Turbulence...and a year of flight

I've been needing, desperately, to blog all day...but my heart has not had the strength for it.

Today has been tough.  Maybe the most difficult day since we arrived. It's little things mostly...meetings for Matt in Bakersfield two nights in a row, car trouble (his tail light detached spontaneously on our way down the canyon yesterday...my car is in the shop with a check engine light), a crashed hard drive on my computer (with questionable ability to recover my prized possessions--my pictures), and the wait to hear back about a job interview and shadowing from last week.  The house is starting to look more like a home and less like a refugee camp after I have finally given it some attention: a vacuum job, some pictures on the walls, and a pantry where I can finally find the baking soda.  Perhaps because the immediacy of getting our stuff out of "survival mode" has passed I am starting to sense some emptiness again.

This morning, first thing, the repair shop called with a bad report on what we thought was a small problem.  It remains to be seen whether the car really WILL ultimately need $2,000+ of work done...but needless to say, we need a second opinion.  These are the things that are tough to know about a new place.  It's hard to find a mechanic you trust to not charge extra and to do good work.   And until you reach a certain level of familiarity with your surroundings, there is a sense of foreboding, that you must be doing something wrong.  Logistics, too, play a part.  Cars must be registered within a month of moving, but before registering in CA you need a "smog test" to make sure you are under emissions standards...and no smog station will even see you if a check engine light is on.  I want a library card and a bank account, but first we need a California driver's license, which means a test on rules of the road, tons of paperwork to prove residency and employment, the endless line of fees, and a 3-4 week wait for the cards to be sent to us...from Mars perhaps?  This stuff makes me crazy.

I've listened to a sermon from First Christian in Decatur online (oh, how I miss their worship and Pastor Wayne's words...), made a batch of soup with some leftovers about to go bad in the fridge, did some aerobics to work out my angst, hung a few more pictures, and still find myself roaming about the house without much purpose waiting for the phone to ring and hoping no more expenses or problems pop up before Matt gets home.  There are always things to fill the time and the space...but filling my sense of security and of purpose...therein lies the rub.

Last night while I was chatting with my folks, I was able to put into words something that has been mulling in the back of my mind for several weeks.  They were asking me what is different about living here in terms of my relationship with Matt.  I can say with great confidence and joy that being here together has been REALLY good overall...very unifying for us and we relish the good times together so much more fully because it really is relationally all we have.  We also have lots more TIME on weekends and evenings to adventure and be together.  But I will also say that on the hard days it is harder to be all alone here.  For some reason, learning to summon the strength to support each other is a different process here than it was at home.  It shouldn't be, I know...leaning on the Lord to supply our needs and then giving away all we have to the other ought not to have changed simply because we lack family and familiar surroundings.  But it has.  My husband is incredible...and I can not imagine my life without his tender care and humor and encouragement.  But on days like today, I question my ability to bring anything of value to the table.  Compared to his challenges today (crazy schedule so far this week, first formal evaluation without much prep time) I should be flying high, full of energy and joy when he walks in the door, ready to kiss away any of his problems and be a source of restoration for him.  Perhaps more than my frustration on the hard days, it is my fear that I will be a burden to him that ties me in knots.

As I was rifling through still unpacked boxes in the guest room looking for a fulfilling project, I came across an unmarked manilla envelope shoved between some bubble wrap and an old picture frame.  Inside was a little miracle.  It was a letter written to Matt and I from my dad...composed the day after our wedding and delivered on our 6 month anniversary.  My grandfather orchestrated a mass delivery of encouragement and wisdom to be mailed to us 6 months into the marriage adventure, and this was one such letter.  We read it at the time (though we have been slowly opening and savoring many of the others along the way) and it had been haphazardly filed away in the move.  It was what my heart needed today.  The letter was really just dad's reflections on the wedding experience from the perspective of a father...using a metaphor which has become so strong in our household.  When mom and dad launched into homeschooling they chose Psalm 127 as inspiration:

"Unless the LORD builds the house, they labor in vain who build it.  Unless the LORD protects the city, the watchmen awake in vain.  It is useless for you to work so hard from early in the morning until late at night, being anxious, for He gives sleep to his loved ones.  Children are a gift from the LORD, they are His reward.  Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows to defend Him.  Happy is the man whose quiver is full of them!"

