coasting

A brief 45 minute break between classes finds me printing off sheets of work "to be done" and not wanting to do any of it. I'm exhausted.

It's a wonderful rainy day...distant thunder and steady but gentle showers have given the day a lazy feel...but its humid and temperatures are deliciously mild in comparison with the bitter cold of the last 3 weeks. Winter returns this weekend, says the weather man, but today I'm wearing flip-flops, and only mildly chilled from the soakings I receive between classes.

Still struggling to get into the groove of the semester. Some would say I'm merely coasting to the finish...and if you look at my class schedule alone that might be true. 12 credits, 2 of which are "fillers" only 1 big bio class and then physics 2. But I'm certainly filling time in other ways...and the energy that I'm giving to the things outside of college seem to be throwing off my abilities to focus and efficiently tackle my school work. It has already been an up and down semester, emotional, intense, exciting, fearful, confused. This type of coasting isn't so much about ease as it is about a lack of control. For those of you who know me well, this is the real reason I hate roller coasters. You never know what the next turn will do to your insides, and you find yourself focusing on something that's relatively unimportant when compared to the thing around the next turn.

So while life has brought grace and gifts in spades over the past 2 weeks, it has also brought struggle and unforseen challenge. I find myself drained and filled sometimes multiple times in the day. Surely God plans these ebbs and flows to remind me of my frailty along with my blessings.

(Random insert, while google searching for a picture to put on this post, I came across another blog about roller coasters...I like his phrasology:

"Life is so full of ups and downs. It’s like a rollercoaster, but where you have to eat and go to the bathroom, then die eventually. Not that those things never happen on rollercoasters."

Ok...back to the real post now)

Probably the most filling portion of my semester thus far has been the bible study on Romans that I've been leading at the house on Tuesday nights. With 10-15 bodies gathering per meeting, it's a bit too big to be coined a "small group", but I'm so grateful for the group of people, almost all of whom have had some large impact on my life over the last 3 years. I'm reminded as I was a few summers ago that in so many ways, the greatest learning comes when you try to teach. Nothing could be further from my area of expertise than the essays of Romans...yet in many ways the explanations that Paul affords to the early church are merely foundational reminders...clarifications on the "heart" of the matter, which have been overlooked under the shadow of the law and the chosen people. The bible study was started because the IV leadership (myself included) from last semester felt strongly that the upperclassmen in our group were being asked to lead rather than to study and be fed far too often. And while leadership requires faith and dependence, it's so easy to lose sight of the foundation...the anchor from which all pursuits of the spirit must rely. And so, we've come together...the most diverse group of friends I see in the same room all week long. Some are strangers to each other, some are fast friends, all are intensely dedicated to seeking out truth...hungry...begging for something besides pat answers and glossed over "Christianese". They seek out tension points, dig for truth, muddy the water, ask the real questions. It has fed me so much, first to prepare these passages and then to guide or be guided through discussions on them. Last night we had an incredibly academic discussion on Romans 3, seeking to define words we've known since we were 5: Grace. Justice. Atonement. Forbearance. Can we understand the way that the Jews began to believe that God was either merciful or just at His whim? Can we explain why his love and his nature required both? Do we appreciate the beauty of justice, which at its best results in condemnation and grace in tandem? And suddenly the sacrifice of Jesus, so perfectly atoning for the sins of all, becomes what allows God to manifest His wrath and His love in one action. Jesus allowed God to demonstrate His justice (which had always been there) in order that He would be once again be recognized by the people of the world as just, and completely holy. As such, he could also declare us not just forgiven, but justified...righteous...in total harmony with God himself. Never has the love of the Father been more real to me. If you want a good head spinning, read Romans 3: 25-28.

A major drain on the past 3 weeks has been trying to sort out the grad school issues. As of this moment I'm down to 3 schools...something I view with relief and some elements of hesitation. I'm glad that the field is finally starting to narrow, but at the same time the decision is quickly becoming real. All the traveling will come to an end this weekend, when I make my presence known at Saint Louis University. I'm expecting a great program and hoping, as always, to "wow" them. More than anything I'm praying for clarity. This weekend, I turned down Marietta University (in southeastern Ohio)...and heard from UW-Madison that unless someone drops out for personal reasons or dies I won't be going there...they have filled their class, at least for now. This leaves me with my acceptance at SIU-C, and a waiting game at Midwestern (no word yet), and SLU. I'm praying to have some sort of "final answer" by early March. As taxing as the travel, worry, and desision making can be, I'm really starting to get excited about school, about my first move "away", and about my intense year coming soon. :)

