Fog

break is only about 24 hours away, but I'm a bit in a fog tonight. I'm faced with 85 pages of reading about how the American culture is dying a slow and painful death...that on top of a rather lengthy paper (ok, one that needs to be lengthy and as of yet isn't) and a pile up lab projects, readings, papers, and assignements that are about to slip into the "do over break (haha)" pile.

The back has been a little on the shady side lately, so I'm transforming my computer chair into something semi-ergonomic...the computer on the window seat in the living room and my knees on the carpet. yay carpet.

Vespers rehersals are in full swing, although the next few days will present some well needed vocal rest. Choir and jazz are both much more taxing than anything I did last year. Taxing and completely rewarding...there is nothing that helps relieve me from the stress of sciences more than a good rehersal full of mental sweat and physical strain surrounded by equally dedicated musicians. So fun. Today was load in, so suddenly the stage is covered with risers, trees, and sweaty freshman (who's task it is to move entire rows of steel seats from the balcony to the basement)...tis the season.

This weekend I got to spend a good amount of time with the soon-to-be-weds...practiced for wedding hair, went bowling, played cards...great fun. Also attended Jill's senior recital (AMAZING!!), watched "Cars" with the gang (while marveling at their abilitiy to get a bunch of college kids feeling sentimental about a racecar and a rusty tow-truck), and out for some pretty amazing ice cream...the Tiramasu flavor rocks my world...

Life is foggy...foggy in purpose, foggy in future, foggy in motivation. I'm finding a difficulty recently in understanding how my actions and decisions today are going to affect my state of being in the next week, let alone month or year. Especially in relationships, this proves to be increasingly confusing. Maybe I've hit another hyper-analytical state (not unusual for me) but I am certainly feeling some strain. The very best I can do, I've decided is to keep my mind as much on others as I can...self-centeredness is undoubtably the most destructive portion of my day to day life. As I get myself into un-anticipated tangles with those around me, I do my best to keep from getting bogged down by drama, and to give back all I can. What else is a girl to do?? No one ever said that relationships followed a formula. Thank goodness...that's what makes them so intensely enjoyable!!

so that's all...and hopefully this here fog will clear in due time. For now, it serves as a good reminder of my lack of strength and insight. I'm so clueless some time. So much lost in foggy darkness without a flashlight. And despite the helpless state that I'm in, there's something comforting about having your hands tied...it means that you are NOT the person to accomplish the amazing victory. That's someone else's job.

"Take my will and make it thine
It shall be no longer mine
Take myself and I will be
ever, only, all for thee
ever, only, all for thee"

Foggy or no, my destination is sure...alleluiah

hanging on...

the weeks fly
the friends rock
the tests loom
the cold will NOT go away
the schedule eats me

...and somehow we're already scheduling next semester...gah!! a break perhaps?

No, sometimes life is better, I think, when it moves so quickly that you can't ever get to feeling like you're in control of it. And that's what I'd do if I had things going all my way at an even steady pace. I'd lose dependance on my friends, my family, and my savior...and I would probably waste a lot of time too. ( the past hour at the computer wasn't wasted...it was a 'rest')

Life hanging on to a stem in a 90 mile an hour windstorm could be a lot worse. you get to see and experience things rapid fire. Birthdays, apple pie, bonfires, Anchorman, Vespers rehersals, games of "red rover", campus recitals, evangelism training, test taking, internship searching, wedding planning, poster making, random trips to DQ and steak n shake for sustinance.

...and while the pace is dizzying, God is being so faithful to me. I'm learning more than I ever thought there was to know...and for the most part, loving it. I'm drawing closer to people who are sharpening me. I'm teaching, but I'm also learning. Counceling and being counceled. Enjoying the sweet spirit of God in my friends who know him, and doing my best to spread that "irresistable grace" to those who don't. I'm becoming more concious of sin, of predjudice, and of straight up fear in my own life. And I'm being given the opportunities to address them.

and as I use the "grip" God gave me to keep my cool, I'm also basking in the knowledge that without Him I am nothing. I am dust. A clay jar. A mere mortal.

But God has chosen the weak, the useless, the sinners, the foolish, and the uber-busy. ...he has promised to take those hearts that are surrendered to him and indwell them with His power. Amen, and may I never forget!!

Advising day is over...turkey day approaches. Buckle in and hold on tight!!

Peace and blessings to you all,
Me