Confession

convicted.
cut to the core.
shaking my head at my stupidity.
feeling the wickedness of my own heart.

It has been a week of gradual revelation after, I confess, a rather dry spiritual spell in my life. Recent lessons and scripture and teaching have been bouncing off my soul like so many air soft pellets off an armored tank. My life has been pretty much peachy keen and my heart unreceptive to the gentle but persistent knocks of my savior.

I have been praying for God to rip this shell away from me...asking that I would once again feel the weight of conviction and even guilt...asking that something like fear would finally persuade me to listen and seek and obey. ...But in the same breath I was praying for blessings...for a smooth ride, for an easy life, for a reason to be grateful. As if I needed one.

Last Thursday night IV exec studied Mark 6:6-12 and 30-39. Jesus sends out his disciples, commanding them to go into the towns and giving them great authority to cast out demons and to heal the sick. He give specific instructions, however, of what they are not to take. Extra clothing. Money. Food. All forbidden. Despite the fact that as humans they will need these "comforts" very quickly, he forbids them to take even the essentials. 20 verses later, the disciples are tired, and though Jesus tries to get them somewhere to rest, the crowds keep following. And Jesus has compassion on the masses. But his followers are selfish. "Send the people away so they can get something to eat," secretly screams, "I'm hungry...make these guys go away so I can eat my fish in peace." Yet Jesus says, "You feed them." I know you're tired and hungry. I know you feel like you have been deprived ever since I sent you out. But it's time to have compassion. Give a little more. Give until you are beyond the end of your rope. Give because you see that they are lost and in need of Me. Give because I am here to give through you.

The feeding of the 5,000 is miraculous not just because the food is multiplied. It is miraculous because even though Jesus pushes his disciples to the limit, in the end he provides their most base and human need: food. He does not scoff at them and pour out many spiritual lessons for them to wrestle through. He gives them rest...just as soon as they are willing to obey. While he asks them to learn to live without comfort his great miracle involves providing comfort in abundance...in excess.

Next stop: easter week events for Intervarsity. Palm Sunday worship, reminding us all of the triumphant feeling that the disciples must have felt as they entered the city with the hero of the day. "This is all worth it! I'm so glad that we worked so hard and obeyed our master! NOW we can see why He did what he did." Blind. And looking for profit and gain in a purely worldly way. Sure that when good things happen that's proof of God's faithfulness to our plight. Why does this sound strangely familiar?

Amazing how God uses physical fatigue to get my attention. Equally amazing though not surprising how the Devil uses it too. As sleep got scarce in the past 4 days or so my mind began to wander...searching for something to get me through the day. The words came to mind soon enough.

"Come unto me, all ye that labor, and I will give thee rest..."

unfortunately I forgot to remember the whole verse. I began to take comfort in the idea of coming to Jesus for the sake of rest alone. Rest translated: peace, no trouble, lack of responsibility and pain alike. WRONG again.

These thoughts, these expectations made me realize how much I have cheapened God's place in my life. I have come to demand blessings, to crave peace, to rebel against struggle. I have turned Him into a mental vending machine, which I worship in the hopes that my 50 cents will by some "miracle" warrant two packs of M&M's and not just one. I praise in expectation of joy. I serve with intentions of reward. I give expecting to feel better. No wonder I feel dead. I'm worshiping an idol: my own life, and the betterment of it.

The Lord requires something so much more..."take my YOKE...LEARN from me...I am MEEK and LOWLY in heart." Why does it take me so long to understand what that means?? Obedience. Humility. A soft heart that is ready to listen, not to talk. A back that is willing to carry a load. A heart that is peaceful not because it isn't struggling but because it is certain of the purpose of the pain.

Tonight: Stations of the Cross. A service that the IV kids did referencing the highlights of Christ's walk to Golgatha...a solemn service to be sure. One phrase in one of the prayers stuck out. "Lord, we see that Jesus was beaten beyond recognition and endured ultimate suffering. Let us learn to see His perfect image in the faces of those who suffer around us." Could it be that Christ's redemption is seen best in suffering? That power is made perfect in weakness? Something tells me I've heard this before.

The pain in my heart is nearly tangible as I survey the past few weeks...considering all that I have said and done to lessen pain and to embrace the safe and sound, the prosperous, the exciting, and even the good. All that I have ignored around me...pain, injustice, and, yes, truth. The cross is an instrument of punishment pain and suffering. But it is also an avenue to the greatest closeness and co-identity we can experience with God. Why do I continue to reject it??

My mind is a blur of quotes and scriptures and hymns:

"In the cross, in the cross, be my glory ever..."

"Father, forgive them...they don't know what they are doing"

"He was bruised for our iniquities, he was pierced for our transgressions"

"Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus..."

"What wondrous love is this, that caused the Lord of bliss to bear the dreadful curse for my soul??"

"Why should I gain from His reward?"

"If any man will be my disciple, he must take up his cross daily and follow me."

