The Story

Saturday morning…11:15am…still in bed.

My brain keeps screaming at me that it’s time to go be productive…must study for the GRE and get more vocab words under my belt…must head to the lab and shock some millipedes before lunch…must write thank you notes, plan out the rest of my catch up dates with friends, do laundry, clean my room.

But I’m not going to. I’ve been racing all week and my spring break has felt a lot like a “spring busy” thus far. Different kinds of busy, but busy none the less. It’s time for a contemplation morning.

I slept in and then started looking at photo albums from senior year…taking a little jaunt back through prom, senior trip, and graduation. It’s starting to feel like very long ago indeed that the drama and decisions of that era were occupying my brain, and yet most days in my head I’m still no older than 17. Interesting how our bodies and lives continue to change despite the fact that we still feel inexperienced and unready to face what is ahead. Perhaps for me it is because I seem to spend an amazing amount of time learning the same lessons over and over again. Se la vi.

Fernando Ortega accompanies my brain power this morning with his fabulous hymns CD…one that will be a lifetime favorite methinks. Something about the construction and delivery of a timeless hymn can teach me so much about my faith…whether because they are handed down from saints generations ago or because the words carry so much meat or because the simplicities of their melodies and the depth of their harmonies allow the church to bind together across a vast span of persons. I remember teasing Andrew back in high school for his resolution to read the hymnal like a devotional each day…and then the shock that I experienced when I tried it for myself one day. There are some golden nuggets of truth in both theology and life experience hidden in those pages.

This week has been a good one despite it’s crazy schedule…midterms were quite hardcore and though I think they ended out pretty well I had a lot of catching up to do on sleep and was landed with a nasty cold this past weekend. Matt came home to help celebrate my birthday with roomies, family, and friends….21 is an impossible age for me to be at…thus far I’ve chosen mostly to ignore the fact that I’m well on my way to being an adult. However, my friends and I did go out to celebrate with a little alcohol and some movies and food. I’m privileged to have friends who want nothing more than tons of fun and the bond of friends who will be there whether you’re grouchy and tired or in perfect form. Good times.

Friday morning we said goodbye to Faith, who spent the week in Alabama with her parents and grandparents…she asked me to accompany her a while back, and while I would have loved to do so, I quickly realized that I had a larger priority, one that did not include beaches or carefree days.

The millipede project I’m working on is an effort to see how much millipedes (and their small brains and simple neural ganglion) are capable of learning. There is a new push in the scientific area to build some “invertebrate models” about learning and general brain capabilities of animals at very low forms. The thinking is that the more we know about what can be done with small structures in the brain, the greater chance we will have of understanding the physiological process of memory and learning. It’s incredibly complicated and fascinating…so I can use this logic to transform the boring work into something a bit more heroic sounding…

…or at least I can try…

Despite my best efforts to feel like I’m accomplishing something for the greater scientific good, it’s hard to keep this attitude when I spend my days lifting millipedes in and out of a foam box, giving them pep talks when they won’t move one direction or the other and shocking them when they will. SOME people (I won’t mention any names) seem to see this as cruel and heartless. Apparently my project seems to hint at many distasteful past acts similar to the holocaust and, in the midst of this appaling injustice, is also pointless and unnecessary. So while I hold high the banner of scientific inquiry and ward off these jabs at the project which will dominate the next 5-8 months of my life, I continue to think of myself as an educator of sorts…benevolently imparting wisdom both to my fellow scientists and to the small, helpless creatures who are my subjects in training.

I have 20 millipedes each in two test groups…and I have found that due to the slow movement of many many legs, it takes about 1.5 hours per millipede to perform the 15 consecutive trials. All told, I am basically working a full time job or more without being paid…but at least I am getting to do this all without the hustle and bustle of classes to block the progress.

Midterms are a thing of the past now, but studying has not ceased…my Kaplan study guides for the GRE came in just in time for spring break so I’ve been brushing up on verbal skills especially this week. Somehow I had myself convinced that this test would be so similar to the SAT that I’d hardly need to study….but quick review of the reading comprehension and vocab sections of the test have informed me that I very well will have to do some hard core study sessions before I take the test (hopefully in June). I am getting excited, and a little weirded out, however, by the coming of the next step, and by the prospect of preparing applications (and hopefully interviews) for REAL school…which will finally propel me into real life.

And then there is a large part of me that reminds me how dumb I am not to consider my life right at this very moment “real”…how the way I live through classes and midterms and millipedes and sisters moving to college really does determine what my “real life” looks like far more than the school that I attend in two years and whether or not I ever get married and if I’m the best PA in town. Today is the day that I have been given to live…and I’d better get to it now rather than waiting, worrying, or wishing about the future.

It’s Easter again, and though it is supposed to snow tomorrow morning I’m extremely excited about the service, the friends, and the food that will fill our day. Yesterday was our good Friday service at church and I was so captured again by the depth of the story of God’s intervention in our lives. It’s not just Christ, not just creation, not just the paradoxes seen in the bible, not just the mystery of the spirit, not just the awesome power of the miracles and the resurrection, not just the prophets who predicted the savior’s coming, not just the way Jesus relates most closely to the hurt and the broken. It is the depth, the angles, and somehow the simplicity of the story of redemption…the plan of man to create, purchase, and return all men to himself again for his glory…an honor so huge and so complex and so overarching that we could never comprehend it in our human form. It’s the workings of love, grace, truth, beauty, humility, pain, suffering, death, life, bondage, freedom, and victory all meshing together in a tapestry that fills to many dimensions of space to count.

As much as I love my dad’s genius for music and sound, I think my favorite part of watching him do a church service or a choir concert is his total fascination with the Story. Without ever verbalizing it, he has taught me that this is one of the most central places where we can see our faith become real, true, and meaningful. He’s obsessed. I’ve learned so much from him about the way that God works, not because he understands it all, but because he doesn’t. Yet he returns to the same story every year, multiple times, with narration and drama and words and song…trying to flesh out one specific part of the story…once facet….one dimension. For 35 years he's been designing church services and choir concerts around the same exact plot. He always jokes with the choir at vespers time because he finds himself preaching little sermons on the podium, then laughing to himself and saying “I guess you know this…it’s the same story every year.” And yet he returns to it. We all do. Because it doesn’t run dry if we keep telling it.

The Story doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t “work out” like a fairy tale or a fable. It’s a story of desperate love, ravaging anger, a creation gone bad, a pursuit that is relentless, a fight against the final enemy of every man on earth: not a person but death itself.

The Story isn’t linear. It doesn’t work chronologically, and while God has revealed the “ending” we still don’t know or grasp many parts of the “middle”, let alone the ending.

The Story is timeless…it includes us and other men that haven’t even lived yet…and somehow it is complete but still being written. And the story goes on in our own lives, but in a bigger sense it is carried out through the universe, breaking through barriers of time, space, and intellect.

The Story is chaotic. It doesn’t flow well and it certainly isn’t the most efficient way to an end. The characters get messy and stay messy…they don’t find the secret formula that lets them live a perfect life toward the end. They kill people and have affairs and are still called “men after God’s own heart”, or they do everything right and live seemingly perfect lives and yet get torn apart by Jesus himself.

The Story seems contradictory. Especially when it comes to Jesus, there’s enough paradoxes between words and deeds to make your head spin. He says that he has come to fulfill Moses’s law, the ten commandments –things like “don’t commit adultery” and “don’t steal”. But he comes to the house of a filthy tax collector and he hangs out with prostitutes and lets them touch him and cry with him.

The Story is told in words but can’t be summarized by them. As much as you want to say that the story can be put into 4 bullet points, and that we can comprehend salvation in a quick 3 paragraph essay (knowledge of the savior, accepting the savior, forgiven by the savior), sometimes the best way to understand the story is not to explain it at all. When you start to summarize and categorize and prioritize, the situation looks confusing and the plot loses its interest and you start to think whoever wrote this thing must be completely crazy.

