fragments (and a few accompanying thoughts)

--Super stressed out (but only 2 more organic tests in my life...)

--spider collection done!!! (no more keying, labeling, or hunting)

--not sick (just imagining that there is pain in my sinuses and my throat is on fire)

--only 1 week of classes left (mild amounts of trepidation outweighed by sheer excitement)

--communication skills on several fronts lacking (hoping I don't hurt too many people)

--sleep in small quantities (come on summer break!!)

--loving spring like never before (amazing how it seems "new" every year)

--many papers to write (almost done with semester labs!)

--beautiful day (i want to go fishing and play frisbee)

--time seems to fly (only two more years of college??)

--God is good (I am a constant failure but He is always drawing me back again)

--Ice cream and coffee are amazing (how else is one to survive?)

--Praise God tomorrow's May (what else can you say?)


peace to all~

We Remember....

April 26th, 2006

"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." ~Jim Elliot

Outline of Me

MORGAN'S LIFE THIS WEEK
Outline, draft 1

1) Super crazy week, tribute to the fact that its almost May
a. Lab finals and practicals
b. Organic test
-"the widowmaker" (as quoted on syllabus)
- class average? 40%
c. Presentations and papers due...some are the last ones till finals week!

2) Looking ahead
a. Lots of concerts and recitals to attend
b. Spider collection nearly complete
- needing taxonomy/ collection labels
- only 2 more specimens to go!!
c. People already talking about coming home
d. Summer research about to get underway
-soybeans to be planted soon
e. Planning for end of the year events
- choir recording sessions and picnic
- Sunday school picnic and church potlucks
- jazz and choir auditions
f. Invitations on my table = summertime is almost here
- about 10 grad open house invites
- 4 or 5 wedding invites
g. Brainstorming about summer bible study and what to study on

3) Trying to rest
a. attempting to prove that, contrary to popular opinion, I am NOT nocturnal
-lots of coffee involved
-creating a "i never sleep before 2 am" club
b. making an extra effort to be involved in family stuff, despite schedule
- Casey's prom next weekend
- TJ's speech contests
c. taking time to walk in the spring air, even if just a few minutes
- Frisbee sessions on the quad
- spider hunting in the back yard
d. working on learning how to nap

Conclusion: I am blessed beyond measure to live this life and attempt to use it to God's glory. No matter what I must always strive to keep this as my focus. He is the author of my life and the finisher of my faith.

Let everything that has breath praise the LORD!!

How to be cool...A HANDBOOK

Today during senior honors seminar day, Faith and I were talking to a friend of ours from choir, who decided to sit with us because he thought it would increase his cool factor. Faith and I laughed at him...and taking pity on us, self-declared dorks that we are, Zack wrote out the following...which I thought was too priceless not to publish.

HOW TO BE COOL

...a handbook....

1) Wear your sunglasses inside and/or after 6:00 pm

2) Be purposely late for EVERYTHING!

3) Leather chaps...YES

4) Shorten your name by at least three letters

5) Constantly take pictures of yourself (and put them up on billboards if at all possible)

6) Make a facebook group about yourself....you need to know who is cool enough to like you.

7) Laugh at your own jokes. Other people may just not realize how funny you are.

8) Remember, even though you're not at the party, they are still the ones who are missing out!

9) Don't play by the Rulez...



Zach Devin everyone...kind of a big deal! =)

Hope this helps you as much as it has me...people are already coming up and asking for my autograph with stunning frequency. Course, I was a big deal to start with.