As kids, we were coached to memorize this and other verses (with accompanying actions) as part of our school day...and our school was named after the text.  "AIM Academy" was to be a place for Arrows In the Making.  Through our childhood we were reminded that our real purpose was not to be kept in the quiver, but to be launched into the world at the proper time.  In the meantime, they took it as their burden to shape and sharpen us for the appointed time and mission.  One of my most memorable moments during the wedding weekend was standing next to Dad after the flower girls headed down the aisle.  He leaned over and said, "So...this is what it feels like to look at a target and send your arrow into the future.  No wonder my heart feels so stretched."  The way he dissolved me to tears just before the doors opened was so worth the feeling of great depth and purpose while walking that aisle.  I knew that Matt was my future, but he reminded me that my entire past had also been preparation for this launch.  Maybe it's because Dad and I are so alike that his words resonated with me for weeks.  But it's been a year now.  This afternoon when I picked up his letter, I read his version of the arrow's release and his marveling at the great mystery of God's hand working on him--the bow.  His last paragraph was balm to my frustrated heart today.

"Take time today to recognize that the flight is long, the target elusive, and the elements harsh.  But that's just an arrow's perspective.  In all that surrounds you, God has ALREADY determined a purpose.  He has taken into account all the variations of the weather and is adjusting you toward His goal.  Yours is to remain one in Him, supple to the winds that redirect you, and thankful for the path chosen for you.  Give God great praise today for the wonders He is doing in you both...together.  God is so good."  

Lord, thank you for my parents.  

One week ago, Matt and I celebrated our first anniversary...and marveled over apple crisp and honeymoon Moscato at how a whole 12 months had possibly flown by.  In some ways, I think we both feel like we have started all over again since moving to California...and it feels a bit unfair...like "hey! we just about had this figured out!"  But of course this is a lie.  We were just starting to wade into the learning waters that are married life...and I have learned a few things along the way. 

~ Matt and I are different.  Seriously.  He loves mornings, I am a night owl.  He is comforted by routine (he eats 2 apples and a ham & cheese sandwich EVERY day for lunch), and I take inspiration and joy from doing things differently every time.  His ideal thermostat setting is 78-82, mine is 70-74.  I love traditions, his favorite celebrations are those with no pre-planned constraints.   He loves caramel, I love chocolate.  He loves crunching numbers and analyzing, I love feeling and soaking in the experience.   I love giving gifts and doing things for others, his favorite way to show love is quality time and encouraging words (we make a good team on that last one).

~ Matt and I have a lot in common.  We love games and cards.  We love hiking and being outside.  We love water sports (he is good...I am not).  We love spending long days with family.  We love singing together in the evenings (he also has to play guitar, piano, or uke...I should really learn).  We love popcorn in the whirly pop during West Wing.  We love to travel.  We love being a part of a church that is seeking and worshiping the Lord.  We love hot drinks...sometimes in excess.  We love watching videos and looking at pictures of family.  

~ Support is important, listening is essential, respect is a necessity, advice is optional...and sometimes dangerous.

~ Being Uncle and Aunt is a BLAST.  We love the connection we feel to our new nephew.  

~ Praying together is the best way to handle sadness, conflict, change, and joy...and is the quickest way for me to remember the great respect I hold for Matt.  Watching him follow the Lord in faith, especially in the last 3 months, has changed the way I understand faith so dramatically...and has made me ready to follow both he and God with more abandon. 

~ My emotions are not always the best indicator of what is really happening, or even how I really feel.  Matt has an objectivity that I long to learn...though I know my heart will always be a bit unwieldy.  

~Finding a way to laugh at ourselves is a far better use of energy than trying to be perfect all the time and fix every potential pitfall.  