The Story is mysterious. As much as we’d love to be able to summarize the story and hand it to everyone we know so that the world could know God, on some level the story must be accepted and experienced and lived before it can begin to be appreciated. And the truth is that once we start trying too hard to understand it’s intricacies we loose all sense of its mystery and somehow feel no need to live it any more. When it becomes a text book or a HOW TO: list or a set of rules or even a novel with simple rising action, climax, and resolution, we lose hold of the heart of the story and all we leave with are words. The potency of the gospel is lost as soon as we make it a formula (read Donald Miller for more on this…he’s got me thinking like crazy these last few weeks).

The Story is personal. I’m struck more and more by this as I get older and realize that all the big words we learned in Sunday school and memorized in AWANA really do apply. Words like GRACE and REDEMPTION aren’t just put there to summarize…they are essential to the process of salvation and to the way that we understand our relationship to God. The ginormous proportions of the Story don’t keep it from being applicable to our lives, even our individual days. This truth is truly astounding.

Those thoughts only touch the brink of the depth of the story…and I’m truly grateful for another Easter to immerse myself a bit more in its complex simplicity. May we all take the time to live the story this holiday, and to revel like children in the marvel of the best story ever heard.

prayers please

It's that time of year again...almost spring break (amazingly) and so many details to attend to it makes my head spin. I'd appreciate prayers for the following if you think of it:

1) Neurobiology midterm...my grade on the first test was not so hot...actually icy cold...so I'm feeling a lot of pressure to do well. It's moderately humorous how as I study the details of the brain and nervous system mine seem to be shutting down and oozing out my ears. ...moderately humorous....

2) AIDS week details...for those of you who haven't heard, our IV chapter is doing a huge social justice week focused on AIDS which will incorporate education, fund raising, and evangelism. I'm president/staff worker for IV this semester so much of the weight of the project rests on my shoulders. The event is 2 weeks away if you knock out spring break...so I'm starting to get scared that all the details will pass me by. Pray for enough sanity to remember everything and enough faith to keep trusting that God will take our service and make it something worthwhile.

3) Research project....I'm nailing down details (and ordering millipedes) for my independent research project this week...I'll do the first phase of testing over spring break if all goes well. I'm praying that it will all run smoothly so that my next semester at Millikin isn't too bottlenecked. It seems silly to be this worked up about shocking millipedes...but my advisers already want to publish my work, so it needs to be of considerable quality. Again...attention to details on a fried brain is absolutely necessary.

the next 72 hours should be a whirlwind...two tests on thursday should put me over the biggest of the "humps" for this week. until then, prayers please...

baby days

There seems to be a wonderful overflow of new little ones the past 3 days...first Zach and Tina delivered little Esther Ann....then my cousins delivered Noah Taylor. Praise the Lord for two healthy deliveries and quickly recovering mommies...

Hard to believe that people I spent most of high school with suddenly have a child. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly life can change and how in the "blink of an eye" our priorities and careers and goals and dreams can shift.

Funny how these little people, represented as just a "bump" on momma's belly for so many months, so quickly reveal themselves to be whole people, albeit rasin-like and very tiny. I'll never forget the delivery that I got to watch while shadowing Dennis a few summers ago. After watching just the tail end of the labor procedure I finally saw the tiny head, watched the mother strain, the daddy look a bit faint and grip her hand and look into her eyes more deeply. I saw the nurses check the monitors once more waiting for the final contractions and the biggest "Push!!". And suddenly there before us all was a crying writhing human being, blinking back the light and flailing in the air and not all to pleased to be out of the warmth of the womb. Though I did not no this woman or her family at all, I found my eyes dumping rapid tears along with the rest of the family. This is truly one of the great miracles of life.

Prayers head to both new families as the process of growth continues and the personality, soul, and mind of the young ones are slowly revealed. Hallelujah for God's new creation...and the new life that inspires, challenges, and brings so much joy.

....as a dog....

Sick. Bleh. Sick sick. sick as a dog.

It started with flu on Wednesday evening...my family had been passing it around so it's not all that surprising. I was on the couch with a fever and aches until Saturday morning...and felt great until about Saturday evening, when a headache came on and left sinus pressure, sore throat, and (somehow) fever again in it's wake.

I'm told that really the immune system is only as strong as your mind tells it that it is...thus the best way to stay well is to decide that you, simply, DON'T get sick.

apparently my mind over matter skills suck.

However obnoxious it is to be battling the germs again, it couldn't have happened at a better time. I fell sick just after Matt left on Wednesday morning and since I was spending Thursday-Saturday at home (mom and dad were out of town so the siblings hung out) I got to spend the sick days on the couch along with my sister who was in similar shape. We watched a lot of TV but also got quite a bit of talking about college life and such in. Good times.

I'm still in reflection of the fabulous weekend I had a week ago (already?). My trip to DeKalb was another instance of "perfect timing"...After a week of slamming books and taking multiple tests, I was able to shed my coat of constant stress, completely ignore school for a few days, and enjoy the freedom of a road trip, the joy of seeing Matt after a month's absence, and the unpredictable fun of living in someone else's life for a weekend. Met lots of friends, played lots of video games and cards, went to his church, and praised God on many occasions for the protection that he and his friends had during the shootings on Thursday evening. The tone of the campus was very solemn though not defeated, and it was wonderful to be at his church that sunday morning, where many plans were already in motion for the formation of care packages for administration, police, and fire departments. They were also undertaking a grief councelling training class for the church body, so that upon arrival of the students today they could be involved in some hands on healing ministries. Good to see the body of Christ working so quickly and broadly to help. In a more lighthearted turn of events, Matt was able to come home for a few days because their classes were canceled for the remainder of the week. This meant that we got to spend a bit more time together between my classes on Monday and Tuesday.

This weekend Mom and Dad got to get away to Michigan and hobnob with the "choir gurus" (sp??). It is the first time my dad has gotten to be away and relax in quite a good while and he looked quite refreshed on coming home. For those of you who hadn't heard, Dad has spent the last several months considering a job change to Baylor university in Texas...after several rounds of interviews, they offered him the position which threw our family in to a tailspin as far as discerning the will of God. After much praying and discussing with Millikin folks, Dad made the decision to stay put, seeing some new windows in the MU program and potential growth in some related events to be appealing and right for now. We're praising God for the clarity he gave us and the way we learned to trust Him through the brush with potential changes. It's funny how we often forget how stubborn we are until we are asked to surrender something we consider immovable. A great reminder...and an interesting process to go through as a family.

All told, we feel quite relieved not to be house hunting and packing up in the next few months...and yet we see quite a few changes on the horizon regardless. Life is like that...and I'm glad. It'd be boring otherwise.

Well, I've a proposal to write and some GRE prep vocabulary to study. ...as well as final work on my newest undertaking, my millipede research experiment, which will take place over spring break. No, I'm not going to the beach with Faith as invited...you can find me holed up with lots of legs and some electrical shocking plates. Exciting. Oh well, it will be good to get it out of the way without the regular stresses of school.

Challenged this morning about my dependency on God's word this morning with a familiar passage:

"For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God. Everything is naked and exposed before his eyes, and he is the one to whom we are accountable. So then, since we have a great High Priest who has entered heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe. This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us in our time of need."
Hebrews 5: 12-16

May we be exposed by His word and transformed by His spirit, and may we accept His grace with a heat postured in complete vulnerability to Him.

Blessings...

friday at last

Friday afternoon...my lightest day by far in the week....and finally some time on the horizon. Well...a bit... :)

Just got back from a long work out at the DISC to Brad Paisley and Mae...my routine workout buddies...wonderfully rigourous workout, which will probably prove to make getting out of bed a bit more difficult in the morning. Oh well. I'm ready to get back into shape...it's definitely been too long.

My hair is still drying from my shower and I'm waiting for Faith to get home so we can go grocery shopping. I have absolutely no food in the house (besides 4 cans of tuna, which you are only supposed to eat once a week), so it's a must today. I'm also previewing a new album just finished by a friend of mine from choir...she's got a great pop/rock voice and some pretty impressive sounds aided by some guitar playing buddies and a good studio master. I don't think these kids have any clue how lucky they are to be able to use the caliber of studio we have here at MU for personal projects...they have to do things in the middle of the night but it's still awesome.