Patches of heavy fog...

busy day + lots of stress = confusion and general fog

productive afternoon
lots of tests coming up
Intervarsity stress, due mostly to my lack of organization
lots of responsibility...honoring but chaotic
talk about housing next year...budgets, credit cards, painting, subleasers...huh??
end of the year "haze" setting in...
adrenaline rushes that come and go...cutting through the above mentioned haze occasionally
IV meetings
voice jurries approaching
final concert done...now for recording
papers to write
tutoring needed in Organic
family in need of a little more of my presence and less of my "morning grumpy pants"
battling the ebb and flow of school...hurting people, busy schedules, and no time outdoors
looking ahead to grad school
preparing for summer internship
trying to balance friends, meetings, homework, church, boyfriend, and an "others" centered focus
trying to figure out what's worth stressing over and what's worth letting go



This morning 32 people were violently murdered by some guy in VA. The pain of their families. The hurt inside the guy who did it. The endless tunnel of violence that seems to be eating away at society. My fog is just a small part of a much greater one. Lord, may I never be so foggy that I can't help those around me....that I can't make an impact or be a witness to a higher purpose and calling.

Waiting for sunny skies...which I know are actually just behind all this condensation.

Risen

I forgot how much I love Easter...how many parts of the celebration bring joy and peace and pain all at the same time. Renewal through death. Life via suffering. Joy in the face of trial. What a wonderful, amazing event...and how amazing that it is more than an event...it is a way of life.

Sorry for the intensity of the last post...God continued to teach me a lot this weekend and I am so thankful for His faithfulness.

The weekend held a host of happenings. Lots of catching up with old friends as I was finally home and on break for an extended period at the same time as everyone else. Shopping and hanging out with Laura and Heather, good phone convo with Jackie (who wasn't able to make it home), catch up of the last several months with Andrew, dinner with Matt, movie and bowling and Brian Regan with Zach and Tina, talk about "real life" with Annie and Aaron, walk in the park over hot tea and open hearts with Laura. So many people who touch my life in such strong ways despite the ever-widening distance between us. Thank you Lord.

Got to enjoy a lot of cool music this weekend...some that I was a part of and some that I simply watched. Dad worked hard to bring together a veritable explosion of musical genius, complemented by Casey's ability to play every instrument known to man. =) Good Friday service of contemplation...Sunday service of ultimate joy. Good stuff.

Sunday afternoon we headed to Costerisan's to join the church gang for more food than should ever be allowed in one house. About 25 people including friends that feel like family, a couple of Millikin kids who stayed on campus for the weekend, and some older ladies from our church. Such an amazing group. We ate, talked, played games, and just enjoyed each other.

Heather persuaded her parents that they stopped having easter egg hunts a little too early...so the dads reverted back a few years, drug about 150 plastic eggs outside, and began hiding them. As the 15 kids (ranging in age from junior high to late college) headed into the cold outdoors, it all came flashing back. I had visions of my childhood years, of the ever frustrating wait to finally be released from the threshold of the deck onto the lawn; of bounding across the yard, searching out a slip of color coming through the light green surroundings. Me in a frilly dress and patent leather shoes and a really obnoxious hat. Me desperate to find more eggs than the other little girl peering around the woodpile at the other end of the yard. There is an immediate decision that one must make. Do I move quickly in order to cover the most ground or do I search thoroughly so as to find every last egg in a given area?? Greed battles perseverance and the fight usually leaves me running in circles. No different on this day, despite the 12 years that have passed since then. The energy was just as high, the challenge comfortingly similar, and the joy of frolicking around egg-laden swing sets just as fun.

The kids took a walk around Mt. Zion when we got tired of eating chocolate...ended up standing in the medians and posing every time a car drove by. Dorks, every one of us...and loving every minute of it! We did have one encounter with an expletive-hurling guy, who took the time to back up just so he could be sure to curse every one of us. I guess some people get enjoyment from odd behaviors. ...And perhaps I'm speaking to the choir? No amount of F-bombs could dampen our spirit though...we had a fun time despite the PG-13 rating.

We stayed at the house till after midnight...watching an old version of "The Choice", an easter musical that Riverside used to put on. Interesting to view, and to filter through a distant but vivid memory of viewing it myself. At that time, I knew hardly anyone on the stage, but now, looking back on it all I could see who I was watching...see how many of them have had such a huge part to play in my life not just logistically and scheduling wise, but spiritually and emotionally too. It was fun to watch them all as youngsters and see how they have changed and how they are similar. Fun to watch Dennis as Jesus and Randy as a Roman guard. Fun to watch Aaron get his ear cut off and Heather get raised from the dead. Wonderful to see the amazing performance and hear the message so clearly, even via VHS.

