Wow....

It has been a long week:

finals
crazy lab projects
drama among friends
movie nights in an attempt to relieve stress
later nights as a result of the movies
concerts everywhere
emotional strain of changes that are suddenly upon us
friends leaving town

It has been a good week:

movies
friends
egg nog and cookies
the Polar Express
Intervarsity Leadership transfers
reading christmas books from my childhood
christmas dinner and memory sharing
friends coming home

the "impossible semester" is quickly drawing to a close whether I like it or not. And in another 48 hours I will like it...a lot. 2 more days and I'm out of here!

The Lord is the Rock, the rock eternal...

the storm

seems to be a bit of a weather theme in my last few blogs...maybe it's an omen, I'll let you decide what it means

Not much time to write but I wanted to at least attempt to document my weekend. Vespers was humming along merrily when suddenly on Thursday night it started to rain...hard...and long...and cold. And by late that evening, there was a thick layer of ice covering EVERYTHING. It was really incredible...it kept raining, but the air was cold enough to produce a good 3/4 of an inch of ice on every branch of every tree, every railing, every light post and telephone wire. By 11:00 when dad and I left millikin, my car was nearly frozen solid, and the drive home was trecherous...there were branches down everwhere, power lines literally laying in the street, and slick roads everywhere. At home, 3 large branches had already fallen off of our large tree due to the weight of the ice. Our power went out around midnight and we all slept in the basement in case a limb decided to come through a window. The forest in our back yard was sounded like an avalanche every time a branch fell.

Friday morning after very small amounts of sleep between crashes, we awoke in a cold dark house...but, good news! Every school in the area INCLUDING millikin was cancelled for the day. My friend Aaron woke me up with tidings of great sledding, so we headed to the park and rounded up a gang to eat icicles, have a snowball fight, and throw ourselves pell-mell down the only hill in Decatur. A random family (3 adorable kids, a dog, and a photographing dad) joined us and we were cold and happy. We ate icicles and rolled in the snow...then went and had pancakes and movies at Holly and Mel's. Yay snow days. The snow and the ice and the crisp sunny day were SO beautiful...and through all the destruction that beauty was even more evident.

After a very long and relatively relaxing day, I finally made my way to my car to head home. No luck opening the door. Called up to the apartment asking for a boy and some hot water to help me. Aaron and I wrestled with the car door for a good 20 minutes before finally realizing that all the water had simply sealed the car shut. lovely. I left my car in it's frozen state for morning and only wiped out on the ice once on the way to his car. Oh ice...how I love you.

Saturday morning we awoke in our powerless house VERY cold...went to McDonalds for b-fast just to get something hot. I begged a hot shower off my buddies and was once again greatful for their hospitality.

Vespers was NOT cancelled, and it came off very well...we had large crowds for every show and all the hard work paid off. It is always amazing to me how satisfying it is to be a part of something bigger than yourself. Vespers is one of those shows that requires so much, but the return is huge. It is also a great bonding weekend...littered with meals and both mental and physical sweat with the gang.

4 days after the storm the trees are still covered in ice (well, what's left of the trees), it is about 15 degrees outside, and the Holmes house (along with hundreds of others) is still without power. I'm at the Bosticks, marveling at how fast the weekend flew and wondering how on earth I'm going to get through this week which is already brimming full.

Tonight my fortune cookie read, "The days ahead will provide un-anticipated support. Receive it graciously." I hate it when fortune cookies nail me on the head...yes, this week is going to be rediculously hard...but if this weekend is any indication, I do not need to worry about support, I need to worry about my ability to accept it. I'm such a pig-headed independant. I must learn how to take the blessings God sends my way as true gifts and not as insults to my ability to handle things. hmmm....

It's late, and I have to get up early to go raid my house for books (I'd go now, but it's too dark to see anything)...so I must to-bed now. Good night world...see you after finals!!

Fog

break is only about 24 hours away, but I'm a bit in a fog tonight. I'm faced with 85 pages of reading about how the American culture is dying a slow and painful death...that on top of a rather lengthy paper (ok, one that needs to be lengthy and as of yet isn't) and a pile up lab projects, readings, papers, and assignements that are about to slip into the "do over break (haha)" pile.

The back has been a little on the shady side lately, so I'm transforming my computer chair into something semi-ergonomic...the computer on the window seat in the living room and my knees on the carpet. yay carpet.

Vespers rehersals are in full swing, although the next few days will present some well needed vocal rest. Choir and jazz are both much more taxing than anything I did last year. Taxing and completely rewarding...there is nothing that helps relieve me from the stress of sciences more than a good rehersal full of mental sweat and physical strain surrounded by equally dedicated musicians. So fun. Today was load in, so suddenly the stage is covered with risers, trees, and sweaty freshman (who's task it is to move entire rows of steel seats from the balcony to the basement)...tis the season.

This weekend I got to spend a good amount of time with the soon-to-be-weds...practiced for wedding hair, went bowling, played cards...great fun. Also attended Jill's senior recital (AMAZING!!), watched "Cars" with the gang (while marveling at their abilitiy to get a bunch of college kids feeling sentimental about a racecar and a rusty tow-truck), and out for some pretty amazing ice cream...the Tiramasu flavor rocks my world...

Life is foggy...foggy in purpose, foggy in future, foggy in motivation. I'm finding a difficulty recently in understanding how my actions and decisions today are going to affect my state of being in the next week, let alone month or year. Especially in relationships, this proves to be increasingly confusing. Maybe I've hit another hyper-analytical state (not unusual for me) but I am certainly feeling some strain. The very best I can do, I've decided is to keep my mind as much on others as I can...self-centeredness is undoubtably the most destructive portion of my day to day life. As I get myself into un-anticipated tangles with those around me, I do my best to keep from getting bogged down by drama, and to give back all I can. What else is a girl to do?? No one ever said that relationships followed a formula. Thank goodness...that's what makes them so intensely enjoyable!!

so that's all...and hopefully this here fog will clear in due time. For now, it serves as a good reminder of my lack of strength and insight. I'm so clueless some time. So much lost in foggy darkness without a flashlight. And despite the helpless state that I'm in, there's something comforting about having your hands tied...it means that you are NOT the person to accomplish the amazing victory. That's someone else's job.

"Take my will and make it thine
It shall be no longer mine
Take myself and I will be
ever, only, all for thee
ever, only, all for thee"

Foggy or no, my destination is sure...alleluiah

hanging on...

the weeks fly
the friends rock
the tests loom
the cold will NOT go away
the schedule eats me

...and somehow we're already scheduling next semester...gah!! a break perhaps?

No, sometimes life is better, I think, when it moves so quickly that you can't ever get to feeling like you're in control of it. And that's what I'd do if I had things going all my way at an even steady pace. I'd lose dependance on my friends, my family, and my savior...and I would probably waste a lot of time too. ( the past hour at the computer wasn't wasted...it was a 'rest')

Life hanging on to a stem in a 90 mile an hour windstorm could be a lot worse. you get to see and experience things rapid fire. Birthdays, apple pie, bonfires, Anchorman, Vespers rehersals, games of "red rover", campus recitals, evangelism training, test taking, internship searching, wedding planning, poster making, random trips to DQ and steak n shake for sustinance.

...and while the pace is dizzying, God is being so faithful to me. I'm learning more than I ever thought there was to know...and for the most part, loving it. I'm drawing closer to people who are sharpening me. I'm teaching, but I'm also learning. Counceling and being counceled. Enjoying the sweet spirit of God in my friends who know him, and doing my best to spread that "irresistable grace" to those who don't. I'm becoming more concious of sin, of predjudice, and of straight up fear in my own life. And I'm being given the opportunities to address them.

and as I use the "grip" God gave me to keep my cool, I'm also basking in the knowledge that without Him I am nothing. I am dust. A clay jar. A mere mortal.

But God has chosen the weak, the useless, the sinners, the foolish, and the uber-busy. ...he has promised to take those hearts that are surrendered to him and indwell them with His power. Amen, and may I never forget!!

Advising day is over...turkey day approaches. Buckle in and hold on tight!!

Peace and blessings to you all,
Me

message from Brain type B

Our minds are curious things…ok, well, my mind is at least. There are days, even weeks at a time, that I am completely occupied by one heavy, deep, and real thing in my world and nothing else seems to stick. I take tests, hold conversations, and handle all the daily thoughts, but they are all really in “peripheral vision” compared to the central issue or grand focus. If you read my last blog, you probably can get a sense of what that looks like. I get frustrated when I am like this because I end up skipping over all the day-to-day joys and struggles in my attempt to single-handedly solve one of life’s great mysteries.
But then, there are days that my struggle against the force of humanity succumbs to the monotonous and common and I am forced, and rather relieved, to find myself solely focused on the day to day. What I tend to notice at these points is that the periphery has some pretty great things to offer. My past few days of existence have focused me on the following:
~ On Thursday, someone walked up to me in choir and handed me a huge jar full of candy corn, with a masking tape label of “934” on the top…closer inspection revealed that at some un-remembered point in the week I myself had penned “850” on a paper next to my name. I may have been 84 pieces off, but evidently that was close enough.
~ I watched Pride and Prejudice…and enjoyed some very stimulating conversations about it with the females in my family, and some very funny ones with the males.
~ The Cardinals pulled off a spectacular victory and became the new World Champions…it was one of those rewarding victories that my family rarely experiences since we always root for the underdog in every sporting event no matter what. This triumph will likely be repeated until my children are grown.
~ I had my first serious “college/rest of your life” discussion with Casey. (gulp…COLLEGE???)
~ We visited the King Tut exhibit at the field museum in Chicago, and although the mummy itself was not present, I was enthralled as never before with every piece of pottery and statuette.
~ I had my first true concerts in University Choir and discovered that I have already fallen in love with the group.
~ I caught a vicious head cold and slept for 14 hours in one afternoon and night. NyQuil is my friend.
~ Matt and I made up the best word in existence, “uber-woot”….and assigned a definition and proper usage rules.
~ I got to take a well deserved fall break and fill it with hospital work, family time, and yes, studying.
~ I ate a steak at Texas Road House…yeah buddy…

For now, I have no theological questions to ask, no mind bending issues to discover, no political or social agendas to challenge. My life is as it seems…precious, full, and fleeting. Nothing more, nothing less. And until Monday, when my mind desires once again to take on humanity, I’ll be happy to keep it that way.

