windows

Thursday evening and a ten minute window with nothing to do. That never happens. Going out with the girls for dinner tonight before an IV meeting and so at the moment I'm stuck on campus with the choice of practicing my already strained voice or wasting time on the computer till they are ready to leave. my choice? duh...

The wedding is happening...really and truly. This isn't just a fairy tale any more or a dream of what will happen "some day"...it is a fully realized event...complete with plane flights in motion as we speak and flowers being delivered and a rehearsal tomorrow afternoon.

I'm a little stressed out. I'm not stressed out by the details and the frenetic parents and friends like I thought I would be. Things are rolling pretty smoothly and despite a few normal glitches everything has gone well so far. I'm stressed that on Saturday I will witness a life change of unexplainable magnitude. I'm creeped out that I wrote a maid of honor speech for the reception last night. I'm completely in disbelief that I bought a wedding card this afternoon (it's a freakin' card...why is it such a big deal??). Somehow, it's the little things...all those moments that catch me off guard and make me realize, perhaps for the first time what is really happening. The little moments that collect and then suddenly bowl me over all at once.

I'm excited too....today I bought all the stuff for the girl's party tomorrow night...it's gonna be crazy fun. I talked to Tina today about her new mailing address and the recipients "Mr and Mrs. Zachary Vernon"...and realized just now that in 24 hours I'll be standing on a platform listening to them practice their vows. I can't wait to see her dress and hair and veil all together...to see his face when she first comes around the corner, and to watch as this massive event takes place in the presence of all their guests.

It's hard to believe, looking back, all the stuff that we have all journeyed through to reach this point. And even more unbelievable is the magnificent view that has suddenly come into view as we reach out and touch the window in front of us. We have viewed it from a distance for a long time and have seen the trees distantly through it...but tomorrow the glass will become hard against our fingers and the trees will become a thin screen, and beyond them we will see the high bluff which rushes down into the valley below and the road that stretches for miles in miniature size. And we will see the next window...the next step, somewhere in the distance...as seemingly un-attainable as the one we are now standing next to.

Its funny how all the steps that will get us there will be small and seemingly insignificant. Lord help me appreciate every one.

School of Coffee

Wednesday, 8:30 pm

Starbucks
Cinnamon Dolce Latte
Death Cab for Cutie playing in the ear buds
Muscles buzzing from recent work-out
Pondering the meaning of life

It was a day of random intelligence and smoke producing brain exercises. I learned that Salticidae spiders have enlarged anterior median eyes. I also learned that I don’t know how to sing with any amount of vibrato. I also learned that resonance can drastically effect the acidity of organic compounds. Then I headed for philosophy class. It doesn’t matter how much I try to prepare myself for this experience, it is always more of a challenge than I am ready for. I do the reading…I think of possible discussions that will ensue. I create crushing replies to said arguments. I then end up sitting in class with my eyebrows ruffled, reading and re-reading the scribbles on the board and trying to piece together the differences between human rationality, psychology, and morality.

The arguments are as dizzying as they are fascinating. The human brain is complex enough at a biological level. But when you begin to try to understand the interplay between intention, desire, and reason, the web of the mind looks denser than I ever anticipated. In actuality, the idea of trying to pinpoint what makes man “tick” is impossible. And yet, there is a part of each of us that could find such scientific simplicity very attractive. At the same time, we do not trust ourselves to be this predictable. After all…we are man…the only creatures in the world who have not just intelligence but an understanding of consequence, future/past, and even eternal significance. Everyone believes something about the meaning of life, even if there is none…and the process of deciding what we believe is the very foundation of human existence.

If not for an eternal future, why would anyone be moral?? If not for consequences, would any of us ever do what is right? What is the basis for “right” action? Desire? Emotion? Altruism? Cooperation? Self-promotion? Each of these and more are adopted by philosophers of every stripe and color. And no one is any closer to an answer.

I sit in my seat each day, “the Christian”…trying to formulate answers, smart remarks, out of the box and intelligently stimulating ideas. Today I gave up. After all…what use is it to ask more questions…there are enough on the table already. Today I took the liberty of seriously asking myself if I would follow God and His laws were it not for either a fear of hell or a need for His unfailing love. The ideas of faith and belief aside, I cannot think of one other reason to follow Him. It is not rational (unless you consider the fact that my desire to believe promotes my actions, which makes it individually rational), it is selfish (I believe it will promote my own interest), and ultimately it is my fence, my safety net, my way of coping with life. Under the premise of secular philosophy, my actions are very justified; I have plenty of reasons to pursue God. But to me these reasons seem black and insufficient.
Did God intend for me to love and follow Him because I fear punishment?? Did He know that I would use Him as an excuse to cope? Did He understand that were it not for my hope in His faithfulness and His love I would never pay any attention to His existence, let alone His rules?

I feel black. Stripped to my spiritual core by a secular study. And yet, it isn’t secular. It asks the deepest and most complex questions we can ask about the most difficult things in life to understand: our reasons for living.

I am unworthy to be loved when my motivations are so selfish. I feel bad that I am comforted so easily and handed a perfect answer to all of the questions of life. I am confused when I see that the answer is really nothing but a set of questions on a larger, supernatural scale. Yet absent from any way to explain my reasoning, and conscious of the fact that my motivations are completely self-seeking, I do believe. I do place my trust in a truth that I can not feel, touch, or even analyze. And while I know that before this semester is over I will be ridiculed for my lack of “understanding the human plight” I hope that I’ll have the courage to say that I understand it very well…and so does my Father. The only thing more ridiculous than me loving a God that I cannot explain is God loving me, when he sees the blackest, deepest, and most selfish intentions of my heart and life.

And perhaps that is, finally, the thing which philosophy fails to take into account. …something that changes everything and yet is so intangible that it can hardly be considered. Love. That’s what I have that no amount of reason and question can touch. It’s the thing that I feel which requires my attention. It’s the thing that I desire above all else in this world. And it’s the thing which my Lord and Savior gives away without question.

We have come to know and believe in the love that God has for us. God is love, and the person who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. This is how love has been perfected among us: we will have confidence on the day of judgment because, while we are in this world, we are just like him. There is no fear where love exists. Rather, perfect love banishes fear, for fear involves punishment, and the person who lives in fear has not been perfected in love.

We love because he first loved us.
1 John 4:16-19


Starbucks, nearly closing time
Empty coffee cup and an undisturbed book bag still sitting beside me
Norah Jones playing over the loudspeakers
Mind buzzing with the warmth of unreasonable understanding
Pondering the meaning of Love

Why?

It’s one of those days that begs the question…

Why is the wind-chill in the negative teens when most of December felt like spring?

Why did the Chicago Bears play so crappy in the Super Bowl?

Why did I agree to book my weekend so completely tight that I could hardly see the friends who came home to visit (two of whom will be married by the next time we have a movie night together)?

Why is Organic Chemistry important...no scratch that…why is Organic even PERMITTED to exist?

Why isn’t dark chocolate considered a vegetable?