Flashback over. Here I am again...back at school and reflecting on all that has happened in the past 4 days. Thank you Lord for the rest, the renewal, and the fabulous good times...thank you that they represent the death and resurrection of your son, the linchpin of my salvation. I am unworthy of all of the above.

Hope that you all had a blessed Easter...keep your eyes open for left-over eggs...

Confession

convicted.
cut to the core.
shaking my head at my stupidity.
feeling the wickedness of my own heart.

It has been a week of gradual revelation after, I confess, a rather dry spiritual spell in my life. Recent lessons and scripture and teaching have been bouncing off my soul like so many air soft pellets off an armored tank. My life has been pretty much peachy keen and my heart unreceptive to the gentle but persistent knocks of my savior.

I have been praying for God to rip this shell away from me...asking that I would once again feel the weight of conviction and even guilt...asking that something like fear would finally persuade me to listen and seek and obey. ...But in the same breath I was praying for blessings...for a smooth ride, for an easy life, for a reason to be grateful. As if I needed one.

Last Thursday night IV exec studied Mark 6:6-12 and 30-39. Jesus sends out his disciples, commanding them to go into the towns and giving them great authority to cast out demons and to heal the sick. He give specific instructions, however, of what they are not to take. Extra clothing. Money. Food. All forbidden. Despite the fact that as humans they will need these "comforts" very quickly, he forbids them to take even the essentials. 20 verses later, the disciples are tired, and though Jesus tries to get them somewhere to rest, the crowds keep following. And Jesus has compassion on the masses. But his followers are selfish. "Send the people away so they can get something to eat," secretly screams, "I'm hungry...make these guys go away so I can eat my fish in peace." Yet Jesus says, "You feed them." I know you're tired and hungry. I know you feel like you have been deprived ever since I sent you out. But it's time to have compassion. Give a little more. Give until you are beyond the end of your rope. Give because you see that they are lost and in need of Me. Give because I am here to give through you.

The feeding of the 5,000 is miraculous not just because the food is multiplied. It is miraculous because even though Jesus pushes his disciples to the limit, in the end he provides their most base and human need: food. He does not scoff at them and pour out many spiritual lessons for them to wrestle through. He gives them rest...just as soon as they are willing to obey. While he asks them to learn to live without comfort his great miracle involves providing comfort in abundance...in excess.

Next stop: easter week events for Intervarsity. Palm Sunday worship, reminding us all of the triumphant feeling that the disciples must have felt as they entered the city with the hero of the day. "This is all worth it! I'm so glad that we worked so hard and obeyed our master! NOW we can see why He did what he did." Blind. And looking for profit and gain in a purely worldly way. Sure that when good things happen that's proof of God's faithfulness to our plight. Why does this sound strangely familiar?

Amazing how God uses physical fatigue to get my attention. Equally amazing though not surprising how the Devil uses it too. As sleep got scarce in the past 4 days or so my mind began to wander...searching for something to get me through the day. The words came to mind soon enough.

"Come unto me, all ye that labor, and I will give thee rest..."

unfortunately I forgot to remember the whole verse. I began to take comfort in the idea of coming to Jesus for the sake of rest alone. Rest translated: peace, no trouble, lack of responsibility and pain alike. WRONG again.

These thoughts, these expectations made me realize how much I have cheapened God's place in my life. I have come to demand blessings, to crave peace, to rebel against struggle. I have turned Him into a mental vending machine, which I worship in the hopes that my 50 cents will by some "miracle" warrant two packs of M&M's and not just one. I praise in expectation of joy. I serve with intentions of reward. I give expecting to feel better. No wonder I feel dead. I'm worshiping an idol: my own life, and the betterment of it.