Veritas Vincit ~ Truth Conquers

I’m having one of those weeks where it seems that everything that happens around me is linked. I love it when God does this…when I learn something in one place and find the lesson repeated or embellished at every step during the next few days. Unfortunately, this particular sequence has been less of a lesson and more of an exploration of the concept of truth.

The class:
My seminar on social classes is proving to be even more frustrating than I had originally thought. Its odd, I love it for the simple fact that I am surrounded by so many naturally brilliant and genuinely curious people. I am, however, often disgruntled by my encounters with my professor. Walking to class every Tuesday and Thursday, I have to fight back the feeling that I’m preparing myself for a battering. This professor is considered one of the best in the school, yet I find her very difficult to communicate with. Part of the reason is that we disagree on much. She is a very liberal democrat with strong socialist and feminist undertones…what’s more, she assumes a lot about the “obvious” political opinions of anyone who is truly educated. I feel a bit like I am back in high school with complete one sided teaching that borders on indoctrination at times. The only difference is that these are the exact opposites to all the packaged arguments I heard at DCS. I’m not frustrated by the presence of these poles, in fact, I think they are good for society, but I am frustrated by not feeling like there is a way to find the truth, which often seems to lie somewhere in limbo between them. In the midst of my willingness to respectfully take the other side of these arguments, I find myself holding back. I see flaws in her statistics, but I know perfectly well that those found in a lot of opposing documents are flawed too. Do I fight crap with crap? I don’t think so. In addition, I find that my questions and contradictions to her arguments are automatically met with a presupposition of my “platform” in the far right. This I suppose is fair, since I know I calculate her under a similar ruler.
And while much of what I am learning in this class I disagree with, my eyes are unquestionably being opened to a side of our society which I had before been sheltered to. It is, in a way, refreshing to feel like I’m finally getting the other side of the story…the benefits of welfare, the genuine problems with tax cuts, the truly repulsive waste that happens every day in our government. But these truths, combined with some questions about the wisdom of conservative policy, can prove to be hard to swallow. In fact, as much as I love the discovery of new points of view, I am noticing that the truth can be as disillusioning as it can be inspirational.

The verses:
Dad was sharing some verses with me the other day that proved very challenging to me. Take a peek at Matt. 13:24-30. It’s a parable that Jesus tells about wheat and weeds. The parable essentially explains that Christ knew full well that Christians would be surrounded by faithless, godless people…in fact, for some reason He desires us to continue to grow right along with them. In fact, he says, “if you pull out the weeds, you might pull out the wheat with them.” And while these verses clearly state that the parable is talking about people, I started wondering if it applies to ideas and intellect. I get the sense more and more as I am intellectually trained in a very dark place that God intentionally allows lies to penetrate my surrounding so that truth itself is not damaged by the removal of the lies. …this seems like such a paradox and an anti Christian thing to say, but let me explain. As I said above, I get the sense that very often the truth lies between two extremes. By themselves, these two poles are lies, but together, they may guide us to the truth. C.S. Lewis discusses this in Mere Christianity…he says that one of the devil’s best tricks is making us acutely aware of one evil and getting us to work so hard at steering clear of this evil that we end up falling into another. God calls us, rather, to be wise as serpents…making ourselves aware of the lies on both ends and finding a way to walk steadily between them. If this is true, than the removal of the extremes of arguments, of morality, and of opinion could be devastating to our discovery of truth. …for a fish to understand that the water it lives it is what keeps it alive, it must first be exposed to air…

The Play:
A good friend of mine was recently in an MU production of “The Crucible” which I went to see on Thursday night. It’s a story about the Salem witch trials, written as a political argument during the time of the Communist trials in the states in the 1950’s. Here in 2006, it was being used as an argument against the Bush policies for the questioning and detaining and mistreating of terrorist suspects during the war. Fair enough. I went in prepared to think critically about the political implications. I wasn’t prepared for the personal ones though.

The premise of this play goes far beyond the search for witches, the injustice of the judicial system, the consequences of vengeance, and the hipocricy and blindness of the church…it deals with truth on the deepest levels…truth in the hearts of every man on earth. Throughout the plot it becomes increasingly plain that the power of lies and hate are strong, and the truth is neither easy to discern nor comfortable to vocalize. It is by the “truth” of confession of sin that each of the accused is finally released from prison…but to confess is also to lie. For those courageous enough to choose truth over release, the gallows await. In the final scenes, the lead, John Proctor, who has fought and failed to convince the jury of the true witches, is given one last chance to confess in order to save his own life. He speaks to his wife in anguish, saying that he is more than willing to go the gallows but knows full well that to do so would be a falsehood in itself. “I am John Proctor,” he says, “in whom I see no good. I am as black as any, and to hang next to a saint would be to shame her. For me, to tell the truth would be a farce, for it would declare me a martyr when I am only a sinner.” He signs a confession with an anguished spirit, and then the pastor demands it, ready to nail to the church door. John refuses, saying that to place his name upon the door would be to condemn all of those who had already been killed. Finally, this rational causes him to rip the confession and be lead to his death.

This play asked the questions which I perceive to be the hardest of any that a Christian must grapple with: are there some elements to truth which vary based on the person? Does defense of the truth sometimes call for a lie? Is staying true to ones convictions more or less important than actions which may illuminate the truth for many in the end? It was ultimately a frustrating catch 22 and an extremely moving performance. If’ you ever get the chance, go see it.

The life:
Several times in the last few weeks I’ve been faced with the frustrating choice between speaking truth and showing grace. As a member of the body of Christ, I find this issue to be increasingly difficult. College is full of people from every different background and creed imaginable…and I’m not just talking unbelievers…I’m talking Christians too. One increasingly complex example is a new friendship that I am building with one of the freshman music majors here. He is a sweetheart, a talented musician, a Christian, and also a homosexual. He started coming to Intervarsity very soon after school started and has been quite faithful ever since. This is a very unique situation for our group…the chances of a gay guy walking into our circle is about 1/10,000…and I have been SO PROUD of my circle of friends who have taken roles in befriending, encouraging, and spiritually sharpening him already. Yet I am also scared. I believe that homosexuality is a sin…no worse or better than any other sin that any of us commit, but a sin none the less. I also believe that God calls Christians to exhort other believers in what the Bible says…I believe that God asks us to keep a watch out for sinful patterns in each other’s lives and call each other on them. I believe that the truth should be shared with boldness.

However, on a campus like Millikin, I am increasingly aware that if we drive this guy away he will be accepted with open arms into 49 other groups on campus. He has dealt with so much hatred and judgment from the church already…I do not want to become another example of a holier-than-thou community. And in the midst of all of this, I have become acutely aware of the major difference between him and myself: I am able to hide my sin…he cannot. I’ve been practicing this charade since I was little…learning how to effectively cover up my black heart with smiles and warmth and service and passion and worship. And the church is a whole group of people who have learned to do the same thing. If you want open and honest relationships that do not attempt to hide their insufficiencies the church is often the last place to go. We as believers have bought into the nonsense that our fellowships should be perfect, sinless, and unfaltering. It is no wonder that girls who become pregnant outside of marriage often just leave the church rather than facing the congregation. This is more than facing the shame of sin, it is facing a group of people and being the only one who “got caught” in sin. Surely this is not the type of church that we are called to…surely the grace of God is big enough that we can share it within our own congregations…surely we can find a way to speak truth without forever alienating our own brothers and sisters.

And yet, this “surely” is as vague and cloudy to me right now as anything. I cannot solve the puzzle. I keep praying that God will use this time of uncertainty to help me cleanse my own heart, and then give me courage to speak up when the time comes. I know that at some point this opportunity will come around. Please pray for strength to stand up in it.

And so, through the last 2 weeks and the longest blog imaginable, I am still unable to say that I understand the concept of truth. I do pray though that I may become they type of believer found in 2 Tim 2:15: Do your best to present yourself to God as an approved worker who has nothing to be ashamed of, handling the word of truth with precision.

May the truth, in the end, conquer all…

It's Monday!!! Hooray!!!

...never have I been so glad to have a weekend over... I felt like I turned into the guys I went to high school, cause all weekend I was saying to myself, "Don't worry, Monday is only ___ days away." It was a day that I regarded with both hope and fear, but in either case, it was the goal.

Today I had my first test. Scratch that...today I had my first three tests. Translation of this fact means that my weekend was CRAZINESS. Except for church, work, a rehersal, and Intervarsity, I was hitting the books all weekend. I don't ever remember studying so hard or long in my life. But now, finally, they are over and my writer's cramp can work itself out and hopefully the rock between my shoulder blades will move on. Praise the Lord for the stamina to make it through this first big bump...now let's just hope that the test scores reflect my work.

I have a whole day between me and the next test...so I'm gonna go run and listen to music for a really long time...then I'm gonna go home and take a nap.

I, Morgan Holmes, solemnly vow not to touch a text book for the next 3 hours.

HUZZAAH!