Why is my brother in Junior high and my sister discussing college plans?

Why is my room in a perpetual state of chaos where piles are more common than carpet spots??

Why was there a “harvest moon” on February 2^nd??

Why are girls so darn emotional?

Why are chocolates and teddy bears considered the valentine’s day gifts of choice?? Why not pecans and stuffed penguins??

Why does it seem like I don’t have time to “do college” for everything else that’s going on in my life??

Why do egg rolls always taste better with hot mustard on them?

Why isn’t Ultimate Frisbee an Olympic sport?

Why doesn’t Illinois have any mountains?

Why am I so good at giving advice and so bad at taking it?

Why is everyone getting married?

Why are changes so difficult for me to process, and would I really cope with boredom any better?

Why are the simplest things in life sometimes the most difficult to describe??

Sorry...my ramble is a bit like a 3 year old's today. I find that sometimes by just getting all my questions out I can forget about the need to answer them all...lets hope...

The Anatomy of Me

...Just checking in with a diagnosis of my sanity levels...doesn't look to good does it? The truth of the matter is that for many of us, the ability to emote is the preserver of sanity, and not an indication of it's absence. So, I'm here to to explain how mood swings and goofy faces can tell you (or me) more about me. Best of luck in discovering a worthwhile application for this information.

Upper left hand corner is often used for those moments when academic load is just too much. Sure, it would be much more satisfying if I did it to a person and not a book, but you have to settle for what you can get...

Top right...I wish I could say this is an unusual face, but my family can attest to the fact that I have it on just about every morning.

Middle right is a pretty good representation of my "attempting to stay awake during molecular biology" face. I've got a nasty cut on my lip from when I bit just a little to hard... :)

Just to the left of that is the classic "I forgot to study for my lab quiz AGAIN!" face.

Look left once more for the "I hate Org. chem with a passion from deep within my soul" expression.

Second from the right on the bottom pretty much personifies my inability to understand drama in life...whether from weddings and old friends or from intervarsity planning and choir rumors. Its the face you make when you just don't get it.

Of course, I'm glad that the bottom right one is last, because its the face that I make a lot these days. "Keep on Keepin' on" screams of a desire to smile no matter what, not just because it may make someone else's day, but because it really does improve your sense of sanity. ...well, that may be taking it to far...but you know what I mean.

So, now that we got that cleared up, have a great day...and don't forget to EXPRESS YOURSELF! =)

Back in the saddle...

Wow….blogging was just one of the several things that I saw myself doing a lot over break…yet here I sit on the first day of classes, ready to throw myself back into the chaos and only now sitting down to fill you in on the last month.

The tests are done and grades in…it was a relief to see my hard work pay off. And then, glorious break. I had a great time doing stuff with friends of course. Enjoyed time with the family and got to help mom through her first week after foot surgery. We had a quiet Christmas at home devoid of company and the general Christmas panic. It was lovely. I’m struck again how much the season has been cheapened…not from a lack of attention but from a determination to overemphasize some of its least important aspects. It was nice to be able to just relax in it. Not that we didn’t do our fair share of partying…about 40 people from church were over on Christmas eve to enjoy food and watch Brian Regan.

New year’s was also a little different this year…the parents decided it was time for a year off of the traditional family sleep over…but the kids revolted and planned a party anyways. We carried on as usual playing games, forming a parade through the neighborhood, and staying up until ridiculously late having girl talk. Great stuff.

It was really interesting to me as I enjoyed the company of old friends how much everyone is changing. Usually change causes me to panic, but I think that more than anything this break just hit me in the face with it. At each family gathering or date for coffee it became more and more evident that we are becoming adults…each pursuing different goals, creating different priorities, and exploring new ideas about life, truth, and love. I think that my greatest fear in seeing my friends go off to college last year was that they would come back home knowing and feeling all sorts of things that I didn’t. I feared a disconnect that would make some of our friendships nearly impossible to maintain. Little did I know that it would be a full year before I felt any of that at all. And even now, there is less frustration than there is curiosity in the observation of this process. In fact, for a few friends these changes have made our relationships all the more interesting. In all areas though, I find that my closest friends from home have stopped being my security because of their similarities and started being my kaleidoscope. This break warranted so many interesting conversations about philosophy, spiritual experiences, challenges with connecting to friends and classmates, dating, and etc. And I also discovered that I have changed more than I ever thought possible. Even through I still live at home and in many ways see myself in the same way as I did in high school, I can’t deny how much my ideas and personality and focus have shifted.

And so, after getting re-aquainted and handling a few friend crisis points, I felt very good about the break…and then promptly left the state for choir tour. I’ve loaded up on that bus many times in my life, but never as an actual member of the choir. It was a truly crazy fun experience. We went all the way to Washington DC, sang in the national cathedral and got to enjoy so much in the way of fun and memories on the way. Our concerts went great and we got to see a lot of alumni during the travels. Also got to see Dennis and Donna, the Yurchaks and some of the Costerisan clan…thanks for coming guys!

Tour is over for a few days as we come back for the beginning of classes, then we head back up to the Chicago area this weekend for a few more shows. And for now, that’s all I can really tell you about life because Organic chemistry is coming right up. One more semester here I come!!

Blessings on you all as you dive into a new year…
Morgs

Wow....

It has been a long week:

finals
crazy lab projects
drama among friends
movie nights in an attempt to relieve stress
later nights as a result of the movies
concerts everywhere
emotional strain of changes that are suddenly upon us
friends leaving town

It has been a good week:

movies
friends
egg nog and cookies
the Polar Express
Intervarsity Leadership transfers
reading christmas books from my childhood
christmas dinner and memory sharing
friends coming home

the "impossible semester" is quickly drawing to a close whether I like it or not. And in another 48 hours I will like it...a lot. 2 more days and I'm out of here!

The Lord is the Rock, the rock eternal...

the storm

seems to be a bit of a weather theme in my last few blogs...maybe it's an omen, I'll let you decide what it means

Not much time to write but I wanted to at least attempt to document my weekend. Vespers was humming along merrily when suddenly on Thursday night it started to rain...hard...and long...and cold. And by late that evening, there was a thick layer of ice covering EVERYTHING. It was really incredible...it kept raining, but the air was cold enough to produce a good 3/4 of an inch of ice on every branch of every tree, every railing, every light post and telephone wire. By 11:00 when dad and I left millikin, my car was nearly frozen solid, and the drive home was trecherous...there were branches down everwhere, power lines literally laying in the street, and slick roads everywhere. At home, 3 large branches had already fallen off of our large tree due to the weight of the ice. Our power went out around midnight and we all slept in the basement in case a limb decided to come through a window. The forest in our back yard was sounded like an avalanche every time a branch fell.

Friday morning after very small amounts of sleep between crashes, we awoke in a cold dark house...but, good news! Every school in the area INCLUDING millikin was cancelled for the day. My friend Aaron woke me up with tidings of great sledding, so we headed to the park and rounded up a gang to eat icicles, have a snowball fight, and throw ourselves pell-mell down the only hill in Decatur. A random family (3 adorable kids, a dog, and a photographing dad) joined us and we were cold and happy. We ate icicles and rolled in the snow...then went and had pancakes and movies at Holly and Mel's. Yay snow days. The snow and the ice and the crisp sunny day were SO beautiful...and through all the destruction that beauty was even more evident.

