A brief review

Getting late and a paper waits...but I just finished a shorter one about 5 minutes ago, so let's call this a "reward". Pathetic perhaps, but interestingly accurate. I find nothing more soothing to the soul than a bit of journaling...for other's eyes or not.

Good day...much rain put my jeans in the "not wet but constantly soggy" category. Not as much fun as could be desired...but hey...schmedibluh. Awesome choir rehearsal (if you aren't planning on attending Vespers...start planning) and a good day of meetings and connections. Got to see Zach and Tina (and yet un-gendered papoose) for a brief little meeting of cards over blizzards and a bit of catch up. They seem to be adjusting well to their new army life, though I'm sure it will take some getting used to. Also had an IV team meeting (one of the last of this semester) and took some time to catch up with a few roomies. Yay for not being tunnel visioned with homework at least once a week or so. Not enough, but I'm working on it.

(Morning Coffee by Bill Cantos playing...out of context at the moment but awesome jazz and witty lyrics nevertheless)

This past weekend was a busy one, with IV Friday night and an IV staff exploration (aka, "any chance you want to come on full time IV staff after you graduate??") day. Said meeting was held in champaign, and Holly and I drove up together (and got quite turned around in the neighborhood of Green street and 6th avenue). The day itself was very interesting, as the thought of pondering anything but "the plan" in my future life is a bit scarier than I originally thought. However, regardless of whether I ever even seriously consider this option, it was a great time of prayer, personal reflection, and bible studies focusing on God's calling on and plan for my life. Great reminder of how often I plan because I know I should or because I want to and not because I am being attentive to the voice behind me. Indeed, I've been thinking much more about how "every plan is a tiny prayer to 'father time'" (as death cab put it...so close to entirely accurately).

I've been greatly challenged by some passages in Isaiah and the Psalms to that end lately, both at the conference and in a conversation with Dennis and Donna a few weekends ago. God is constantly reminding me to trust him lately...reminding me that as I look back on my past and ponder my future I'm not at all alone...reminding me that often the choices that I will make will not be nearly as crucial as the attitude and position of submissiveness that I must put myself in to truly walk in His way.

Hard to imagine that while He has a plan for me, His glory cannot be thwarted by my inability to chose correctly if my heart is truly in His hands. May it be so...I trust my ability to chose rightly and without ulterior motives about a negative eleventeen.

Yet He keeps encouraging...quieting...drawing...and making it quite clear that I am not the least bit in control.

"Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. ....The LORD confides in those who fear him; he makes his covenant known to them. My eyes are ever on the LORD, for only he will release my feet from the snare."
Psalm 25

"'Woe to the obstinate children,' declares the LORD, 'to those who carry out plans that are not mine, forming an alliance, but not by my Spirit, heaping sin upon sin. These are rebellious people, deceitful children, children unwilling to listen to the LORD's instruction. They say to the seers, "See no more visions!" and to the prophets, "Give us no more visions of what is right! Tell us pleasant things, prophesy illusions. Leave this way, get off this path, and stop confronting us with the Holy One of Israel!"

This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, A thousand will flee at the threat of one; at the threat of five you will all flee away, till you are left like a flagstaff on a mountaintop, like a banner on a hill." Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!

O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it."

Isaiah 30

Such amazing words...as bring joy to me like nothing else. I do not deserve such compassion, love, and care...not by a mile, not by a galaxy, not by all the soybeans in Decatur. Wow.

And speaking of Decatur...here I am again...and reward time is over.
thanks for letting me review

Paper...you've met your match

~*~ Savory ~*~

There's something about fall that was made to savor
I've been doing so often of late

Walking through the day with my eyes on the sky and not on my feet...in another few months I'll be on the lookout for ice...but now I'm on the lookout for which tree's hue looks best against brilliant blue.

Sipping hot coffee while it's steaming and begging me to stretch my fingers as far as they'll go around the mug and tuck my toes into the ends of the long legs of my sweatpants.

Feeling the breezes blow harder in corridors made by the buildings on campus...then escaping to a less chilly sheltered spot before ducking indoors.

Observing the little maple tree on my way in the back door. Chuckling a little at it's impressive stature of 7 feet...and shaking my head in amazement at the brilliance and quantity of pigment that are seen in every last one of it's junior sized leaves.

Staying up late on the phone to wait until my toes lose that "cold sheets like permafrost" feeling and finally settle into their cozy cocoon for the night.

Finally beginning to really contemplate "the papers" that must be completed before Thanksgiving break...and wondering how long it will take me to begin actually writing them.

Heading to the balcony for the few minutes that I can stand the temperature at night to ponder the stars, which are made ever clearer by the crisp cold.

Coming home after a long day and turning a boring can of soup into something piping hot and delicious with the help of a pot, a flame, and a bit of Italian seasoning and garlic salt.

Eating carmeled apples with friends and family over a good long chat.

Seeing the roomates congregate in the main parts of the house more than normal because other places get dark quicker and the cold seems to seep in less when there are friends around.

Enjoying the rosy flush that hits my cheeks after a good walk home from class...enough to get my heart rate up but never enough to raise the temperature of my skin.

Calling my mom and talking about plans for Thanksgiving guests...including the cleaning projects and the making of "the rolls". Punch, green beans, and THE famous mashed potatoes will also follow.

Watching kids on campus hold out on wearing a coat for as long as possible, replacing said "winter items" with hoodies, scarves, hats, shirts several layers deep, and bulky sweaters which appear toasty until they meet the piercing wind.

Heading to vespers rehearsal and trying to imagine what the songs will sound like once we finally pack Kirkland and file in under the lights. What it will feel like to pour our souls out to the audience with tidings of great joy to kick off the Christmas season. What it will feel like to pray for the soul of the person next to me, and wonder if they have any real comprehension of the joy and purpose and freedom that can be found in the very words that they are singing.

Aromas, tastes, sensations, friends, dreams, longings, freedom, joy, beauty, life, change.

Fall was made...
and savor I shall

The Train

Friday afternoon...near dusk and a crisp breeze setting in from the north. It's gonna be a chilly weekend.

I'm sitting in the computer lab just prior to running over to the chapel on campus to set up for IV large group. Seems like not ten minutes ago I was setting up for last week. Then again that feels like an eternity ago. For the first weekend in a few Matt's not down which is a bit sad but also probably good for both of our productivity levels. Mom and I and Casey travel to St. Louis tomorrow for a girl's day with Donna...something that hasn't happened in a good couple of years. Very excited to see her/them for a short time at least and get some time away from school. I'm definitely becoming tunnel visioned a bit as I battle through the onslaught of tests, papers, labs, and annotated bibliographies that have been my week in simplified form. Frustrated that I rarely find myself on the couch downstairs with my roomies just vegging for a few minutes because I'm afraid if I sat down I'd get up again sometime the next day.

Time seems to very much be slipping away. Somehow it's Vespers season already and as I watch the blur of the weeks go by I'm more and more aware of large changes on the horizon which are suddenly getting larger rather than staying a bulky and distant thing to view. I'm fascinated that sometimes the best way to keep your mind on the present is to throw yourself into the here-and-now as much as possible. But that is also the best way to end up far down a stretch of road that you don't remember traveling and much closer to the impending decisions, landmarks, and life stages.

I have the pleasure of watching a few good friends who are entering real transition states and watching them do it first. Jill is half way through her first year of teaching and thriving in her position but good at sharing temporary insecurities about being an "inbetween" college kid and adult. Holly will start student teaching next semester and is processing words like "graduation" with increasing fluency. Hillary is preparing to graduate next month and is looking to find her first real job and get married within the year. My academic mentor is gone....graduated and off to grad school and all that lies beyond. Chelsea and Alan are preparing to tie the knot in a matter of weeks. Andrea and Aaron are entering the medical field "for real" in their own ways. And behind me things keep changing too. Casey is college hunting and applicating at every spare minute. TJ is looking at high schools. Christmas has been designated as an "all family" event on my dad's side, with every cousin and brother that the "supertwins" (his mother and aunt) provided him and their offspring making an appearance. Both the twins and their spouses are getting up there in years and though in excellent health overall are experiencing their first real brushes with serious health complications. Though no one will say it, everyone knows that this is potentially the last time the whole family will be together. Hard to fathom. In my mind they are still as young and energetic as they are in my mom's wedding album...certainly "older" but never frail. Never gone.