A relatively "little thing" but something that has been fun and encouraging is the Pilates class that I'm taking at the DISC 2 evenings a week. This is something that I've never done before, and something that I'm farely bad at...but it's been a great release of energy that keeps me gaining at least miniscule amounts of muscle tone and a few new friendships. The class itself is hysterical. Our teacher is a 50ish year old woman who is in shape but not a body builder by any means. She's encouraging, fun, and honest about the poses and lifts that even she can't do. Then there is the group of 6-7 women and one man in the 60+ group. They've been doing classes together for years and are constantly chatting in the left corner of the room. A few middle aged loners also wander in each night...most of whom are significantly obese but are definitely trying hard to make a change. Closer to the middle of the room are the cheerleaders and dancers. I'm not sure why they come, because most of them could do the routines that we try to do for 5 or 6 times the required length. Their thighs and abs of steel combined with rediculous flexiblity makes a workout that causes me to sweat simply a warm up for them. On the right side of the room is what I like to call the "awkward crowd". There are 2-3 twenty-something aged women and one flamboyantly gay sophmore guy. Behind them is me, and in front of them is zen woman. Zen woman is slender and short, with a long silver braid down her back and a rich slovic accent. She's soft spoken and strong, and could balance on one toenail with a leg behind her head while eating a grapefruit. Every time I see her accomplish some rediculous pose with rediculous ease I hear Brian Regan in my ear... "Place both feet in the small of your back, and BREATHE!!". The class has been challenging but a great stress reliever too...and with all the different characters in the room, something is bound to happen that is worth a good laugh.

This past weekend I spent Friday and Saturday at the Decatur Conference Center along with about 200 Intervarsity students and staff from 13 different schools around Illinois and Missouri. "Metamorphosis" is a multi-tracked conference that allows a lot of time for personal growth and reflection, but also some good time for bonding within the Millikin chapter. 15 of us went and we had a great time. I especially got to know 3 of the freshman girls that I roomed with. They were darling and kept me on my toes (and without much sleep) throught the weekend. It's a blessing to see what a wonderful class of freshman we have...some diamond in the rough leaders are ready to be polished and affirmed. God has been good to show us the capable instruments who will be doing his work long after we leave this campus. I was a part of the "After College" track, along with 4 other seniors from Millikin. Our sessions discussed everything from how to hear God when making life decisions to how to manage money and budgets, how to get involved in a local church, and how to build relationships outside of the college network. I can't synthesize all the many things that I learned right here...but I will say that one of my most meaningful moments came while we were scanning Mark 1. Jesus walks by the lake and he calls out to the sons of Zebedee, who are fishermen and mending their nets. "Come, Follow me...and I will make you fishers of men." I had been calling out for clarity all weekend about the school decisions I made Monday morning...and in that moment the Lord spoke so clearly.

This isn't about what you decide. It's not about the long term plan. It's not even about you staying "awake" so you don't miss the exit ramp. Look around you...I'm teaching you something RIGHT NOW that you'll need later. Your future depends on what you've been given to steward today...don't miss it because you're worried about tomorrow. Come, follow me. Put your feet in my footprints and don't look back. I've got a new world you've never imagined waiting for you. And even though you don't know it, I've already prepared you for what lies ahead.

How silly I am to imagine that the now of God's plan has nothing to do with the later. And what a relief to remember that God really does have control. So long as my ears are open and my heart is right with Him, I can't mess this up. Do I believe He has control? Then I believe that His power is greater than my insufficiencies. That His spirit is stronger than my sinful will. That my heart's desires are an outcropping of His purpose for my life.

I still have no clue where I'm going...but I suppose that's just the point.

Another up and down pair for this semester has been the dating coaster. 2 breakups in my periphery and one in plain view over the past week have highlighted that it is "the time" to define relationships on a level far past compatablility. While the extra ice cream and girl time that breakups create is wonderfully communal and almost fun, there's an element of all of us asking "how much more is this going to happen?" The proverbial clock seems to be ticking faster, and as everyone makes plans to move on or settle down, the next natural step is to decide to go "all in" or "fold". 2 weddings for close friends in the next 6 months remind me that many are taking the plunge and totally ready for it. But the pressure cooker isn't seeming to get any cooler. As each new ring emerges the heat seems to rise steadily.



I keep reminding myself amidst the drama, heartache, and excitement that comes from all relationships that the image of a timetable is an illusion in truth. No social standard or norm should dictate a decision if the time isn't right. And yet, it's natural to begin making decisions in tandem...and with grad school finalization right around the corner, it's hard not to lump Matt, career, school, roomate, and future home all in one decision. I've hit my fair share of questions on all of the above in the last month especially, and have come to the realization that to try to make all of these determinations at once is to try to take control of all aspects of life at the same point. Not only is it impossible, its unhealthy...and I'm gradually learning to focus on one at a time. That said, I'm certainly keeping my eyes open and listening to my heart as often as possible.

Through it all, the ups and the downs, the changes and the constants, the questions and the answers that turn into questions, this I know for sure: God is faithful today, tomorrow, and forever. As He gives and takes away, I make it my goal to praise his name forever...exclusively...in every circumstance.

Blessed be the name of the Lord.