stormy night.
I couldn't be happier. We got a huge snowstorm (with snow day included) last thursday, and today was the strangest weather day I've seen in forever. The day was much warmer than it has been for a while...in the 50's most of the day, but the entire city (and much of the state) was covered in a fog so dense that you could literally feel droplets hit your face as you walked through it. It was almost like being in a fine mist sprinkler (like the ones at amusement parks) all day long. The combination of on and off showers, as well as the melting snow, reduced many of the roads to mere channels for the mass of water to run through...the walks to and from class were interesting to say the least, especially since some of the sidewalks were still (unexplainably) icy.
But tonight, though the fog continues, the strange silence is broken by flashes of lightening distorted by the fog, and distant thunder which is ominous, but as of yet has not produced much rain. Ah weather...it never ceases to keep us on our toes here in Illinois, and never stops reminding me of how "little" my life really is in comparison to the cosmos and the great swirling masses of clouds at the fingertips of our maker.
It's been a busy last week, even with the snow day, and the tests are looming just around the corner. Anatomy and Phys comes first, with both a lab and a lecture exam...then Neurobiology comes next week. Vocal festival is also this weekend, and I am in charge of a team for this event. In addition, lots of stuff is going on with Intervarsity, and as we approach the middle of February I'm reminded often that I must put faith solely in God, for I will never be able to accomplish even a limited version of our chapter's vision for the semester without all his power working through my weakness. Please pray for us as we are working to put up a "social justice" week focusing on the AIDS crisis in early April. With "logistical details" as my weakest character trait, I'm naturally a bit scared of all I might forget to do. Thank goodness for a dedicated and Christ centered team full of ideas, conviction, and motivation.
Last night I began the scary process of filling out information on CASPA (the Central Application Service for Physician's Assistants). This process basically involves vomitting your "life accomplishments" in school/community/employment/honors onto several web pages and waiting for the scores from the GRE (to be taken in the early summer) and then sending the whole batch to any number of schools. Scary to be looking at this full in the face...and so exciting too. It never ceases to amaze me that as God brings me through life, I find points of "comfort" that are quickly eliminated by "next steps". I suppose that is what all of growth is...having finally become accustomed to one level, we are challenged by the next...and should we chose to ignore the challenge, we will face a different one down the road or be forever doomed to "sameness".
This past week I placed myself in a "holding pattern", taking a few days void of technology and social extras and even some close friends for the purpose of giving my soul some time to be restored. I have been running frenetically for so many months that I feel I have really put off some necessary personal time. Everything from personal devotions to intimate friendships to overall life perspective to sleeping habits have suffered in the process. And while the amazing infrastructure of friends around me have kept me from totally crashing and burning...I have found myself exceptionally drained and without a lot of purpose. Not good for a president of a christian organization on campus...not good for a pre-med student...not good for finding good reasons to get out of bed in the morning. My "monastic" period (I use the term loosely because it wasn't nearly that disciplined but did have that general feel) was used to do a ton of reading, sleeping, journaling, and just being quiet...re-learning the value of solitude and seeking out a reminder of the identity that I have that is not of this earth. I was challenged so much about the way that I love and relate to people, and the way that these relationships are hopeless if I don't understand my own identity (both strengths and needs) and view my soul on a level with every other human being in the world. I read through several books, but chiefly "searching for God knows what", another Donald Miller must read that had me really grappling with some foundational truths about myself, my motivations, and my source for self-worth. How can I ever expect to make a difference in the lives of others if I am so out of touch with my own struggles??? And as a self-appointed "fixer" of all problems I can see, how do I expect to help people out of the despair and struggle of life without a sense of their deeper heart issues and the essential needs of their souls???
So much of my life I have spent learning the formulas and the "Christianese"...but we serve a God who SHOWED us how to reach people...not through bullet points but through acceptance...not through a "get together to feel safe" club, but through a vulnerability and openness that penetrated into the societies that seemed polar to the religious groups. Its not surprising that we as Christians feel a need for security and attempt to find it in those around us, but it IS surprising that we continue to go back to this fragile source of acceptance when we should know in our hearts that it can come....was only meant to come...from one source.
Anyhoo, these and so many other thoughts and wonderings have been coursing through my mind these past few days, and as I attempt to add "real life" back into the equation, I'm asking God to keep them fresh in my mind, and keep speaking to my soul. He has been so faithful to meet me where I am, along with the doubts and questions and unresolved fears that, I am learning, may never be truly answered as I seek a God I cannot see and a faith that is certain of what it hopes for. I have stopped asking God to "get me there" and merely begun asking that he would keep me pointed towards the goal, working out my salvation with fear and trembling.
The semester goes on, and in light of these recent thoughts seems a bit inconsequential. And yet, they are the small mountains that God has placed in front of me at present. I desire to use them to glorify him.
A stormy night, and the thunder only grows louder. Yet, the sun will rise again tomorrow and the day that dawns may be all the more beautiful for the storm.
let the storm break...let the rains fall...let the faith within me be challenged...let me break in my own weakness...and let his grace shine all the brighter with the coming day.
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