As I observe the many significant people in my life I'm struck by the presence of a supportive "swirl" of people...who touch me and meaningfully change me as one small droplet in a larger brush stroke. And while they may not know where the next part of the stroke will take them it seems that time is going fast enough that I can watch it happen. I can see their stories in lines and pathways rather than individual chapters.

It's a beautiful view, really. A reminder of the direction and story that accompanies the day to day choices and opinions and tasks and frustrations and relationships and impressions and efforts and joys and blessings. It's just that somehow, when I was younger, I had an impression that life was safe because it was small...controlled...understandable. And while I always longed for adventure and conquest and great acts of courage I always knew that the things in my life were, mostly, constant. There are always parts of life that throw you curve balls, but ultimately my life has been steady and even...privilleged and free...happy and warm and inviting.

And it is....it still is. But suddenly the things that I always aspired to are beginning to make me feel trapped...not in something that I don't wish to do but in a mode of living, a pace of life that I'm not used to living. It's just like it was in second grade. The hill always looks inviting to the ambitious bike rider, but it's not until half way down that you realize that the stakes just got higher...a fall will hurt more, the road might be bumpier, and who knows whether you'll ever make it back to the top. The adventure of the fall is fun, and all that lies beyond "charted boundaries" calls us, but upon arriving we realize just how much we don't know and how much we took for granted back home.

I'm looking for grad schools...something I've wanted to do for longer than I can remember. I'm taking classes that are applicable and I love them...my passion is there, my excitement is there, my desire to help people is there, my love for the new and different is there...but I can't shake a feeling that when I jump I'll never come back. And I can't stop a warning sign in the back of my mind that says "Jump if you dare" from slowing my step just a bit as I approach the edge of the cliff. It looks awesome down there. But so does the rear-view mirror.

And while I ask for more time to make better decisions and to think through things more thouroughly I know that the circumstances won't change for staying longer. I'm not any less inclined now to jump than I ever will be...and I'll be better fit for the journey below if I can get there a bit sooner. And there's no time like the present. And God will meet me there. And it's all about faith. And we have the best road map we'll ever need. And God is faithful. And good things come to those who take a chance. And if you shoot for the moon and fall short you'll at least hit the stars.

But the swirl returns and sweeps away the cliches and the obvious answers and leaves only a few things remaining.

God has called me.
God has prepared me.
God desires glory.
I have that ability.

I will go.

And before I do I will take the time to truly appreciate this golden plateau, which for all its hardships and frustrations has trained and nurtured and developed me without me even noticing. It has primed the brush for my first real strokes; cleaned the gears of the engine; set a course for the first parts of my journey.

They are ready and waiting...but I am not. I still have some time to enjoy the stationary and to revel in the parts that are mundane without allowing them to quench a higher passion. I will. I must.

I'm so scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young.
So I play the numbers game to find a way to say
that life has just begun.

Had a talk with my old man.
Said, "Help me understand."
He said, "Turn 68...you'll renegotiate.
Don't stop this train, don't for a minute change the place you're in.
Don't every think that I don't understand. I've tried my hand.
Quite honestly, we'll never stop this train."

Once in a while when it's good, it'll feel like it should.
And they're there, and they're all safe and sound.
And you'll never know what you've missed till you cry
as you're driving away in the dark singing

stop this train, I wanna get off and go home again
I can't stop this speed it's moving in
I know I can't
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train.

John Mayer

counting

it was a day for counting blessings....not just because there were many but because God put me in a mindset to notice them. praise the lord. Today blessings are not just about a happy feeling, they are about a realization of how little I truely deserve, how insignificant I really am, and how completely and utterly significant I am because of a bridegroom who loves me despite my unfaithfulness.

Tonight I'm thankful because...

~ My studying is paying off in decent grades and, more importantly, learning that really means something in my target field

~ I'm approaching a much needed break

~ I have friends around me who care enough to give me space when I need it and to get in my face when I think I need space but really need connection...the good, messy connection that God places between people with genuine needs, strengths, and sins.

~ I'm bothered by injustice in new ways every day...and begining to look for ways to more actively seek its retribution

~ Its raining outside...a lot...maybe Decatur won't have to get a new lake after all

~ I am surrounded by adults who model strong marriages, friends who teach me what it means to love genuinely, and friends who feel more like family

~ my summer soybean project is drawing to a close

~ my life is filled with music

~ I am able to read and think...and to feel resonnance with truth, even in the most bizzare places

~ I get to see my Jackie dear this weekend...it's been far too long

~ My God does not love me more or less for what I do...I have His love simply by accepting it

its good to count every now and again...to remember not to take these things for granted. to remember that part of living life abundantly is taking the time to notice them.

~tuesday ramble~

random time to blog

it's tuesday afternoon and I got very little sleep last night thanks to a pair of papers that had me running as though from fire tied to my own tail (think Khan in the Jungle Book). However, my Tuesday morning "no class" grace period (which has saved me more than once this semester) was incredibly productive and I have just sent them both to the printer sitting across the lab from me. One is a Biochemistry research proposal, which has seen me in the library searching databases at every spare minute the past week or so. I feel very insufficient to be proposing research that actually matters this much...after all, who am I to know what the scientific community needs??? Nevertheless, I've been sifting through page after page and article after article of past research about beta-blocker (blood-pressure lowering) medicines and have finally found what my teacher calls "a hole". And so...I'm doing it...proposing some research which has never been done before but which might actually matter in a clinical setting in the near future. Scary. Enantiomers and Carvedilol and vasodilation and alpha receptors. I won't bore you with the details, especially since I don't understand some of them... :) The second paper was a physics lab write up of even more boring content but a slightly more understandable concept. Let's hope both show the work I put in on them.

Hard to believe it's mid-October already. Celebrated Jared's home-going a few days ago and marveled at how far God has brought me and wondered why it still hurts this much after all this time. I was at a retreat two weekends ago and the speaker talked a lot about sin, which he says Christians have a warped perception of. He discussed the different types, and focused very heavily on the end result of all sin: death. And he challenged us to view death differently in light of sin...we feel it impact and cut through us because it is opposite of our calling. As we live in this world we can experience parts of Christ's kingdom thanks to his sacrifice, but until the new earth is established, some residues of sin reign supreme. Death, then, should not be something that we fear as we understand Christ's sacrifice, but it should seem out of place and even unfair. Our souls were made for the type of world which is completely saved by Christ's blood, in which sin and death have no place. Christ's victory over death has come, but until he passes final judgment on all mankind, we will not see it completely abolished. And while we can see this as frustrating, we must remember that it is out of love, and a desire to see all men come to himself that God puts us in this "here but not yet" kingdom limbo. Praise Him for his perfect timing...his perfect plan.

It's felt a bit more like summer than anything around here lately. My roomies and I finally turned the AC back on this week as temps pushed 95 again. I'm definitely ready for some hoodie weather. Stuff in the house is going well, and we're all having to learn to be patient with each other's messes. Not just physical but emotional and spiritual. Living together, you can't really get away from whatever messes you carry around with you or leave in the kitchen sink...and that's what makes the relationships good and real and whole. I'm trying hard not to get tunnel-visioned as the only non-music major (and the only one who has to "book study" with increasing frequency). I hope I'm not too self-absorbed.

Last weekend I took a 24 hour pass to DeKalb to visit Matt...my schedule (rediculous as always) did not permit any more time as I had to sing at the homecoming service with U-Choir on Sunday AM. However, we got to have a fun little patch of time together and with a bunch of his friends. The roomate that I met is a sweet guy and they seem to have a very low stress and high fun living environment. We made brownies, enjoyed some "cheese", watched their newest tv addiction "Heroes", made french toast brunch (3 varieties....amAzing), and hung out with a bunch of his music friends. He showed me around campus and I got to see the "sacred" practice rooms and instruments with a few mini-recitals to boot. Much fun. It was rough to leave after such a short time but great to get to catch up and feel a bit more apart of his school life.

Outside of school I've been tutoring a bit and TAing a genetics lab. Both provide a bit of extra cash and a chance to share some knowledge with those a few years behind me. There's something about teaching that is extremely fulfilling to me...I love being able to see kids as they struggle with something and then finally break through into understanding. And I love thinking that maybe something I said or did helped in the process. Good stuff.