Class-y

For most people this time of year, the word “class” refers to the occupation that is suddenly consuming large portions of our life. But the word has taken on whole new meanings in the past week, and although going to class is becoming the rule and not the exception, the term “class” (and all of its forms: classy, classic, etc) is making the old brain turn.

It all started last week in my second class…it’s an honor’s seminar, which essentially means it’s a lot of smart kids and a smarter teacher who sit around for a semester and read and discuss a TON of material relating to a subject that has little to do with academics. This semester the course title is “Aesthetics and Ethics of the Social Class.” Fun.

So our prof sends us a list of 4 books (“go ahead and start on them early…take them on vacation even!”), we come to class and pay 25 dollars for another “packet” (which weighs the same amount as my chemistry text), and settle into the routine. We started the discussion with some pretty typical examinations of social classes in America. It’s a fact of life that surrounds us each day, but it’s a topic that is pretty taboo in our society. This is America…the melting pot…the land of opportunity…the home to great men who pull themselves up by their bootstraps and change the course of history. Classes?? HERE??? Surely not. Fake. That’s what our message of equality has become. Social injustice is all around…but greater than the injustice is the oh so clear lines that distinguish the group you “fit in.” This discussion was sad, but it wasn’t until the next class period that I really started to get heated.

We’re reading a text by Paul Fussell called, appropriately, “Class.” It’s about as frustrating as it is painfully “accurate.” The guy takes on the role of an omnipotent and omniscient social critic and begins ripping people’s lives apart. He talks about the “social markers” which place us into categories. The type of car you drive, whether or not you ever wear purple, or worse, purple suits. Whether your clothes have lettering on them. Your affinity for cats. The designs on your tie. The utensils on your kitchen counter. The number of times a month you go bowling. The places you visit on vacation. Where you stay when you visit those places. How much you talk about wealth and money. Where you go to church. What you serve on Thanksgiving. How you decorate your bathroom. What types of flowers you have on your table during special events. The types of metal furnishings you have in your living room. Think I’m kidding? Well, you’re wrong. And that’s just possessions and entertainment. There’s a whole other description of class as evidenced by what people do for occupations and the rest of “life.”

As we discussed his opinion in class, I found my mind wandering. I think what got to me in this guy’s book was not his information, but his tone. Flat. In your face. Blatant. And an absolutely impenetrable opinion. “Think that a purple shirt you have is cool?? Clearly you’re lost…and what’s worse, you WORKED to buy that thing. Heh…guess your kids are going to be middle class too, because only old money is really high class these days.” It’s not that I’m fighting for purple…not that I think that classes don’t exist…I’m just becoming aware more and more that my attitude is painfully similar to his.

I’m a social critic. I’m a judgmental person. My first impressions are pretty accurate for the most part…and while I usually get to know a lot of different types of people, I find them categorized even in my own brain. People watching is one of my favorite things to do…I love sitting back at soccer games or at the super market or in the business school and just observing the various bubbles of “reality” around me. I relish the crabby kid whining for more candy as much as the model and her hot man making their way to the fancy restaurant. WHY??? Who cares??

I like to think that when I observe I’m learning some psychology or studying the human existence. And maybe I am. But I’m also making assumptions, and dishing out praise or distain just as quickly. Even when I criticize with pity or understanding, at the end of the day I’m still sitting on my butt and figuring out where I am in “the grand scheme of society”…above or below them?? That is the question.

I got in my car and the commercials were on.
“Do you ever watch the millionaires around you and wonder how they got so lucky?? The truth is…THEY ARE NO DIFFERENT THAN YOU! The truth is that you too can become very rich by…”
switch of the dials…next station:
“Have you been longing for a super sleek new Ipod Nano?? Well now, you can have one absolutely FREE by…”
The same sing-songy voices everywhere.

It reminded me of my trip to Chicago a few weekends ago. I was feeling a bit out of my element because my friends were definitely a little richer than I was. We were “browsing” in stores that I couldn’t pronounce, me fingering clothing and trying on ridiculous belts with another buddy, them blowing a few hundred bucks in each store…buying whatever looked good and getting it without even trying it on. And when we walked back into the center of the shopping area, I saw a sign, with a mall logo on it, that said: “Water Tower Place: Defining You.” Defining you?? No, no…you can define what clothes people wear maybe, I thought, you can define the fashions, the brands, the most revered purses, the most expensive footwear. You might even be able to define people’s attitudes. But the people themselves?? Ha! See if I buy so much as a bubble gum ball while I’m here!! As we walked out, it hit me like a ton of bricks that they very fact that they can put that on a sign in a mall says something about the people that walk by. It means we believe it. It means we’ve bought in to the lie that we are what we wear or buy or yearn for. It used to be that we were what we ate. Now we are the shoes we walk on and the cell phones that we have pressed to our ears. And my reaction, I realize now, means that I have decided I am superior to that mindset. Better. Higher. More intelligent.

Great…that’s all I need. More categories. And another reason to elevate myself on the self classy-fication ladder.

You see, for every person who is loaded…who has 5 corvettes in their driveway, who attends Harvard, who jet-sets to an island every other weekend, and for the girl at Millikin carrying a different designer purse every day, I have a prideful answer. “I may not have money, but I’ve got work ethic.” “Sure, you’ve got a hot boyfriend, but I know how to be independent.” “I don’t waste hundreds of dollars a year on clothing…there are kids starving in Africa.” Fussell would call my reasoning “hopelessly middle class” because I feel that I have to prove myself to those who “have more.” I call it stupid. And arrogant. And fake. And some other words I can’t say.


It’s not about money, or purple, or bowling. It’s about they way that I long to uphold myself. And about the way that we all crave respect, admiration, and “status” for something.

Indeed, all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ.
A person is no longer a Jew or a Greek, a slave or a free person, a male or a female, because all of you are one in Christ Jesus.
And if you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham's descendants and heirs according to the promise.
Galatians 3:27-29

…sheesh…what more status do I think I need than the identity of Christ himself?? The rub?? This status requires us to put ourselves aside. To lose our lives for his sake. To humble ourselves in his sight and the sight of all men around us.

I have no clue how to do this. And something tells me that wearing purple for the rest of my days and hugging cats as often as possible won’t help. So now I have to go read the last 120 pages of Fussell’s book…and I pray that it may open another window for me, not to look on the black and white lines of social class around me, but to look at myself, and the desperately selfish mindset I have fallen into.

Hope you all are doing amazingly well…another more optimistic (and hopefully shorter) post to follow. Blessings~

Round 2:

school...yeah....I do that now

Many books, many notebooks, many syllabi

auditions over...no information yet...I live with the guy who makes the call...weird

Outreach for new students every night this week...attempting to draw freshmen into IV

Sick...already...sore throats and sneezes in August bite hard

awesome to see everyone again...spending tons of time at the Woods with buddies

it's raining outside...I love rain

I'm drinking hot tea....I love hot tea

time to go home....I love home

the comings and goings...

Greetings all…

It’s that time of year again…time for the sudden but worthwhile transition back into college life. Last year I felt like it was strange simply because my “going to college” experience involved no “going” at all. This year, there is an entirely different type of weird. I’m staying in the same place but I’m watching the coming and going simultaneously. It’s like being in two movie theaters at once…experiencing the various emotions and events with only one brain and attempting to learn how to cry and chuckle at the same time. Not that either event has been particularly sad or happy to this point…just that the settings and the events that I find myself in hour to hour belong to completely different worlds.

On one hand, I am rapidly approaching another round of bittersweet goodbyes. The week has included a night of spades, a Bible Study cook out, a round of cigars, and even a trip to Chicago, all in celebration and enjoyment of the last days before the buddies split up again. These nights have included reminiscing, catching up on the latest news, having a goofy fun time, and talking about the exciting things that are yet to come in the year. We make plans for the next break, shed a few tears over the departing freshmen, take pictures (“you’ve got to facebook ALL of these!!”), and give large hugs. It’s good fun.

On the other hand, I’m already beginning the re-welcoming of the Millikin buddies who are coming back to help with freshman orientation. These first few days will be as any re-uniting of friends will be. We give big hugs first, then throw ourselves into organizing, sorting, unpacking…then try and think of things to say. We are fully anticipating an awesome year, but we can’t seem to get past happy expressions of “I’ve missed you so much!!” or “I can’t believe we’re sophomores!!” or “so what did you do all summer??” …This I know will all wear off in a few days, but for now we settle into the comfortable but very blank “clean slate” of a new year.

I feel like the people I know are working a jigsaw around me…Jackie leaves for India, Matt comes back from band camp (Oh, excuse me, drum CORE), Annie and Aaron leave for Cedarville, Costerisans come back from vacation, Cassie leaves for Baylor, Faith and Beckie come back to MU, Most of the college buddies depart, Jackie comes home for 36 hours then leaves again, Matt and Tina leave for college, cue 2000 Millikin students. Wow!!

I’m starting to think I’ve got the best of both worlds in a way…I mean who else gets to dye their hair with friends, play awesome games, help friends pack, help friends unpack, and look repetitively into both the past and the future all in the same week??? Looking back, and remembering the despair that this week brought me only a year ago makes me chuckle a bit and then say a huge prayer of thanks. God has been so faithful…and not just to me. Each of you are a walking testimony to His enduring love and his plan for good. Everything may not be clear…but all is for a purpose…His purpose and not mine. And so as all the rushing hither and yon keeps happening I’ll sit here a while and watch contentedly…and thank Him that I’m not the one who holds the design.
For those of you who are taking off…blessings. I look forward to enjoying another clean slate with you come winter break. Know that I’ll be praying for you often. And for those of you coming “home”…get back in a hurry…there’s lots to be done!!