After a very long and relatively relaxing day, I finally made my way to my car to head home. No luck opening the door. Called up to the apartment asking for a boy and some hot water to help me. Aaron and I wrestled with the car door for a good 20 minutes before finally realizing that all the water had simply sealed the car shut. lovely. I left my car in it's frozen state for morning and only wiped out on the ice once on the way to his car. Oh ice...how I love you.

Saturday morning we awoke in our powerless house VERY cold...went to McDonalds for b-fast just to get something hot. I begged a hot shower off my buddies and was once again greatful for their hospitality.

Vespers was NOT cancelled, and it came off very well...we had large crowds for every show and all the hard work paid off. It is always amazing to me how satisfying it is to be a part of something bigger than yourself. Vespers is one of those shows that requires so much, but the return is huge. It is also a great bonding weekend...littered with meals and both mental and physical sweat with the gang.

4 days after the storm the trees are still covered in ice (well, what's left of the trees), it is about 15 degrees outside, and the Holmes house (along with hundreds of others) is still without power. I'm at the Bosticks, marveling at how fast the weekend flew and wondering how on earth I'm going to get through this week which is already brimming full.

Tonight my fortune cookie read, "The days ahead will provide un-anticipated support. Receive it graciously." I hate it when fortune cookies nail me on the head...yes, this week is going to be rediculously hard...but if this weekend is any indication, I do not need to worry about support, I need to worry about my ability to accept it. I'm such a pig-headed independant. I must learn how to take the blessings God sends my way as true gifts and not as insults to my ability to handle things. hmmm....

It's late, and I have to get up early to go raid my house for books (I'd go now, but it's too dark to see anything)...so I must to-bed now. Good night world...see you after finals!!

Fog

break is only about 24 hours away, but I'm a bit in a fog tonight. I'm faced with 85 pages of reading about how the American culture is dying a slow and painful death...that on top of a rather lengthy paper (ok, one that needs to be lengthy and as of yet isn't) and a pile up lab projects, readings, papers, and assignements that are about to slip into the "do over break (haha)" pile.

The back has been a little on the shady side lately, so I'm transforming my computer chair into something semi-ergonomic...the computer on the window seat in the living room and my knees on the carpet. yay carpet.

Vespers rehersals are in full swing, although the next few days will present some well needed vocal rest. Choir and jazz are both much more taxing than anything I did last year. Taxing and completely rewarding...there is nothing that helps relieve me from the stress of sciences more than a good rehersal full of mental sweat and physical strain surrounded by equally dedicated musicians. So fun. Today was load in, so suddenly the stage is covered with risers, trees, and sweaty freshman (who's task it is to move entire rows of steel seats from the balcony to the basement)...tis the season.

This weekend I got to spend a good amount of time with the soon-to-be-weds...practiced for wedding hair, went bowling, played cards...great fun. Also attended Jill's senior recital (AMAZING!!), watched "Cars" with the gang (while marveling at their abilitiy to get a bunch of college kids feeling sentimental about a racecar and a rusty tow-truck), and out for some pretty amazing ice cream...the Tiramasu flavor rocks my world...

Life is foggy...foggy in purpose, foggy in future, foggy in motivation. I'm finding a difficulty recently in understanding how my actions and decisions today are going to affect my state of being in the next week, let alone month or year. Especially in relationships, this proves to be increasingly confusing. Maybe I've hit another hyper-analytical state (not unusual for me) but I am certainly feeling some strain. The very best I can do, I've decided is to keep my mind as much on others as I can...self-centeredness is undoubtably the most destructive portion of my day to day life. As I get myself into un-anticipated tangles with those around me, I do my best to keep from getting bogged down by drama, and to give back all I can. What else is a girl to do?? No one ever said that relationships followed a formula. Thank goodness...that's what makes them so intensely enjoyable!!

so that's all...and hopefully this here fog will clear in due time. For now, it serves as a good reminder of my lack of strength and insight. I'm so clueless some time. So much lost in foggy darkness without a flashlight. And despite the helpless state that I'm in, there's something comforting about having your hands tied...it means that you are NOT the person to accomplish the amazing victory. That's someone else's job.

"Take my will and make it thine
It shall be no longer mine
Take myself and I will be
ever, only, all for thee
ever, only, all for thee"

Foggy or no, my destination is sure...alleluiah

hanging on...

the weeks fly
the friends rock
the tests loom
the cold will NOT go away
the schedule eats me

...and somehow we're already scheduling next semester...gah!! a break perhaps?

No, sometimes life is better, I think, when it moves so quickly that you can't ever get to feeling like you're in control of it. And that's what I'd do if I had things going all my way at an even steady pace. I'd lose dependance on my friends, my family, and my savior...and I would probably waste a lot of time too. ( the past hour at the computer wasn't wasted...it was a 'rest')

Life hanging on to a stem in a 90 mile an hour windstorm could be a lot worse. you get to see and experience things rapid fire. Birthdays, apple pie, bonfires, Anchorman, Vespers rehersals, games of "red rover", campus recitals, evangelism training, test taking, internship searching, wedding planning, poster making, random trips to DQ and steak n shake for sustinance.

...and while the pace is dizzying, God is being so faithful to me. I'm learning more than I ever thought there was to know...and for the most part, loving it. I'm drawing closer to people who are sharpening me. I'm teaching, but I'm also learning. Counceling and being counceled. Enjoying the sweet spirit of God in my friends who know him, and doing my best to spread that "irresistable grace" to those who don't. I'm becoming more concious of sin, of predjudice, and of straight up fear in my own life. And I'm being given the opportunities to address them.

and as I use the "grip" God gave me to keep my cool, I'm also basking in the knowledge that without Him I am nothing. I am dust. A clay jar. A mere mortal.

But God has chosen the weak, the useless, the sinners, the foolish, and the uber-busy. ...he has promised to take those hearts that are surrendered to him and indwell them with His power. Amen, and may I never forget!!

Advising day is over...turkey day approaches. Buckle in and hold on tight!!