One more week and I'll be headed to Nashville on spring break to see Jackie and visit a grad school down there. So much to do before then!! Pray for me that I can take the time I need to work through some personal and InterVarsity issues in and around the school load. God is faithful and I'm learning more and more that when I'm not big enough I start to see him for the first time. May it always be so.

Blessings to you all!!

Reflection on Beauty

The following is a response paper that I wrote for my global studies literature class. It is a study of feminist rhetoric, and one of our first readings was of "Diotima"...a woman quoted by socrates in the days of ancient greece. She left not record of her work personally, but her teaching on the essences of love and beatuy were quite inspiring to me. This response took on "blog tone" about half way through so I thought I'd post it here...enjoy.

It’s maybe one of the biggest problems in our society. And yet it’s one of the things that makes the world go round. Beauty is something that is valued but also abused. It is sought after but also scorned. It is desired and sometimes counterfeited. It is defined so differently by people in the world that often something called “beautiful” can look downright ugly to a person just across the street.

And perhaps, it is this defining of beauty that makes something truly beautiful so hard to find or hard to appreciate. The way that we search for beauty is sometimes in direct conflict with the way to find something or someone that is truly beautiful.
Is beauty a sensation or an emotion?
Can it be seen or must it be thought?
Is it natural or is it produced?
Is it a physical form or a spiritual condition?

Beauty is the reason that people put billions of dollars every year into the fashion industry. Yet it is also the reason that people like the Amish return to the simplest lifestyle imaginable in order to find it again. It can be seen in the face of a baby and in the eye of a storm. It is dangerous, because it can seduce us—sometimes beyond our own understanding, but it is also fulfilling and healing and sweet. Sometimes beauty is not seen at all; it jumps out at us from a page of text or it sweeps through us during a conversation with a person we esteem. But beauty always calls out more than a affirmation and demands a response; sometimes an emotion, sometimes an exclamation of praise, sometimes an interaction with the beautiful thing itself, sometimes a longing for something that we can’t even put a finger on. True beauty calls something out of us and desires a greater emotion than simple pleasure or happiness.

Sometimes a beautiful thing may be dull or shabby. Sometimes something that is very physically pleasing may not be beautiful at all. How do we tell? We can sense it. We know.

For some reason, we each have a deep seeded appreciation for beauty. I see beauty in simple things…and when these things come before my eyes or into my mind I am often caught off guard by a deep emotional connection to something much larger than myself. But sometimes when I see a very beautiful, done up, put together woman or a rich and elegant looking jewel the response is very different. I may see a pleasing image, but I don’t feel the same emotional draw and connection. My step is not lightened and my spirit is not quickened. The draw is tough to explain but it is unavoidably clear.

I love what Diotima says about seeing beauty in all different places. She says very clearly that if men spend all their time looking for a physically beautiful woman they will be very disappointed. After all, there are many beautiful people in the world, and they will soon see that she is only one of the many. She will lose her allure not because she is no longer beautiful but because she is not the only thing in the world that carries beauty with her.

So what’s the alternative?? Seek ugly people? Maybe. Maybe ugly people are more beautiful sometimes. Not because they are more pleasing to the eyes but because they bear a beauty that has nothing to do with physical appearance. We can be drawn to them without the fear of missing Beauty because we are too busy looking at a “shell.” The same goes with the beauty of logic and the beauty of community and the beauty of nature.

Diotima calls beauty, “a connection between the mortal and the spiritual.” She describes it as an overarching entity that has much more to do with a relationship between God and his people than with seeing or appreciating a beautiful article. This is a fascinating definition because it is so simple yet so easy to miss. And it tells me that beauty has nothing to do with seeing a pleasing image. It is a thing that God gave us because he wanted to tell us something about himself. He wanted to draw our spirits and show us a very small piece of his beautiful plan and purpose. He wanted to show us how much he cherishes and longs for us.

I could not agree more with Diotima’s final conclusion:
“It is only when [man] discerns beauty itself through what makes it visible that a man will be quickened with the true, and not the seeming, virtue—for it is virtue’s self that quickens him, not virtue’s semblance.”

As humans, we try so hard sometimes to find a beautiful thing that we lose perspective of the fact that beauty is its own entity. God created many beautiful people, beautiful flowers, beautiful landscapes, and beautiful animals. Humans can create beautiful art, beautiful ideas, beautiful behaviors or actions. But all of these are merely vehicles to show us a small piece of the essence of Beauty. They are meant to be enjoyed and experienced but they themselves are not the soul of beauty. I resonate with Diotima’s claim that the very soul of Beauty is the God of all, who uses its allure and pleasure to call all men to Himself. She says that if we can find this essence we will never again be completely transfixed by the vehicle of the beauty but by the beloved that is ever behind the beauty.

Do I believe this? Can I see that my spirit and my soul are enlivened by the beauty around me? Yes. Undoubtably. And yet there are days when I wonder whether I trap myself by seeking beautiful things above beauty itself. Believing that there is someone greater behind the beauty is one thing, but training my soul to yearn for the maker of the beauty instead of the portrayal of it is something I’m still learning to do.

Yet I have to believe that despite my ability to completely miss the point, God places beauty in my day to day path anyway. He knows I might end up worshiping it rather than Him, but He is willing to place it there anyway because He is so ready to show me Himself.

If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.

Round 3

I'm 3 and 1/2 weeks into school...and I'm already on round three. It is still SEPTEMBER, and I've had three rounds of sickness already. Amidst 70-90 degree weather and blue skies I've been carrying cold medicine and having to take naps. Weird. Round 1 consisted of a virulent head cold complete with sinus pressure, fever, and headache. 3 days after recovery, round 2 popped up, bringing some hefty coughing and overactive mucous membranes. "Recovered" again for 4 days this time, and today I contracted a very sore throat and body aches. Perhaps it was really all just one big "sick" bug...but either way it sucks. Bleh. No doubt about it, I've been thankful on logrithmic scales of late for ramen noodle soup, chai tea, and puffs with lotion.

My household is not fairing much better...between the 6 of us we had several colds, a sinus infection, bronchitus, and the flu in the past week. Campus also has a minimal number of strep cases already. What is going on??

All in all I'm frustrated but not too sick to function. Good thing too, cause the work load has been picking up the pace rapidly. For the first time in my college experience I am forced to stay completely on top of ALL of the reading for two of my science classes. No skimming suffices, and no cliff notes are avaliable (that I know of). My highlighters are getting good use, and the notecard stacks are inches thick already.

On the brighter side, I am thrilled to be learning things that are directly applicable to my medical future. Elated. Overjoyed!! So much fun to be seeing (finally) how chemical rules and interactions create clinical situations. My biochem class is eating my lunch when it comes to grades and the pending research paper...but in subject matter I couldn't be more facinated. This is where the terror that is Organic chemistry finally makes a few connections to what actually goes on in cells, DNA, and protiens. I still say that I didn't need 2 semesters of Organic to get a basis for all this, but maybe time will prove me wrong. Microbiology (that's the study of bacteria for you laymen out there) is a bit easy at the moment outside of some memorization of basic strains and shapes, but I'm sure it will pick up here soon. Physics is requiring some nearly painful scrapes of memory back to junior year of high school (and some dreaming about those days when we could "circle up" to do homework together). A chilled out and not-terribly-socially-akward teacher should make getting understanding not too difficult. :)

Out of the science building I'm in a global studies class called "Reclaiming Rhetorica...Feminist Rhetoric through the ages". It's a lesson in patience every time I walk in the room...I find it so hard to communicate with the professor because we aren't even in the same ballpark of understanding. Her entire premise is of complete equality for all types of people everwhere...including but not limited to gender, race, sexual orientation, etc. Not a bad premise I suppose from the point of view that God created all men and women in his image. But when we say that everyone is the same we are missing the point....and minimizing the beauty of individual, cultural, and gender diversity to an embarassing level. It's not that women shouldn't be given rights as human beings...it's that women were CREATED to be different...and we are robbing them of the ability to see the beauty in their differences. Good stuff for me to process...but I swear, if I hear that professor say the word "liberation" one more time I might have to start throwing my shoes or something. = )

I'm also taking voice lessons (my teacher is thrilled with all my illness as you can imagine...oh for the day when my voice will be normal again) and elbows deep into a new choir year...soo much fun to be back with all these fine musicians and anticipating a GREAT year which will end in a 12 day trip to China and Taiwan (which I have to learn to refer to as the same country before I go over there...) in May. Lots to learn and do before then, but a fun goal to look towards.

