautiful stage. ~Randomly ran into the mother of a girl who stayed with us in the States on an exchange 7 years ago. Crazy small world!!
Friday, March 23rd
~Free morning…I took the chance to get to see my Cousin who lives down there. I had never met her husband and her little boy, who are both as sweet as can be. I enjoyed seeing her house and catching up on her life. She also got to see a concert.
~Shopping in the Mercado in the city…Faith and Marc and I got really good at bartering and brought home some great stuff!!
~Show at an outdoor cultural stage in a huge plaza…great dinner at a refurbished old stone tavern which was far too nice for a bunch of college students.
~The show was stalled in the middle of the group that went before us when the power went out…no problem…the sound guys spliced the wires in some nearby street lights to get enough power for the stage lights and the sound system. Only in the DR…
~We finally sang, and had a fun show…on the cutoff of our last song there was a torrential downpour and so we all frantically grabbed equipment and drums and microphones and threw it under the stage…then played in the rain for a good half hour. Everything was soaked and we spent a great portion of the evening drying things off with towel and hair dryers. Bonding experience for sure!!
Saturday, March 24th
~The group had arranged a pop song that just came out in the DR for One Voice to sing, and the crowds loved it. So, we ended up taping a performance of it on the same TV show before we headed for the airport. Tough to realize that we were headed back to a place where no one would know/care who we were… J
~Headed to the airport for a long day of transit
~Only lost two pieces of luggage on the way home…not bad
Dang…that was the short version?? I’ve got to work on that…
All that to say, we had a fabulous time…the group was really great, and despite the unavoidable drama and occasional squabbling, we enjoyed each other immensely. Our group is young and not too confident about our “gel” as a group for the most part. The trip showed us just how compatible we were on and off stage and that really helped to cement our shows. It wasn’t the most relaxing of spring breaks, but it was definitely a blast.
Yesterday on the plane I was listening to Andrew Peterson’s “Far Country” album. It is a thought provoking and beautiful collection of songs that talk about heaven. Heaven’s a thing we don’t think about in specific terms very often. It is so far away, so distant from reality, and so unimaginable. Peterson’s lyrics speak of the craving and the emptiness that should be apparent in our lives because we are not “home” yet. C.S. Lewis puts it another way, “If there is a unquenchable craving that nothing in this world can satisfy, I must conclude that I was created for another world.”
I loved the trip, I loved the new culture and the energy of travel and exploring new foods and art and music. I loved finding new pieces of myself in the tapestry of another “world.” But there is nothing there that would satisfy as fully as this home in little Decatur does.
Home again…and loving it. Loving the familiar, the safe, the warm, and the joyous feeling that survives in my home by the grace of our savior. And yet, I was struck that even this is a far country, which despite it’s blessings has downfalls and shortcomings and limited joy. Somewhere out there is a perfect place, which provides the ultimate balm and peace, for it will fit around my heart like a lock fits around a key. It is what I was created for. And while this weary traveler will continue to appreciate what she sees and experiences and explores, she must never forget that little longing in the back of her mind. It is the key to the perseverance of all else.
“And I long to go there, I can feel it too
And the sun that’s shining is a shadow of the truth
This is a far country, not my home…”
Thursday, March 15, 2007
The Layover
It's a Wednesday night (technically Thursday morning) and I'm sittin down to blog. Seems to weird to go to bed right now as it's still before two and I haven't done that in longer than I can remember. Tonight a cold front is moving in, clearing away the glorious weather that we have had the last few days, but bringing in the much needed rain. Yay for spring and completely unpredictable weather.
We are back from Miami and officially done with ACDA stress...It went fantastically well; thank you so much to all of you who were praying for and thinking about us. We received so much praise and appreciation...3 standing ovations and glowing reports from some of the "big dogs" of choral music. Dad was certainly honored well, as he should have been...I've never been so proud of him. We got back into Decatur from St. Louis Saturday night and got up early Sunday to go to Chicago for a One Voice gig. After that drive I was pretty much ready to say that I never want to see another moving vehicle.