In His peace,
Me

five days...

Five days. That’s all. As of July 23, our complete family had been in Decatur for only five 24 hour periods since summer started. On only five nights had we all laid our heads on the pillows designated for us. And for only five days had we been a full “family.” Dad was in England for 3 weeks, I was at Summit for 2, Casey was at camp for 2, and mom and dad hit a choral convention for another weekend. It’s been such an odd summer, but a cool one too because we’ve had to learn to connect and cope with only portions of our family unit. Forinstance, last week when mom and dad were gone and Casey was at camp, TJ and I had the house to ourselves for a few days. It was interesting to get to learn some things just about him…something I don’t often get the chance to do. I watched his ball games, talked with him about his friends, played with him in the rain, and learned that he’s man enough to not only endure but suggest chick flicks every once in a while. He has such a sweet spirit and I saw it in a renewed way during our 48 hours together. Cool stuff…little bro stuff…stuff I should never forget to notice.

So, anyways…5 days…and now suddenly we’re on vacation…relaxing and soaking up the beautiful Colorado air as a family. I love it! Just being in the car together all day for the first time in as long as I can remember was WEIRD, but such a great time to re-connect and tell stories and laugh. TJ told jokes, Dad rewrote state songs as we crossed each border, Casey slept a ton, I read and observed the scenery. Mom did a little of everything…utilizing her regular “little bags.” These are a family joke…somehow she always manages to jam about 15 of them between the front seats when we head out for an excursion. There’s the snack bag, the cosmetic bag, the reading bag, the activity bag, the “I really should do it but probably won’t till I get back” bag…etc. Over the course of the trip these bags usually migrate past us kids (“dude, Cheese-its?? Cool!!”) and into the trunk. She read some Dave Barry to us on the way and kept dad awake. That night we enjoyed quality time by the pool at the hotel and consumed way too much Chinese take-out. Ahhh…vacation.

Since we’ve been here we’ve done nothing and everything…all the normal haunts but nothing seemingly significant. If any of you were ever to accompany us on a vacation, you might shake your head at our rituals and occupations here in the beautiful rocky mountains. But you’d just have to deal with it. The very roads and trees up here carry significance, memories, and adventure for our family. We hike through Tin Cup, the only town within an hour (summer population about 300) and visit the beaver dams just beyond it. We enjoy a piece of pie at the café and look through post cards in the gift shop…the same 45 prints that they’ve had since I was 6. Dad always points out the large safes, which are the only remnants of the booming mining town that tin cup once was (over 3500 people at its peak). We visit the lily-pad pond…which has varying levels of water, lilies, and cow pies each year. We find our favorite scenic spot and take approximately 15 pictures in front of the peaks, which slice the blue sky in the same pattern as always. One of our favorite days is the “Taylor Canyon Picnic” day. On this momentous occasion we travel past the reservoir and down into the river canyon about 10 miles until we come to a campground that mom and her family visited every year when she was young. This river, filled with boulders and fly fisherman is perfect for a cooler and some blankets and a relaxing day. The activities rarely change. Jump rock to rock upstream for as long as possible…fall in if necessary…find a rock big enough to sit on for a while and just reflect. Take a nap on a blanket. Look for mountain goats on the cliffs above. Select a perfect boat (stick, branch, or even tree stump) and throw it in with the rest of the family…race downstream to the appointed finish line…cheer and/or dispute the winner…repeat. Journal and read. Fish. Eat sandwiches and entirely too many Oreos. This day always promotes good conversation and brings out the “frolick” in the parents. Actually, it should be noted that there was some new activity this year…mom and I and dad crossed a felled tree on hands and knees to reach a small island in the middle…quite an adventure! Oh…and it rained during lunch this year so we ate under the protective back doors of Grandpa’s jeep and our van backed together. Quite good…quite good!!

Of course, I have not yet mentioned the fishing, which is a daily task in the streams below our cabin. Groups venture out at all hours of the day to find their prey and enjoy the game of sneaking in on calm pools, dropping a juicy worm into the rapids above, and waiting for that satisfying jerk. Great fun…nothing like it. Nor can I say that I enjoy anything quite so much as the crisp mountain air and the way that you are completely out of breath by the time you climb the hill coming home.

And while the scenery and the activities never change, we keep coming back to this place…it’s a group of people…a stunning environment…a valley of memories, which holds not just stability but something new each time we make the trek. We’ve enjoyed Grandma’s great cooking all week…pondered and reflected on life, which somehow becomes silhouetted by the powerful nature around us…and caught up on all the family news. I can hardly believe that we’ll be coming home in a day!! I think I can sympathize with Dash and say, “That was like the best vacation EVER!!! …I love our family…”

the frustrating thing about Tiggers

I had another identifying moment (actually more like an identifying chapter) in my life this week. I started a new job at an assisted living care center...covering for someone who's on vacation for a couple of weeks and pitching in as I can after that. I seriously need to write a book of short stories from the past few shifts...every moment is one that needs to be captured. For the sake of my memory (and in the hopes that perhaps someday I'll have time to do things like write well), I'd like to jot down a few. Enjoy.

Ida Mae is a sweet older woman who got completely frustrated a few days ago when she couldn't find the number 10 on her telephone. My co-worker tried to explain it to her but she did not believe that the number 10 was two numbers. I'm so glad that it wasn't in the room at the time...i had more than a brief chuckle from the incident.

Walter is the gentleman of the community...he is forever opening doors and watching for people who need a helping hand. he always has a smile and a wave, although he spends the majority of his days sitting on a couch in the commons room watching the same people pass by again and again. He is also quite an avid dancer...we had a musical group come in to play some old war tunes today and he took several of the ladies for a spin. Can you say CUTE??

The oldest member of the group is a sweet little lady, 97 years old just a few days ago. She is a 4 foot 7 ball of determination and a wonderfully precious personality. A surgery that she had a few weeks ago left her vocal chords paralyzed and reduced her to a very urgent whisperer. yesterday she had another surgery to loosen her "pipes" and when I went in today she had taken on the volume and tone of a life long smoker. ...My guess is that she'll be speaking full swing by tomorrow.

Gerry is a white-crowned lady who is a bit more independant. She has a walker but could probably benefit from a speed limit. She does three laps of our hallway every morning before and after breakfast...and whenever she reaches the end of a hall she flips her "support" around faster than you could imagine. She only seems unsure of herself when this walker is not at her side...unfortunately her memory sends me on the chase 3 or 4 times a day. :)

Another favorite pal of mine is a man named Lester...he's the closest thing I'll ever see to a living, breathing Don Knotts. His goofy smile, his gait, his tone of voice, and the little jigs he does on the way up and down the hallways (even despite his cane) keep all of us laughing and energized. How come he has more energy than me at 6 in the morning??

This job is SO different then my work at the hospital. In the place of chaos and files and doctors and interruptions are calmness and coaxing and smiles and long chats in the dining room. I have to give showers but I'm also asked to wait on tables and sit down with residents who are lonely and help the secretary if she needs it. It's less about a well oiled corporate machine and more about a team that does what needs to be done. I love the residents, love the staff, love the change in myself when I walk through the door. I've decided that I'm a tigger. ...that's weird cause I've always thought of myself as a bit of an Eyore...but after this week think not.

...I bounce...

Yeah...literally, but figuratively too. I'm energized by large groups and busy schedules. I like being needed but even if I'm not directly needed I usually try to get right in the middle of things anyway. Is that bad? I'm thinking not totally, but I have had pause to wonder in the last few days. Why is it that I'm not content to sit back and observe? That I can't stand more than a few days of "slow"...whatever that means?

I'm struck on a gargantuan level that while I thrive on the fast-paced and crazy I learn the best from the slow and thoughtful. Maybe that's why I love the mountains and the woods so much...they are the antithesis of "hectic" and yet they are anything but calm and subdued. Hmmm...

So here I am...a tigger...and suddenly I've knocked over a whole line of Poohs. ...Or rather, I've been knocked down by their willingness to keep both feet on the ground and look at the details around them. They enjoy the decorative tassels on the pillows as much as their visitors...and despite the numerous "Oh Bother" moments which plague the older generation, they are generally quietly pleasant. Is there a way to blend these two?? Am I supposed to choose one over the other? Maybe if I keep smashing into poohs I'll become some sort of hybrid. ...For now, I'm content with this experience that God's dropped in my lap...or directly under my "bouncy trouncy fun fun fun fun fun!!"

Blessings to you all...

Reeling

i'm back.


There's this weird feeling...similar to the one I felt on re-entering the country after a 6 month sojourn with my family in Europe. ...this odd sensation that everything I grew up around is strangely familiar but I see it totally differently. I remember the first time I saw a "Super Walmart" with its sprawling parking lots and bustling people. It's not that I'd never seen a building that big...but after 190 ish days in the cramped and reflective streets of England it was a shock. ...that's how I feel...like everything I see is now viewed through new eyes. It's exciting and daunting and a bit freaky.

Tonight we had our first college bible study since my return. We dove head first into some facinatingly frustrating questions that no one could answer. We got way off track but ended up hitting some very intersting convos. ...It was one of those nights where all I could do was hope that somehow God could take the mud we made and allow some pure water to come to the surface eventually. If there's one thing I learned at summit it was "doubt and questioning God are not bad...it is when we cease to struggle with Him that we are in danger."