With "upperclassmen" thrust upon me like some "made in china" label, I am working through the new meanings of growing up. Lots of leadership in Intervarsity and an increased level of need for a more detail oriented personality. Also taking some leadership in choir and responsible for getting every girl some amount of fabric (preferably that covers her ankles) on her body before our first concert Saturday. This next month will also bring me to my first grad school interview/visit. I'm also being pushed towards chosing a senior research project and advisor for my honors thesis. Crazy times.

Loving the house, and enjoying having the family close enough to grab dinner with occasionally or have Casey over for a sleepover. Praise God for his insight in taking me out but leaving me close enough to help out and be helped occasionally.

Hoping that all of you are having a swimming semester...
Blessings~

Puddle day

It was one of those days

A bit overwhelming and a bit stressful. Lots of work on the horizon for the weekend and my first real look at calling up a grad school and saying "can I come visit?". Crazy. That part was the gloomy part...where the humidity was a bit too much (enough to drink) and the grey clouds seemed to swallow every ounce of vivid color in the world.

But a bit exhilerating too. A great choir rehersal, a breakthrough in biochem understanding, a good Intervarsity meeting, and a good chat with mother and sister both. That part was the puddles part. The parts of the day, and of life I would wager, which we happen upon a smooth pool of reflective particles. And at that point we have a choice. Do we wallow in the mundane and the distressing? Do we notice the undying grey that even the pool itself reflects? Or do we take half a second and enjoy the little bit of pleasure we feel with a satisfying splash??

It's not a coincidence that jumping in is the messier of the two options. Walking around the puddle keeps your pants cuffs drier and your hair more curled. And taking the time on "those days" to find the puddles and optimize them takes a bit more observation. And in the same way, giving energy to "extras" on grey days of life may seem a bit frustrating at first glance. But take a few seconds, or a few more words, or a bit more time, or an extra smile, and more often than not you leave feeling a bit more inspired and enthused than you came. And though you might be one minute late for class or have forgotten to eat breakfast, you'll be more ready to face the grey.

Someone asked me how my day was tonight and I had a tough time answering..."it was a puddle day" I said...and I think they might have taken that wrong. It wasn't a grey day as much as it was a day for makind decisions...and for being willing to put forth the skipping spring that could land me in a slurping, spitting, sparkling splash.

Settling in...

Still a few random posessions which haven't quite found a home
Still no pictures on the walls and too many hair products on my end table
Still trying to sort out how much "mess" will be acceptable in my new, smaller space

But it's getting close...

I moved in a little more than a week ago...I'm now living just off campus in "The Chateau"...a 3 story old house which has been well kept and has a big back yard, plenty of living space, a large kitchen, 6 bedrooms, and only 2 1/2 baths. My room overlooks the back yard on one side and the balcony (which I can access by climbing through the window) on the other. I'm also not facing any streets, which is very nice. I share the house with 5 other girls...all music majors of some kind or other and all very sweet. We've kept the place decently clean and have only struggled to find places to put all of our food.

Since I moved in I've learned:

-If the hamburger is already browned you can't put it in the skillet frozen and expect it not to burn
-Drinking a whole pot of coffee before bed really isn't a good idea
-Modesty is completely optional
-Brownies taste better when you put the eggs in
-The moon can be just as pretty in the city as out of it
-There comes a point in every laundry basket's life where the pleasure of putting it off one more day just doesn't help. On those days, like today, it's best to repeat the Nike mantra and "just do it"
-Money gets spent way faster than you realize it does
-Being a bit overly organized really does help things in the long run
-Having wireless internet is amazing...and an amazing distraction
-Eating more than 4 warm chocolate chunk cookies at a time is not a good plan
-It's easy to live in a house with 5 others and never see any of them...and it'll take intention to set this trend right

I've had lots of visitors in and out to see the house and hang out with the girls. We made cookies one night, made tacos another, watched a movie, chilled on the balcony, and even had a sleepover. It's been fun showing off my place and getting to invite people into my circle of friends. Matt came back this weekend after just a week away, which was fabulous. It was a long weekend so the house was busy and he got to be part of the chaos. Laura and her friend were also home from college for the weekend just in time for Heatherbug's 15th...we enjoyed an afternoon of boating with them and I will see them once more before they leave methinks.

Classes are going well...they will be more difficult but also much more applicable to "real life" (and by "real" I mean "more real" and by "life" I mean "grad school"). I'll have a lot of reading and a TON of study for my biochem class, but everything else looks quite manageable.

This week was NSO (new student outreach) for Intervarsity, which meant mostly that every night there was an event and follow up with new students to get to know them a bit better. We had about 65 people at our first Large Group worship service, which was phenomenal. More wonderful was the diversity of people that we met there who had very differing majors, backgrounds, and religious ideas. Exciting to see some "seekers" come and even hang out afterwards. Creating an inviting environment that isn't overwhelming but still speaks truth is difficult, and we are still working on the kinks. All in all I feel very positive about our first week and the other plans that we have coming up.

I've already contracted my first cold of the semester, leaving me achey and a bit stuffed up. Yet I'm doing my best to stay close to the tea pot and still get some stuff done. It's a beatiful fall day and I'm looking forward to enjoying some time outside. ...once I get that laundry done...

Hope all is well and that you are enjoying your new semester...Blessings,
Morgs

Family Album...I mean...vacation

Driving Home

We’ll spend the better part of 13 hours on the road today as we head across the barren wasteland of Kansas with the mountains to our backs and nothing but sunflowers through the windshield. Colorado and family vacation fade into the distance behind us, where they will wait, seemingly motionless, until we return there again. This year is significant for me because it marks perhaps the last family vacation that I will be a part of for quite a while. Next summer looks busy and uncertain…filled with a trip to China with the choir, a tentative medical missions trip, and quite possibly some remaining visits to PA schools for interviews. After that, my summers will be taken up by PA school, which uses trimesters and thus eats the summer with impressive efficiency.

There’s no doubt in my mind that I’ll be back to Colorado sometime…back to visit the old haunts and explore new rocks and caves and trees and burned out cabins. But my mind’s eye puts me there at least a few years down the road, in a 25 year old body which is in need of a sojourn from the chaos of medical life and returning to its roots after too long an absence. A fun image for my brain to toy with until something in the back of my mind introduces options like “husband” and “no grandparents” into the picture. No way to know what the scene will really look like, but there’s no denying that it may be quite different by then.

We spent 6 days at the James cabin (mom’s folks), two of which were quite cramped due to the addition of my Aunt (mom’s sis), Uncle, and 3 young cousins. Cameron (8), Connor (5), and Creighton (3) are as different as night and day: the sensitive spirit, the mountain man, and the class clown, respectively. Funny how much you can predict the family dynamics of their lives already. The age difference between us and them is somewhat unfortunate, especially since we hardly ever get to see them…but we each unspeakingly adopted one of the little dudes and spent the bulk of time helping them with whatever little projects happened to catch their eyes. Connor and I hit the fishing ponds early one afternoon…I expected his attention to last a full 30 minutes, but I was pleasantly surprised. After a few bites and foiled attempts, he declared “I’m gonna catch that fish…I don’t quit…” Well, ok then…I can work with this kid! J We fished for a good 2 and a half hours before that confirming jerk and splash finally lit his face. It took twice as long as it should have for his half sized pole to beach the 8 inch monster, but he did it. I have never seen such elation. It was barely long enough to keep, but nothing could have persuaded the youngster to place his catch back in the lake. He named it, carried it up to show to the parents, watched grandma clean it (and wasn’t grossed out, even when cutting off the head…again, I love this kid), and then cooked it over the fire, talking nonstop about “how happy he was that he caught a fish.” Precious, beautiful, hilarious. Watching a boy begin to pursue “being a man”…watching a cousin learn patience and reap the benefits, being a part of a memory which will long remain.

The boys and their folks spent the nights in another smaller cabin, but all meals and daytime experiences were shared in the essentially one room cabin and one bathroom. Thus, it was not too much of a traumatic experience for anyone when we left after 2 days, bringing the cabin population back to a healthy 7 people.

