greetings.
all in all I'm not really a new year's resolution type of girl. Sure, I've done it from time to time...but I, like most Americans, rarely follow through because the change is scripted and duty bound. But every once in a while, when I have a few extra seconds around me to breathe and take in the scenery, I become aware of a change that I really WANT to make...something that I know will make me tick but that is not a part of my life for some reason or the other. It sounds silly, but blogging is one of those things. Over Christmas break I started realizing that the past semester has been the least introspective for me in quite a while. And I don't like it.
I used to blog, journal, or write letters to myself on a nearly daily basis...and it fed my soul in many ways....but somehow, this past semester I have slipped out of it. I'm an external processor for the most part, I think. Much of my best talking and thinking gets done in conversation, either with others or with a blank page. And while introspection as an entity is often viewed as something done in quiet and in private, I find that while journaling or praying helps illuminate certain aspects of my soul, other parts of my being are best illuminated by a more public introspection. I was telling mom the other day that some of the friends I'm closest to, the ones I open my heart to and spill out my thoughts, feelings, and understandings to, are valuable not just because we share so much but because they cause me to say aloud the things I hold true within myself. Without these closest of aquaintances, who love me for who I am no matter what, I migth never be able to see the schemas and frameworks that I hold true...and, as a result, I might never understand the ways that my actions are governed by these beliefs. I pray that I'll never reach a point where my actions and attitudes are not occasionally reconsidered under the light of scripture, introspection, and the voicing of these thoughts and feelings to those around me whom I trust and love. All this leads me to an invitation, which I suppose I always assumed but have never stated about this site. Cross me if you must, think with me if something I say catches you wrong. I believe that one of the great mysteries of the body of Christ is the way that we must be open and vulnerable before each other in order to grow most quickly towards Christ. If we are not open to each other, not willing to be inspected, crossed, changed in our intereactions, than we may never reap the fullness of the relationships that God places in our path. You may be only my distant accquaintance...and yet, I believe that my greatest failure would be to keep myself closed either from lazyness or fear.
Therefore, i'm resolved to start over...not necessarily because it's the new year but because I've been a bit convicted that I've allowed a piece of myself to get apathetic towards its growth. I write here, and in my journal because I know I must keep an occasional eye on the trend of my thought patterns and actions...and I speak to those of you who I love and trust because I know I need you to occasionally check me. And, straying from the deep and intentional reasons for dialoging with no one in particular, I write here so that some day I can look back and see what God brought me through. May his name always be glorified through my rants, records, and revalations.
Tomorrow marks the first day of my last semester of college. Yes, "spring 09" is upon us...that small little combo that I've been putting on forms and sign ups for years. I've picked out my last class schedule, done a degree audit, and I'm currently living in the last house I'll ever live in during my undergraduate years. I moved out of my parents house yesterday and after unpacking I realized it is very likely the last time that i will live there. In June, Lord willing, I'm off to grad school...and the chances of my moving back are slim to none. It never ceases to amaze me how the big things always sneak up on me while I'm paying attention to details. 2 days ago I returned from choir tour, where my seniority was emphasized at every turn. I'm a section leader, the tour mom, and the go-to-girl for my dad and the choir alike. It was a wonderful trip to the southwest, and one that reminded me of all of the wonderful things that I've been given through this group over the years. My salvation experience was literally a result of sitting in Dad's concert, and physically feeling for the first time, God tugging on my heart. Then there was the year that my Christmas gift was a little suitcase and I got to go with dad all by myself on tour as a 10 year old. Getting to sit in the dressing room with the girls before all the concerts, letting them do my makeup, and seeing their excitement as they finally walked on stage made my days full somehow. And dreaming about someday being one of them was something that occupied a great deal of my time. In the last 3 years, being in the choir has changed the way that I see life, beauty, and the purpose of my future. It's changed the way I view people, my understanding of the value of giving of your soul, and my ideas about art and truth. It's brought me closer to dad, closer to my christian friends in the group, closer to people who think totally opposite of me and who I would never have gotten to know. I'm so thankful for this body, and so heartbroken that starting tomorrow I won't be able to go to reahearsals any more. Physics 2 somehow takes precedent over finishing out the semester with the people and the activity that have been balm to my soul so many times. I'm a bit afraid about returning on tour this weekend for my last 3 concerts. There is no question that I will be a total mess. :)