Peace and blessings to you all,
Me

message from Brain type B

Our minds are curious things…ok, well, my mind is at least. There are days, even weeks at a time, that I am completely occupied by one heavy, deep, and real thing in my world and nothing else seems to stick. I take tests, hold conversations, and handle all the daily thoughts, but they are all really in “peripheral vision” compared to the central issue or grand focus. If you read my last blog, you probably can get a sense of what that looks like. I get frustrated when I am like this because I end up skipping over all the day-to-day joys and struggles in my attempt to single-handedly solve one of life’s great mysteries.
But then, there are days that my struggle against the force of humanity succumbs to the monotonous and common and I am forced, and rather relieved, to find myself solely focused on the day to day. What I tend to notice at these points is that the periphery has some pretty great things to offer. My past few days of existence have focused me on the following:
~ On Thursday, someone walked up to me in choir and handed me a huge jar full of candy corn, with a masking tape label of “934” on the top…closer inspection revealed that at some un-remembered point in the week I myself had penned “850” on a paper next to my name. I may have been 84 pieces off, but evidently that was close enough.
~ I watched Pride and Prejudice…and enjoyed some very stimulating conversations about it with the females in my family, and some very funny ones with the males.
~ The Cardinals pulled off a spectacular victory and became the new World Champions…it was one of those rewarding victories that my family rarely experiences since we always root for the underdog in every sporting event no matter what. This triumph will likely be repeated until my children are grown.
~ I had my first serious “college/rest of your life” discussion with Casey. (gulp…COLLEGE???)
~ We visited the King Tut exhibit at the field museum in Chicago, and although the mummy itself was not present, I was enthralled as never before with every piece of pottery and statuette.
~ I had my first true concerts in University Choir and discovered that I have already fallen in love with the group.
~ I caught a vicious head cold and slept for 14 hours in one afternoon and night. NyQuil is my friend.
~ Matt and I made up the best word in existence, “uber-woot”….and assigned a definition and proper usage rules.
~ I got to take a well deserved fall break and fill it with hospital work, family time, and yes, studying.
~ I ate a steak at Texas Road House…yeah buddy…

For now, I have no theological questions to ask, no mind bending issues to discover, no political or social agendas to challenge. My life is as it seems…precious, full, and fleeting. Nothing more, nothing less. And until Monday, when my mind desires once again to take on humanity, I’ll be happy to keep it that way.

Veritas Vincit ~ Truth Conquers

I’m having one of those weeks where it seems that everything that happens around me is linked. I love it when God does this…when I learn something in one place and find the lesson repeated or embellished at every step during the next few days. Unfortunately, this particular sequence has been less of a lesson and more of an exploration of the concept of truth.

The class:
My seminar on social classes is proving to be even more frustrating than I had originally thought. Its odd, I love it for the simple fact that I am surrounded by so many naturally brilliant and genuinely curious people. I am, however, often disgruntled by my encounters with my professor. Walking to class every Tuesday and Thursday, I have to fight back the feeling that I’m preparing myself for a battering. This professor is considered one of the best in the school, yet I find her very difficult to communicate with. Part of the reason is that we disagree on much. She is a very liberal democrat with strong socialist and feminist undertones…what’s more, she assumes a lot about the “obvious” political opinions of anyone who is truly educated. I feel a bit like I am back in high school with complete one sided teaching that borders on indoctrination at times. The only difference is that these are the exact opposites to all the packaged arguments I heard at DCS. I’m not frustrated by the presence of these poles, in fact, I think they are good for society, but I am frustrated by not feeling like there is a way to find the truth, which often seems to lie somewhere in limbo between them. In the midst of my willingness to respectfully take the other side of these arguments, I find myself holding back. I see flaws in her statistics, but I know perfectly well that those found in a lot of opposing documents are flawed too. Do I fight crap with crap? I don’t think so. In addition, I find that my questions and contradictions to her arguments are automatically met with a presupposition of my “platform” in the far right. This I suppose is fair, since I know I calculate her under a similar ruler.
And while much of what I am learning in this class I disagree with, my eyes are unquestionably being opened to a side of our society which I had before been sheltered to. It is, in a way, refreshing to feel like I’m finally getting the other side of the story…the benefits of welfare, the genuine problems with tax cuts, the truly repulsive waste that happens every day in our government. But these truths, combined with some questions about the wisdom of conservative policy, can prove to be hard to swallow. In fact, as much as I love the discovery of new points of view, I am noticing that the truth can be as disillusioning as it can be inspirational.

The verses:
Dad was sharing some verses with me the other day that proved very challenging to me. Take a peek at Matt. 13:24-30. It’s a parable that Jesus tells about wheat and weeds. The parable essentially explains that Christ knew full well that Christians would be surrounded by faithless, godless people…in fact, for some reason He desires us to continue to grow right along with them. In fact, he says, “if you pull out the weeds, you might pull out the wheat with them.” And while these verses clearly state that the parable is talking about people, I started wondering if it applies to ideas and intellect. I get the sense more and more as I am intellectually trained in a very dark place that God intentionally allows lies to penetrate my surrounding so that truth itself is not damaged by the removal of the lies. …this seems like such a paradox and an anti Christian thing to say, but let me explain. As I said above, I get the sense that very often the truth lies between two extremes. By themselves, these two poles are lies, but together, they may guide us to the truth. C.S. Lewis discusses this in Mere Christianity…he says that one of the devil’s best tricks is making us acutely aware of one evil and getting us to work so hard at steering clear of this evil that we end up falling into another. God calls us, rather, to be wise as serpents…making ourselves aware of the lies on both ends and finding a way to walk steadily between them. If this is true, than the removal of the extremes of arguments, of morality, and of opinion could be devastating to our discovery of truth. …for a fish to understand that the water it lives it is what keeps it alive, it must first be exposed to air…

The Play:
A good friend of mine was recently in an MU production of “The Crucible” which I went to see on Thursday night. It’s a story about the Salem witch trials, written as a political argument during the time of the Communist trials in the states in the 1950’s. Here in 2006, it was being used as an argument against the Bush policies for the questioning and detaining and mistreating of terrorist suspects during the war. Fair enough. I went in prepared to think critically about the political implications. I wasn’t prepared for the personal ones though.

The premise of this play goes far beyond the search for witches, the injustice of the judicial system, the consequences of vengeance, and the hipocricy and blindness of the church…it deals with truth on the deepest levels…truth in the hearts of every man on earth. Throughout the plot it becomes increasingly plain that the power of lies and hate are strong, and the truth is neither easy to discern nor comfortable to vocalize. It is by the “truth” of confession of sin that each of the accused is finally released from prison…but to confess is also to lie. For those courageous enough to choose truth over release, the gallows await. In the final scenes, the lead, John Proctor, who has fought and failed to convince the jury of the true witches, is given one last chance to confess in order to save his own life. He speaks to his wife in anguish, saying that he is more than willing to go the gallows but knows full well that to do so would be a falsehood in itself. “I am John Proctor,” he says, “in whom I see no good. I am as black as any, and to hang next to a saint would be to shame her. For me, to tell the truth would be a farce, for it would declare me a martyr when I am only a sinner.” He signs a confession with an anguished spirit, and then the pastor demands it, ready to nail to the church door. John refuses, saying that to place his name upon the door would be to condemn all of those who had already been killed. Finally, this rational causes him to rip the confession and be lead to his death.

This play asked the questions which I perceive to be the hardest of any that a Christian must grapple with: are there some elements to truth which vary based on the person? Does defense of the truth sometimes call for a lie? Is staying true to ones convictions more or less important than actions which may illuminate the truth for many in the end? It was ultimately a frustrating catch 22 and an extremely moving performance. If’ you ever get the chance, go see it.