The remaining part of our vacation was a bit of a new experience. A distant cousin of my Dad’s has been working on a bed and breakfast in St. Elmo (another small mining community in the mountains) for the better part of 6 years. She and her husband have battled treacherous winters, Colorado’s picky zoning laws, the town’s reluctance to see a new “business” established, and are now just weeks away from a grand opening of “The Ghost Town Guest House”. There are a few doorknobs still to be installed, and some half completed painting jobs, but for the most part the building is as immaculate as it is artistic and inspiring. The 3 story building is essentially a refrigerator box shape with some large windows and a mixture of wooden and corrugated steel (rusted out for a good replication of a rustic storefront) siding. The exterior is artistically littered with old boots, rope, a steam engine, railroad tracks, farming tools, and old license plates. If I didn’t know any better I’d say the thing has been there for 60 years…they have done a painfully thorough job of returning everything to a deteriorated state. The inside is beautiful…all old looking wood, antique furniture, overstuffed couches, old photos of the town, huge windows, large area rugs, claw footed tubs, and wooden armoires. As they took us on a tour we were amazed to hear the stories of the décor. Some came out of dumpsters, some out of attics, others from flea markets and hole-in-the-wall resale shops. Much of the wood trim came from old high school bleachers, the porch railings were constructed from electrical posts, the slate kitchen counters were crafted from old schoolhouse blackboards.

The couple themselves compliments this homey and artistic atmosphere with incredible accuracy. She is the ultimate host…prepared, talented, and relaxed. She loves to talk, she loves to cook, she delights in preparing things to perfection. He is an intellectual, a story teller, and a fabulous hiking guide. Whether we were sitting in the tall, airy dining room around the cook stove or up in the sitting room looking at family photo albums or out on the trails looking down over the streams and mountains they were always looking to help, to entertain, and to delight in life. Such a breath of fresh air for me to see these people (who by the way have had quite difficult lives) and the way that their giving rejuvenates and excites them. I want to be like that. I want to find the thing which helps people so much that I can’t help but throw myself into it.

My dad’s parents and sister met us there, along with our cousin, Bryan (16). We enjoyed two days of great food, card games, mountain hikes, picnic lunches, and family catch up. We were spoiled immensely by the scenery (see facebook for the pictures) which included a waterfall, some beautiful streams, and craggy rocks. We were far enough away from most all of civilization that we could explore at will. The kids spent a whole afternoon hiking straight through water, forest, and wilderness…somehow able to imagine that we were the first to pioneer its rugged and surprisingly tranquil beauty. We climbed rocks, used trunks as bridges, discovered old mine shafts, skipped rocks, tried to identify animal prints, and reveled in the splendor of untouched creation. I’ve been blessed to see a fair amount of the world for someone my age and I’m convinced that these mountains are some of the most magnificent sites in the world, even next to castles and cathedrals.

My grandma brought several of her family scrapbooks along with her. She is constantly working on one of them…some are of very recent experiences, others date back to the early 1900’s and map out the family tree. One of these found its way to my lap last night and I perused it slowly, looking at great great grandparents with a curiosity that’s hard to explain, as if looking harder would bring them off the page and make them introduce themselves. Got a better feel for my ancestry and then moved gradually into the familiar faces…my grandmother and her twin, their engagements (within one day of each other) and weddings, their collective 10 children. Had fun looking at pictures of my Dad crying in a snowsuit and smiling in little overalls. I compared the features of my grandpa, uncle, and father with interest, trying to draw out which of the visual genes had made it to their children, including myself.

I’m more and more aware that these people, who speak into my life with infrequent but profound volumes, will not always be here. Due to the distance between us I’ll never know as much about them as I’d like to, but I’m realizing how important it is to try to connect, to learn, and to give back. Family can so easily be taken for granted as “the ones who come for Christmas and send a check at my birthday”…but there is so much more there…lives that I have common ground and genes and relationships with. Better not let those slide by. And then, I realize that some of those same types of people currently ride next to me in the car. People whom I assume that I am close to but sometimes don’t really take the time to know. Such is the blessing of family vacation. A chance to relax, explore, and really talk with these people who are such a direct foundation for my life whether I take the time to acknowledge it or not.

Tomorrow night we’ll be home, preparing to jump back into work, research, painting, and moving…looking forward to school which is approaching with ominous speed. But for now, I’m still on vacation and contemplating the experience with delight. Thanks Lord for the time, the people, and the place.

On the road again...

Mountain air
Pine trees
Humming birds
Rushing streams

Ahhh...Colorado again...

There's so much about this place that I want to replicate and package and bring back for all of you to see. And yet, as much as I run around with my Kodak sureshot and my sketch pad...as much as I attempt to memorize the sights and the smells and the sounds of this patch of God's earth, I fail all the more. And perhaps that's the point...the making of the duplicate would be the end of the wonder, and in the process of capturing as much of it as possible I run the risk of missing the experience all together.

And so, instead I sit back and re-live every memory, re-walk every trail, re-fish every stream to my hearts content like I've done since I was 5. The past 3 days have been ripe with bright sunshine, afternoon rainshowers, evening games with the grandparents, and fishing trips to the streams. We have eaten grandma's cooking (which is very good for the most part and only has a few landmines every now and again...ex. yesterday's lime jello/cottage cheese/celery/onion/pecan salad) to the point of bursting. We have walked in the wilderness and dreamed. We have gotten dirty and showered only when absolutely necessary.

Casey, who is soon to be a senior, is getting ready to take senior pictures and as she begins this process I've agreed to take an assortment up here. I may not have the professional look, but even I get lucky every now and again if I take enough pictures (so far we've snapped over 500). ...And of course we have the benefit of all the time in the world and the best backdrops you could ask for.

The family will sing in church on Sunday as we do every year...people stop us down by the stream just to make sure. The people who keep coming back here every year love tradition and old times. It's the blessing and the curse of a community like this, but it sets the tone for everything that goes on. The fact that most people up here have heard most of the stuff we know how to sing, and have bought our old CD and keep it on their shelves dutifully doesn't make them less hungry to hear an old friend's grandchildren raise their voice in song. We don't mind...though it is certainly not the same experience that it was when I was in 3rd grade and all I needed to do was walk on the platform to be declared "the best there ever was." Still, the privillege of being involved in this simple worshiping community with such regularity is humbling. The town hall only seats about 100, but upwards of 120 can be found on any Sunday morning. Some members of the town will quickly correct you if you refer to the building as "the chapel"...but it's hard to deny the strong presence of a church in the rough hewn building furnished with standing room only.

On Monday my Aunt, Uncle, and 3 little cousins will join us here for a couple of nights...then my family will head to another small mountain town (8 miles as the crow flies but a 2 hour drive) to meet my Dad's parents and sister for a 2 day visit. Until then, we'll enjoy the lazy ebb and flow of mountain towns with only a few worries per day.

Streams to fish.
Pictures to take.
Books to read.
Picnics to eat.

Ahh....Colorado again...

Summer days

Greetings from sunny July!!

It happens every year I'm finding...something about the slightly less stringent schedule and the gradual increase of free time over the summer leaves me often with not the slightest idea of where the time has gone. Summer is half way over now, and it has been a blast!!

The weather has only been intolerably hot for about a week this summer...surprisingly the rest of it has been very nice, with good thunderstorms to keep things cool and give Laura and I something to watch and/or run in on the weekends.

WORK TIME:
In addition to my soybeans project, I've been gradually getting back into working at the hospital. This is not nearly even part time work at the moment, but keeps me busy and adds a little extra cash flow. I like keeping my toes in the water a bit at least and oiling out the squeaky joints that I seem to have acquired over the past few months in the area of patient care under stressful circumstances. My love for and fascination with people keeps me going through just about everything there I'm finding...which is nice seeing as I'd like to sink my career in a similar environment.

I've also been shadowing at a local doctor's office, sitting in with both the MD and the PA who work there. It's been a blast to be taught by them, welcomed into their practice and knowledge base, and get to see a bit of a new angle when it comes to my future job. Because of the lack of regulation over PA's in general, there are many many areas which they specialize and/or focus in depending on their interest and the needs of the doctor they assist. Definitely not an easy job but I like the variety that I see in the people I have observed so far...all those bodies certainly keep them on their toes.

The house is finally painted...and despite the constant questions of whether we made the right decisions I think it looks great. Trim still needs to go in, along with a wood floor in the living room, but for now construction is over and we are looking forward to some sense of normalcy in the house for the next few weeks.