And yet, in the midst of all the feelings of seniority, it has been a blessing to also experience some very distinct "newness" over the past 2-3 weeks. My relationship with TJ has reached a very different level in recent weeks, as he has entered high school I find myself looking back to see a young man more and more. And he has grown, too, in his willingness to share about his life and ask with real intuition about mine. I'm hoping that this last semester at home will be a great bonding one for us...the one that we look back on when we both have kids as the foundation for our adult relationships. Adult. That huge scary word that simply isn't far off anymore. Time to start paying attention to what will define it. Tour had some "new" as well. We went to the southwest and sang for about 25 members of dad's family in Albuquerque, many of whom had not ever heard the choir before. We sang for my grandpa, who may not see many more concerts. Dad and I got the chance to show the choir a part of the country that many had never seen...the strong mountains, beautiful mesas, and unique pueblos. Such a vibrant and diverse group of people, with a flavor in the food and the culture that is unmatched anywhere that I've ever been. And the tour was littered with more than the usual number of new friends. Three in particular became fast friends...people I've known for a while but never really deeply interacted with. And suddenly, under the sunset of my college carreer, it became clear that they still had a profound impact to make on me. Lengthy conversations, incredible caring, and a sometimes inexplicable compatability made me realize how much I still have to learn from those around me...and how even though I feel like a big fish in a small pond at the moment, I haven't learned everything I need to just yet.
One of the most interesting conversations that I got into while on tour was about the emotional and spiritual overtones that often come with great musical experiences. One of my friends was talking about our closing song, a simple prayer which has come to mean the world to me. It is strangely worded, but about as raw in confession as anything I've ever sung. Many of the kids had expressed that this was their favorite song of all...and several of us have felt the incredible emotion that stems from the beautiful poetry, and the understated but heartwrenching cadences. My friend noted that he really hadn't "given in" to this song yet...hadn't really been able to fully engage his emotions and just let the music take him where it would. And as I asked him why, he commented that it scared him to confuse emotion with such powerful spirituality. "Is it bad," he mused, "to come so close to profound love for Jesus because of a musical experience? Is there something too easy about letting raw emotion be what brings us to the point of confession? Shouldn't there be more?" Of course, the precedent for musicians letting notes become their god is well documented...and yet something in me screams that music can be used by God to draw us to him. I certainly believe that my own salvation rests on that hinge. And yet, his point is clear. There is a part of me that allows that emotion can too easily be what leads us to Christ. We can get swept away in our feelings of insufficency and our need for love, and in the moments when exhaustion and beauty meet, we follow because we really can't help ourselves. Is this how it is supposed to work? Shouldn't the love, the beauty, already exist between our souls and Christ, and the music just mimicks this and makes us joyful? Or can something like music, which I fully believe reflects the face of God, be what actually draws us out of our dry spells and back into the glorious light of his love?
No amount of angle-changing can help me to see how these untangible entities work together. But I do know that thinking it through was incredibly healthy. I don't want a spirituality that is inspired soley by music. And yet, as a person with passion for music in my heart, I believe that this type of truth will always play a strong role in my life. I pray that this instrument will only ever be a guide, however, and that I never attempt to use it as the very food of my salvation.
As a result of these musings, I've been trying to focus on the poem alone for the past few days, and I'll leave it with you now in the hopes that you might use it to set your heart at right at the end of a day in the future.
Jesu, since thou me made and bought
be thou my love and all my thought
and help that I may to the be brought
withouten thee I may do nought.
Jesu, since thou must do thy will
and nothing is that thee may let
with thy grace my heart fulfill
my love, and my liking, in thee is set.
Jesu, at thy will, I pray that I might be
All my heart fulfill, with perfect love to thee.
That I have done ill
Jesu forgive thou me
and suffer me never to spill
Jesu for pity, for pity.
amen.