The life:
Several times in the last few weeks I’ve been faced with the frustrating choice between speaking truth and showing grace. As a member of the body of Christ, I find this issue to be increasingly difficult. College is full of people from every different background and creed imaginable…and I’m not just talking unbelievers…I’m talking Christians too. One increasingly complex example is a new friendship that I am building with one of the freshman music majors here. He is a sweetheart, a talented musician, a Christian, and also a homosexual. He started coming to Intervarsity very soon after school started and has been quite faithful ever since. This is a very unique situation for our group…the chances of a gay guy walking into our circle is about 1/10,000…and I have been SO PROUD of my circle of friends who have taken roles in befriending, encouraging, and spiritually sharpening him already. Yet I am also scared. I believe that homosexuality is a sin…no worse or better than any other sin that any of us commit, but a sin none the less. I also believe that God calls Christians to exhort other believers in what the Bible says…I believe that God asks us to keep a watch out for sinful patterns in each other’s lives and call each other on them. I believe that the truth should be shared with boldness.

However, on a campus like Millikin, I am increasingly aware that if we drive this guy away he will be accepted with open arms into 49 other groups on campus. He has dealt with so much hatred and judgment from the church already…I do not want to become another example of a holier-than-thou community. And in the midst of all of this, I have become acutely aware of the major difference between him and myself: I am able to hide my sin…he cannot. I’ve been practicing this charade since I was little…learning how to effectively cover up my black heart with smiles and warmth and service and passion and worship. And the church is a whole group of people who have learned to do the same thing. If you want open and honest relationships that do not attempt to hide their insufficiencies the church is often the last place to go. We as believers have bought into the nonsense that our fellowships should be perfect, sinless, and unfaltering. It is no wonder that girls who become pregnant outside of marriage often just leave the church rather than facing the congregation. This is more than facing the shame of sin, it is facing a group of people and being the only one who “got caught” in sin. Surely this is not the type of church that we are called to…surely the grace of God is big enough that we can share it within our own congregations…surely we can find a way to speak truth without forever alienating our own brothers and sisters.

And yet, this “surely” is as vague and cloudy to me right now as anything. I cannot solve the puzzle. I keep praying that God will use this time of uncertainty to help me cleanse my own heart, and then give me courage to speak up when the time comes. I know that at some point this opportunity will come around. Please pray for strength to stand up in it.

And so, through the last 2 weeks and the longest blog imaginable, I am still unable to say that I understand the concept of truth. I do pray though that I may become they type of believer found in 2 Tim 2:15: Do your best to present yourself to God as an approved worker who has nothing to be ashamed of, handling the word of truth with precision.

May the truth, in the end, conquer all…

It's Monday!!! Hooray!!!

...never have I been so glad to have a weekend over... I felt like I turned into the guys I went to high school, cause all weekend I was saying to myself, "Don't worry, Monday is only ___ days away." It was a day that I regarded with both hope and fear, but in either case, it was the goal.

Today I had my first test. Scratch that...today I had my first three tests. Translation of this fact means that my weekend was CRAZINESS. Except for church, work, a rehersal, and Intervarsity, I was hitting the books all weekend. I don't ever remember studying so hard or long in my life. But now, finally, they are over and my writer's cramp can work itself out and hopefully the rock between my shoulder blades will move on. Praise the Lord for the stamina to make it through this first big bump...now let's just hope that the test scores reflect my work.

I have a whole day between me and the next test...so I'm gonna go run and listen to music for a really long time...then I'm gonna go home and take a nap.

I, Morgan Holmes, solemnly vow not to touch a text book for the next 3 hours.

HUZZAAH!

Class-y

For most people this time of year, the word “class” refers to the occupation that is suddenly consuming large portions of our life. But the word has taken on whole new meanings in the past week, and although going to class is becoming the rule and not the exception, the term “class” (and all of its forms: classy, classic, etc) is making the old brain turn.

It all started last week in my second class…it’s an honor’s seminar, which essentially means it’s a lot of smart kids and a smarter teacher who sit around for a semester and read and discuss a TON of material relating to a subject that has little to do with academics. This semester the course title is “Aesthetics and Ethics of the Social Class.” Fun.

So our prof sends us a list of 4 books (“go ahead and start on them early…take them on vacation even!”), we come to class and pay 25 dollars for another “packet” (which weighs the same amount as my chemistry text), and settle into the routine. We started the discussion with some pretty typical examinations of social classes in America. It’s a fact of life that surrounds us each day, but it’s a topic that is pretty taboo in our society. This is America…the melting pot…the land of opportunity…the home to great men who pull themselves up by their bootstraps and change the course of history. Classes?? HERE??? Surely not. Fake. That’s what our message of equality has become. Social injustice is all around…but greater than the injustice is the oh so clear lines that distinguish the group you “fit in.” This discussion was sad, but it wasn’t until the next class period that I really started to get heated.

We’re reading a text by Paul Fussell called, appropriately, “Class.” It’s about as frustrating as it is painfully “accurate.” The guy takes on the role of an omnipotent and omniscient social critic and begins ripping people’s lives apart. He talks about the “social markers” which place us into categories. The type of car you drive, whether or not you ever wear purple, or worse, purple suits. Whether your clothes have lettering on them. Your affinity for cats. The designs on your tie. The utensils on your kitchen counter. The number of times a month you go bowling. The places you visit on vacation. Where you stay when you visit those places. How much you talk about wealth and money. Where you go to church. What you serve on Thanksgiving. How you decorate your bathroom. What types of flowers you have on your table during special events. The types of metal furnishings you have in your living room. Think I’m kidding? Well, you’re wrong. And that’s just possessions and entertainment. There’s a whole other description of class as evidenced by what people do for occupations and the rest of “life.”

As we discussed his opinion in class, I found my mind wandering. I think what got to me in this guy’s book was not his information, but his tone. Flat. In your face. Blatant. And an absolutely impenetrable opinion. “Think that a purple shirt you have is cool?? Clearly you’re lost…and what’s worse, you WORKED to buy that thing. Heh…guess your kids are going to be middle class too, because only old money is really high class these days.” It’s not that I’m fighting for purple…not that I think that classes don’t exist…I’m just becoming aware more and more that my attitude is painfully similar to his.

I’m a social critic. I’m a judgmental person. My first impressions are pretty accurate for the most part…and while I usually get to know a lot of different types of people, I find them categorized even in my own brain. People watching is one of my favorite things to do…I love sitting back at soccer games or at the super market or in the business school and just observing the various bubbles of “reality” around me. I relish the crabby kid whining for more candy as much as the model and her hot man making their way to the fancy restaurant. WHY??? Who cares??

I like to think that when I observe I’m learning some psychology or studying the human existence. And maybe I am. But I’m also making assumptions, and dishing out praise or distain just as quickly. Even when I criticize with pity or understanding, at the end of the day I’m still sitting on my butt and figuring out where I am in “the grand scheme of society”…above or below them?? That is the question.