Last night I got to see a very different part of the "music world" at Millikin...the opera folk put on the "HMS Pinnafore", a classic Gilbert and Sullivan performed in our cozy little theater. They had us rolling much of the time, while somehow still admiring their sheer talent. It's so fun to watch those types of shows and to see the actors let themselves run through the channel of a character who often shares some striking similarities with their every day person.

Anyhoo...this weekend will be spent mainly studying for the three tests that come next week (Anatomy and Phys, Lifespan psychology, and Neurobiology...the later of which will be a bear...) as well as hopefully working a bit more on my CASPA application and my summer plans.

I'm trying to come up with a good medical missions trip to take for 3-4 weeks this summer and have been putting a lot of "feelers" out all over the place, getting in touch with friends of my uncle (who did medical missions translations for 15 years in south America), random missions organizations, and even a professor here at MU. I'm really praying that God will put me where he wants me and also give me the opportunity to serve in a capacity that really enlivens me. From my perspective that screams "MEDICAL!", but knowing the God I serve who loves to surprise me, I could end up anywhere....

This weekend is also Millikin Vocal Fest...those of you who remember it from high school may well also remember some happy memories we made there, including but not limited to salsa chugging, sitting next to jewish people, and naptime in the lobby. I'm looking forward to helping "direct traffic" and get everyone checked in, as well as singing with U-choir on one of the concerts.

I'm trying to keep my head to the grindstone these next few days while anticipating a trip to DeKalb next weekend...it will be wonderful to get to see Matt and roomies, while taking a bit of a break after a week that I'm sure will be full of late nights and hand cramps. Yay for road trips!!

Blessings on your own weekends and may you find some time to refresh and feed yourselves. I'm learning that I am only able to give what I allow myself to receive, unless of course I try to give of my very self which tends to burn me out...

Happy Friday!!

the coming rain....

stormy night.

I couldn't be happier. We got a huge snowstorm (with snow day included) last thursday, and today was the strangest weather day I've seen in forever. The day was much warmer than it has been for a while...in the 50's most of the day, but the entire city (and much of the state) was covered in a fog so dense that you could literally feel droplets hit your face as you walked through it. It was almost like being in a fine mist sprinkler (like the ones at amusement parks) all day long. The combination of on and off showers, as well as the melting snow, reduced many of the roads to mere channels for the mass of water to run through...the walks to and from class were interesting to say the least, especially since some of the sidewalks were still (unexplainably) icy.

But tonight, though the fog continues, the strange silence is broken by flashes of lightening distorted by the fog, and distant thunder which is ominous, but as of yet has not produced much rain. Ah weather...it never ceases to keep us on our toes here in Illinois, and never stops reminding me of how "little" my life really is in comparison to the cosmos and the great swirling masses of clouds at the fingertips of our maker.

It's been a busy last week, even with the snow day, and the tests are looming just around the corner. Anatomy and Phys comes first, with both a lab and a lecture exam...then Neurobiology comes next week. Vocal festival is also this weekend, and I am in charge of a team for this event. In addition, lots of stuff is going on with Intervarsity, and as we approach the middle of February I'm reminded often that I must put faith solely in God, for I will never be able to accomplish even a limited version of our chapter's vision for the semester without all his power working through my weakness. Please pray for us as we are working to put up a "social justice" week focusing on the AIDS crisis in early April. With "logistical details" as my weakest character trait, I'm naturally a bit scared of all I might forget to do. Thank goodness for a dedicated and Christ centered team full of ideas, conviction, and motivation.

Last night I began the scary process of filling out information on CASPA (the Central Application Service for Physician's Assistants). This process basically involves vomitting your "life accomplishments" in school/community/employment/honors onto several web pages and waiting for the scores from the GRE (to be taken in the early summer) and then sending the whole batch to any number of schools. Scary to be looking at this full in the face...and so exciting too. It never ceases to amaze me that as God brings me through life, I find points of "comfort" that are quickly eliminated by "next steps". I suppose that is what all of growth is...having finally become accustomed to one level, we are challenged by the next...and should we chose to ignore the challenge, we will face a different one down the road or be forever doomed to "sameness".

This past week I placed myself in a "holding pattern", taking a few days void of technology and social extras and even some close friends for the purpose of giving my soul some time to be restored. I have been running frenetically for so many months that I feel I have really put off some necessary personal time. Everything from personal devotions to intimate friendships to overall life perspective to sleeping habits have suffered in the process. And while the amazing infrastructure of friends around me have kept me from totally crashing and burning...I have found myself exceptionally drained and without a lot of purpose. Not good for a president of a christian organization on campus...not good for a pre-med student...not good for finding good reasons to get out of bed in the morning. My "monastic" period (I use the term loosely because it wasn't nearly that disciplined but did have that general feel) was used to do a ton of reading, sleeping, journaling, and just being quiet...re-learning the value of solitude and seeking out a reminder of the identity that I have that is not of this earth. I was challenged so much about the way that I love and relate to people, and the way that these relationships are hopeless if I don't understand my own identity (both strengths and needs) and view my soul on a level with every other human being in the world. I read through several books, but chiefly "searching for God knows what", another Donald Miller must read that had me really grappling with some foundational truths about myself, my motivations, and my source for self-worth. How can I ever expect to make a difference in the lives of others if I am so out of touch with my own struggles??? And as a self-appointed "fixer" of all problems I can see, how do I expect to help people out of the despair and struggle of life without a sense of their deeper heart issues and the essential needs of their souls???

So much of my life I have spent learning the formulas and the "Christianese"...but we serve a God who SHOWED us how to reach people...not through bullet points but through acceptance...not through a "get together to feel safe" club, but through a vulnerability and openness that penetrated into the societies that seemed polar to the religious groups. Its not surprising that we as Christians feel a need for security and attempt to find it in those around us, but it IS surprising that we continue to go back to this fragile source of acceptance when we should know in our hearts that it can come....was only meant to come...from one source.

Anyhoo, these and so many other thoughts and wonderings have been coursing through my mind these past few days, and as I attempt to add "real life" back into the equation, I'm asking God to keep them fresh in my mind, and keep speaking to my soul. He has been so faithful to meet me where I am, along with the doubts and questions and unresolved fears that, I am learning, may never be truly answered as I seek a God I cannot see and a faith that is certain of what it hopes for. I have stopped asking God to "get me there" and merely begun asking that he would keep me pointed towards the goal, working out my salvation with fear and trembling.

The semester goes on, and in light of these recent thoughts seems a bit inconsequential. And yet, they are the small mountains that God has placed in front of me at present. I desire to use them to glorify him.

A stormy night, and the thunder only grows louder. Yet, the sun will rise again tomorrow and the day that dawns may be all the more beautiful for the storm.

let the storm break...let the rains fall...let the faith within me be challenged...let me break in my own weakness...and let his grace shine all the brighter with the coming day.

it starts...

I should be doing ______ (approximately 12 possible insertions are available here) right now...but I need to get my mind empty so I'm sitting down to write instead. So sue me.

We are back into the second week of classes here and now in full swing. The past 3 weeks of life have been mostly busses and concerts as we swung around the midwest for choir tour. We returned only for 4 days of class last week and hit the road again this weekend. Many lovely concerts and a great time with friends and family along the way. Several "long lost" cousins on my mom's side met with us unexpectedly in Missouri, Zach and Tina drove up to Topeka, Matt came to see two concerts in Madison, and Laura (who I knew I was going to get to see for a short time) surprised me by bringing Beth and Cassie along to see us in Chicago. These last three were a special joy as we got a "girls night" that has been a LONG time coming and which we somehow missed over Christmas break. We had so much fun laughing till all hours in a local IHOP and then cramming 4 people into Laura's dorm single. Much giggling, chatting, facebook stalking, and chocolate eating, reminiscent of many such events in junior high and high school. Such a joy to have such amazing friends.

Returning to campus and staring at the semester straight in the face has been a challenge. It will be a hefty one to be sure. On top of a normal class load, I am the President of Intervarsity starting this semester, and will be a TA for a large freshman bio lab. Our review sessions for my graduate entrance exam (the GRE) start this weekend, and I MUST begin working on PA school applications by late this spring. With the choir's china tour and a yet unplanned missions trip looming in the summer future, I've got quite a bit on the horizon.