So, for my week on solid ground, I took midterms, finished papers, and tried to figure out how to best prepare for the upcoming weeks. Seems like I haven't had the chance to breathe in so long! Spent a ton of time studying for my organic test today (which may or may not have gone so well...) and also got to hang out with Matt, who's on spring break and willing to flex with my insane schedule. :)
After 4 days of "layover" here in Decatur, we will hit the road tomorrow evening for Chicago yet again, fly back to Miami (is someone measuring efficiency here??), and then on to the Dominican Republic for One Voice tour. I'm a bit hesitant about the trip right now, but I think most of that is cause I'm tired and wanting to stay home. I'm sure it's going to be an absolute blast though, and it won't take me long at all to re-discover my love for traveling.
All that to say, I'll be out of touch for a little over a week here...leave me voice mail and comments and Facebook messages and I'll get them when I get back! Love to you all in your various galavantings...May He give you the grace to continue to travel down whatever road He has placed you on. I'm glad our paths cross every once in a while!
Blessings~
We are back from Miami and officially done with ACDA stress...It went fantastically well; thank you so much to all of you who were praying for and thinking about us. We received so much praise and appreciation...3 standing ovations and glowing reports from some of the "big dogs" of choral music. Dad was certainly honored well, as he should have been...I've never been so proud of him. We got back into Decatur from St. Louis Saturday night and got up early Sunday to go to Chicago for a One Voice gig. After that drive I was pretty much ready to say that I never want to see another moving vehicle.
So, for my week on solid ground, I took midterms, finished papers, and tried to figure out how to best prepare for the upcoming weeks. Seems like I haven't had the chance to breathe in so long! Spent a ton of time studying for my organic test today (which may or may not have gone so well...) and also got to hang out with Matt, who's on spring break and willing to flex with my insane schedule. :)
After 4 days of "layover" here in Decatur, we will hit the road tomorrow evening for Chicago yet again, fly back to Miami (is someone measuring efficiency here??), and then on to the Dominican Republic for One Voice tour. I'm a bit hesitant about the trip right now, but I think most of that is cause I'm tired and wanting to stay home. I'm sure it's going to be an absolute blast though, and it won't take me long at all to re-discover my love for traveling.
All that to say, I'll be out of touch for a little over a week here...leave me voice mail and comments and Facebook messages and I'll get them when I get back! Love to you all in your various galavantings...May He give you the grace to continue to travel down whatever road He has placed you on. I'm glad our paths cross every once in a while!
Blessings~
Friday, March 02, 2007
The Toilet Tribune and the power of prayer
Our campus has a fantastic new little publication that is providing vital information to all us college kids. It's called the "Toilet Tribune" and is placed on the insides of all the stall doors for our reading pleasure. Its a fun way to waste time and catch up on the goings on while you...well...you know. :)
Today the "you know you're a college student if..." section caught my eye, here are some of my favorites:
...if you find yourself wearing the same pair of jeans for the 13th day in a row without washing them
...if your room is so cold that the toilet water freezes over
...if your trash can is overflowing and your bank account isn't
...if you need a shovel to find the floor in your room
...if your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles
...if you get more sleep in class than you do in your room
...if your spare time is spent playing Guitar Hero and watching the Office
...if the average amount of cold, hard cash you carry in your pocket is $0.73
It's Friday. After a fluke day of 50 degree weather and tornado warnings yesterday we are back in freezing temps. I've got the upper respiratory crud and can't remember the last time that I put on makeup before classes. I'm pretty physically worn down...haven't had a weekend without a musical production or a wedding since Christmas break and I have also been working pretty hard on Intervarsity leadership these past few months...this weekend we do have one concert, but I'm praying that I'll have the chance to get some rest too. I'm in desperate need of some "margin" in my life and a good 14 hours of sleep or so.
I also have quite a bit of school work (lab reports, studying, and READING in STACKS) to do this weekend in preparation for next week's ACDA convention. We will leave at noon on Tuesday and drive almost straight through to Florida. I can think of a few things that are a little more fun than 24 hours on a bus with 50 people, but then again it will promote a certain air of "togetherness"...which we will need during our performances. We will sing for up to 4000 people by the time we leave on Saturday, most of whom are choir directors from all over the world. Awesome. Even more awesome to see my Dad's life dream come true...pray for his stress level over the next few days.