My family and I spent the better part of today comparing notes on all the stuff we've been doing over the past three weeks. Dad loaded us up with chocolate (the good stuff...not the American crap we get here) and stories of British-isms. We got to reminice with him a bit about our time over there (I can't BELIEVE that was 5 years ago!) and he shared about his choir experience. He had some very interesting encounters, especially when it came to attempting intellectual conversations about spirituality. In light of the fire hydrant that has pushed me along these past few weeks, we had some interesting discussions and got to banter back and forth about the head knowledge and the "real world." I love my family because we have some amazing discussions when we get in the mood. I love that I have parents who care what I think and why...and I also happen to think they are some of the most wise people I know. I also showed lots of pictures of all my buddies from Summit. I've talked with someone from there every day...its nice to be in touch still, I miss them terribly.

I've been trying to slowly unpack my suitcase and my brain...attempting to slowly but surely pull everything out, assess it, and then re-process it as I can. I'm reeling the information back into myself in a slightly more organized manner...reeling while trying to re-adjust to life...reeling at the thought of all that I must dedicate myself to learning over the rest of the summer. I'm jazzed beyond belief but very tired. On that note...my bed is looking quite appealing, I believe I'll try it out. Blessings on your independance day, and love to you all.

Cedarville University
11:30 PM

Tonight I walked around after the final session to think and pray and explore a little. The grass was wet and my flip flop broke so I took off my shoes and walked in the grass. I love wet grass. I wandered down to the lake/pond here on campus. It’s been laughed at all week for its size, but tonight it truly did look idyllic. The wide, darkening sky and lights reflecting off its surface made it truly beautiful. We had a huge thunderstorm this afternoon and after the rain and the wind everything was extremely calm. I followed the grass around, aimlessly wandering and found a little bridge and fountain. It’s the part of campus clearly dedicated to aesthetics…and calling the pensive and the romantic. It’s my guess that more than one female Cedarville student has dreamt of sharing her first kiss on that bridge. For their sakes I hope it happened to.

Tonight I heard, hands down, the BEST explanation of the biggest problem students have with Christianity. “If God is so loving and so powerful, why am I sitting in the middle of evil? Why do people die, why do children get murdered, why do tsunamis take the lives of thousands?” Our speaker did not mince words…in fact, he shot down most of the cliché responses to this question and even a few responses that seem legitimate. He explained the logical and emotional reasons that people “pick a bone” with God…and he explained the reasoning that other worldviews give to the problem of evil. He pointed out that most people turn away from their belief in God because they are mad. Mad at who?? God. People understand the hurt of pain but they cannot come up with anyone to “blame” but Him. People who do bad things can be disregarded as immoral, natural disasters can be shirked as “unavoidable”, accidents can be passed off as the ultimate example of the randomness of life. But GOD…God should be able to handle all of this…and the presence of evil is truly unavoidable.

Ultimately, as the speaker pointed out tonight there is no “solution” to this problem…but there can be resolution as we begin to understand who it is that Christ has promised to be in our daily lives. I wish I had paid more attention to the verses that I read when I was little…to the ones that says that Christ doesn’t just forgive our sins but bears our sorrows (Isaiah 53). God has never promised that we would be without pain…but he has given a part of himself to feel the pain right along with us. As if the pain and blackness of our sins weren’t enough, Jesus has promised to feel everything that we do.

Ever paid attention to the shortest verse in the Bible? One of Jesus’ best friends has been sick, and even though he could have gone to help he doesn’t. The friend dies…and when Jesus finally shows up, Mary does not even try to hold back her frustration. “Jesus…if you had just come…just showed up…or even spoke the words from where you were, my brother might still be alive!!” …And Jesus, who knows full well that in 5 minutes Lazareth will be back from the dead, does not bother Mary with “it’s ok…just wait, this is gonna turn out GREAT!” Jesus doesn’t ask Mary for “more faith” or tell her “oh, this is just a growing experience.” No…he weeps with her. He takes her in his arms and feels her grief. He shows his human side, but more than that he shows us that he cannot ignore our pain. He has promised to bear it all. And after he has finished holding her, crying with her, he walks across the lawn and performs his most spectacular work yet to be seen on earth.

Our speaker also challenged us tonight that God created a world that he knew would fall not because he wanted us to go through crap but because he knew that we must have free will in order to truly love him back. God knew that a redeemed world, even one that was filled with hate and lies and pain, would ultimately be better than a world that had never fallen at all. Because let’s face it…if we were still in the garden, still perfect, and still living a life free from evil and sin, would we even take the time to realize that God was there?? But when we as his children are forgiven, comforted, and then redeemed to actually do good…then will we be able to look at our savior with love and run to him in helpless abandon. Wow. …wow….

I’ve just tried to nutshell about 1.5 hours of the 8+ hours of teaching I had today alone. And I don’t have time in this message to talk about the amazing worship sessions we’ve been having too. Or the slip-and-slide that we did today. Or the fantastic people here. Or the things God has been teaching me about being content with the person that I am no matter what I see around me.

Please pray for protection and faith to walk through the fiery darts that Satan is sending our way. It’s amazing how many kids have gotten calls in the last 48 hours about failing relatives, friends on death’s doorstep, or friends with new drug addictions. Thanks Lord for the teaching that we need…

I love you all…feel free to call me any time…I like voicemails!!
In his peace,


Me

~~ bittersweet ~~

I’m in a weird mood…not at all the type of mood I expected to be in right before I leave on my little “adventure” to Summit for the next two weeks. I kinda anticipated being totally jazzed about going…bouncing around and throwing clothes and Frisbees into a suitcase with all the loud songs and annoying movie quotes I could muster for background noise. But here I am in the middle of the afternoon sitting down to blog. I can’t remember the last time that happened. Interesting.

NOT to say that I’m not excited about Summit…I think it’s gonna be an incredible experience, although I’ve been warned that it will be like trying to drink out of a fire hydrant. I’m ready to learn and be challenged and given tools. And yeah, I’m ready to go meet some new people and see new places (although I know it’s gonna suck when I have to say “goodbye till heaven” at the end of 14 days). I’m driving out on my own, which is new and will be kind of fun. And I really am ready for a bit of an independence streak. But today was one of those days that caught me off guard…actually, this whole week did. God reminded me in a ton of ways how much He has given me here at home. It’s nice to remember those things when I get itching to “get out and do something big.”

Dad left for England on Tuesday, so the family has been sticking close these last couple of days. That has been a blast…many spades games and some movies and just chats on the living room floor. Why does it take a plane flight to London for me to get my act together and connect with people that live under the same roof as me? Hmmm… I’ve also been trying to get the house ready/lawn mowed/phone calls made around the house and have been working a fair amount.

I came home on Thursday night after the first genuinely FUN night of work I can ever remember. It was still work…I was still cleaning up after people, but I had a great night with a couple of the aides I’m working with (which included wheelchair races at one point of severe boredom) and also had some incredibly sweet patients…the kind that make you WANT to go back in and make sure there’s no linen on the floor and their water still has ice in it. Then there was the bitter part of the sweet…a lady who was fully functional only 48 hours earlier had fallen and had a stroke. She was disoriented and unresponsive verbally, but her eyes told it all. As I went in to check on her before I left, she wouldn’t stop touching me, trying so hard to tell me something…and although I was not able to hear what she was saying, her face was speaking volumes. I held her hand and got hit once again by the brevity of life…by the peace and love that she had received earlier while her daughter was in the room…by the suddenness of change. Lord may I never take one SECOND of my life for granted…

I’ve had the last two days off…got to have breakfast with Laura and Bethany, lunch with the family before I leave, and dinner (and a surprise breakfast extension) with Jackie and Andrew. Man I love all those kids. I cannot deserve such amazing friends, but I know God has placed them here specifically to teach me what I need. I feel like being with them is like communing with God himself sometimes…like sipping a little drop from the huge cup of Heaven’s glory. But as Andrew said today when we left “the time never satisfies”…and I got to thinking, isn’t that how it’s supposed to be?? Appetizers always leave us wanting more. And more there will be…

And now here I sit, with most of the clothing I own sitting in a suitcase and with my mind pondering all that I’ve heard and learned over the past couple of days. I feel like I can’t grasp it all lately. Like I can’t string everything together into one lesson. Like I’m learning by flashcards and not by a text book. I covet your prayers these next two weeks as I dive in to all of the knowledge that is about to be set before me and hope I come up with one teaspoon full to really hold on to. Pray that I will learn to listen more, to find conviction often, and to freely confess the things that are getting in the way. Pray that I can minister to the people I meet. Pray for patience. Thanks much.

Blessings on you all…give me a call if you want to especially during drive time. If you’re reading this, chances are I’m praying for you too.

Me

Time flies when...

...you're alive...

I've given up trying to pinpoint what it is that makes my life go at breakneck speeds. Sometimes it feels like that's just part of life. Oh well, enjoy what you can and hold on tight!!

So I guess summer hasn't made me any more dedicated to this blog...bummer. I just got done with my third straight 12 hour shift this week...and despite the fact that I have to be up again in 7 hours, I'm gonna do a quick post and catch up on life. NO MORE WORK FOR TWO DAYS!! :D

Let's see...I guess I'll start way back in May...the last week of it I spent up in Wiscosin at Chapter Focus Week, a training camp for Intervarsity leadership team. An 11 hour drive to the UP landed us on a beautiful camp site...surrounded by Lake Huron and smothered in cedar pines. This was an incredibly intense week that was a huge challenge and also a blast. I did a hard core study of the book of mark (ever done 6 hours of bible study every day for a week???) and met some amazing people in that class. My small group was clearly divinely put together...these people were so eager and giving...we had some amazing discussions and learned a ton. The evenings were dedicated to worship and prayer times with both the whole group and our smaller groups from each campus. Millikin's coordinators did a lot of work on specific goals and vision for the next year. We had a fantastic team and are prayerfully anticipating the start of next semester. Please pray for us if you will...this is an organization that has struggled at MU, but it is filled with some very dedicated students. Pray that we can have an effect on the people...pray that we will be bold to take on every day obstacles and not just let them slide because "that's the way it is."

