Wednesday, 8:30 pm
Starbucks
Cinnamon Dolce Latte
Death Cab for Cutie playing in the ear buds
Muscles buzzing from recent work-out
Pondering the meaning of life
It was a day of random intelligence and smoke producing brain exercises. I learned that Salticidae spiders have enlarged anterior median eyes. I also learned that I don’t know how to sing with any amount of vibrato. I also learned that resonance can drastically effect the acidity of organic compounds. Then I headed for philosophy class. It doesn’t matter how much I try to prepare myself for this experience, it is always more of a challenge than I am ready for. I do the reading…I think of possible discussions that will ensue. I create crushing replies to said arguments. I then end up sitting in class with my eyebrows ruffled, reading and re-reading the scribbles on the board and trying to piece together the differences between human rationality, psychology, and morality.
The arguments are as dizzying as they are fascinating. The human brain is complex enough at a biological level. But when you begin to try to understand the interplay between intention, desire, and reason, the web of the mind looks denser than I ever anticipated. In actuality, the idea of trying to pinpoint what makes man “tick” is impossible. And yet, there is a part of each of us that could find such scientific simplicity very attractive. At the same time, we do not trust ourselves to be this predictable. After all…we are man…the only creatures in the world who have not just intelligence but an understanding of consequence, future/past, and even eternal significance. Everyone believes something about the meaning of life, even if there is none…and the process of deciding what we believe is the very foundation of human existence.
If not for an eternal future, why would anyone be moral?? If not for consequences, would any of us ever do what is right? What is the basis for “right” action? Desire? Emotion? Altruism? Cooperation? Self-promotion? Each of these and more are adopted by philosophers of every stripe and color. And no one is any closer to an answer.
I sit in my seat each day, “the Christian”…trying to formulate answers, smart remarks, out of the box and intelligently stimulating ideas. Today I gave up. After all…what use is it to ask more questions…there are enough on the table already. Today I took the liberty of seriously asking myself if I would follow God and His laws were it not for either a fear of hell or a need for His unfailing love. The ideas of faith and belief aside, I cannot think of one other reason to follow Him. It is not rational (unless you consider the fact that my desire to believe promotes my actions, which makes it individually rational), it is selfish (I believe it will promote my own interest), and ultimately it is my fence, my safety net, my way of coping with life. Under the premise of secular philosophy, my actions are very justified; I have plenty of reasons to pursue God. But to me these reasons seem black and insufficient.
Did God intend for me to love and follow Him because I fear punishment?? Did He know that I would use Him as an excuse to cope? Did He understand that were it not for my hope in His faithfulness and His love I would never pay any attention to His existence, let alone His rules?
I feel black. Stripped to my spiritual core by a secular study. And yet, it isn’t secular. It asks the deepest and most complex questions we can ask about the most difficult things in life to understand: our reasons for living.
I am unworthy to be loved when my motivations are so selfish. I feel bad that I am comforted so easily and handed a perfect answer to all of the questions of life. I am confused when I see that the answer is really nothing but a set of questions on a larger, supernatural scale. Yet absent from any way to explain my reasoning, and conscious of the fact that my motivations are completely self-seeking, I do believe. I do place my trust in a truth that I can not feel, touch, or even analyze. And while I know that before this semester is over I will be ridiculed for my lack of “understanding the human plight” I hope that I’ll have the courage to say that I understand it very well…and so does my Father. The only thing more ridiculous than me loving a God that I cannot explain is God loving me, when he sees the blackest, deepest, and most selfish intentions of my heart and life.
And perhaps that is, finally, the thing which philosophy fails to take into account. …something that changes everything and yet is so intangible that it can hardly be considered. Love. That’s what I have that no amount of reason and question can touch. It’s the thing that I feel which requires my attention. It’s the thing that I desire above all else in this world. And it’s the thing which my Lord and Savior gives away without question.
We have come to know and believe in the love that God has for us. God is love, and the person who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. This is how love has been perfected among us: we will have confidence on the day of judgment because, while we are in this world, we are just like him. There is no fear where love exists. Rather, perfect love banishes fear, for fear involves punishment, and the person who lives in fear has not been perfected in love.
We love because he first loved us.
1 John 4:16-19
Starbucks, nearly closing time
Empty coffee cup and an undisturbed book bag still sitting beside me
Norah Jones playing over the loudspeakers
Mind buzzing with the warmth of unreasonable understanding
Pondering the meaning of Love