One Voice will dodge the bus ride home(Hooray!) by catching a flight in because we have another concert next Sunday afternoon. Then it's home for a few days of midterms (right after having missed 3 days of school...that one should be fun) and then off to the Dominican Republic for spring break/One Voice tour!! I'm so blessed by the opportunity to travel so much and hang out with all my nerdy music friends (and by nerdy, I mean cooler than the science geeks...aka cooler than me).
I should mention that God is really doing some miraculous stuff at Millikin this year. And He's using my friends and I to do it through. There is nothing more invigorating. nothing more rewarding than seeing Christians come together and dare to put faith in a God we can't see and a cause we can't scientifically explain. The team is taking risks, evangelizing, pursuing people of many different backgrounds, serving the needy, trying to get involved in a city ministry, and seeking visibility on campus. We long to be a part of a harvest in a place that often looks like an abandoned field.
Last night we had a concert of prayer...35 people in a room alternatively praying aloud en-mass and sitting silently for 10 minutes at a time and singing the great hymns of the faith. We confessed, we praised, we sought God's calling, we put on submission. We're college kids; broke, tired, stressed, stupid, and messy. But I don't think we've ever been more confident of the calling that we share. We wondered anew at the power of the blood of Christ not just to forgive, but to redeem and to give purpose to each of us sinners. And we stood ashamed at our constant desire to "work to make things happen" rather than submitting to the will of a Father who has already perfectly designed our lives.
"Prayer is cooperating with God to bring about His plan, not trying to bend Him to our will. As we abandon our own desires in submission to the One who knows our circumstances far better than we ever could, and who “knows what you need before you ask” (Matthew 6:8), our prayers reach their highest level. Prayers offered in submission to the Divine will, therefore, are always answered positively, whether offered by one person or a thousand. Here is true power in prayer."
March already...and suddenly 2 more years of college seems too short. That's only 20 more issues of the toilet tribune and 24 more months of "practice" before hitting the real world. Guess we'd better not waste any time.
Today the "you know you're a college student if..." section caught my eye, here are some of my favorites:
...if you find yourself wearing the same pair of jeans for the 13th day in a row without washing them
...if your room is so cold that the toilet water freezes over
...if your trash can is overflowing and your bank account isn't
...if you need a shovel to find the floor in your room
...if your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles
...if you get more sleep in class than you do in your room
...if your spare time is spent playing Guitar Hero and watching the Office
...if the average amount of cold, hard cash you carry in your pocket is $0.73
It's Friday. After a fluke day of 50 degree weather and tornado warnings yesterday we are back in freezing temps. I've got the upper respiratory crud and can't remember the last time that I put on makeup before classes. I'm pretty physically worn down...haven't had a weekend without a musical production or a wedding since Christmas break and I have also been working pretty hard on Intervarsity leadership these past few months...this weekend we do have one concert, but I'm praying that I'll have the chance to get some rest too. I'm in desperate need of some "margin" in my life and a good 14 hours of sleep or so.
I also have quite a bit of school work (lab reports, studying, and READING in STACKS) to do this weekend in preparation for next week's ACDA convention. We will leave at noon on Tuesday and drive almost straight through to Florida. I can think of a few things that are a little more fun than 24 hours on a bus with 50 people, but then again it will promote a certain air of "togetherness"...which we will need during our performances. We will sing for up to 4000 people by the time we leave on Saturday, most of whom are choir directors from all over the world. Awesome. Even more awesome to see my Dad's life dream come true...pray for his stress level over the next few days.
One Voice will dodge the bus ride home(Hooray!) by catching a flight in because we have another concert next Sunday afternoon. Then it's home for a few days of midterms (right after having missed 3 days of school...that one should be fun) and then off to the Dominican Republic for spring break/One Voice tour!! I'm so blessed by the opportunity to travel so much and hang out with all my nerdy music friends (and by nerdy, I mean cooler than the science geeks...aka cooler than me).
I should mention that God is really doing some miraculous stuff at Millikin this year. And He's using my friends and I to do it through. There is nothing more invigorating. nothing more rewarding than seeing Christians come together and dare to put faith in a God we can't see and a cause we can't scientifically explain. The team is taking risks, evangelizing, pursuing people of many different backgrounds, serving the needy, trying to get involved in a city ministry, and seeking visibility on campus. We long to be a part of a harvest in a place that often looks like an abandoned field.