I came home exhausted but very excited...only to land in the middle of graduation season. Great to see some of my buddies at all the parties...and hard to believe that only a year ago that was me! Highschool seems like a different world. I'm so excited to see where God takes all these people and how they will grow and change. Excited...and sad to see them go.

Work is in full swing now, and I'm greatly enjoying being on a mid shift and not having to pull nights anymore. I like the feeling of not being a "newbie" anymore, and generally having the respect of my co-workers. I've been making it a goal lately to change the perspective of difficult patients as I can...I make it a bit of a game...whenever someone passes on "she's impossible" or "you'll be in that room all day" I attempt to change the outlook while I'm on duty. It really is amazing how much a person's attitude will change with a little encouragement. And even when it doesn't, I find my attitude stays more likeable when I'm trying hard to change theirs.

We kicked off a summer college bible study this week, and had a great turnout for the night. I am really looking forward to the discussions we'll have...although being a leader scares me to death. I was reminded how many sharpening friends I've been blessed with as we sat around and talked that night. I hope this summer will be both helpful and encouraging to everyone in the group.

In other news (my sleep is shortening by the minute so I'll be brief):

~Zach and Tina got engaged...I get to be in the wedding and can't wait to help with all the details
~Dad's headed to England for 3 weeks next wednesday
~I discovered this past week that TJ will be in Junior High next year, is over 5 feet, and has arrived in the "girls are still weird but might be likeable" stage. WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN??
~Casey and I had a sister's day...spent way to much money and had a great time
~The first girl from our class is now officially married. Word on the street is that at least 4 more grads from our class will follow next summer if all goes as planned.
~I leave for Summit in Ohio in just over a week...can't wait
~the movie "Rumor has it" is not worth your time, so don't watch it
~ Annie and Aaron get married this weekend...got to finish that quilt!!

hope that everyone is doing well...sorry this got so long!! Hey, life is crazy but it's also summer time, so give me a jingle by golly!! Hope you are enjoying the ride,

me

When "the flip side" becomes "this side"...

Umm…ok…I’m here…

Not in the middle of finals
Not trying to pull off concerts every other day
Not struggling through hours of reading
Not writing papers like it’s my job and I’m paid a million dollars a day.

Nope…none of that…zilch, nada, goose eggs. Suddenly, wonderfully, my entire schedule has changed, my personality is totally different, I spend my time in totally different ways, and I’m focused on new people and places. I’m not bipolar. It’s just that “the flip side” has become “this side.” For months I’ve been telling people… “I’m so sorry, I’ll do better at _______ once school gets over,” “I can’t think about that until _______ is over!!” and “No one needs sleep!! Ahh…I’ll get some on at the other end of the tunnel.”

Well my friends, the end of the tunnel is here…and I can’t deny it, I’m feeling the wind and the sunshine like never before. Hooray!! Praise the Lord!! Grades aren’t all in yet, but so far so good…and honestly I can’t do anything about it now so I don’t really care.

So far my break has been good…not exactly restful, but different, which feels great. After my last final on Saturday, we attended Lauren Burrises’ wedding…that was awesome, although I was caught a little off guard when I looked over during the ceremony and Mom was taking notes in the program. Notes for what? I shouldn’t have asked…can someone please tell my mom that it’s really gonna be a while?? Perhaps I should remind her that I don’t even have a boyfriend. Haha…no, it’s great to have a mom who’s prepared. No doubt she’ll be ready at the drop of a hat. I enjoyed getting to help at the reception and seeing everyone home. Sunday afternoon we had the Yurchak clan (Gaggle? Flock? Herd?) over for lunch…it’s sad that we only get to see them once every few years, but awesome how we pick up when we get back together. Katie ended up staying for a few hours longer, and she’s AMAZING. I think we have a lot in common and I enjoyed her crazy-fun personality (yay for giving each other crash courses of our year, crazy Walmart parking lot pictures, and peanut butter cookies).

This week I’ve caught up on sleep a little, been helping around the house (something I completely failed at for the last few months), and am trying to help the Bosticks out on their move. They have a beautiful new house and I’m loving moving boxes and “stuff” to all corners of it. So, now I'm off again to another day of everything but not the same everything as before. Summer is finally here!! Love you all...

*Dust*

We had an amazing sunday school lesson yesterday that has changed my perspective on the week in front of me. So I'm gonna write this down, so that I can remember it, and perhaps someone will benefit from the reading of it as well.

We discussed the Jewish education system more in depth than I've heard for a while. In a nutshell, all the kiddos go through a "basic" education which entails memorizing the first 5 books of the Bible by the age of 7. Those who are the cream of the crop move on to another school where they memorize the rest of the books. And the best of the best of this group move on to yet another level which studies history, phillosophy, and the interpretations or "yokes"of the great rabbis of the faith. Each rabbi (themselves the extreme elite of the educated) had a known interpretation of the scriptures and fashioned their teaching and understanding from these beliefs.

So when the best of the best of the best get out of school, they have decided which rabbi they agree with the most, and they have commited themselves to the rabbi's yoke. The final step to becoming a rabbi yourself was to go before each rabbi and answer hundreds of questions and hope to finally hear the words, "Come, follow me." This phrase of acceptance gave young men the confirmation that the rabbi thought the students could learn to be exactly like them. After this point, aspiring students would often be told "may you be covered with the dust of your rabbi"...may you follow so closely, that you will literally be stained by his steps.

We went on to draw a weird connection to the story in Matthew 14 of Peter walking on the water. Our teacher pointed out that Peter, and the other 11 men in the boat, had been called by Jesus to "come follow me." Come be just like me, you can make it, you can become not just my friend but my replica. It is this faith that causes Peter to come out of the boat and walk on the water like his rabbi. So what causes him to fall?? I've always assumed that Peter doesn't have enough faith in Jesus...but our teacher suggested that Peter was lacking faith not in Christ but in himself.

Wow...think about that for a few minutes. God has called all of us just as he called his disciples. They were common tradesmen...fishermen, tent makers, doctors. Just like them, we don't have the Bible memorized, we have not made it through ranks of Jewish teaching and history, we wouldn't know a rabbi if he met us on the street. But our great teacher has called us to come close to him, to be covered with his dust, and ultimately to become just like him. What keeps us back? What blocks our way? I realized that in my own life, I rarely believe that God can't do something...I believe that I am too weak to be used. In fact, as I thought about it, I think nine times out of ten my own insufficiencies are my greatest barrier to doing God's work. Not because I can't get around them, but because I refuse to believe that God can.

"Oh you of little faith...WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF??" (Matt 14:31)

me
myself
my foolishness
my pride
my distractions
my weakness

And out of 1 Corinthians, God hit me over the head.

"Remember dear brothers and sisters that few of you were wise in the world's eyes or powerful or wealthy when God called you. Instead, God chose the things the world considers foolish to shame those who think that they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful. God chose the things despised by the world, things counted as nothing at all, and used them to bring to nothing what the world considers important. As a result, no one can ever boast in the presence of God."

And suddenly I realize that my weakness and insufficiency is PLANNED...they aren't mistakes, they are the GOAL....so that what I accomplish here on earth is unquestionably the work of God. Does God have faith in us? Absolutely not. Then why did he leave his message here and command us to spread it? Because he had faith that we could be used as his instruments. As our teacher said, "God calls the nobodies, the B-team, the not-good-enoughs, and he calls them to be his disciples and change the course of human history."

I'm shocked again after re-thinking all this...shocked and near tears and re-inspired to give the Lord another chance to do something big. May we all commit our lives to becoming a replica of our savior...to walking so close to him that people can't even distinguish us.

Blessings on you all...and may you be covered in the dust of your rabbi...

Angels singing...Alleluiah

"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." ~Jim Elliot

...it's a quote I found on her Facebook wall that speaks volumes not just to her life but to her death. Betsy Smith is with her savior. There's nothing to say at this point...no words can express the feelings.

In this tough time I pray for faith like Job to say: "The Lord gives and the Lord has taken away...BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD" Our God is awesome, but it is easy to forget in times like this. I choose to praise you Lord for reminding me that your sovereignty is so much bigger than any "control" that I feel like I posess or deserve. Forgive me for my failure recognize your authority until something like this happens.

I'm praying, praying hard...and trusting God to bring this family back together soon.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow
Praise Him all creatures here below
Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost
Amen

Alive and Kicking....

Ok...so I don't have long (try not to make that sigh of relief audible...) but I wanted to check in and let you know about my awesome weekend. Easter is so cool, and I had a great time with everyone.

Thursday afternoon I spent some time at Mrs. Pinkley's. Her husband died in October, and after the initial rush of helpful people, I think she's a bit lonely. So mom and I kept her company for a bit and then invited her to have Easter with us. She is such a dear.

We got in a great game of Frisbee Friday afternoon...ended by some rocking Uno and a nacho cheese war with Matt...hehe...never a dull moment. It was a BEAUTIFUL weekend for the most part, although we had some very brief but severe storms as well. When I came home from work Thursday night there was a huge lightning storm...no rain...just electricity lighting up the whole world in an eerie gray light. It was incredible...I sat on the deck into the wee hours of the morning marveling at the power of God as shown in creation...that is until the tornado sirens drove me indoors.