I got in my car and the commercials were on.
“Do you ever watch the millionaires around you and wonder how they got so lucky?? The truth is…THEY ARE NO DIFFERENT THAN YOU! The truth is that you too can become very rich by…”
switch of the dials…next station:
“Have you been longing for a super sleek new Ipod Nano?? Well now, you can have one absolutely FREE by…”
The same sing-songy voices everywhere.

It reminded me of my trip to Chicago a few weekends ago. I was feeling a bit out of my element because my friends were definitely a little richer than I was. We were “browsing” in stores that I couldn’t pronounce, me fingering clothing and trying on ridiculous belts with another buddy, them blowing a few hundred bucks in each store…buying whatever looked good and getting it without even trying it on. And when we walked back into the center of the shopping area, I saw a sign, with a mall logo on it, that said: “Water Tower Place: Defining You.” Defining you?? No, no…you can define what clothes people wear maybe, I thought, you can define the fashions, the brands, the most revered purses, the most expensive footwear. You might even be able to define people’s attitudes. But the people themselves?? Ha! See if I buy so much as a bubble gum ball while I’m here!! As we walked out, it hit me like a ton of bricks that they very fact that they can put that on a sign in a mall says something about the people that walk by. It means we believe it. It means we’ve bought in to the lie that we are what we wear or buy or yearn for. It used to be that we were what we ate. Now we are the shoes we walk on and the cell phones that we have pressed to our ears. And my reaction, I realize now, means that I have decided I am superior to that mindset. Better. Higher. More intelligent.

Great…that’s all I need. More categories. And another reason to elevate myself on the self classy-fication ladder.

You see, for every person who is loaded…who has 5 corvettes in their driveway, who attends Harvard, who jet-sets to an island every other weekend, and for the girl at Millikin carrying a different designer purse every day, I have a prideful answer. “I may not have money, but I’ve got work ethic.” “Sure, you’ve got a hot boyfriend, but I know how to be independent.” “I don’t waste hundreds of dollars a year on clothing…there are kids starving in Africa.” Fussell would call my reasoning “hopelessly middle class” because I feel that I have to prove myself to those who “have more.” I call it stupid. And arrogant. And fake. And some other words I can’t say.


It’s not about money, or purple, or bowling. It’s about they way that I long to uphold myself. And about the way that we all crave respect, admiration, and “status” for something.

Indeed, all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ.
A person is no longer a Jew or a Greek, a slave or a free person, a male or a female, because all of you are one in Christ Jesus.
And if you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham's descendants and heirs according to the promise.
Galatians 3:27-29

…sheesh…what more status do I think I need than the identity of Christ himself?? The rub?? This status requires us to put ourselves aside. To lose our lives for his sake. To humble ourselves in his sight and the sight of all men around us.

I have no clue how to do this. And something tells me that wearing purple for the rest of my days and hugging cats as often as possible won’t help. So now I have to go read the last 120 pages of Fussell’s book…and I pray that it may open another window for me, not to look on the black and white lines of social class around me, but to look at myself, and the desperately selfish mindset I have fallen into.

Hope you all are doing amazingly well…another more optimistic (and hopefully shorter) post to follow. Blessings~

Round 2:

school...yeah....I do that now

Many books, many notebooks, many syllabi

auditions over...no information yet...I live with the guy who makes the call...weird

Outreach for new students every night this week...attempting to draw freshmen into IV

Sick...already...sore throats and sneezes in August bite hard

awesome to see everyone again...spending tons of time at the Woods with buddies

it's raining outside...I love rain

I'm drinking hot tea....I love hot tea

time to go home....I love home

the comings and goings...

Greetings all…

It’s that time of year again…time for the sudden but worthwhile transition back into college life. Last year I felt like it was strange simply because my “going to college” experience involved no “going” at all. This year, there is an entirely different type of weird. I’m staying in the same place but I’m watching the coming and going simultaneously. It’s like being in two movie theaters at once…experiencing the various emotions and events with only one brain and attempting to learn how to cry and chuckle at the same time. Not that either event has been particularly sad or happy to this point…just that the settings and the events that I find myself in hour to hour belong to completely different worlds.

On one hand, I am rapidly approaching another round of bittersweet goodbyes. The week has included a night of spades, a Bible Study cook out, a round of cigars, and even a trip to Chicago, all in celebration and enjoyment of the last days before the buddies split up again. These nights have included reminiscing, catching up on the latest news, having a goofy fun time, and talking about the exciting things that are yet to come in the year. We make plans for the next break, shed a few tears over the departing freshmen, take pictures (“you’ve got to facebook ALL of these!!”), and give large hugs. It’s good fun.

On the other hand, I’m already beginning the re-welcoming of the Millikin buddies who are coming back to help with freshman orientation. These first few days will be as any re-uniting of friends will be. We give big hugs first, then throw ourselves into organizing, sorting, unpacking…then try and think of things to say. We are fully anticipating an awesome year, but we can’t seem to get past happy expressions of “I’ve missed you so much!!” or “I can’t believe we’re sophomores!!” or “so what did you do all summer??” …This I know will all wear off in a few days, but for now we settle into the comfortable but very blank “clean slate” of a new year.

I feel like the people I know are working a jigsaw around me…Jackie leaves for India, Matt comes back from band camp (Oh, excuse me, drum CORE), Annie and Aaron leave for Cedarville, Costerisans come back from vacation, Cassie leaves for Baylor, Faith and Beckie come back to MU, Most of the college buddies depart, Jackie comes home for 36 hours then leaves again, Matt and Tina leave for college, cue 2000 Millikin students. Wow!!

I’m starting to think I’ve got the best of both worlds in a way…I mean who else gets to dye their hair with friends, play awesome games, help friends pack, help friends unpack, and look repetitively into both the past and the future all in the same week??? Looking back, and remembering the despair that this week brought me only a year ago makes me chuckle a bit and then say a huge prayer of thanks. God has been so faithful…and not just to me. Each of you are a walking testimony to His enduring love and his plan for good. Everything may not be clear…but all is for a purpose…His purpose and not mine. And so as all the rushing hither and yon keeps happening I’ll sit here a while and watch contentedly…and thank Him that I’m not the one who holds the design.
For those of you who are taking off…blessings. I look forward to enjoying another clean slate with you come winter break. Know that I’ll be praying for you often. And for those of you coming “home”…get back in a hurry…there’s lots to be done!!

In His peace,
Me

five days...

Five days. That’s all. As of July 23, our complete family had been in Decatur for only five 24 hour periods since summer started. On only five nights had we all laid our heads on the pillows designated for us. And for only five days had we been a full “family.” Dad was in England for 3 weeks, I was at Summit for 2, Casey was at camp for 2, and mom and dad hit a choral convention for another weekend. It’s been such an odd summer, but a cool one too because we’ve had to learn to connect and cope with only portions of our family unit. Forinstance, last week when mom and dad were gone and Casey was at camp, TJ and I had the house to ourselves for a few days. It was interesting to get to learn some things just about him…something I don’t often get the chance to do. I watched his ball games, talked with him about his friends, played with him in the rain, and learned that he’s man enough to not only endure but suggest chick flicks every once in a while. He has such a sweet spirit and I saw it in a renewed way during our 48 hours together. Cool stuff…little bro stuff…stuff I should never forget to notice.