Last night we had a concert of prayer...35 people in a room alternatively praying aloud en-mass and sitting silently for 10 minutes at a time and singing the great hymns of the faith. We confessed, we praised, we sought God's calling, we put on submission. We're college kids; broke, tired, stressed, stupid, and messy. But I don't think we've ever been more confident of the calling that we share. We wondered anew at the power of the blood of Christ not just to forgive, but to redeem and to give purpose to each of us sinners. And we stood ashamed at our constant desire to "work to make things happen" rather than submitting to the will of a Father who has already perfectly designed our lives.
"Prayer is cooperating with God to bring about His plan, not trying to bend Him to our will. As we abandon our own desires in submission to the One who knows our circumstances far better than we ever could, and who “knows what you need before you ask” (Matthew 6:8), our prayers reach their highest level. Prayers offered in submission to the Divine will, therefore, are always answered positively, whether offered by one person or a thousand. Here is true power in prayer."
March already...and suddenly 2 more years of college seems too short. That's only 20 more issues of the toilet tribune and 24 more months of "practice" before hitting the real world. Guess we'd better not waste any time.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
windows
Thursday evening and a ten minute window with nothing to do. That never happens. Going out with the girls for dinner tonight before an IV meeting and so at the moment I'm stuck on campus with the choice of practicing my already strained voice or wasting time on the computer till they are ready to leave. my choice? duh...
The wedding is happening...really and truly. This isn't just a fairy tale any more or a dream of what will happen "some day"...it is a fully realized event...complete with plane flights in motion as we speak and flowers being delivered and a rehearsal tomorrow afternoon.
I'm a little stressed out. I'm not stressed out by the details and the frenetic parents and friends like I thought I would be. Things are rolling pretty smoothly and despite a few normal glitches everything has gone well so far. I'm stressed that on Saturday I will witness a life change of unexplainable magnitude. I'm creeped out that I wrote a maid of honor speech for the reception last night. I'm completely in disbelief that I bought a wedding card this afternoon (it's a freakin' card...why is it such a big deal??). Somehow, it's the little things...all those moments that catch me off guard and make me realize, perhaps for the first time what is really happening. The little moments that collect and then suddenly bowl me over all at once.
I'm excited too....today I bought all the stuff for the girl's party tomorrow night...it's gonna be crazy fun. I talked to Tina today about her new mailing address and the recipients "Mr and Mrs. Zachary Vernon"...and realized just now that in 24 hours I'll be standing on a platform listening to them practice their vows. I can't wait to see her dress and hair and veil all together...to see his face when she first comes around the corner, and to watch as this massive event takes place in the presence of all their guests.
It's hard to believe, looking back, all the stuff that we have all journeyed through to reach this point. And even more unbelievable is the magnificent view that has suddenly come into view as we reach out and touch the window in front of us. We have viewed it from a distance for a long time and have seen the trees distantly through it...but tomorrow the glass will become hard against our fingers and the trees will become a thin screen, and beyond them we will see the high bluff which rushes down into the valley below and the road that stretches for miles in miniature size. And we will see the next window...the next step, somewhere in the distance...as seemingly un-attainable as the one we are now standing next to.
Its funny how all the steps that will get us there will be small and seemingly insignificant. Lord help me appreciate every one.
The wedding is happening...really and truly. This isn't just a fairy tale any more or a dream of what will happen "some day"...it is a fully realized event...complete with plane flights in motion as we speak and flowers being delivered and a rehearsal tomorrow afternoon.
I'm a little stressed out. I'm not stressed out by the details and the frenetic parents and friends like I thought I would be. Things are rolling pretty smoothly and despite a few normal glitches everything has gone well so far. I'm stressed that on Saturday I will witness a life change of unexplainable magnitude. I'm creeped out that I wrote a maid of honor speech for the reception last night. I'm completely in disbelief that I bought a wedding card this afternoon (it's a freakin' card...why is it such a big deal??). Somehow, it's the little things...all those moments that catch me off guard and make me realize, perhaps for the first time what is really happening. The little moments that collect and then suddenly bowl me over all at once.