Friday night was our good friday service at riverside. This type of service, very solemn and reflective was different for this congregation...but I love a dark service to reflect on the death before the joy of ressurection morning. How can we appreciate the joy fully without first contemplating the death?? Later that evening, we experienced a new game at Walmart...my super competitive friends and I spent the better part of 2 hours running around and looking for obscure items...ask if you want the details...it was awesome fun! We enjoyed a good girls morning on Saturday at a shower for Andrea Kneezel...it was wonderfully fun. She is amazing. Sunday was good as always...great service, amazing food at Kneezels, and time to hang with my college buddies as well as several additions from Cedarville. I also got to do an egg hunt for the first time since I was in like junior high. Why did we let that tradition go?

In short...I'm still here...still alive and kicking. But more than that, I've experienced a renewal of the promise for EVERLASTING life. That's a term I've grown up with...one that I have memorized, quoted, and glued to my forehead since I was a kid. And sure enough...I've lost it's meaning somewhere in the mix. That's why I love Easter so much. It's a powerful reminder of the most basic principles of our faith...it's a joy fest, the most tangible expression of perfect love, and a chance to praise God for his victory over sin and death.

Christ the Lord is Risen Today, Alleluiah

Sons of men and angels say "Alleluiah"

Raise your joys and triumphs high, Alleluiah

Sing ye heavens and earth reply, Alleluiah

Lives again our glorious king, alleluiah

Where oh death is now thy sting? Alleluiah!

Once he died our souls to save Alleluiah

Where's thy victory oh grave? Alleluiah!

Soar we now where christ has lead, Alleluiah

Following our exaulted head, Alleluiah

Made like Him, like Him we rise Alleluiah

Ours the cross, the grave, the skies, alleluiah!!!

Today campus is alive with spring energy, the trees are flowering white and purple, and the whole place is covered with lush green grass. A little reflection, a lasting reminder of the blessing and gift of life!! I'm off to class...have a good one...

head in the clouds...(and I don't mean ditzy)

Hi all,

Holy cow, it's April, it's Friday, it's sunny, Easter is a week away, and I've got nothing to do for an hour...sounds like a great time to post!

Coming back from spring break has been hard but good...I can hardly believe how fast time is starting to fly. It has been so easy to be apathetic recently, with beautiful weather coming and fun stuff happening on campus. But I must focus!! So much stuff staring me in the face to do in the next five weeks. Two big research papers are underway, and I'm slowly climbing through source after source hoping that I'll come up with some good arguments. We present for our main research project to a board and group of students on April 28th...aka...I'd better get a good idea of what this thing is really gonna read like ASAP. Our Bio lab is picking up again...papers are done but now we're ready to memorize a huge number of bones and muscles...good stuff...applicable stuff...now I just have to convince my brain cells to keep absorbing for a little while longer! I'm also really enjoying my vocal jazz group...we've got a concert coming up and we're starting to make good sounds. I have learned so much from the experience and love the girls I'm singing with too!

We've had some nasty weather around here lately, which is good because I love thunderstorms but bad because tornados are not helpful people around here...there's been storms all over the country so keep those people in your prayers. We take the "little things" like a roof and cars with no dents for granted.

Ryan and Heather Jackson are now officially in a new house...I'm so excited for them. We have put in a lot of work re-painting and getting everything moved. Soon the re-modeling will be finished and hopefully some of the chaos will subside. I'm also hoping that then they will get to rest for a while...they work so hard to keep us all motivated and encouraged.

Let's see...what else? Oh...Intervarsity hosted a great outreach night the other night called "Stump the Chump." It was basically a chance for a non-threatening discussion environment. We inivted kids to drop questions about christianity in a box all week long, and then come for food and a discussion. Our two insanely smart "chumps" (one is a history buff, the other working on his doctorate in astrophysics) fielded questions about everything from predestination to grace versus justice. We had about 15 kids there that I had never seen before, many of whom I think were challenged a little by what was said. I continute to pray that God will take the seeds sown and cause them to grow. I also pray that we, his instruments, would be effective in reflecting a positive image of Christ on campus. Last night, one of the girls who I met at Stump the Chump showed up for prayer. I have no clue where she stands spiritually, but when we paired off I went over to pray with her and get to know her a little better. Turns out that a good friend of hers from high school had been killed in a car wreck this week. She openly shared her heart...the pain that no one can understand, the fact that the even rocked her world even though she didn't know the girl super well, the inspirational figure that this girl and her family had been. It was an awesome time of sharing, and I hope that she found even a little comfort within our group. I hope that she comes back. Please pray for her...I think God may have brought her across our path at a critical moment. Lord use me....

I found a quote about prayer that I thought was pretty good. The author is heading up a prayer team for the release of "The DaVinci Code" this summer (by the way, another great discussion starter...) I thought his words were pretty good...

"Prayer always works. (It probably won’t surprise you to discover that the head of a prayer ministry believes that.) Of course, a skeptic would reasonably counter my claim – planes crash, patients die, ill-prepared students still flunk. And while it’s hard to prove the effects of prayer on others, there’s one person on whom prayer always works…the person doing the praying. Prayer gets us in the right frame of mind. It puts things in perspective. Most importantly, it takes our struggles and doubts and worries out of our frustrated, feeble hands, and puts them in their proper place – in God’s tender, resilient and purposeful hands."

I'm really excited because I get to be on the IV leadership team next semester. A whole bunch of people from our chapter are going up to Wisconsin right after school gets out for a week of training camp with some other IV teams. I'm getting really excited about this and praying that what I experience up there will both equip me to serve here and draw the people in our group closer to each other. We are going to need all the three, four, and 15 cord strands we can get!

Still working at the hospital occasionally, still singing in church and school choir, still loving being close to my family (yeah, it gets frustrating at times, but much more often its so great to be in on their daily lives). Easter (my favorite holiday of all time) is only 8 days away...praise the Lord!!

The heavens declare you are God
And the Mountains rejoice
The oceans cry halleluiah
As we workship you Lord!!!

Beware the Ides of March~

I still don't know what an Ide is, but I thought you should be warned...

Greetings and salutations all,

I'm 3 days away from spring break and holding out quite well actually (we'll see how I feel about it after my tests on Friday). I had a bunch of papers due this week originally, but they got postponed. This means that I'll be writing papers all break, but at least I'm breathing normally this week. Good enough....

I spent a lot of last week hanging out with people who were home on spring break...Jacks and Andrew were back in town...it's always great to let that trio re-unite and hash things out thouroughly. We had a great talk about everything from churches to the love lives of all the people we know. Great talk, good coffee, amazing friends...what more could I ask for?

Friday night I had a clash of my worlds...had a ton of people over for ice cream and fun...some MU people, some high school buddies, even a few church friends....it was kinda fun to introduce them to each other and then make them have fun. :) No, actually we had a blast...even when the basement flooded and put about 7 of us in our bare feet mopping up water and moving furniture. Fun times.

Sat. AM the Costerisans made a waffle breakfast for a bunch of the college kids...that was a great time of relaxation. Some of the MU girls sang in church on Sunday too...that's something I'd definitely like to do again, we had a blast. After church some of us went to stuff ourselves with Chinese food at Sakura. Believe it or not, squid is not too bad. We also had a massive spit wad war. I saw a quote this week that said, "you can only be young once, but immaturity lasts for a lifetime" ...hehe

Monday was my 19th birthday...crazy to think I could possibly be that old!! I had lunch with the girl who sits next to me in choir since we are birthday twins. Got a lot of cool stuff (including a frisbee, clothes, a CD, and a cigar...) and had mom's amazing peanut butter ice cream pie. Who needs a cake? I thought my birthday was done but at 11:15 my doorbell rang and my friends from IV were there and ready to kidnap me. They whisked me away to steak N shake, despite the fact that I was in my PJ's. They had compiled a binder of embarassing photos, birthday quotes, things people had said about me, etc. They also made me cards and etc...it was so sweet! Thanks guys!

Last night I went to a Ben Folds concert here at MU...that was pretty amazing. He is a GREAT musician...so talented, but unpolished and fun and relaxed. His lyrics are interesting, his style is so broad, and his voice is great. But man, I had trouble getting past his language and the way he flippantly used the name of Christ. One of his songs must have been submitted in a competition to see how many cuss words would fit in one song. Unfortunately that's the song he had the audience sing along to. As my classmates and hundreds of others lifted their voices I was greatly saddened. So I'm thankful for the musical element but reminded once again of how easily the devil takes the good in this life (like music) and twists it all around. hmmm....

My birthday got an unexpected extension today when I got to have breakfast with Laura Cos...always a treat and a half dearest! Anyhoo, much fun and celebration...now back to real life and tests and papers! That's all for now, gonna head out and hit those books.

Blessings on you all...keep on keeping on, and keep an eye out for those Ides...

seeking...

you are the potter, I am the clay
mold me and make me...this is what I pray

Change my heart oh God
Make it ever true...
Change my heart oh God
may I be like you


"Then you will call to me, and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart"
Jeremiah 29:12-13

Psssst........hey!!....over here!

we've got to whisper for a while...cause you know as well as I do that it's perfectly illegal to do anything for yourself while you're in college...sorry it's taken us so long to rendevous...this college thing is sucking me in like so many dust bunnies in a vacuume cleaner...

I considered about appologizing ahead of time for the length that is about to insue, but while reading a journal entry of Andrew Peterson's the other day (which itself was quite lengthy), I realized that that is not needed. Read if you want...don't if you've got something better to do, but in the meantime I'm going to try to document the highs and lows of my last few weeks.

School is school...going fine but very time consuming. I just made it through my first round of tests which feels good...but midterms are also aproaching with scary movie music begining to sound in the distance. Our bio labs have been FACINATING of recent weeks...we're studying basically every phylum in the universe...and memorizing them all for my test thursday Lord willing...it has been great to finally learn to use microscopes and get a handle on such a large knowledge base.