~ Matt doesn't always choose the way or the timing I would...but when he decides to speak or act, he does so with great intention, wisdom, and kindness.  When I am able to release my expectations, I see his incredible selfless actions so much more clearly, and am able to fully see the many ways that he cares for and nurtures me.  

~ There is nothing more deeply satisfying than finding something I can do which blesses my husband.

~ Conflict is a part of loving.  The first few fights were terrifying for me...plagued by "what are we doing wrong?" and "is this normal?"  I've begun to be more confident in the fact that valleys ultimately become mountains again with time.  I've learned to focus on asking forgiveness and rebuilding hurts rather than dwelling on frustrations.  I've realized that sources of conflict don't get erased after a fight...they return almost cyclically to draw attention to our flaws over and over again.  I've started to view conflict as my opportunity to have my flaws gradually changed by the man I love most in the world.  I've also realized that bringing up "issues" after 9pm is a big no-no...good never comes of it.  :-)

~ Common experiences are the greatest joys...whether a beautiful sight, a funny TV line, a conversation in passing, a wise lesson, a quiet night at home, or a life-changing challenge.  Experiencing real life together creates unity that lasts so much better than any of my attempts to "get closer together."  

~ I am so very blessed.

My love will return from work in just over an hour but my heart is far more ready for him now.  With my mind set again as an arrow, I resume my flight--with my seatbelt securely fastened for unexpected turbulence.  

Weekend in Wofford Heights

It's a sleepy Monday morning here in Wofford Heights...I fought with my snooze multiple times today and felt genuinely sorry for Matt who left around 7am.  We had a packed weekend and probably not quite enough sleep.  One of the wonderful things about Matt's new job is the FREEDOM he enjoys on the weekends.  I think at times he felt a bit lost not having a band competition to go to on this September weekend, but we enjoyed the productivity and play time tremendously.  

Friday night was the first home football game in the valley...which truly is a region-wide event.  As with most small towns the general populous finds its way to the bleachers each week...whether from a sense of town pride, a need for entertainment, or simply habit is hard to discern.  Matt was on "watch duty" for the back of the stadium, so we sat and kept people out of trouble while visualizing half of the field and enjoying the small town commentator immensely.  I enjoyed getting to meet many of Matt's students and a few fellow teachers, and just getting to be in a crowd.  The week has been lonely, and feeling a part of a group was wonderful. 

On Saturday we visited 8-10 antique stores, an estates sale, and a "swap meet" aka flea market in several towns in the valley...besides meeting a few of the local merchants we were also able to procure a few small pieces of furniture to help us make our kitchen more useable and to release our bookshelf from it's duty as a pantry and put it back in the living room where it belongs.  The house is finally starting to come together and in another few days I hope to have some pictures on the walls.  Our tired feet got the chance to relax through a west wing marathon Saturday night...what a great show.  

Yesterday we went to a small Baptist church in Kernville, and had a wonderful time.  The sermon was challenging, the music was heartfelt, and the people were so genuine and kind.  We had several offers to help us in any way we might need and a few dinner queries for this week.  The pastor and his wife are laid back 30 somethings and seem like dear people.  The worship leader and his wife could hardly contain themselves...after meeting Jake and Mattie, she said outloud to her husband "They are our age! right in front of us.  The community as a whole is largely retirement age, and we know that we aren't the only ones hungry for interaction with peers.  It was exciting to meet young christian leaders who were also so approachable and fun.  

After attending the early service we headed home and changed and made our way to the beach of Lake Isabella. Matt found a windsurfing group on Facebook last week who were having an open house for beginners and we decided to try our skills.  It is incredibly nerve wracking to approach a private looking camper with 10 people around it and not feel just silly.  We were greeted immediately by a 60+ spunky lady with a thick German accent, who proceeded to introduce us to her group of retired friends, most of whom were very fit, environmentally concious, and vegan.  The group has formed spontaneously in the past 3-5 years as they kept meeting each other on weekend get aways to the lake...many of them have now retired to the area and see the lake as their home.   Eva, our host, is passionate about helping beginners discover that water recreation need not use fossil fuels.  She is an avid wind surfer, kayaker, hiker, and swimmer, who collects old gear from friends in the valley and makes it periodically available to those wanting to learn the sport.  We spent some time on a surf board mounted to a lazy susan to get the feel of it, got some instruction and then....waited.  Perhaps for the first time since we got to the area there was absolutely NO WIND!  We were ushered under a small canopy for shade and had paper plates thrust into our hands...our polite declining was overrun by insistence that we join them in eating delicious salads and zucchini bread set out for the occasion.  By the time we finished lunch a small amount of wind was present, which steadily increased through the afternoon.  