I'm excited too....today I bought all the stuff for the girl's party tomorrow night...it's gonna be crazy fun. I talked to Tina today about her new mailing address and the recipients "Mr and Mrs. Zachary Vernon"...and realized just now that in 24 hours I'll be standing on a platform listening to them practice their vows. I can't wait to see her dress and hair and veil all together...to see his face when she first comes around the corner, and to watch as this massive event takes place in the presence of all their guests.
It's hard to believe, looking back, all the stuff that we have all journeyed through to reach this point. And even more unbelievable is the magnificent view that has suddenly come into view as we reach out and touch the window in front of us. We have viewed it from a distance for a long time and have seen the trees distantly through it...but tomorrow the glass will become hard against our fingers and the trees will become a thin screen, and beyond them we will see the high bluff which rushes down into the valley below and the road that stretches for miles in miniature size. And we will see the next window...the next step, somewhere in the distance...as seemingly un-attainable as the one we are now standing next to.
Its funny how all the steps that will get us there will be small and seemingly insignificant. Lord help me appreciate every one.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
School of Coffee
Wednesday, 8:30 pm
Starbucks
Cinnamon Dolce Latte
Death Cab for Cutie playing in the ear buds
Muscles buzzing from recent work-out
Pondering the meaning of life
It was a day of random intelligence and smoke producing brain exercises. I learned that Salticidae spiders have enlarged anterior median eyes. I also learned that I don’t know how to sing with any amount of vibrato. I also learned that resonance can drastically effect the acidity of organic compounds. Then I headed for philosophy class. It doesn’t matter how much I try to prepare myself for this experience, it is always more of a challenge than I am ready for. I do the reading…I think of possible discussions that will ensue. I create crushing replies to said arguments. I then end up sitting in class with my eyebrows ruffled, reading and re-reading the scribbles on the board and trying to piece together the differences between human rationality, psychology, and morality.
The arguments are as dizzying as they are fascinating. The human brain is complex enough at a biological level. But when you begin to try to understand the interplay between intention, desire, and reason, the web of the mind looks denser than I ever anticipated. In actuality, the idea of trying to pinpoint what makes man “tick” is impossible. And yet, there is a part of each of us that could find such scientific simplicity very attractive. At the same time, we do not trust ourselves to be this predictable. After all…we are man…the only creatures in the world who have not just intelligence but an understanding of consequence, future/past, and even eternal significance. Everyone believes something about the meaning of life, even if there is none…and the process of deciding what we believe is the very foundation of human existence.
If not for an eternal future, why would anyone be moral?? If not for consequences, would any of us ever do what is right? What is the basis for “right” action? Desire? Emotion? Altruism? Cooperation? Self-promotion? Each of these and more are adopted by philosophers of every stripe and color. And no one is any closer to an answer.
I sit in my seat each day, “the Christian”…trying to formulate answers, smart remarks, out of the box and intelligently stimulating ideas. Today I gave up. After all…what use is it to ask more questions…there are enough on the table already. Today I took the liberty of seriously asking myself if I would follow God and His laws were it not for either a fear of hell or a need for His unfailing love. The ideas of faith and belief aside, I cannot think of one other reason to follow Him. It is not rational (unless you consider the fact that my desire to believe promotes my actions, which makes it individually rational), it is selfish (I believe it will promote my own interest), and ultimately it is my fence, my safety net, my way of coping with life. Under the premise of secular philosophy, my actions are very justified; I have plenty of reasons to pursue God. But to me these reasons seem black and insufficient.
Did God intend for me to love and follow Him because I fear punishment?? Did He know that I would use Him as an excuse to cope? Did He understand that were it not for my hope in His faithfulness and His love I would never pay any attention to His existence, let alone His rules?
I feel black. Stripped to my spiritual core by a secular study. And yet, it isn’t secular. It asks the deepest and most complex questions we can ask about the most difficult things in life to understand: our reasons for living.