PLAY TIME:

We've had some great times hanging out with people lately...helped Jill get moved into her new rental out in South Shores, had awesome Indian food made by Mrs. Cheryl on the fourth of July, had the Higgins over for dinner and games, and had some various birthday parties and movie nights. Never a dull moment. I'm really enjoying the chance to kick back and relax.

I've also had some fun figuring out some of the stuff for my new apartment. I'm gathering things to move over there gradually (all the essentials: coffee maker, hangars, desk, etc) and on the lookout for good deals that I might be able to use. It's a little weird to be finally moving out, and very exciting too...especially with the knowledge that I can pick up and move back home for a night whenever I want to. I have great roomies, but I'm sure there will be a few times this semester when 6 girls in a house is just a bit too much estrogen. :) I'll be painting there a bit right before I move in, but for now I'm just puttering a bit.

TRAVEL TIME:

I've been out to see Matt's show twice in the last month, once with my family up near Chicago and again with his family in Madison, WI. Both were short trips that involved long drives and minimal talking/seeing time, but both were very fun. Nice to see what this crazy thing called drum corps really is and get to meet some of his buddies and see the show. I tried hard to have a critical eye but alas I find that my musical instincts die quickly as you move from vocal sounds to a different instrument. At any rate, I enjoyed getting to see him even for just a few minutes and was pretty jazzed to see how the whole thing worked out. I can confidently say, however, that I do not envy him for his 90 days of living on a bus with 45 guys. Decatur sounds pretty good for me... :)

This weekend I head to Ft. Wayne, IN to visit Faith. She's been wanting me to come up to "her lake" for about a year now, so Marc and I are hitting the road and staying over a couple of nights. It will be great fun to see her again and get to hang out and chat and sunbathe. Not quite the DR, but it's close enough.

When I return, I will have 1 day to work and pack before we depart for Colorado for 11 days. This will take us up to the cabin that we always visit, but also to a small town about 20 miles away, where my other grandparents and my aunt will meet us at a bed and breakfast for a few days. It will be great to see them (it's been more than a year) and catch up in the beautiful mountain air. Looking forward to fishing, taking pictures, reading, journaling, and being away from technology. Mom's parents have been vacationing there for more than 30 years now. There is solace in that place which I can hardly describe...it makes me wonder if someday I'll take my family there. I hope so.

Well, I'm sitting here and there is much to be done, so I'd better scoot...hope all is well in everyon's summers. Hopefully sometime soon I'll be able to sit down and compose a blog that focuses a bit more on thoughts and feelings and struggles and joys and a little less on schedule. But for now, this should keep you updated.

Blessings~
Morgs

choral soy and paint skiing

Mid June and I'm still settling into the pace of summer. So far it has been awesome...tons of time to see people...a good paying but low-stress job which I'm enjoying. Self declared hours and a slightly unscheduled but productive pace.

My beans have popped out their 5th trifoliate (almost all of them) and are getting ready to flower. In the next two days my prof and I are going to head to Champaign and visit the U of I to borrow some supplies (nets, beetle traps, and a photosynthesis machine more technical than Millikin's) and talk to the team over there that did some similar research a few years ago. In many ways I feel out of my league in a research field...especially since I don't plan on spending much of my life investing in this area. But there is something pretty cool about science in this area...that thousands of people are heading up different projects all over the world...publishing numerous articles which may or may not ever be read by someone who needs the information. But this data production over time builds up into a wealth of knowledge for the good of science as a whole. So much work over so many years...and still so much more to go, but it's progress. There's got to be a life lesson in there somewhere.

Since I'm not working regulated hours and my professor has been out of town a bit recently, I've also been helping dad out at the office. He is drowning in loose copies of old, new, and still-being-considered music, and has a familiar (to me) way of throwing things into organized piles and suddenly ending up with very unorganized mountains. We are sifting through it all enough so that he can move some furniture and get organized for the year...then eventually I'll be sent to the dungeon of the choral library to sort, organize, and re-find 35 years worth of choral repertoire...which seems to slip out of alignment despite the computer and call system designed to keep it in order.

The family has also been preparing for the evidently traumatic experience of painting the upper level in our house. While my father is quite handy and the family quite excited about the prospect, we are evidently allergic to the thought of changing that many features of our household. I keep trying to explain that the cool thing about paint is that it can be painted over...but no one seems to think that this is a good way to justify the Nike mantra, "just do it."

We have looked at every paint swatch and spectrum in every hardware store in town. We have studied rugs in warehouses, stores, and online galleries. We have debated wood or white trim and been seen moving long strips of baseboard to different parts of the house, setting them up in their proposed spaces and taking in the view. After 3 weeks of considerations and debate we have finally made a grand victory. We bought a rug. One rug. 30 square feet of wool and (scary movie music here) color. My mother tells me that this decision will catapult us into making the rest very quickly and that paint will be on the walls in a matter of days. My money is on a date in mid July...or sometime in November.

Don't let me fool you with all of my talk of progressive projects and hard work...there has been plenty of time for play the last few days as well. We have been out on the boat quite a bit recently...stretching out the old muscles and trying to get them used to the glorious strain of water sports. I learned to drop a ski the other night and actually slalom skied for a few minutes. Much fun and a good new challenge. I also grudgingly jumped in the water with a wake board for a few minutes, determined not to let my humiliation from last summer keep me from ever trying it again. My success was approximately the same as an elephant who tries to climb a palm tree, with phrases like "face plant" and "dead weight" being used frequently. Oh well...you can't say I didn't try.

Good chats with some friends of late, catching up on the past year and talking about the present struggles and future choices, responsibilities, fears, and anticipations. It's amazing to already be talking about grad school...to be having real conversations about where we will live, when we will marry, and where our careers may take us. We all pray to stay true to our God and to follow him fully. We all desire to respect our roots but learn to truly chart our own course. We already see that we will pursue this in drastically different ways. Our lives will not follow the same imprint, neither will our choices and values reflect the same priorities. It is scary to think that in 10 years we may even see choices made by people we grew up next to that somehow seem completely off base. We must continue to pray that God will give us grace to see beauty and value in this diversity, while also giving us the courage to stand up to the challenges and decisions he has placed in front of us individually.

Well, enough blabbing for now...I'm off to get ready for bible study tonight...perhaps I'll eat some choral soy on the way as well. Its pretty good for you I'm told.

Blessings~

Unpredictable

Greetings all.

I came up with a random copy of the first Caedmon’s Call CD a few days ago through my mom, my sister, and a yard sale. Old-school album from the good old days when the man, the legend Derek Webb wrote most of the tunes and Wayne Watson (random old friend of dad’s) was the executive producer. The music is very rough hewn…and the album an odd combination of 90’s radio classics, Webb tunes which I first heard in re-arranged forms, and unknown songs which might well become favorites over the next few days. I’m weird…when I get a new album it often becomes my only musical input for days at a time. It takes me that long to process the lyrics, analyze the music, and give the mood of the collection a rating. So far this one scores pretty high, but I’ll let you know about the final appraisal.

The Millikin internship is going very well…and by “very well” I mean it’s hardly going at all. My advisor took off for the Galapagos islands about a week and a half ago and has yet to return…and since soybeans only grow so fast, I’m finding myself doing a lot of checking, watering, and weeding…and not much else. As the summer progresses I will be much more caught up in working on nets, beetles, damage, and data collection. But for now, the “job” is really more like being CEO of a company whose building is still under construction.

I had hoped to be working at the hospital during these two weeks but the boss is not calling back and so I am accepting the break gratefully. I think God knew that I’d be needing this respite…indeed, the past week has been filled with more sleep than I thought that I’d ever need and even a bit of a head cold. Guess the old body was running a bit more “on empty” than I realized.

I’ve been using the extra time for some unpredictable yet necessary “life maintenance” tasks.

