baby days

There seems to be a wonderful overflow of new little ones the past 3 days...first Zach and Tina delivered little Esther Ann....then my cousins delivered Noah Taylor. Praise the Lord for two healthy deliveries and quickly recovering mommies...

Hard to believe that people I spent most of high school with suddenly have a child. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly life can change and how in the "blink of an eye" our priorities and careers and goals and dreams can shift.

Funny how these little people, represented as just a "bump" on momma's belly for so many months, so quickly reveal themselves to be whole people, albeit rasin-like and very tiny. I'll never forget the delivery that I got to watch while shadowing Dennis a few summers ago. After watching just the tail end of the labor procedure I finally saw the tiny head, watched the mother strain, the daddy look a bit faint and grip her hand and look into her eyes more deeply. I saw the nurses check the monitors once more waiting for the final contractions and the biggest "Push!!". And suddenly there before us all was a crying writhing human being, blinking back the light and flailing in the air and not all to pleased to be out of the warmth of the womb. Though I did not no this woman or her family at all, I found my eyes dumping rapid tears along with the rest of the family. This is truly one of the great miracles of life.

Prayers head to both new families as the process of growth continues and the personality, soul, and mind of the young ones are slowly revealed. Hallelujah for God's new creation...and the new life that inspires, challenges, and brings so much joy.

....as a dog....

Sick. Bleh. Sick sick. sick as a dog.

It started with flu on Wednesday evening...my family had been passing it around so it's not all that surprising. I was on the couch with a fever and aches until Saturday morning...and felt great until about Saturday evening, when a headache came on and left sinus pressure, sore throat, and (somehow) fever again in it's wake.

I'm told that really the immune system is only as strong as your mind tells it that it is...thus the best way to stay well is to decide that you, simply, DON'T get sick.

apparently my mind over matter skills suck.

However obnoxious it is to be battling the germs again, it couldn't have happened at a better time. I fell sick just after Matt left on Wednesday morning and since I was spending Thursday-Saturday at home (mom and dad were out of town so the siblings hung out) I got to spend the sick days on the couch along with my sister who was in similar shape. We watched a lot of TV but also got quite a bit of talking about college life and such in. Good times.

I'm still in reflection of the fabulous weekend I had a week ago (already?). My trip to DeKalb was another instance of "perfect timing"...After a week of slamming books and taking multiple tests, I was able to shed my coat of constant stress, completely ignore school for a few days, and enjoy the freedom of a road trip, the joy of seeing Matt after a month's absence, and the unpredictable fun of living in someone else's life for a weekend. Met lots of friends, played lots of video games and cards, went to his church, and praised God on many occasions for the protection that he and his friends had during the shootings on Thursday evening. The tone of the campus was very solemn though not defeated, and it was wonderful to be at his church that sunday morning, where many plans were already in motion for the formation of care packages for administration, police, and fire departments. They were also undertaking a grief councelling training class for the church body, so that upon arrival of the students today they could be involved in some hands on healing ministries. Good to see the body of Christ working so quickly and broadly to help. In a more lighthearted turn of events, Matt was able to come home for a few days because their classes were canceled for the remainder of the week. This meant that we got to spend a bit more time together between my classes on Monday and Tuesday.

This weekend Mom and Dad got to get away to Michigan and hobnob with the "choir gurus" (sp??). It is the first time my dad has gotten to be away and relax in quite a good while and he looked quite refreshed on coming home. For those of you who hadn't heard, Dad has spent the last several months considering a job change to Baylor university in Texas...after several rounds of interviews, they offered him the position which threw our family in to a tailspin as far as discerning the will of God. After much praying and discussing with Millikin folks, Dad made the decision to stay put, seeing some new windows in the MU program and potential growth in some related events to be appealing and right for now. We're praising God for the clarity he gave us and the way we learned to trust Him through the brush with potential changes. It's funny how we often forget how stubborn we are until we are asked to surrender something we consider immovable. A great reminder...and an interesting process to go through as a family.

All told, we feel quite relieved not to be house hunting and packing up in the next few months...and yet we see quite a few changes on the horizon regardless. Life is like that...and I'm glad. It'd be boring otherwise.