For those who don't know, wind surfing is done essentially on a surf board to which a sail is attached.  The mast of the sail is attached by a flexible rod at the base, which allows it to lean in any direction.  Standing with your back to the wind and the sail in front of you, you manipulate the sail to catch the wind and propel you perpendicular to the direction the wind is blowing.  After 5-6 falls into shallow water before even getting the sail fully in place (balance has never been my strong suit), I managed to start moving...but the truly great challenge is turning around! The board must rotate 180 degrees to tack back in the direction you came from...but in order to maintain any movement you and the sail must stay as you have been: perpendicular to the wind.  This challenge of footwork and muscle coordination was never quite mastered for me even on the wide "moose" board, but Matt was looking quite coordinated by the time we left the water 3+ hours later.  

(If you are interested in seeing some of the "pros" do their stuff, visit http://kernvalleywindsurfing.com/ and watch the video at the bottom...it will also give you a feel for how pretty our lake is!)

More than the joy of a new sport to learn, we loved getting to know this older generation full of life and passion and new pursuits.  We were surprised as we continued talking with them to learn that many have actually lead very difficult lives.  Eva, forinstance, ran away from Germany as a 24 year old and never returned due to a series of events...she has lived in 5 countries including China, Chile, and Austrailia.  She was married for a short time and is now divorced...she homeschooled her only son who is now estranged.  She has no family close by and travels to Germany 3-4 times a year to care for her aging mother.  She is a self proclaimed protector of the lake and the town, speaking frequently of her disgust at the way that noise laws, pollution, and right-of-way are not reguarded by the "motorboats and stupid jet skis" despite her efforts to volunteer for the lake patrol and other enforcement agencies.  But despite her frustrations, she has chosen actions which serve, give life, and allow her to connect meaningfully with others.  She told me "some people think that a church is the only way to change people and give to others...for me, this lake is my church."  Her understandings may be misguided, but her heart has discovered the truth: giving yourself away is the only way to live a full life.  

After Matt and I had tired from fighting the ever-strengthening winds, the professionals rigged their sails and showed us how it is done.  Impressed is the understatement of the century.  

Beginning...again

7:30 am Pacific time finds me eating a delicious apple and sitting in my living room trying to cool off in front of the AC.  It's not particularly hot outside yet, but between my sunburn and trying to let the desert air cool the bedroom last night I'm ready for some climate control.  Today is my first day in our new home...a little duplex nestled into the hills of Wofford Heights, California.  Among the strangest parts of the move are the fact that my zip code starts with the number 9, the fact that forrest fire development and surf levels are part of the evening news, and the fact that I was ready, even eager, to roll out of bed at 7 this morning (thank you Pacific time zone).  Everything else just feels a bit foreign...except for being with my husband after a 5 week absence.  His presence has been more steadying and a greater joy to me than I could possibly have imagined.

Yesterday as we drove through the California countryside, enjoying mountains, ocean views, orange fields, vineyards, and more types of cactus than I knew existed, we began talking about the fact that a sort of "reset" button has been pushed on our lives.  We have a greater sense of starting over now than we may ever have.  Matt's new job here at Kern Valley High School is a completely new world: replacing the show choir and competition heavy Mt Zion with a school that can hardly comprehend the idea of a "music program."  In the past these kids have taken one year of band to get their fine arts credit needed for college, but have probably never participated long enough to truly improve musically. My job is still very much up in the air but will absolutely be a new experience.  We will search for a new church, new friends, new restaurants, new activities on evenings we are bored.  Although we feel a bit thrust into this new experience we also realize that without some intentionality we will be quickly established in habits and comfort level.  And so we made a list of a few goals for our time here:

1) Find a church where we can serve together
2) Use the great outdoors we have access to (water sports on the reservoir in our town, sequoias to the north, hiking everywhere we look) for regular exercise together.
3) Make hospitable extensions to those we meet and form friendships with a variety of people
4) Get to the beach as often as possible

I made a few goals just for me as well, and one of them involves taking more time for reflection.  A few months ago, on a whim, I remembered this blog and went to the site.  I realized with some awe that I haven't written here since the night before I started PA school 3+ years ago.  Sure, I've done some private journaling especially at times of significance or crisis, but the day to day events that make up a life have gone largely undocumented and unanalyzed in the high paced tunnel that is the past few years.      PA school, graduation, wedding, getting my first job, Casey's wedding, ending my first job, and the call to move across the country have come and gone, seemingly in one large rush without time to stop and observe.  Grad school would hardly have afforded such time, and as we approach our first anniversary I realize how life in Decatur did not offer much "extra space" in which to think or process on my own.  As much as I loved living 4 miles from my parents and with Matt's family (and our new nephew) just a few minutes further, I know we have taken less time together and alone than might be healthy.  Here in California I know that loneliness will be a reality on a frequent basis, but I also recognize that some isolation may afford me what I have been lacking: time with my own thoughts...time to really listen to God's call on my life...and the space to observe the way he can redeem the mundane and seemingly meaningless into Kingdom significant events.  And so, on this first Tuesday in September I return to this webpage in the hopes that spending some time here will be fulfilling for me and perhaps a bit informative for you.  Either way I pray that we would learn to spend our time here in a way that is pleasing to our maker.

Wanted to share a few pics from our mini-vacation to Ventura this weekend.  Matt wisely discerned that we would need some extra time together in a completely relaxing environment after being apart for so long, so he picked me up from the airport and headed to the beach.  We stayed in a diamond in the rough motel he found just a half mile from Ventura pier.  The Crystal Lodge looks like it may be straight out of a fugitive movie from the outside, but the sweet Indian family who run it were delightful, and the room was lovely, spacious, and included a hot tub.  We spent long hours taking in the views, had an incredible romantic seafood dinner on the pier, and relished every moment of the fresh newness of being together again.

On Monday we drove up Route 1 to Santa Barbara and enjoyed brunch, shopping, and beach time.  We also found a place that sold some of our favorite toys: stunt kites.  One of our very first great dates was at a kite festival in Dekalb, and since then we have always wanted to try these again.  The winds and the excited children watching on the beach made it a memorable event...and I only nose-dived into the sand twice.

We drove into our town of 2,000 in the dark last night, with Matt pointing out the sites to me: the post office, the antique store, the store simply titled "Stuff", the one-screen movie theater, Charlie's Market (Charlie is a well-known member of the community, we are told that his good opinions are central to ones social standing here), and a few of the churches Matt has visited.  Walking into a completely new place where your possessions have been for a month but which you have never seen is a strange experience...but there is something very exhilarating about being home.  We have no idea why we were called to this little burg in the middle of the desert, but we are certain that we were called.  We have no doubts that God has designed this place to include us for at least the foreseeable future.  And I am thankful to finally be through the painful goodbyes to the familiar and loved, and ready to put my feet down on solid ground.  I pray for confidence and faith as I claim this new place as home.

Today will consist mostly of unpacking the vast array of boxes and piles.  Matt put the kitchen mostly together when he moved out but otherwise our possessions are much lacking attention.  The house is much larger than our apartment in Decatur, and plainer too in some ways...it will take some creativity and time to make it home.  My favorite parts of it so far are the large eat-in kitchen with lots of natural light, and our tiny "back porch" (really just a strip of land between the building and the property line) from which the milky way and a brilliant patch of twinkling stars are visible.

8:30 Pacific time, and one small goal accomplished.