Oil changed (catching up with a “new” set of friends…all the old church buddies)

Washed and waxed (room finally cleaned and text books put on half.com)

Tires rotated (more attention given to family and friends than to schedule)

Brakes and tires checked (looking ahead to summer trips, budgeting, and grad school)

Gettin’ gassed up (planning and beginning new reading materials…some re-reads and a few newbies)

I also found, on a random trip to the Millikin computer lab the other day, that I had about 300 free pages left to print on my account. After wracking my brain for what to use them on I set out on a bit of a project to reformat and print all of my blogs to date. That’s right…Morglopedia is now in hard copy, and residing somewhere in the bookcase in my bedroom. Who knows…it might never be opened. But I realized the other day that too much of my life is stored in these writings to just throw them away or hope that they will always be accessible on the world wide web. Maybe I’ll want to read them when I’m 60. Maybe I’ll give them to the grandkids. Maybe the dog will chew them up. I don’t know, but the point is, now I have them. = )

In addition to the personal projects, the family has been quite busy this past week with company. My girls (Holly and Jill) from Millikin came into town to help mom with the Children’s Choir camp on campus this week. In the mornings, they herded 81 kids around campus, but in the afternoons and often too far into the evenings we enjoyed some great “play time.” We hit putt-putt, had several movie nights, went boating and introduced them to water sports, smoked cigars, watched stars, played games, and had some great conversations in the mix. All the activity promoted the building of friendships with some of the Riverside kids…I was thrilled to watch the two groups meld so easily. I have fabulous friends. The girls are gone now, which means we can walk through my basement again but also means I’m suddenly without two of my “sisters.” Bittersweet for sure.

I’m looking at 4 more days till my professor hits town again and so I’m hoping there will be a good amount of catching up with people again this week. The summer is pretty open really…and I’m interested to see where it will lead me. Already I find my brain pleasantly filled with thoughts and issues to sort through. Memories, strength, spirituality, friendship, personal motives, security, future plans, missions, pride, poverty…the list seems not to end. Let it be.

In the past few weeks I’ve been making scrapbooks for a couple of friends who are in transition periods at the moment…trying to draw together old pictures along with some scripture, quotes, and captions. I came across this quote, which has challenged me perhaps more than the kids I gave it to.

"Security is mostly superstition.
It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it.
Avoiding danger in the long run is no safer that outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or it is nothing."

Helen Keller

It strikes me that security is really a longing which my heart may never realize. And then it strikes me that to be truly secure would be the worst thing in the world. Why would I want a complete guarantee that my life was “in the bag” regardless of my actions? Such a promise would stop me from pursuing, discourage me from learning, and eliminate the presence or need for motivation. What a blank life. What a scary abiss of an existence. Surely the God who made us…who sees us tempted, frustrated, scared, and out of control, understands this to be the only way that we will begin to look for Him. We cannot “find” him…we cannot secure complete understanding of His provision for his followers. But we can feel insecure. We can feel desperate. We can feel afraid. And this is what causes us to jump off a cliff, to follow the impossible, to keep asking questions, to continue to seek something much greater than our own lives. A “daring adventure,” then, is not a blind leap into oblivion for an adrenaline rush and a few bruises…it is a plea for something which puts the randomness of life into some perspective and shows us the way to live with purpose. Not security…not a blanket and a wad of cash…true freedom that comes from knowing we live accountable to a higher calling.

Life is unpredictable…but even for my fear of heights I’d rather have that cliff than a warm bed and a “security deposit.” Bring me that horizon…

People vs potting soil...

I knew it had been a long time since my last post, but when I opened the browser and saw May 6th staring me in the face I was flabbergasted (which by the way might be the most fabulous word in all creation…).

It’s bad enough that I don’t remember more than a week passing since I last wrote…but it’s worse to note on a moment of reconsideration how much has actually happened in my life since then. Am I suddenly so far on auto-pilot that I’m losing touch with my own life’s story?? Heaven forbid. At any rate, it’s all coming back now and I’ll take this chance to use some full sentences in this post (which is something this page has lacked considerably over the past few months).

School ended well, with a great amount of stress but a sense of accomplishment that few other sensations can rival. Even Organic chemistry, which has been the bane of my existence these past 9 months, seemed moderately understandable (but perhaps that’s just because multiple choice tests are falsely comforting at times). As the week passed, I said goodbye to many friends for the summer…an event that is becoming common place and was not at all threatening. That is, until I realized that I was half-way through college. There’s nothing that seems to cue change like finally becoming comfortable with something. It’s as though God understands how hopeless I am at feeling superior and independent when I know what’s coming—it’s then that He consistently changes my view. In another year, I’ll be full steam ahead in the grad school search and wondering what happened to my college life. Lord, may I not take any of it for granted.

Matt came home right in the middle of finals week…an event that made time management not only impossible but essential. All things considered, I think I did pretty well, taking some much-needed breaks but blocking out intense study sessions as well. He did a good job keeping me on task but we also got to watch some movies and meet up with Zach and Tina a bit. Once I finally left the books behind we did a lot more catching up, game playing, talking, and hanging out with friends.

In the midst of this fun, I also began my summer research internship at Millikin by hauling 28 bags of potting soil to the 6th floor of the science building (no small task, even with an elevator) and planting 168 pots of soybeans in the greenhouse. These little beans represent my entire summer. I will water them, care for them, shelter them…then promptly succumb them to a large amount of damage via Japanese Beetles and hole punches. My charges will not die (at least I hope not) from this impediment, but hopefully it will tell me some things about how herbivory effects photosynthetic rates and, consequently, the overall growth of plants.

This job is going to be very different from my work at the hospital. In place of people, I get potting soil, and in place of coaxing, feeding, and cleaning, I will focus on creating life and then destroying it in varying ratios. Its going to be weird not constantly running up and down hallways, calling for nurses and measuring urine outputs and trying to bathe cantankerous women. I will likely see a maximum of 4 people during any given day. But the job will also give me lots of time to think, pray, listen to music, and do some manual labor. I’ll still work at the hospital in fits and starts if I can ever get ahold of my boss…but until then I’ll be content with my seedlings, praying that they grow strong.

Exactly a week after Matt arrived home, I left for Intervarsity training on the upper peninsula of Michigan. He left for drum corps while I was gone, and both of us shook our heads a little at the madness of going back to “long distance” so soon. Lord, guide our paths.

“Chapter Focus Week,” as it is called, is an intense week of training for chapters in a 5 state area. Our particular week housed more than 500 students and staff on two separate campuses for track training, team planning meetings, chapter prayer times, vision casting, evangelistic training, staff workshops, and large group worship and exposition. My main occupation for the week was sitting down with the 5 other members of core leadership at Millikin and working out a new vision for our next year together. This involved much evaluation, prayer, and planning for new ideas, new tactics, and new understanding of the calling we have on Millikin’s campus. It’s so hard…so easy to get caught in ruts and feel overwhelmed and helpless. It’s such a big job…things we have tried so hard on in the past just haven’t worked. Yet in other areas, God is opening up wide doors. We prayed a lot about learning to capitalize on these opportunities, about making new connections, about being agents of justice and compassion on campus. After hours of debate and planning we finally agreed on a cohesive focus and some main events, as well as themes for large groups, prayer meetings, outreach events, small groups, and retreats.

In the midst of the intense planning sessions, we also got a great chance to connect with each other on some very deep levels. It’s amazing to see how connection on the volleyball court or over some inside joke can play into meetings and other tasks. And, in the same way, as things got discussed and worked out in formal settings, our informal time became even more enjoyable. We marveled at the way God brought our diverse and dynamic group together into a unified and encouraging team. We laughed, we cried, we stretched our minds together and then competed on the soccer field. It was not a peaceful, restful week…but it was renewing and invigorating and frustrating and encouraging all at the same time.

I’m now home again, trying to get my life in order and realizing that summer is officially started. I’m so privileged to be home so much this summer, working hard and really having time (I hope) to connect with the people here…friends, old and new, and family. I checked on my soybeans today and found all but one of them growing well. Here’s to summer!!

See ya on the flip side...

Last full week of sophmore year is staring me in the face. Finals are sitting in yet unstudied piles. Knowledge is beginning to ooze out my ears...

Monday: Last test before finals...last day of core classes

Tuesday: last chem lab EVER (:-D), singing in recital

Wednesday: Dead day (meetings, pancake breakfast at 10pm, star wars marathon, and...oh yeah...studying)

Thursday: Jurries and, yep, more studying...also mom's B-day

Friday: Spiders Final and lab writing

Saturday: Molec and Cell, Philosophy final

Tuesday: Organic final


It's almost over!!

fragments (and a few accompanying thoughts)

--Super stressed out (but only 2 more organic tests in my life...)