Well, I've a proposal to write and some GRE prep vocabulary to study. ...as well as final work on my newest undertaking, my millipede research experiment, which will take place over spring break. No, I'm not going to the beach with Faith as invited...you can find me holed up with lots of legs and some electrical shocking plates. Exciting. Oh well, it will be good to get it out of the way without the regular stresses of school.

Challenged this morning about my dependency on God's word this morning with a familiar passage:

"For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God. Everything is naked and exposed before his eyes, and he is the one to whom we are accountable. So then, since we have a great High Priest who has entered heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe. This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us in our time of need."
Hebrews 5: 12-16

May we be exposed by His word and transformed by His spirit, and may we accept His grace with a heat postured in complete vulnerability to Him.

Blessings...

friday at last

Friday afternoon...my lightest day by far in the week....and finally some time on the horizon. Well...a bit... :)

Just got back from a long work out at the DISC to Brad Paisley and Mae...my routine workout buddies...wonderfully rigourous workout, which will probably prove to make getting out of bed a bit more difficult in the morning. Oh well. I'm ready to get back into shape...it's definitely been too long.

My hair is still drying from my shower and I'm waiting for Faith to get home so we can go grocery shopping. I have absolutely no food in the house (besides 4 cans of tuna, which you are only supposed to eat once a week), so it's a must today. I'm also previewing a new album just finished by a friend of mine from choir...she's got a great pop/rock voice and some pretty impressive sounds aided by some guitar playing buddies and a good studio master. I don't think these kids have any clue how lucky they are to be able to use the caliber of studio we have here at MU for personal projects...they have to do things in the middle of the night but it's still awesome.

Last night I got to see a very different part of the "music world" at Millikin...the opera folk put on the "HMS Pinnafore", a classic Gilbert and Sullivan performed in our cozy little theater. They had us rolling much of the time, while somehow still admiring their sheer talent. It's so fun to watch those types of shows and to see the actors let themselves run through the channel of a character who often shares some striking similarities with their every day person.

Anyhoo...this weekend will be spent mainly studying for the three tests that come next week (Anatomy and Phys, Lifespan psychology, and Neurobiology...the later of which will be a bear...) as well as hopefully working a bit more on my CASPA application and my summer plans.

I'm trying to come up with a good medical missions trip to take for 3-4 weeks this summer and have been putting a lot of "feelers" out all over the place, getting in touch with friends of my uncle (who did medical missions translations for 15 years in south America), random missions organizations, and even a professor here at MU. I'm really praying that God will put me where he wants me and also give me the opportunity to serve in a capacity that really enlivens me. From my perspective that screams "MEDICAL!", but knowing the God I serve who loves to surprise me, I could end up anywhere....

This weekend is also Millikin Vocal Fest...those of you who remember it from high school may well also remember some happy memories we made there, including but not limited to salsa chugging, sitting next to jewish people, and naptime in the lobby. I'm looking forward to helping "direct traffic" and get everyone checked in, as well as singing with U-choir on one of the concerts.

I'm trying to keep my head to the grindstone these next few days while anticipating a trip to DeKalb next weekend...it will be wonderful to get to see Matt and roomies, while taking a bit of a break after a week that I'm sure will be full of late nights and hand cramps. Yay for road trips!!

Blessings on your own weekends and may you find some time to refresh and feed yourselves. I'm learning that I am only able to give what I allow myself to receive, unless of course I try to give of my very self which tends to burn me out...

Happy Friday!!

the coming rain....

stormy night.

I couldn't be happier. We got a huge snowstorm (with snow day included) last thursday, and today was the strangest weather day I've seen in forever. The day was much warmer than it has been for a while...in the 50's most of the day, but the entire city (and much of the state) was covered in a fog so dense that you could literally feel droplets hit your face as you walked through it. It was almost like being in a fine mist sprinkler (like the ones at amusement parks) all day long. The combination of on and off showers, as well as the melting snow, reduced many of the roads to mere channels for the mass of water to run through...the walks to and from class were interesting to say the least, especially since some of the sidewalks were still (unexplainably) icy.

But tonight, though the fog continues, the strange silence is broken by flashes of lightening distorted by the fog, and distant thunder which is ominous, but as of yet has not produced much rain. Ah weather...it never ceases to keep us on our toes here in Illinois, and never stops reminding me of how "little" my life really is in comparison to the cosmos and the great swirling masses of clouds at the fingertips of our maker.