I am unworthy to be loved when my motivations are so selfish. I feel bad that I am comforted so easily and handed a perfect answer to all of the questions of life. I am confused when I see that the answer is really nothing but a set of questions on a larger, supernatural scale. Yet absent from any way to explain my reasoning, and conscious of the fact that my motivations are completely self-seeking, I do believe. I do place my trust in a truth that I can not feel, touch, or even analyze. And while I know that before this semester is over I will be ridiculed for my lack of “understanding the human plight” I hope that I’ll have the courage to say that I understand it very well…and so does my Father. The only thing more ridiculous than me loving a God that I cannot explain is God loving me, when he sees the blackest, deepest, and most selfish intentions of my heart and life.
And perhaps that is, finally, the thing which philosophy fails to take into account. …something that changes everything and yet is so intangible that it can hardly be considered. Love. That’s what I have that no amount of reason and question can touch. It’s the thing that I feel which requires my attention. It’s the thing that I desire above all else in this world. And it’s the thing which my Lord and Savior gives away without question.
We have come to know and believe in the love that God has for us. God is love, and the person who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. This is how love has been perfected among us: we will have confidence on the day of judgment because, while we are in this world, we are just like him. There is no fear where love exists. Rather, perfect love banishes fear, for fear involves punishment, and the person who lives in fear has not been perfected in love.
Starbucks
Cinnamon Dolce Latte
Death Cab for Cutie playing in the ear buds
Muscles buzzing from recent work-out
Pondering the meaning of life
It was a day of random intelligence and smoke producing brain exercises. I learned that Salticidae spiders have enlarged anterior median eyes. I also learned that I don’t know how to sing with any amount of vibrato. I also learned that resonance can drastically effect the acidity of organic compounds. Then I headed for philosophy class. It doesn’t matter how much I try to prepare myself for this experience, it is always more of a challenge than I am ready for. I do the reading…I think of possible discussions that will ensue. I create crushing replies to said arguments. I then end up sitting in class with my eyebrows ruffled, reading and re-reading the scribbles on the board and trying to piece together the differences between human rationality, psychology, and morality.
The arguments are as dizzying as they are fascinating. The human brain is complex enough at a biological level. But when you begin to try to understand the interplay between intention, desire, and reason, the web of the mind looks denser than I ever anticipated. In actuality, the idea of trying to pinpoint what makes man “tick” is impossible. And yet, there is a part of each of us that could find such scientific simplicity very attractive. At the same time, we do not trust ourselves to be this predictable. After all…we are man…the only creatures in the world who have not just intelligence but an understanding of consequence, future/past, and even eternal significance. Everyone believes something about the meaning of life, even if there is none…and the process of deciding what we believe is the very foundation of human existence.
If not for an eternal future, why would anyone be moral?? If not for consequences, would any of us ever do what is right? What is the basis for “right” action? Desire? Emotion? Altruism? Cooperation? Self-promotion? Each of these and more are adopted by philosophers of every stripe and color. And no one is any closer to an answer.
I sit in my seat each day, “the Christian”…trying to formulate answers, smart remarks, out of the box and intelligently stimulating ideas. Today I gave up. After all…what use is it to ask more questions…there are enough on the table already. Today I took the liberty of seriously asking myself if I would follow God and His laws were it not for either a fear of hell or a need for His unfailing love. The ideas of faith and belief aside, I cannot think of one other reason to follow Him. It is not rational (unless you consider the fact that my desire to believe promotes my actions, which makes it individually rational), it is selfish (I believe it will promote my own interest), and ultimately it is my fence, my safety net, my way of coping with life. Under the premise of secular philosophy, my actions are very justified; I have plenty of reasons to pursue God. But to me these reasons seem black and insufficient.
Did God intend for me to love and follow Him because I fear punishment?? Did He know that I would use Him as an excuse to cope? Did He understand that were it not for my hope in His faithfulness and His love I would never pay any attention to His existence, let alone His rules?
I feel black. Stripped to my spiritual core by a secular study. And yet, it isn’t secular. It asks the deepest and most complex questions we can ask about the most difficult things in life to understand: our reasons for living.