However, I have been doing my best to "let things go" this past week, and have dropped out of voice lessons and turned down some research teams and a panel for a conference here on campus. Never have I hated the word, "NO" more....and never have I realized so quickly in a semester how vitally important it is.

Last week was excellent in the "New Classes" department, and though surely overwhelming I was quite blown away by the stuff I'm learning and how amazing it is. Sitting in my Anatomy and Physiology class last week a girl next to me leaned over and asked how on earth people can look at something like the heart, with it's ornate valves, perfect rhythm, complicated electricity, and (honestly) strange and globular appearance, and think "oh, I bet that basic staple of human life appeared in perfect form just by chance." I couldn't agree more. I'm more and more an advocate of the power of evolution to preserve lines of organisms in amazing circumstances, but I will never understand how a person can look at the intricacies of the body and not see the need for some sort of order or command at "the beginning". I don't pretend to understand how the genisis account meshes with the scientific "truth", but I'm pretty sure that if God wanted us to know all that he would have written it down.

At any rate (sorry for the bunny trail), anatomy fascinates me, and I have loved jumping right into the cardiovascular system, as I hear all these words on the cardiac floor at the hospital, but often don't know exactly what they mean. Did you know that the heart has a small dent in the right atrium that is called the fossa ovalis?? This little "bubble" is a remnant from the foramen ovalae--a small tube that is present only in the heart of a developing embryo. This tube acts as a bridge between the right and left atria of the heart, allowing the blood to move through the heart without passing through the pulmonary circuit (the path the blood follows to the lungs in order to be oxygenated). This is fortunate, because the lungs of an embryo are not developed fully until a few hours after the baby is born. If blood were pressured into the lungs as they were developing they would never grow properly, but without a heartbeat, the brain could not survive, and the nervous system (which is one of the first systems to begin developing) would never grow before the other systems blocked it's path. However, once the baby is born, it is vital that the lungs begin receiving blood very soon after birth, so that the lungs can fully expand and receive enough oxygen into each part of the bronchial tree. The foramen ovalae closes within hours of birth and relies on the pulmonary circuit to take over.

amazing.

I've never been so excited about a class and thrilled at all I will learn. Yes, it will be lots of memory and organization and pulling out my hair because I can't remember all the 30+ parts of the heart we have to know. But I will have a constant reminder of the beautiful care our maker formed us with and of the awesome identity that we have in his ownership.

In other news, Casey turns 18 this weekend and is still on the hunt for the "perfect college"...she has been accepted several places and is still waiting for a lot of details to fall into place before making a choice. TJ too will be choosing a high school (???!!!) later this semester. I'm looking forward to a trip to DeKalb sometime next month and hopefully some good times with my roommates, a couple of whom are brand new.

Please pray for me as I attempt to balance time, and especially as I attempt to lead a group of wonderful people and help to encourage them to follow God's will for our campus ministry. There are so many moments that I feel so unworthy and unable to provide an ounce of wisdom or spiritual truth to those who are looking up to me. I'm only praying that God will be the one to speak strongly and that my role would be somewhat similar to the guy in ratattouli...an eager puppet in the master chef's hands.

Blessings on you all as you start a new semester....

Christmas Time is Here...

Greetings All...

After a very long absence, I return to you to post a blog I wrote a few weeks ago during our family vacation in Albuquerque. With all the driving back and forth ending in a flurry of "New Year" and tour rehearsal, I never got it posted before running off to Kansas and Wisconsin on a tour bus. At any rate, this post should catch you up to date on my late December weeks...come back soon for a bit of more recent news...

December 24^th, 2007

My family drove for 21 of 36 hours yesterday in order to arrive in Albuquerque in time. We have been planning this trip for months and anticipating both the joys it would bring and the energy that it would require. From what we can remember, it has been about 4 years since the family was down here, and about 7 since we last spent a Christmas here.

In order to understand what “here” really means, I must explain a bit about my family tree. My dad’s family is quite complex and large. His mother (Beatrice) has a twin sister (Bernice)…and the sisters have lived within 30 miles of each other for their entire lives. A majority of those lives have actually been lived within one block…and sometimes right next door. The result is that my father actually has two mothers…indeed he as often joked he was spanked, fed, raised, and encouraged almost equally by both. While he only has one brother and one sister, he has 6 first cousins (whom he really counts as siblings). Since Bea and Bee (often named “the killer B’s”) are married, and they now carry the name “Holmes” and “Holmen”, the family tree is comprised of 9 children and two sets of parents who have a last name only one letter apart. One other sibling of the B’s adds a set of cousins that were a bit less close to the family in geography but just as integral. The result is a family tree worthy of the story books.

Dad’s stories from childhood are hilarious and wonderful. He relates many tall tales of adventure in which the 7 boys (only 1 girl in each family…poor things) ran over the ditchbanks with bikes, horses, and scooters…wreaking havoc on all and bringing fun to everyone. They never really had to worry about being accepted because they were related to their friends. So foreign to me...

We kids hear these stories and marvel. We have only 8 first cousins on both sides of the family total…and neither of them live closer than 20 hours from us. On mom’s side they are a full 10 years younger than us, and on Dad’s side, they are mostly older. We get extra “cousins” however, thanks to the killer B’s, who are actually dad’s cousin’s offspring. Confusing.

Since our last visit out here 4 of these cousins have been married, and one has a new baby. In addition, one of dad’s cousin/siblings is married and pregnant. Our 11 hour drive on Monday ended literally in the driveway of the annual Holmes/Holmen clan Christmas Party, and before we had our sea legs yet, we were surrounded by an ocean of family members. Most were incredibly gracious to us, cuing us with the names of the new offspring and spouses. It took a good 5 minutes to even recognize our cousins after a 5-8 year absence, but after the preliminary hellos we picked right up where we left off. It was amazing to sit around discussing college plans and graduation for the high school kids, watching the “young” cousins play piano and drums and the “old” cuddle and introduce new wives. Great fun to pick up with a new set of people and re-intersect our lives.

The family Christmas eve party always begins with food, and plenty of it. The relatives are well cultured in authentic southwestern cuisine and many amazing spices and tastes met us. We enjoyed special beverages from the Dominican Republic, furnished by our first cousins who live there and laughed and talked and enjoyed the company.

Next, comes the “talent” portion of the evening…traditionally a somewhat painful experience in which every family is required to bring a “gift” to the king in the form of a musical presentation or poem. The killer B’s have a fettish for these types of presentations, which are often demanded rather forcefully. However, when all the groaning stops and the group of almost 60 settles in a crowded living room, the frustration dissolves and the true meaning of family comes out. Back in the days, when my dad was young, the twins forced the family to form the “rinky dink band” which always performed Christmas carols at the party. Any child old enough to hold an instrument could play jingle bells on it, they assumed, and the kids all tell stories of being forced to practice and play regardless of talent or desire. But somehow through the “torture” many of the kids came out with great musical instincts and, more importantly, a sense of what it means to share as a family. Here it doesn’t matter what you bring, or to what level of perfection, but the fact that you are willing to bring at all. The presentation, we quickly realize, has nothing to do with talent but with vulnerability and a willingness to submit your “gift” to applause and laughter alike in order to glorify the king and edify the family.

Members of the New and improved Rinky Dink Band play, with dad as the director...

Many of the grandchildren played instruments as others shared pictures from vacations and missions trips. Multigenerational bands played songs written by one of my cousins and several of the uncles re-formed the rinky dink…dusting off old trombones and trumpets and begging their mouths to put forth the muscles to get through the song. The matriarchal B’s looked on with contented smiles, even though they sometimes lacked the hearing necessary to pick up all the performances over the dull roar of children, eating, and “peanut gallery” conversations. This is the greatest gift we could have given to them…and indeed, as the evening wore on and the laughter increased, we were all blessed with a more genuine definition of “Christmas spirit”.

At the end of the talents, the uncles and aunts produce gifts galore for many or all of the cousins, pouring love and affection as quickly as money and gifts. The cousins our age demanded cell phone numbers from us and promises for game nights and movies later in the week. Ahhhh…this is being “home” for the holidays.