It's been a busy last week, even with the snow day, and the tests are looming just around the corner. Anatomy and Phys comes first, with both a lab and a lecture exam...then Neurobiology comes next week. Vocal festival is also this weekend, and I am in charge of a team for this event. In addition, lots of stuff is going on with Intervarsity, and as we approach the middle of February I'm reminded often that I must put faith solely in God, for I will never be able to accomplish even a limited version of our chapter's vision for the semester without all his power working through my weakness. Please pray for us as we are working to put up a "social justice" week focusing on the AIDS crisis in early April. With "logistical details" as my weakest character trait, I'm naturally a bit scared of all I might forget to do. Thank goodness for a dedicated and Christ centered team full of ideas, conviction, and motivation.

Last night I began the scary process of filling out information on CASPA (the Central Application Service for Physician's Assistants). This process basically involves vomitting your "life accomplishments" in school/community/employment/honors onto several web pages and waiting for the scores from the GRE (to be taken in the early summer) and then sending the whole batch to any number of schools. Scary to be looking at this full in the face...and so exciting too. It never ceases to amaze me that as God brings me through life, I find points of "comfort" that are quickly eliminated by "next steps". I suppose that is what all of growth is...having finally become accustomed to one level, we are challenged by the next...and should we chose to ignore the challenge, we will face a different one down the road or be forever doomed to "sameness".

This past week I placed myself in a "holding pattern", taking a few days void of technology and social extras and even some close friends for the purpose of giving my soul some time to be restored. I have been running frenetically for so many months that I feel I have really put off some necessary personal time. Everything from personal devotions to intimate friendships to overall life perspective to sleeping habits have suffered in the process. And while the amazing infrastructure of friends around me have kept me from totally crashing and burning...I have found myself exceptionally drained and without a lot of purpose. Not good for a president of a christian organization on campus...not good for a pre-med student...not good for finding good reasons to get out of bed in the morning. My "monastic" period (I use the term loosely because it wasn't nearly that disciplined but did have that general feel) was used to do a ton of reading, sleeping, journaling, and just being quiet...re-learning the value of solitude and seeking out a reminder of the identity that I have that is not of this earth. I was challenged so much about the way that I love and relate to people, and the way that these relationships are hopeless if I don't understand my own identity (both strengths and needs) and view my soul on a level with every other human being in the world. I read through several books, but chiefly "searching for God knows what", another Donald Miller must read that had me really grappling with some foundational truths about myself, my motivations, and my source for self-worth. How can I ever expect to make a difference in the lives of others if I am so out of touch with my own struggles??? And as a self-appointed "fixer" of all problems I can see, how do I expect to help people out of the despair and struggle of life without a sense of their deeper heart issues and the essential needs of their souls???

So much of my life I have spent learning the formulas and the "Christianese"...but we serve a God who SHOWED us how to reach people...not through bullet points but through acceptance...not through a "get together to feel safe" club, but through a vulnerability and openness that penetrated into the societies that seemed polar to the religious groups. Its not surprising that we as Christians feel a need for security and attempt to find it in those around us, but it IS surprising that we continue to go back to this fragile source of acceptance when we should know in our hearts that it can come....was only meant to come...from one source.

Anyhoo, these and so many other thoughts and wonderings have been coursing through my mind these past few days, and as I attempt to add "real life" back into the equation, I'm asking God to keep them fresh in my mind, and keep speaking to my soul. He has been so faithful to meet me where I am, along with the doubts and questions and unresolved fears that, I am learning, may never be truly answered as I seek a God I cannot see and a faith that is certain of what it hopes for. I have stopped asking God to "get me there" and merely begun asking that he would keep me pointed towards the goal, working out my salvation with fear and trembling.

The semester goes on, and in light of these recent thoughts seems a bit inconsequential. And yet, they are the small mountains that God has placed in front of me at present. I desire to use them to glorify him.

A stormy night, and the thunder only grows louder. Yet, the sun will rise again tomorrow and the day that dawns may be all the more beautiful for the storm.

let the storm break...let the rains fall...let the faith within me be challenged...let me break in my own weakness...and let his grace shine all the brighter with the coming day.