I've been getting really involved with some of the IV kids recently...going to prayer in the evenings almost every night ( a great time of reflection on the day and supporting each other), going to large group meetings when I can, and attending training sessions for next year's leadership team, which I hope to be a part of. This has been really good for me...a great chance for being challenged and staying accountable.

This past weekend was vocal jazz fest at MU, when a bunch of high school jazz groups came to perform and spent a half hour with a clinician for some tips. I helped chaperone a group around for a while and then my jazz group sang at the end of the day. It was fun...and a great experience for our young group of singers. May I say that kirkland stage feels huge when there are only 9 of you and the microphones up there...

Had some of my music buddies over to the house the other night for games and a movie...that was a blast. I think it scared a few of them to knock on the door and have "DR HOLMES" answer. :) hehe...it really does crack me up some times to be the daughter of my dad...I hope he doesn't mind having his students in his refrigerator one minute and in his class the next.

Speaking of music, next Saturday we'll be performing a major work...a requiem by Verdi with full orchestra and soloists from Chicago. Composers for hundreds of years have been using the same texts to set their works to...a requiem is just a specific set of latin texts which many different composers set their own music to. Most of the work is spent singing about "Dies Irae"...the day of judgement. The requiem was typically a funeral mass, and in some lights you could see this concert as and hour and 15 min of singing about hell fire and brimstone in Latin...but if you could hear these choirs...the HUGE sound, the orchestra, and the pleading texts "Deliver me, O Lord, from eternal death, on that fearful day when the heavens are moved and the earth when thou shalt come to judge the world through fire. Rest eternal grant your children, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine on them. Lord have mercy...Christ have mercy" ...wow...I get shivers just thinking about it. So while this concert means four extra rehersals this week, I'm very excited about it...

I've been reading through the gospels in the last couple of weeks...trying to get through them before easter as a precursor. I haven't ever just sat down and read these books as a whole so I'm really excited about it. A few days ago I finished the sermon on the mount in Matthew. Took me a while to look at it all slowly and carefully...some facinating lessons there. I'm amazed over and over about how Christ takes the state of the religious people there and attempts to show them how much they have missed the heart of the matter. "You have heard it said that you should not murder, but I tell you that he that is angry with his brother is guilty of the same sin." "You have heard it said 'and eye for and eye' but I tell you do not resist the evil person...when your enemy strikes you, turn the other cheek" "You have heard that you should not commit adultery with another man's wife, but I tell you that he who even looks at a woman (or man) lustfully has already committed lust in his heart." Why is it that I get so tied up on the rules...the things I have to do in order to "pass the test" and totally miss the motives of my own heart? It's a challenge that I can't overlook and one that I know will be a life long struggle. Somehow I pray that I can learn to live a life of freedom by the spirit and yet use that freedom to surrender myself...my whole self...

Ok wow...so I have class in 3 minutes and I really have to run. If you're reading this, thanks for listening...if not...that's Ok too...

Blessings on your new week....

Yeah...it had better be Friday...

Hi all,

It's been a while and I'm amazed at how fast time is starting to fly. Perhaps because of the heavy class load, perhaps because of the crazy happenings in the rest of life it feels like I'm spinning more plates than ever before. It's a good feeling too though...it's gonna be spring break before we know it!

I just got home from a fun part-ay with some of my IV buddies...we watched a countdown of the top 100 teen stars of the 80's and 90's...it was pretty good times. Then we chowed down on pizza during "Anchorman" and "Drop dead gorgeous"...I can't probably recommend either of them...but I sure laughed a lot tonight.

Tomorrow a bunch of the same kids are going up to Champaign for a concert by the acapella group "the Extention Chords"...I hope to go with them and so get in my party quotient for the weekend.

This week in school I learned how to create a powerpoint presentation (it's not done yet but the fact that I haven't blown anything up with the technology so far is re-assuring) and in my Visual Rhetoric (the persuasion of visual images) class we are learning some awesome stuff about how images, colors, and even shapes shape how we think. It's facinating and scary at the same time. We'll be doing a research project in this class, which is a bit daunting...but we'll take it as it comes.

Bio is overwhelming at best, but I am being exposed to an amazing amount of knowledge and our labs are really cool. well...I think so. ...I'm pretty sure that I really grossed my dad out when I told him about the fungus growth that we are observing on horse dung. hehe...I've decided that it is a biology major's fate to take whatever the world thinks is disgusting or "untouchable" and stick it under a microscope for a closer look. But hey, I can definitely see the connection between a cure for cancer and cutting apart a flatworm to see if it will regenerate a head...yeah...no problem...

I'm amazed ever day at how much God has provided great friends for me here. Somehow I am meeting scads of them all the sudden, and I think it's because I've finally realized that I need to be in the music building more often. I am having some great times with the girls in my choir and jazz group, the freshman boys in an acapella group called "remedy," and the kids in my dad's choir who keep me updated on his sanity. There is a warmth and closeness around people who make music together...I'm eating it up. While in the science building Mary and I are sticking close but also finally meeting some fun study buddies if nothing else.

In many ways, this past week has been one of the toughest I remember in a long time...and yet God has been faithful...I only wish that I could be faithful in return. I ache to show these kids a love that is far bigger than me or any of us...yet I balk in the face of the unknown and the seemingly self-sufficient people I meet.

I've been yearning for Friday for a good week now...and suddenly it's Saturday. Crap. That means study day...ok...time for bed!! :)

Blessing and sweet dreams~

"He will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the lord is the Rock eternal."
~Isaiah 26:3-4

me of little faith...

What will be left when I’ve drawn my last breath,

besides the folks I’ve met and the folks who know me?

Will I discover a soul saving love or just the dirt above and below me?

I’m a doubting Thomas, I took a promise, but I do not feel safe.

Oh me of little faith.

Sometimes I pray for a slap in the face,

then I beg to be spared cause I’m a coward.

If there's a master of death, I bet he's holding his breath

as I show the blind and tell the deaf about his power.

I'm a doubting Thomas...I can't keep my promises, cause I don't know what's safe...

Oh me of little faith.

Can I be used to help others find truth when I’m scared I’ll find proof that it’s a lie?

Can I be lead down a trail dropping breadcrumbs that prove I’m not ready to die?

Please give me time to decipher the signs,

please forgive me for time that I've wasted.

I'm a doubting Thomas, I take your promises though I know nothing's "safe."

Oh me of little faith.

Nickel Creek

"In this you gratly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire,--may be proven genuine and may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen Him, you love Him; and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith...the salvation of your souls"

1 Peter 1:6-9

Birthday bashes, potlucks, wimps, and construction...

Well well well, lookie here...it's almost February! What?? February?

Indeed the days seem to fly right now. It's midnight and I have 3 other things I should be doing right now...but I had a few random events I wanted to chronicle before I get into the Word and then hit the hay. I know if I don't write them down now, they will slip through my fingers like so many poppyseeds...

Let's see...events recently include a surprise 50th birthday party for my dad, a not surprise 16th birthday party for Casey (license to follow in about 4 weeks...), work, school, a church potluck (and a hillarious convo involving boogered meat and spoons...), and an afternoon with my friend Cristina from Millikin. She is an absolute sweetie...I hope you all get to meet her some day. We frequented Culver's and had some very uplifting conversation...I anticipate a lasting and meaningful friendship with her!

School is in full swing and after just a week and a half I must admit I'm a little overwhelmed. Yet I love my classes, and I'm facinated with all that I'm finding there is to learn. I secretly laughed when my critter teacher told us the other day that "the more you know, the more you know"...but as I've pondered that phrase I've begun to wonder about what does happen when you know more. I got so curious that I wasted about 45 min the other day looking it up...here's some that I found:

"the more you know, the less you understand"
"the more you know, the more you sell"
"the more you know, the more you see, the more you percieve"
"the more you know, the more you know there's more to know"
"the more you know, the more options you have"
"the more you know, the harder it will be to make decisive choices"

...I could go on, but you get the point...and I'll let you decide which one is the most true or applicable. There's a point where I think all of us wonder, "where is this going?"...and yet I have been very convicted of late that God's purposes are not held outside of academia, though my friend Millikin would love for me to believe that. The God of all who fasioned our human minds in a way that we still don't comprehend surely wants us to put them to good use. There's something quickening and exciting about that truth...about the possiblity that all of this "know" could cause us to do some growing...and, Lord willing, some "doing" too.

Speaking of doing, I saw the movie "End of the Spear" twice this weekend...once with Cristina and again with my family and the Costerisans. As we walked out of the theater, my friend turned to me and said, "man, I feel like a wimp..." ...ditto...

If you haven't heard about it, it's the true story of the group of missionaries who were speared to death preaching to the native people of Equador. Jim Elliot, one of the 5 men killed, has had his story told often, but this movie was told from the perspective of the son of another missionary. His story is one of incredible courage, intense pain, and the battle for forgiveness and sacrifice in his own adult life. Although the message of the gospel is not as blatant as I would have liked, for those of us who know Christ's calling to "Preach the word," the challenge is as clear as it is frightening and breathtaking. I won't talk any more about it, but if you haven't seen it, I would give it a shot.

God has been doing some pretty tough chiseling on my heart in recent weeks...if you think of it, please pray for me. I guess you'd say I'm going through a little bit of a personal construction project...one whose end is not in sight but whose improvements I hope to see soon. Its funny how I never notice how big of a problem I have until I start trying to change it...thanks Lord for speaking clearly.

Well, tomorrow I have classes and/or babysitting from 8am to 9:30 pm straight...so it's really time I hit the hay...may he continue to bless you as you give your hearts to him...goodnight