We traveled next in a smaller group to the plaza at Old town. Albuquerque was originally little more than a trading town and its center is rustic and beautiful. An adobe style church stands at the center of the square, and tonight the plaza is also decorated with luminarias. For those of you in the Midwest, luminarias are probably quite foreign. But here, they are a common practice for all who call themselves “authentic” residents of New Mexico. Small paper bags are folded down on top and filled about 1 inch full of sand, and placed along sidewalks, driveways, roof tops, fences, and walls. On Christmas eve, just before dusk, a lit candle is dropped into each back, illuminating the bag and the walls that they adorn. While the plaza has a bit too many lights to enjoy the view fully, some of the older subdivisions in the city encourage everyone for blocks to participate in the night’s splendor, and street lights and headlights are banned for the purposes of ambience. My dad tells a story of he and his “brothers” starting up a family business in their neighborhood by setting up, lighting, and tearing down hundreds of these lanterns in 10-12 neighbor’s yards on Christmas eve. While incredibly labor intensive, the sight and spirit produced is well worth it. We re-visited this old neighborhood and found the tradition continued well…an incredibly peaceful and beautiful sight.

Luminarias lighting the darkened streets of "old town"

By 1:30 (actually 2:30 illinois time) we finally bid goodnight to our relatives and traveled wearily home to sleep at last. Something tells me Christmas morning may not be quite so early this year…I hope so…

December 25^th, 2007

This morning was a great affair…it started late enough that we could keep our eyes open and lasted well into the afternoon. We opened gifts with my grandparents and my aunt (who’s house we are staying in) and enjoyed a great breakfast as well. Plenty of coffee and Christmas music around made for a great morning.

My grandparents enjoying Christmas morning...

This afternoon we ventured up into the mountains to visit dad’s brother and his wife. They are from Louisiana but have rented a house up in the foothills so that they can host their large crowd. Brandon, their eldest son, will not be in until tomorrow…he was married on the 23^rd and is enjoying some down time before meeting up with the family. Ian was engaged about 2 weeks ago, and we got to meet his fiancé today. Natasha and her husband, Adrell, (who currently live in the Dominican Republic) were also there, with their ADORABLE 2 year old son Christopher in tow. He absolutely stole the show last night (during everyone else’s performances he could be seen strutting/dancing/smiling around the room) and continues to melt our hearts today. Dad’s brother and his wife are among the best hosts I’ve ever met and kept everyone going strong with food, conversation, and laughter despite the crowd of people. Spicy foods and strong coffee were again a huge necessity.

The beautiful , feisty ham...our darling little Christopher...

The gang played a game of “turbo cranium” after the fiancée and her family left and we enjoyed many laughs as we attempted to spell backwards and sculpt “tounge in cheek” out of clay. Good times. We return to the house tonight rather weary and looking forward to a more relaxed day tomorrow.

Turbo Cranium with the gang...

December 29^th, 2007

Yesterday we had a little reunion with the Holmen “cousins” who are closer to us in age than our real cousins. They took us to lunch at the favorite pizza place and showed us around the town, ending in a hike by the Rio Grande river…which, though chilly, was excellent fun.

A view of the wintertime Rio Grande...

Us with the Holmen "cousins"...

It is interesting to be nearing adulthood and seeing suddenly the ways that WE must initiate the relationship with these distant but dear relatives if we want them to continue. In the past, these meetings have been a product of our parent’s congregations and we merely tagged along, stared awkwardly for a few minutes, then settled down to having the time of our lives together. Now that we can drive, plan, buy our own food, and etc, we are more in charge of making this fun happen…and it did.

It is also interesting, however, to re-enter the family as a “grown up” and suddenly be privy to conversations that we never noticed or were never allowed to hear before. Family dynamics are strong in every family of this size, but it is interesting to hear things about the parents of these cousins and then go and form very basic and foundational relationships for them for one afternoon every 5 years. Much thought begins to churn in me as I consider my individual future, and the future relationships of my offspring. What will they think of my family as we come home for the holidays…and when they become aware of broader “family issues” how will it effect the way that they interact? Interesting…

My aunt has been eternally patient with the comings and goings of all of the family…hosting within an inch of her life and driving out to see my grandparents and uncle often. She still insisted on taking casey and I shopping the day after Christmas...waiting in the lines with us and helping me battle my lack of fashion savvy all while spoiling us rotten. Great to have some good girl time together. About 20 members of the family met up at ihop after this shopping to spend some of the gift cards handed out by my great aunt and uncle.

This morning the entire family re-convened for a final breakfast before we leave tomorrow. It seemed impossible that all 40 could fit in my aunt’s 3 bedroom house, but we did and loved it. A few of the brothers had transferred all the old home videos (originally on 8mm tapes) to DVD and we enjoyed almost an hour of silent moving pictures of our parents. It was so fun to watch everyone through a 30-50 year time warp and see the siblings playing, fishing, camping, throwing tantrums, having snowball fights, and etc. We see pictures often but rarely get a glimpse at the personalities behind the shots. Watching dad strut around in little overalls, many times we referred to him as little christopher’s role model. Indeed, it was almost frightening how many times we saw ourselves in the spotted movies.

We took several large group photos, knowing that it may be the last time we are all together for a great many years. Who knows, even, how many more Christmases my grandparents will be here on earth for. But watching them hold their great grandson for a photo shoot and smile like none other was enough to tell me without a doubt that death in this case will not be a sad affair. These dear old saints have given so much of their lives to the preservation and improvement of a romping clan, which is now leaving its large and variegated mark on the world one person at a time. The legacy they leave will not be without failure and disappointment and even rejection of the faith that has been handed down…but they have done so much to show us what belonging and family and unconditional love looks like, we can’t help but thank them with as many hugs as we can give.3 generations of the Holmes/Holmen "Babes"...see the "killer B's" in left center...

4 generations of the Holmes Clan...

Tonight we played Farkel and Texas Hold Em well into the night, enjoying snacks and laughter and trying to put off the inevitable departure tomorrow. Hard to believe that this 5 day party has sped by so quickly but here we are. I myself am ready for a bit of “self” and “immediate family” time for a few days. Today and tomorrow we travel, ending in a yet unplanned but sure to be fun new year’s party with some of the church people. 2 days later I’ll hit rehearsal camp, and 4 days later I’ll climb on the tour bus to DRIVE some more. …oh for a bit more time on solid ground…

For now, I’ll take my tired self to bed and hope to be rid of this cold I’ve contracted sometime soon. Merry Christmas to all, and a blessed new year…

A brief review

Getting late and a paper waits...but I just finished a shorter one about 5 minutes ago, so let's call this a "reward". Pathetic perhaps, but interestingly accurate. I find nothing more soothing to the soul than a bit of journaling...for other's eyes or not.

Good day...much rain put my jeans in the "not wet but constantly soggy" category. Not as much fun as could be desired...but hey...schmedibluh. Awesome choir rehearsal (if you aren't planning on attending Vespers...start planning) and a good day of meetings and connections. Got to see Zach and Tina (and yet un-gendered papoose) for a brief little meeting of cards over blizzards and a bit of catch up. They seem to be adjusting well to their new army life, though I'm sure it will take some getting used to. Also had an IV team meeting (one of the last of this semester) and took some time to catch up with a few roomies. Yay for not being tunnel visioned with homework at least once a week or so. Not enough, but I'm working on it.

(Morning Coffee by Bill Cantos playing...out of context at the moment but awesome jazz and witty lyrics nevertheless)

This past weekend was a busy one, with IV Friday night and an IV staff exploration (aka, "any chance you want to come on full time IV staff after you graduate??") day. Said meeting was held in champaign, and Holly and I drove up together (and got quite turned around in the neighborhood of Green street and 6th avenue). The day itself was very interesting, as the thought of pondering anything but "the plan" in my future life is a bit scarier than I originally thought. However, regardless of whether I ever even seriously consider this option, it was a great time of prayer, personal reflection, and bible studies focusing on God's calling on and plan for my life. Great reminder of how often I plan because I know I should or because I want to and not because I am being attentive to the voice behind me. Indeed, I've been thinking much more about how "every plan is a tiny prayer to 'father time'" (as death cab put it...so close to entirely accurately).