I am unworthy to be loved when my motivations are so selfish. I feel bad that I am comforted so easily and handed a perfect answer to all of the questions of life. I am confused when I see that the answer is really nothing but a set of questions on a larger, supernatural scale. Yet absent from any way to explain my reasoning, and conscious of the fact that my motivations are completely self-seeking, I do believe. I do place my trust in a truth that I can not feel, touch, or even analyze. And while I know that before this semester is over I will be ridiculed for my lack of “understanding the human plight” I hope that I’ll have the courage to say that I understand it very well…and so does my Father. The only thing more ridiculous than me loving a God that I cannot explain is God loving me, when he sees the blackest, deepest, and most selfish intentions of my heart and life.
And perhaps that is, finally, the thing which philosophy fails to take into account. …something that changes everything and yet is so intangible that it can hardly be considered. Love. That’s what I have that no amount of reason and question can touch. It’s the thing that I feel which requires my attention. It’s the thing that I desire above all else in this world. And it’s the thing which my Lord and Savior gives away without question.
We have come to know and believe in the love that God has for us. God is love, and the person who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. This is how love has been perfected among us: we will have confidence on the day of judgment because, while we are in this world, we are just like him. There is no fear where love exists. Rather, perfect love banishes fear, for fear involves punishment, and the person who lives in fear has not been perfected in love.
We love because he first loved us.
1 John 4:16-19
Starbucks, nearly closing time
Empty coffee cup and an undisturbed book bag still sitting beside me
Norah Jones playing over the loudspeakers
Mind buzzing with the warmth of unreasonable understanding
Pondering the meaning of Love
Monday, February 05, 2007
Why?
It’s one of those days that begs the question…
Why is the wind-chill in the negative teens when most of December felt like spring?
Why did I agree to book my weekend so completely tight that I could hardly see the friends who came home to visit (two of whom will be married by the next time we have a movie night together)?
Why is Organic Chemistry important...no scratch that…why is Organic even PERMITTED to exist?
Why isn’t dark chocolate considered a vegetable?
Why is my brother in Junior high and my sister discussing college plans?
Why is my room in a perpetual state of chaos where piles are more common than carpet spots??
Why was there a “harvest moon” on February 2nd??
Why are girls so darn emotional?
Why are chocolates and teddy bears considered the valentine’s day gifts of choice?? Why not pecans and stuffed penguins??
Why does it seem like I don’t have time to “do college” for everything else that’s going on in my life??
Why do egg rolls always taste better with hot mustard on them?
Why isn’t Ultimate Frisbee an Olympic sport?
Why doesn’t
Why am I so good at giving advice and so bad at taking it?
Why is everyone getting married?
Why are changes so difficult for me to process, and would I really cope with boredom any better?
Why are the simplest things in life sometimes the most difficult to describe??Sorry...my ramble is a bit like a 3 year old's today. I find that sometimes by just getting all my questions out I can forget about the need to answer them all...lets hope...
Monday, January 29, 2007
The Anatomy of Me
...Just checking in with a diagnosis of my sanity levels...doesn't look to good does it? The truth of the matter is that for many of us, the ability to emote is the preserver of sanity, and not an indication of it's absence. So, I'm here to to explain how mood swings and goofy faces can tell you (or me) more about me. Best of luck in discovering a worthwhile application for this information. Upper left hand corner is often used for those moments when academic load is just too much. Sure, it would be much more satisfying if I did it to a person and not a book, but you have to settle for what you can get...
Top right...I wish I could say this is an unusual face, but my family can attest to the fact that I have it on just about every morning.
Middle right is a pretty good representation of my "attempting to stay awake during molecular biology" face. I've got a nasty cut on my lip from when I bit just a little to hard... :)
Just to the left of that is the classic "I forgot to study for my lab quiz AGAIN!" face.
Look left once more for the "I hate Org. chem with a passion from deep within my soul" expression.
Second from the right on the bottom pretty much personifies my inability to understand drama in life...whether from weddings and old friends or from intervarsity planning and choir rumors. Its the face you make when you just don't get it.
Of course, I'm glad that the bottom right one is last, because its the face that I make a lot these days. "Keep on Keepin' on" screams of a desire to smile no matter what, not just because it may make someone else's day, but because it really does improve your sense of sanity. ...well, that may be taking it to far...but you know what I mean.
So, now that we got that cleared up, have a great day...and don't forget to EXPRESS YOURSELF! =)
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