So, anyways…5 days…and now suddenly we’re on vacation…relaxing and soaking up the beautiful Colorado air as a family. I love it! Just being in the car together all day for the first time in as long as I can remember was WEIRD, but such a great time to re-connect and tell stories and laugh. TJ told jokes, Dad rewrote state songs as we crossed each border, Casey slept a ton, I read and observed the scenery. Mom did a little of everything…utilizing her regular “little bags.” These are a family joke…somehow she always manages to jam about 15 of them between the front seats when we head out for an excursion. There’s the snack bag, the cosmetic bag, the reading bag, the activity bag, the “I really should do it but probably won’t till I get back” bag…etc. Over the course of the trip these bags usually migrate past us kids (“dude, Cheese-its?? Cool!!”) and into the trunk. She read some Dave Barry to us on the way and kept dad awake. That night we enjoyed quality time by the pool at the hotel and consumed way too much Chinese take-out. Ahhh…vacation.

Since we’ve been here we’ve done nothing and everything…all the normal haunts but nothing seemingly significant. If any of you were ever to accompany us on a vacation, you might shake your head at our rituals and occupations here in the beautiful rocky mountains. But you’d just have to deal with it. The very roads and trees up here carry significance, memories, and adventure for our family. We hike through Tin Cup, the only town within an hour (summer population about 300) and visit the beaver dams just beyond it. We enjoy a piece of pie at the café and look through post cards in the gift shop…the same 45 prints that they’ve had since I was 6. Dad always points out the large safes, which are the only remnants of the booming mining town that tin cup once was (over 3500 people at its peak). We visit the lily-pad pond…which has varying levels of water, lilies, and cow pies each year. We find our favorite scenic spot and take approximately 15 pictures in front of the peaks, which slice the blue sky in the same pattern as always. One of our favorite days is the “Taylor Canyon Picnic” day. On this momentous occasion we travel past the reservoir and down into the river canyon about 10 miles until we come to a campground that mom and her family visited every year when she was young. This river, filled with boulders and fly fisherman is perfect for a cooler and some blankets and a relaxing day. The activities rarely change. Jump rock to rock upstream for as long as possible…fall in if necessary…find a rock big enough to sit on for a while and just reflect. Take a nap on a blanket. Look for mountain goats on the cliffs above. Select a perfect boat (stick, branch, or even tree stump) and throw it in with the rest of the family…race downstream to the appointed finish line…cheer and/or dispute the winner…repeat. Journal and read. Fish. Eat sandwiches and entirely too many Oreos. This day always promotes good conversation and brings out the “frolick” in the parents. Actually, it should be noted that there was some new activity this year…mom and I and dad crossed a felled tree on hands and knees to reach a small island in the middle…quite an adventure! Oh…and it rained during lunch this year so we ate under the protective back doors of Grandpa’s jeep and our van backed together. Quite good…quite good!!

Of course, I have not yet mentioned the fishing, which is a daily task in the streams below our cabin. Groups venture out at all hours of the day to find their prey and enjoy the game of sneaking in on calm pools, dropping a juicy worm into the rapids above, and waiting for that satisfying jerk. Great fun…nothing like it. Nor can I say that I enjoy anything quite so much as the crisp mountain air and the way that you are completely out of breath by the time you climb the hill coming home.

And while the scenery and the activities never change, we keep coming back to this place…it’s a group of people…a stunning environment…a valley of memories, which holds not just stability but something new each time we make the trek. We’ve enjoyed Grandma’s great cooking all week…pondered and reflected on life, which somehow becomes silhouetted by the powerful nature around us…and caught up on all the family news. I can hardly believe that we’ll be coming home in a day!! I think I can sympathize with Dash and say, “That was like the best vacation EVER!!! …I love our family…”

the frustrating thing about Tiggers

I had another identifying moment (actually more like an identifying chapter) in my life this week. I started a new job at an assisted living care center...covering for someone who's on vacation for a couple of weeks and pitching in as I can after that. I seriously need to write a book of short stories from the past few shifts...every moment is one that needs to be captured. For the sake of my memory (and in the hopes that perhaps someday I'll have time to do things like write well), I'd like to jot down a few. Enjoy.

Ida Mae is a sweet older woman who got completely frustrated a few days ago when she couldn't find the number 10 on her telephone. My co-worker tried to explain it to her but she did not believe that the number 10 was two numbers. I'm so glad that it wasn't in the room at the time...i had more than a brief chuckle from the incident.

Walter is the gentleman of the community...he is forever opening doors and watching for people who need a helping hand. he always has a smile and a wave, although he spends the majority of his days sitting on a couch in the commons room watching the same people pass by again and again. He is also quite an avid dancer...we had a musical group come in to play some old war tunes today and he took several of the ladies for a spin. Can you say CUTE??

The oldest member of the group is a sweet little lady, 97 years old just a few days ago. She is a 4 foot 7 ball of determination and a wonderfully precious personality. A surgery that she had a few weeks ago left her vocal chords paralyzed and reduced her to a very urgent whisperer. yesterday she had another surgery to loosen her "pipes" and when I went in today she had taken on the volume and tone of a life long smoker. ...My guess is that she'll be speaking full swing by tomorrow.

Gerry is a white-crowned lady who is a bit more independant. She has a walker but could probably benefit from a speed limit. She does three laps of our hallway every morning before and after breakfast...and whenever she reaches the end of a hall she flips her "support" around faster than you could imagine. She only seems unsure of herself when this walker is not at her side...unfortunately her memory sends me on the chase 3 or 4 times a day. :)

Another favorite pal of mine is a man named Lester...he's the closest thing I'll ever see to a living, breathing Don Knotts. His goofy smile, his gait, his tone of voice, and the little jigs he does on the way up and down the hallways (even despite his cane) keep all of us laughing and energized. How come he has more energy than me at 6 in the morning??

This job is SO different then my work at the hospital. In the place of chaos and files and doctors and interruptions are calmness and coaxing and smiles and long chats in the dining room. I have to give showers but I'm also asked to wait on tables and sit down with residents who are lonely and help the secretary if she needs it. It's less about a well oiled corporate machine and more about a team that does what needs to be done. I love the residents, love the staff, love the change in myself when I walk through the door. I've decided that I'm a tigger. ...that's weird cause I've always thought of myself as a bit of an Eyore...but after this week think not.

...I bounce...

Yeah...literally, but figuratively too. I'm energized by large groups and busy schedules. I like being needed but even if I'm not directly needed I usually try to get right in the middle of things anyway. Is that bad? I'm thinking not totally, but I have had pause to wonder in the last few days. Why is it that I'm not content to sit back and observe? That I can't stand more than a few days of "slow"...whatever that means?