--spider collection done!!! (no more keying, labeling, or hunting)

--not sick (just imagining that there is pain in my sinuses and my throat is on fire)

--only 1 week of classes left (mild amounts of trepidation outweighed by sheer excitement)

--communication skills on several fronts lacking (hoping I don't hurt too many people)

--sleep in small quantities (come on summer break!!)

--loving spring like never before (amazing how it seems "new" every year)

--many papers to write (almost done with semester labs!)

--beautiful day (i want to go fishing and play frisbee)

--time seems to fly (only two more years of college??)

--God is good (I am a constant failure but He is always drawing me back again)

--Ice cream and coffee are amazing (how else is one to survive?)

--Praise God tomorrow's May (what else can you say?)


peace to all~

We Remember....

April 26th, 2006

"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." ~Jim Elliot

Outline of Me

MORGAN'S LIFE THIS WEEK
Outline, draft 1

1) Super crazy week, tribute to the fact that its almost May
a. Lab finals and practicals
b. Organic test
-"the widowmaker" (as quoted on syllabus)
- class average? 40%
c. Presentations and papers due...some are the last ones till finals week!

2) Looking ahead
a. Lots of concerts and recitals to attend
b. Spider collection nearly complete
- needing taxonomy/ collection labels
- only 2 more specimens to go!!
c. People already talking about coming home
d. Summer research about to get underway
-soybeans to be planted soon
e. Planning for end of the year events
- choir recording sessions and picnic
- Sunday school picnic and church potlucks
- jazz and choir auditions
f. Invitations on my table = summertime is almost here
- about 10 grad open house invites
- 4 or 5 wedding invites
g. Brainstorming about summer bible study and what to study on

3) Trying to rest
a. attempting to prove that, contrary to popular opinion, I am NOT nocturnal
-lots of coffee involved
-creating a "i never sleep before 2 am" club
b. making an extra effort to be involved in family stuff, despite schedule
- Casey's prom next weekend
- TJ's speech contests
c. taking time to walk in the spring air, even if just a few minutes
- Frisbee sessions on the quad
- spider hunting in the back yard
d. working on learning how to nap

Conclusion: I am blessed beyond measure to live this life and attempt to use it to God's glory. No matter what I must always strive to keep this as my focus. He is the author of my life and the finisher of my faith.

Let everything that has breath praise the LORD!!

How to be cool...A HANDBOOK

Today during senior honors seminar day, Faith and I were talking to a friend of ours from choir, who decided to sit with us because he thought it would increase his cool factor. Faith and I laughed at him...and taking pity on us, self-declared dorks that we are, Zack wrote out the following...which I thought was too priceless not to publish.

HOW TO BE COOL

...a handbook....

1) Wear your sunglasses inside and/or after 6:00 pm

2) Be purposely late for EVERYTHING!

3) Leather chaps...YES

4) Shorten your name by at least three letters

5) Constantly take pictures of yourself (and put them up on billboards if at all possible)

6) Make a facebook group about yourself....you need to know who is cool enough to like you.

7) Laugh at your own jokes. Other people may just not realize how funny you are.

8) Remember, even though you're not at the party, they are still the ones who are missing out!

9) Don't play by the Rulez...



Zach Devin everyone...kind of a big deal! =)

Hope this helps you as much as it has me...people are already coming up and asking for my autograph with stunning frequency. Course, I was a big deal to start with.

Patches of heavy fog...

busy day + lots of stress = confusion and general fog

productive afternoon
lots of tests coming up
Intervarsity stress, due mostly to my lack of organization
lots of responsibility...honoring but chaotic
talk about housing next year...budgets, credit cards, painting, subleasers...huh??
end of the year "haze" setting in...
adrenaline rushes that come and go...cutting through the above mentioned haze occasionally
IV meetings
voice jurries approaching
final concert done...now for recording
papers to write
tutoring needed in Organic
family in need of a little more of my presence and less of my "morning grumpy pants"
battling the ebb and flow of school...hurting people, busy schedules, and no time outdoors
looking ahead to grad school
preparing for summer internship
trying to balance friends, meetings, homework, church, boyfriend, and an "others" centered focus
trying to figure out what's worth stressing over and what's worth letting go



This morning 32 people were violently murdered by some guy in VA. The pain of their families. The hurt inside the guy who did it. The endless tunnel of violence that seems to be eating away at society. My fog is just a small part of a much greater one. Lord, may I never be so foggy that I can't help those around me....that I can't make an impact or be a witness to a higher purpose and calling.

Waiting for sunny skies...which I know are actually just behind all this condensation.

Risen

I forgot how much I love Easter...how many parts of the celebration bring joy and peace and pain all at the same time. Renewal through death. Life via suffering. Joy in the face of trial. What a wonderful, amazing event...and how amazing that it is more than an event...it is a way of life.

Sorry for the intensity of the last post...God continued to teach me a lot this weekend and I am so thankful for His faithfulness.

The weekend held a host of happenings. Lots of catching up with old friends as I was finally home and on break for an extended period at the same time as everyone else. Shopping and hanging out with Laura and Heather, good phone convo with Jackie (who wasn't able to make it home), catch up of the last several months with Andrew, dinner with Matt, movie and bowling and Brian Regan with Zach and Tina, talk about "real life" with Annie and Aaron, walk in the park over hot tea and open hearts with Laura. So many people who touch my life in such strong ways despite the ever-widening distance between us. Thank you Lord.

Got to enjoy a lot of cool music this weekend...some that I was a part of and some that I simply watched. Dad worked hard to bring together a veritable explosion of musical genius, complemented by Casey's ability to play every instrument known to man. =) Good Friday service of contemplation...Sunday service of ultimate joy. Good stuff.

Sunday afternoon we headed to Costerisan's to join the church gang for more food than should ever be allowed in one house. About 25 people including friends that feel like family, a couple of Millikin kids who stayed on campus for the weekend, and some older ladies from our church. Such an amazing group. We ate, talked, played games, and just enjoyed each other.

Heather persuaded her parents that they stopped having easter egg hunts a little too early...so the dads reverted back a few years, drug about 150 plastic eggs outside, and began hiding them. As the 15 kids (ranging in age from junior high to late college) headed into the cold outdoors, it all came flashing back. I had visions of my childhood years, of the ever frustrating wait to finally be released from the threshold of the deck onto the lawn; of bounding across the yard, searching out a slip of color coming through the light green surroundings. Me in a frilly dress and patent leather shoes and a really obnoxious hat. Me desperate to find more eggs than the other little girl peering around the woodpile at the other end of the yard. There is an immediate decision that one must make. Do I move quickly in order to cover the most ground or do I search thoroughly so as to find every last egg in a given area?? Greed battles perseverance and the fight usually leaves me running in circles. No different on this day, despite the 12 years that have passed since then. The energy was just as high, the challenge comfortingly similar, and the joy of frolicking around egg-laden swing sets just as fun.

The kids took a walk around Mt. Zion when we got tired of eating chocolate...ended up standing in the medians and posing every time a car drove by. Dorks, every one of us...and loving every minute of it! We did have one encounter with an expletive-hurling guy, who took the time to back up just so he could be sure to curse every one of us. I guess some people get enjoyment from odd behaviors. ...And perhaps I'm speaking to the choir? No amount of F-bombs could dampen our spirit though...we had a fun time despite the PG-13 rating.

We stayed at the house till after midnight...watching an old version of "The Choice", an easter musical that Riverside used to put on. Interesting to view, and to filter through a distant but vivid memory of viewing it myself. At that time, I knew hardly anyone on the stage, but now, looking back on it all I could see who I was watching...see how many of them have had such a huge part to play in my life not just logistically and scheduling wise, but spiritually and emotionally too. It was fun to watch them all as youngsters and see how they have changed and how they are similar. Fun to watch Dennis as Jesus and Randy as a Roman guard. Fun to watch Aaron get his ear cut off and Heather get raised from the dead. Wonderful to see the amazing performance and hear the message so clearly, even via VHS.

Flashback over. Here I am again...back at school and reflecting on all that has happened in the past 4 days. Thank you Lord for the rest, the renewal, and the fabulous good times...thank you that they represent the death and resurrection of your son, the linchpin of my salvation. I am unworthy of all of the above.

Hope that you all had a blessed Easter...keep your eyes open for left-over eggs...