The Lord requires something so much more..."take my YOKE...LEARN from me...I am MEEK and LOWLY in heart." Why does it take me so long to understand what that means?? Obedience. Humility. A soft heart that is ready to listen, not to talk. A back that is willing to carry a load. A heart that is peaceful not because it isn't struggling but because it is certain of the purpose of the pain.

Tonight: Stations of the Cross. A service that the IV kids did referencing the highlights of Christ's walk to Golgatha...a solemn service to be sure. One phrase in one of the prayers stuck out. "Lord, we see that Jesus was beaten beyond recognition and endured ultimate suffering. Let us learn to see His perfect image in the faces of those who suffer around us." Could it be that Christ's redemption is seen best in suffering? That power is made perfect in weakness? Something tells me I've heard this before.

The pain in my heart is nearly tangible as I survey the past few weeks...considering all that I have said and done to lessen pain and to embrace the safe and sound, the prosperous, the exciting, and even the good. All that I have ignored around me...pain, injustice, and, yes, truth. The cross is an instrument of punishment pain and suffering. But it is also an avenue to the greatest closeness and co-identity we can experience with God. Why do I continue to reject it??

My mind is a blur of quotes and scriptures and hymns:

"In the cross, in the cross, be my glory ever..."

"Father, forgive them...they don't know what they are doing"

"He was bruised for our iniquities, he was pierced for our transgressions"

"Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus..."

"What wondrous love is this, that caused the Lord of bliss to bear the dreadful curse for my soul??"

"Why should I gain from His reward?"

"If any man will be my disciple, he must take up his cross daily and follow me."

"IT IS ACCOMPLISHED!! Father, into thy hands I commend my spirit."


I know all of this...I've heard it a thousand times. But I confess before God and anyone reading this that I have not been obedient. I have, "refused the cup and the baptism"...I have run from the cross with a sense of repulsion...understanding only things which give glory and victory and peace. I've become a Eustace (CS Lewis, Voyage of the Dawn Treader), who in pursuit of happiness and greed has become his own worst enemy, with no way to escape save the painful removal of his scales and tough skin. Rip them off, Aslan!! Sink your claws in deep and tear them away. Forgive me for my greed and selfishness and pride. Reduce me to my core, for only there can your spirit mold me into something that resembles you.

Tomorrow night, my team of Intervarsity kids will perform a drama presentation for the campus detailing the lives of the people surrounding Jesus' death. It contrasts the rough soldiers with quiet mother Mary and stoic John and emotional Mary Magdaline. It begs the question, "how will YOU respond to the cross?" Tonight in practice I was almost in tears as I heard Mary Magdaline cry at the foot of the cross, "Kneel down with me! Wail and Mourn...Throw dust upon your heads, for the light of the world has gone out!!"

For the rest of this week, I will, I MUST grasp the depth of the suffering and the horrendous load which Christ carried for me. For only then will my redemption cause the appropriate response...not the guilt and the kick in the pants that I was waiting and praying for earlier this week, but overwhelming Love and Joy. Irresistable grace, the Calvanists call it. Inescapable conviction which leads to lifelong and willful participation in the suffering. May it always be so.

"See, my servant will act wisely; he will be raised and lifted up and highly exalted. Just as there were many who were appalled at him—his appearance was so disfigured beyond that of any man and his form marred beyond human likeness--so will he sprinkle many nations, and kings will shut their mouths because of him. For what they were not told, they will see, and what they have not heard, they will understand."

Isaiah 52: 13-15

human still...sort of

a couple of days ago I saw this logo on a shirt on some guy in the library...I was about ready to bang my head through a computer screen so it was a very good thing he walked by when he did. I got to laughing and couldn't remember why I was mad at the computer.

I wish it wasn't so true for me these days...I'm running on fumes and a fair amount of adrenaline...and coffee...and some days it nearly succeeds in making me human again. I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever shake this feeling of constant stress and strain...come on Easter break!!

pray if you think of it...or send me the biggest coffee mug the world owns...it's Monday again!