I've been greatly challenged by some passages in Isaiah and the Psalms to that end lately, both at the conference and in a conversation with Dennis and Donna a few weekends ago. God is constantly reminding me to trust him lately...reminding me that as I look back on my past and ponder my future I'm not at all alone...reminding me that often the choices that I will make will not be nearly as crucial as the attitude and position of submissiveness that I must put myself in to truly walk in His way.

Hard to imagine that while He has a plan for me, His glory cannot be thwarted by my inability to chose correctly if my heart is truly in His hands. May it be so...I trust my ability to chose rightly and without ulterior motives about a negative eleventeen.

Yet He keeps encouraging...quieting...drawing...and making it quite clear that I am not the least bit in control.

"Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. ....The LORD confides in those who fear him; he makes his covenant known to them. My eyes are ever on the LORD, for only he will release my feet from the snare."
Psalm 25

"'Woe to the obstinate children,' declares the LORD, 'to those who carry out plans that are not mine, forming an alliance, but not by my Spirit, heaping sin upon sin. These are rebellious people, deceitful children, children unwilling to listen to the LORD's instruction. They say to the seers, "See no more visions!" and to the prophets, "Give us no more visions of what is right! Tell us pleasant things, prophesy illusions. Leave this way, get off this path, and stop confronting us with the Holy One of Israel!"

This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, A thousand will flee at the threat of one; at the threat of five you will all flee away, till you are left like a flagstaff on a mountaintop, like a banner on a hill." Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!

O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it."

Isaiah 30

Such amazing words...as bring joy to me like nothing else. I do not deserve such compassion, love, and care...not by a mile, not by a galaxy, not by all the soybeans in Decatur. Wow.

And speaking of Decatur...here I am again...and reward time is over.
thanks for letting me review

Paper...you've met your match

~*~ Savory ~*~

There's something about fall that was made to savor
I've been doing so often of late

Walking through the day with my eyes on the sky and not on my feet...in another few months I'll be on the lookout for ice...but now I'm on the lookout for which tree's hue looks best against brilliant blue.

Sipping hot coffee while it's steaming and begging me to stretch my fingers as far as they'll go around the mug and tuck my toes into the ends of the long legs of my sweatpants.

Feeling the breezes blow harder in corridors made by the buildings on campus...then escaping to a less chilly sheltered spot before ducking indoors.

Observing the little maple tree on my way in the back door. Chuckling a little at it's impressive stature of 7 feet...and shaking my head in amazement at the brilliance and quantity of pigment that are seen in every last one of it's junior sized leaves.

Staying up late on the phone to wait until my toes lose that "cold sheets like permafrost" feeling and finally settle into their cozy cocoon for the night.

Finally beginning to really contemplate "the papers" that must be completed before Thanksgiving break...and wondering how long it will take me to begin actually writing them.

Heading to the balcony for the few minutes that I can stand the temperature at night to ponder the stars, which are made ever clearer by the crisp cold.

Coming home after a long day and turning a boring can of soup into something piping hot and delicious with the help of a pot, a flame, and a bit of Italian seasoning and garlic salt.

Eating carmeled apples with friends and family over a good long chat.

Seeing the roomates congregate in the main parts of the house more than normal because other places get dark quicker and the cold seems to seep in less when there are friends around.

Enjoying the rosy flush that hits my cheeks after a good walk home from class...enough to get my heart rate up but never enough to raise the temperature of my skin.

Calling my mom and talking about plans for Thanksgiving guests...including the cleaning projects and the making of "the rolls". Punch, green beans, and THE famous mashed potatoes will also follow.

Watching kids on campus hold out on wearing a coat for as long as possible, replacing said "winter items" with hoodies, scarves, hats, shirts several layers deep, and bulky sweaters which appear toasty until they meet the piercing wind.

Heading to vespers rehearsal and trying to imagine what the songs will sound like once we finally pack Kirkland and file in under the lights. What it will feel like to pour our souls out to the audience with tidings of great joy to kick off the Christmas season. What it will feel like to pray for the soul of the person next to me, and wonder if they have any real comprehension of the joy and purpose and freedom that can be found in the very words that they are singing.

Aromas, tastes, sensations, friends, dreams, longings, freedom, joy, beauty, life, change.

Fall was made...
and savor I shall

The Train

Friday afternoon...near dusk and a crisp breeze setting in from the north. It's gonna be a chilly weekend.

I'm sitting in the computer lab just prior to running over to the chapel on campus to set up for IV large group. Seems like not ten minutes ago I was setting up for last week. Then again that feels like an eternity ago. For the first weekend in a few Matt's not down which is a bit sad but also probably good for both of our productivity levels. Mom and I and Casey travel to St. Louis tomorrow for a girl's day with Donna...something that hasn't happened in a good couple of years. Very excited to see her/them for a short time at least and get some time away from school. I'm definitely becoming tunnel visioned a bit as I battle through the onslaught of tests, papers, labs, and annotated bibliographies that have been my week in simplified form. Frustrated that I rarely find myself on the couch downstairs with my roomies just vegging for a few minutes because I'm afraid if I sat down I'd get up again sometime the next day.

Time seems to very much be slipping away. Somehow it's Vespers season already and as I watch the blur of the weeks go by I'm more and more aware of large changes on the horizon which are suddenly getting larger rather than staying a bulky and distant thing to view. I'm fascinated that sometimes the best way to keep your mind on the present is to throw yourself into the here-and-now as much as possible. But that is also the best way to end up far down a stretch of road that you don't remember traveling and much closer to the impending decisions, landmarks, and life stages.

I have the pleasure of watching a few good friends who are entering real transition states and watching them do it first. Jill is half way through her first year of teaching and thriving in her position but good at sharing temporary insecurities about being an "inbetween" college kid and adult. Holly will start student teaching next semester and is processing words like "graduation" with increasing fluency. Hillary is preparing to graduate next month and is looking to find her first real job and get married within the year. My academic mentor is gone....graduated and off to grad school and all that lies beyond. Chelsea and Alan are preparing to tie the knot in a matter of weeks. Andrea and Aaron are entering the medical field "for real" in their own ways. And behind me things keep changing too. Casey is college hunting and applicating at every spare minute. TJ is looking at high schools. Christmas has been designated as an "all family" event on my dad's side, with every cousin and brother that the "supertwins" (his mother and aunt) provided him and their offspring making an appearance. Both the twins and their spouses are getting up there in years and though in excellent health overall are experiencing their first real brushes with serious health complications. Though no one will say it, everyone knows that this is potentially the last time the whole family will be together. Hard to fathom. In my mind they are still as young and energetic as they are in my mom's wedding album...certainly "older" but never frail. Never gone.

As I observe the many significant people in my life I'm struck by the presence of a supportive "swirl" of people...who touch me and meaningfully change me as one small droplet in a larger brush stroke. And while they may not know where the next part of the stroke will take them it seems that time is going fast enough that I can watch it happen. I can see their stories in lines and pathways rather than individual chapters.

It's a beautiful view, really. A reminder of the direction and story that accompanies the day to day choices and opinions and tasks and frustrations and relationships and impressions and efforts and joys and blessings. It's just that somehow, when I was younger, I had an impression that life was safe because it was small...controlled...understandable. And while I always longed for adventure and conquest and great acts of courage I always knew that the things in my life were, mostly, constant. There are always parts of life that throw you curve balls, but ultimately my life has been steady and even...privilleged and free...happy and warm and inviting.

And it is....it still is. But suddenly the things that I always aspired to are beginning to make me feel trapped...not in something that I don't wish to do but in a mode of living, a pace of life that I'm not used to living. It's just like it was in second grade. The hill always looks inviting to the ambitious bike rider, but it's not until half way down that you realize that the stakes just got higher...a fall will hurt more, the road might be bumpier, and who knows whether you'll ever make it back to the top. The adventure of the fall is fun, and all that lies beyond "charted boundaries" calls us, but upon arriving we realize just how much we don't know and how much we took for granted back home.