I'm struck on a gargantuan level that while I thrive on the fast-paced and crazy I learn the best from the slow and thoughtful. Maybe that's why I love the mountains and the woods so much...they are the antithesis of "hectic" and yet they are anything but calm and subdued. Hmmm...

So here I am...a tigger...and suddenly I've knocked over a whole line of Poohs. ...Or rather, I've been knocked down by their willingness to keep both feet on the ground and look at the details around them. They enjoy the decorative tassels on the pillows as much as their visitors...and despite the numerous "Oh Bother" moments which plague the older generation, they are generally quietly pleasant. Is there a way to blend these two?? Am I supposed to choose one over the other? Maybe if I keep smashing into poohs I'll become some sort of hybrid. ...For now, I'm content with this experience that God's dropped in my lap...or directly under my "bouncy trouncy fun fun fun fun fun!!"

Blessings to you all...

Reeling

i'm back.


There's this weird feeling...similar to the one I felt on re-entering the country after a 6 month sojourn with my family in Europe. ...this odd sensation that everything I grew up around is strangely familiar but I see it totally differently. I remember the first time I saw a "Super Walmart" with its sprawling parking lots and bustling people. It's not that I'd never seen a building that big...but after 190 ish days in the cramped and reflective streets of England it was a shock. ...that's how I feel...like everything I see is now viewed through new eyes. It's exciting and daunting and a bit freaky.

Tonight we had our first college bible study since my return. We dove head first into some facinatingly frustrating questions that no one could answer. We got way off track but ended up hitting some very intersting convos. ...It was one of those nights where all I could do was hope that somehow God could take the mud we made and allow some pure water to come to the surface eventually. If there's one thing I learned at summit it was "doubt and questioning God are not bad...it is when we cease to struggle with Him that we are in danger."

My family and I spent the better part of today comparing notes on all the stuff we've been doing over the past three weeks. Dad loaded us up with chocolate (the good stuff...not the American crap we get here) and stories of British-isms. We got to reminice with him a bit about our time over there (I can't BELIEVE that was 5 years ago!) and he shared about his choir experience. He had some very interesting encounters, especially when it came to attempting intellectual conversations about spirituality. In light of the fire hydrant that has pushed me along these past few weeks, we had some interesting discussions and got to banter back and forth about the head knowledge and the "real world." I love my family because we have some amazing discussions when we get in the mood. I love that I have parents who care what I think and why...and I also happen to think they are some of the most wise people I know. I also showed lots of pictures of all my buddies from Summit. I've talked with someone from there every day...its nice to be in touch still, I miss them terribly.

I've been trying to slowly unpack my suitcase and my brain...attempting to slowly but surely pull everything out, assess it, and then re-process it as I can. I'm reeling the information back into myself in a slightly more organized manner...reeling while trying to re-adjust to life...reeling at the thought of all that I must dedicate myself to learning over the rest of the summer. I'm jazzed beyond belief but very tired. On that note...my bed is looking quite appealing, I believe I'll try it out. Blessings on your independance day, and love to you all.

Cedarville University
11:30 PM

Tonight I walked around after the final session to think and pray and explore a little. The grass was wet and my flip flop broke so I took off my shoes and walked in the grass. I love wet grass. I wandered down to the lake/pond here on campus. It’s been laughed at all week for its size, but tonight it truly did look idyllic. The wide, darkening sky and lights reflecting off its surface made it truly beautiful. We had a huge thunderstorm this afternoon and after the rain and the wind everything was extremely calm. I followed the grass around, aimlessly wandering and found a little bridge and fountain. It’s the part of campus clearly dedicated to aesthetics…and calling the pensive and the romantic. It’s my guess that more than one female Cedarville student has dreamt of sharing her first kiss on that bridge. For their sakes I hope it happened to.

Tonight I heard, hands down, the BEST explanation of the biggest problem students have with Christianity. “If God is so loving and so powerful, why am I sitting in the middle of evil? Why do people die, why do children get murdered, why do tsunamis take the lives of thousands?” Our speaker did not mince words…in fact, he shot down most of the cliché responses to this question and even a few responses that seem legitimate. He explained the logical and emotional reasons that people “pick a bone” with God…and he explained the reasoning that other worldviews give to the problem of evil. He pointed out that most people turn away from their belief in God because they are mad. Mad at who?? God. People understand the hurt of pain but they cannot come up with anyone to “blame” but Him. People who do bad things can be disregarded as immoral, natural disasters can be shirked as “unavoidable”, accidents can be passed off as the ultimate example of the randomness of life. But GOD…God should be able to handle all of this…and the presence of evil is truly unavoidable.

Ultimately, as the speaker pointed out tonight there is no “solution” to this problem…but there can be resolution as we begin to understand who it is that Christ has promised to be in our daily lives. I wish I had paid more attention to the verses that I read when I was little…to the ones that says that Christ doesn’t just forgive our sins but bears our sorrows (Isaiah 53). God has never promised that we would be without pain…but he has given a part of himself to feel the pain right along with us. As if the pain and blackness of our sins weren’t enough, Jesus has promised to feel everything that we do.

Ever paid attention to the shortest verse in the Bible? One of Jesus’ best friends has been sick, and even though he could have gone to help he doesn’t. The friend dies…and when Jesus finally shows up, Mary does not even try to hold back her frustration. “Jesus…if you had just come…just showed up…or even spoke the words from where you were, my brother might still be alive!!” …And Jesus, who knows full well that in 5 minutes Lazareth will be back from the dead, does not bother Mary with “it’s ok…just wait, this is gonna turn out GREAT!” Jesus doesn’t ask Mary for “more faith” or tell her “oh, this is just a growing experience.” No…he weeps with her. He takes her in his arms and feels her grief. He shows his human side, but more than that he shows us that he cannot ignore our pain. He has promised to bear it all. And after he has finished holding her, crying with her, he walks across the lawn and performs his most spectacular work yet to be seen on earth.

Our speaker also challenged us tonight that God created a world that he knew would fall not because he wanted us to go through crap but because he knew that we must have free will in order to truly love him back. God knew that a redeemed world, even one that was filled with hate and lies and pain, would ultimately be better than a world that had never fallen at all. Because let’s face it…if we were still in the garden, still perfect, and still living a life free from evil and sin, would we even take the time to realize that God was there?? But when we as his children are forgiven, comforted, and then redeemed to actually do good…then will we be able to look at our savior with love and run to him in helpless abandon. Wow. …wow….

I’ve just tried to nutshell about 1.5 hours of the 8+ hours of teaching I had today alone. And I don’t have time in this message to talk about the amazing worship sessions we’ve been having too. Or the slip-and-slide that we did today. Or the fantastic people here. Or the things God has been teaching me about being content with the person that I am no matter what I see around me.

Please pray for protection and faith to walk through the fiery darts that Satan is sending our way. It’s amazing how many kids have gotten calls in the last 48 hours about failing relatives, friends on death’s doorstep, or friends with new drug addictions. Thanks Lord for the teaching that we need…

I love you all…feel free to call me any time…I like voicemails!!
In his peace,


Me