I'm looking for grad schools...something I've wanted to do for longer than I can remember. I'm taking classes that are applicable and I love them...my passion is there, my excitement is there, my desire to help people is there, my love for the new and different is there...but I can't shake a feeling that when I jump I'll never come back. And I can't stop a warning sign in the back of my mind that says "Jump if you dare" from slowing my step just a bit as I approach the edge of the cliff. It looks awesome down there. But so does the rear-view mirror.

And while I ask for more time to make better decisions and to think through things more thouroughly I know that the circumstances won't change for staying longer. I'm not any less inclined now to jump than I ever will be...and I'll be better fit for the journey below if I can get there a bit sooner. And there's no time like the present. And God will meet me there. And it's all about faith. And we have the best road map we'll ever need. And God is faithful. And good things come to those who take a chance. And if you shoot for the moon and fall short you'll at least hit the stars.

But the swirl returns and sweeps away the cliches and the obvious answers and leaves only a few things remaining.

God has called me.
God has prepared me.
God desires glory.
I have that ability.

I will go.

And before I do I will take the time to truly appreciate this golden plateau, which for all its hardships and frustrations has trained and nurtured and developed me without me even noticing. It has primed the brush for my first real strokes; cleaned the gears of the engine; set a course for the first parts of my journey.

They are ready and waiting...but I am not. I still have some time to enjoy the stationary and to revel in the parts that are mundane without allowing them to quench a higher passion. I will. I must.

I'm so scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young.
So I play the numbers game to find a way to say
that life has just begun.

Had a talk with my old man.
Said, "Help me understand."
He said, "Turn 68...you'll renegotiate.
Don't stop this train, don't for a minute change the place you're in.
Don't every think that I don't understand. I've tried my hand.
Quite honestly, we'll never stop this train."

Once in a while when it's good, it'll feel like it should.
And they're there, and they're all safe and sound.
And you'll never know what you've missed till you cry
as you're driving away in the dark singing

stop this train, I wanna get off and go home again
I can't stop this speed it's moving in
I know I can't
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train.

John Mayer

counting

it was a day for counting blessings....not just because there were many but because God put me in a mindset to notice them. praise the lord. Today blessings are not just about a happy feeling, they are about a realization of how little I truely deserve, how insignificant I really am, and how completely and utterly significant I am because of a bridegroom who loves me despite my unfaithfulness.

Tonight I'm thankful because...

~ My studying is paying off in decent grades and, more importantly, learning that really means something in my target field

~ I'm approaching a much needed break

~ I have friends around me who care enough to give me space when I need it and to get in my face when I think I need space but really need connection...the good, messy connection that God places between people with genuine needs, strengths, and sins.

~ I'm bothered by injustice in new ways every day...and begining to look for ways to more actively seek its retribution

~ Its raining outside...a lot...maybe Decatur won't have to get a new lake after all

~ I am surrounded by adults who model strong marriages, friends who teach me what it means to love genuinely, and friends who feel more like family

~ my summer soybean project is drawing to a close

~ my life is filled with music

~ I am able to read and think...and to feel resonnance with truth, even in the most bizzare places

~ I get to see my Jackie dear this weekend...it's been far too long

~ My God does not love me more or less for what I do...I have His love simply by accepting it

its good to count every now and again...to remember not to take these things for granted. to remember that part of living life abundantly is taking the time to notice them.

~tuesday ramble~

random time to blog

it's tuesday afternoon and I got very little sleep last night thanks to a pair of papers that had me running as though from fire tied to my own tail (think Khan in the Jungle Book). However, my Tuesday morning "no class" grace period (which has saved me more than once this semester) was incredibly productive and I have just sent them both to the printer sitting across the lab from me. One is a Biochemistry research proposal, which has seen me in the library searching databases at every spare minute the past week or so. I feel very insufficient to be proposing research that actually matters this much...after all, who am I to know what the scientific community needs??? Nevertheless, I've been sifting through page after page and article after article of past research about beta-blocker (blood-pressure lowering) medicines and have finally found what my teacher calls "a hole". And so...I'm doing it...proposing some research which has never been done before but which might actually matter in a clinical setting in the near future. Scary. Enantiomers and Carvedilol and vasodilation and alpha receptors. I won't bore you with the details, especially since I don't understand some of them... :) The second paper was a physics lab write up of even more boring content but a slightly more understandable concept. Let's hope both show the work I put in on them.

Hard to believe it's mid-October already. Celebrated Jared's home-going a few days ago and marveled at how far God has brought me and wondered why it still hurts this much after all this time. I was at a retreat two weekends ago and the speaker talked a lot about sin, which he says Christians have a warped perception of. He discussed the different types, and focused very heavily on the end result of all sin: death. And he challenged us to view death differently in light of sin...we feel it impact and cut through us because it is opposite of our calling. As we live in this world we can experience parts of Christ's kingdom thanks to his sacrifice, but until the new earth is established, some residues of sin reign supreme. Death, then, should not be something that we fear as we understand Christ's sacrifice, but it should seem out of place and even unfair. Our souls were made for the type of world which is completely saved by Christ's blood, in which sin and death have no place. Christ's victory over death has come, but until he passes final judgment on all mankind, we will not see it completely abolished. And while we can see this as frustrating, we must remember that it is out of love, and a desire to see all men come to himself that God puts us in this "here but not yet" kingdom limbo. Praise Him for his perfect timing...his perfect plan.

It's felt a bit more like summer than anything around here lately. My roomies and I finally turned the AC back on this week as temps pushed 95 again. I'm definitely ready for some hoodie weather. Stuff in the house is going well, and we're all having to learn to be patient with each other's messes. Not just physical but emotional and spiritual. Living together, you can't really get away from whatever messes you carry around with you or leave in the kitchen sink...and that's what makes the relationships good and real and whole. I'm trying hard not to get tunnel-visioned as the only non-music major (and the only one who has to "book study" with increasing frequency). I hope I'm not too self-absorbed.

Last weekend I took a 24 hour pass to DeKalb to visit Matt...my schedule (rediculous as always) did not permit any more time as I had to sing at the homecoming service with U-Choir on Sunday AM. However, we got to have a fun little patch of time together and with a bunch of his friends. The roomate that I met is a sweet guy and they seem to have a very low stress and high fun living environment. We made brownies, enjoyed some "cheese", watched their newest tv addiction "Heroes", made french toast brunch (3 varieties....amAzing), and hung out with a bunch of his music friends. He showed me around campus and I got to see the "sacred" practice rooms and instruments with a few mini-recitals to boot. Much fun. It was rough to leave after such a short time but great to get to catch up and feel a bit more apart of his school life.

Outside of school I've been tutoring a bit and TAing a genetics lab. Both provide a bit of extra cash and a chance to share some knowledge with those a few years behind me. There's something about teaching that is extremely fulfilling to me...I love being able to see kids as they struggle with something and then finally break through into understanding. And I love thinking that maybe something I said or did helped in the process. Good stuff.

One more week and I'll be headed to Nashville on spring break to see Jackie and visit a grad school down there. So much to do before then!! Pray for me that I can take the time I need to work through some personal and InterVarsity issues in and around the school load. God is faithful and I'm learning more and more that when I'm not big enough I start to see him for the first time. May it always be so.

Blessings to you all!!

Reflection on Beauty

The following is a response paper that I wrote for my global studies literature class. It is a study of feminist rhetoric, and one of our first readings was of "Diotima"...a woman quoted by socrates in the days of ancient greece. She left not record of her work personally, but her teaching on the essences of love and beatuy were quite inspiring to me. This response took on "blog tone" about half way through so I thought I'd post it here...enjoy.

It’s maybe one of the biggest problems in our society. And yet it’s one of the things that makes the world go round. Beauty is something that is valued but also abused. It is sought after but also scorned. It is desired and sometimes counterfeited. It is defined so differently by people in the world that often something called “beautiful” can look downright ugly to a person just across the street.

And perhaps, it is this defining of beauty that makes something truly beautiful so hard to find or hard to appreciate. The way that we search for beauty is sometimes in direct conflict with the way to find something or someone that is truly beautiful.
Is beauty a sensation or an emotion?
Can it be seen or must it be thought?
Is it natural or is it produced?
Is it a physical form or a spiritual condition?

Beauty is the reason that people put billions of dollars every year into the fashion industry. Yet it is also the reason that people like the Amish return to the simplest lifestyle imaginable in order to find it again. It can be seen in the face of a baby and in the eye of a storm. It is dangerous, because it can seduce us—sometimes beyond our own understanding, but it is also fulfilling and healing and sweet. Sometimes beauty is not seen at all; it jumps out at us from a page of text or it sweeps through us during a conversation with a person we esteem. But beauty always calls out more than a affirmation and demands a response; sometimes an emotion, sometimes an exclamation of praise, sometimes an interaction with the beautiful thing itself, sometimes a longing for something that we can’t even put a finger on. True beauty calls something out of us and desires a greater emotion than simple pleasure or happiness.

Sometimes a beautiful thing may be dull or shabby. Sometimes something that is very physically pleasing may not be beautiful at all. How do we tell? We can sense it. We know.

For some reason, we each have a deep seeded appreciation for beauty. I see beauty in simple things…and when these things come before my eyes or into my mind I am often caught off guard by a deep emotional connection to something much larger than myself. But sometimes when I see a very beautiful, done up, put together woman or a rich and elegant looking jewel the response is very different. I may see a pleasing image, but I don’t feel the same emotional draw and connection. My step is not lightened and my spirit is not quickened. The draw is tough to explain but it is unavoidably clear.

I love what Diotima says about seeing beauty in all different places. She says very clearly that if men spend all their time looking for a physically beautiful woman they will be very disappointed. After all, there are many beautiful people in the world, and they will soon see that she is only one of the many. She will lose her allure not because she is no longer beautiful but because she is not the only thing in the world that carries beauty with her.

So what’s the alternative?? Seek ugly people? Maybe. Maybe ugly people are more beautiful sometimes. Not because they are more pleasing to the eyes but because they bear a beauty that has nothing to do with physical appearance. We can be drawn to them without the fear of missing Beauty because we are too busy looking at a “shell.” The same goes with the beauty of logic and the beauty of community and the beauty of nature.

Diotima calls beauty, “a connection between the mortal and the spiritual.” She describes it as an overarching entity that has much more to do with a relationship between God and his people than with seeing or appreciating a beautiful article. This is a fascinating definition because it is so simple yet so easy to miss. And it tells me that beauty has nothing to do with seeing a pleasing image. It is a thing that God gave us because he wanted to tell us something about himself. He wanted to draw our spirits and show us a very small piece of his beautiful plan and purpose. He wanted to show us how much he cherishes and longs for us.

I could not agree more with Diotima’s final conclusion:
“It is only when [man] discerns beauty itself through what makes it visible that a man will be quickened with the true, and not the seeming, virtue—for it is virtue’s self that quickens him, not virtue’s semblance.”

As humans, we try so hard sometimes to find a beautiful thing that we lose perspective of the fact that beauty is its own entity. God created many beautiful people, beautiful flowers, beautiful landscapes, and beautiful animals. Humans can create beautiful art, beautiful ideas, beautiful behaviors or actions. But all of these are merely vehicles to show us a small piece of the essence of Beauty. They are meant to be enjoyed and experienced but they themselves are not the soul of beauty. I resonate with Diotima’s claim that the very soul of Beauty is the God of all, who uses its allure and pleasure to call all men to Himself. She says that if we can find this essence we will never again be completely transfixed by the vehicle of the beauty but by the beloved that is ever behind the beauty.

Do I believe this? Can I see that my spirit and my soul are enlivened by the beauty around me? Yes. Undoubtably. And yet there are days when I wonder whether I trap myself by seeking beautiful things above beauty itself. Believing that there is someone greater behind the beauty is one thing, but training my soul to yearn for the maker of the beauty instead of the portrayal of it is something I’m still learning to do.

Yet I have to believe that despite my ability to completely miss the point, God places beauty in my day to day path anyway. He knows I might end up worshiping it rather than Him, but He is willing to place it there anyway because He is so ready to show me Himself.

If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.

Round 3

I'm 3 and 1/2 weeks into school...and I'm already on round three. It is still SEPTEMBER, and I've had three rounds of sickness already. Amidst 70-90 degree weather and blue skies I've been carrying cold medicine and having to take naps. Weird. Round 1 consisted of a virulent head cold complete with sinus pressure, fever, and headache. 3 days after recovery, round 2 popped up, bringing some hefty coughing and overactive mucous membranes. "Recovered" again for 4 days this time, and today I contracted a very sore throat and body aches. Perhaps it was really all just one big "sick" bug...but either way it sucks. Bleh. No doubt about it, I've been thankful on logrithmic scales of late for ramen noodle soup, chai tea, and puffs with lotion.

My household is not fairing much better...between the 6 of us we had several colds, a sinus infection, bronchitus, and the flu in the past week. Campus also has a minimal number of strep cases already. What is going on??

All in all I'm frustrated but not too sick to function. Good thing too, cause the work load has been picking up the pace rapidly. For the first time in my college experience I am forced to stay completely on top of ALL of the reading for two of my science classes. No skimming suffices, and no cliff notes are avaliable (that I know of). My highlighters are getting good use, and the notecard stacks are inches thick already.

On the brighter side, I am thrilled to be learning things that are directly applicable to my medical future. Elated. Overjoyed!! So much fun to be seeing (finally) how chemical rules and interactions create clinical situations. My biochem class is eating my lunch when it comes to grades and the pending research paper...but in subject matter I couldn't be more facinated. This is where the terror that is Organic chemistry finally makes a few connections to what actually goes on in cells, DNA, and protiens. I still say that I didn't need 2 semesters of Organic to get a basis for all this, but maybe time will prove me wrong. Microbiology (that's the study of bacteria for you laymen out there) is a bit easy at the moment outside of some memorization of basic strains and shapes, but I'm sure it will pick up here soon. Physics is requiring some nearly painful scrapes of memory back to junior year of high school (and some dreaming about those days when we could "circle up" to do homework together). A chilled out and not-terribly-socially-akward teacher should make getting understanding not too difficult. :)

Out of the science building I'm in a global studies class called "Reclaiming Rhetorica...Feminist Rhetoric through the ages". It's a lesson in patience every time I walk in the room...I find it so hard to communicate with the professor because we aren't even in the same ballpark of understanding. Her entire premise is of complete equality for all types of people everwhere...including but not limited to gender, race, sexual orientation, etc. Not a bad premise I suppose from the point of view that God created all men and women in his image. But when we say that everyone is the same we are missing the point....and minimizing the beauty of individual, cultural, and gender diversity to an embarassing level. It's not that women shouldn't be given rights as human beings...it's that women were CREATED to be different...and we are robbing them of the ability to see the beauty in their differences. Good stuff for me to process...but I swear, if I hear that professor say the word "liberation" one more time I might have to start throwing my shoes or something. = )

I'm also taking voice lessons (my teacher is thrilled with all my illness as you can imagine...oh for the day when my voice will be normal again) and elbows deep into a new choir year...soo much fun to be back with all these fine musicians and anticipating a GREAT year which will end in a 12 day trip to China and Taiwan (which I have to learn to refer to as the same country before I go over there...) in May. Lots to learn and do before then, but a fun goal to look towards.

With "upperclassmen" thrust upon me like some "made in china" label, I am working through the new meanings of growing up. Lots of leadership in Intervarsity and an increased level of need for a more detail oriented personality. Also taking some leadership in choir and responsible for getting every girl some amount of fabric (preferably that covers her ankles) on her body before our first concert Saturday. This next month will also bring me to my first grad school interview/visit. I'm also being pushed towards chosing a senior research project and advisor for my honors thesis. Crazy times.

Loving the house, and enjoying having the family close enough to grab dinner with occasionally or have Casey over for a sleepover. Praise God for his insight in taking me out but leaving me close enough to help out and be helped occasionally.

Hoping that all of you are having a swimming semester...
Blessings~