"IT IS ACCOMPLISHED!! Father, into thy hands I commend my spirit."


I know all of this...I've heard it a thousand times. But I confess before God and anyone reading this that I have not been obedient. I have, "refused the cup and the baptism"...I have run from the cross with a sense of repulsion...understanding only things which give glory and victory and peace. I've become a Eustace (CS Lewis, Voyage of the Dawn Treader), who in pursuit of happiness and greed has become his own worst enemy, with no way to escape save the painful removal of his scales and tough skin. Rip them off, Aslan!! Sink your claws in deep and tear them away. Forgive me for my greed and selfishness and pride. Reduce me to my core, for only there can your spirit mold me into something that resembles you.

Tomorrow night, my team of Intervarsity kids will perform a drama presentation for the campus detailing the lives of the people surrounding Jesus' death. It contrasts the rough soldiers with quiet mother Mary and stoic John and emotional Mary Magdaline. It begs the question, "how will YOU respond to the cross?" Tonight in practice I was almost in tears as I heard Mary Magdaline cry at the foot of the cross, "Kneel down with me! Wail and Mourn...Throw dust upon your heads, for the light of the world has gone out!!"

For the rest of this week, I will, I MUST grasp the depth of the suffering and the horrendous load which Christ carried for me. For only then will my redemption cause the appropriate response...not the guilt and the kick in the pants that I was waiting and praying for earlier this week, but overwhelming Love and Joy. Irresistable grace, the Calvanists call it. Inescapable conviction which leads to lifelong and willful participation in the suffering. May it always be so.

"See, my servant will act wisely; he will be raised and lifted up and highly exalted. Just as there were many who were appalled at him—his appearance was so disfigured beyond that of any man and his form marred beyond human likeness--so will he sprinkle many nations, and kings will shut their mouths because of him. For what they were not told, they will see, and what they have not heard, they will understand."

Isaiah 52: 13-15

human still...sort of

a couple of days ago I saw this logo on a shirt on some guy in the library...I was about ready to bang my head through a computer screen so it was a very good thing he walked by when he did. I got to laughing and couldn't remember why I was mad at the computer.

I wish it wasn't so true for me these days...I'm running on fumes and a fair amount of adrenaline...and coffee...and some days it nearly succeeds in making me human again. I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever shake this feeling of constant stress and strain...come on Easter break!!

pray if you think of it...or send me the biggest coffee mug the world owns...it's Monday again!

The Far Country

Home again…finally. The past month has been practically non-existent for all of the traveling and performing that I’ve done with various groups. I’ve seen some great places, spent time on the beach, gone through huge airports, tasted new foods, heard new music, and visited relatives and old friends. But there is nothing like home to soothe the soul like balm. We arrived at 4:15 am this morning after 20 ish hours in transit from the Dominican Republic. No one was awake of course when I got home, but just the smell of the house and the feeling of my own bedsheets was more comforting than I could ever have guessed. That and the reassurance that I don’t have to use a bus, plane, or train in the foreseeable future. Hooray for solid ground!

There is tons to share about my most recent trip, but I’ll stick to the highlights as I have an insane amount of catch up to do before school starts again tomorrow. If you’re looking for full sentences you’ve come to the wrong place.

Thursday, March 16th
~4 days after coming home from Miami I began packing my suitcase again. Tons of clothes for tropical weather and concerts alike…my days of “light packing” are clearly gone.
~Spent a few hours with Matt, who dropped me off at Millikin in time to go to Faith’s recital and then load the vans.
~We drove to Chicago in 3 vans and made it in by about 11:30
~Checked into a cheap hotel for a few winks

Friday, March 17th
~Awoke at 3:30 for a shower and re-loaded the equipment (24 pieces including a drum set and amps) in a shuttle.
~Flight from Chicago to Miami.
~Storm in Miami, detour to Ft. Lauderdale, Arrived in Miami 2 hours late
~Sprinting through airport to catch flight
~Flight to DR…we made it but our luggage did not…6 hours in a foreign airport desperately trying to remember high school Spanish. We DID however discover “BON”…a chain of ice cream that got us through the rest of the trip.
~Finally recovered luggage, loaded all into a bus for a 2 hour ride to La Romana.

Saturday, March 17th
~Checked into hotel to sleep a bit
~Visit to local bakery (which we ended up frequenting every day)
~Drive back into the city…we were featured on a Saturday afternoon live TV show…quite intimidating and lots of fun. We’re famous already?? J
~Free night and fun meal at a Shishkabob place before hitting the outdoor bars for cigars.

Sunday, March 18th
~Singers taught a singing clinic at a local arts council downtown. Thanks to the translator we might have gotten a few words through…we had fun singing for them then…music knows no language barrier.
~Into the city square to watch a huge annual parade celebrating “Carnival” (similar to Mardi Gras but 3 weeks long, more violent, and more chaotic)…culture shock firmly established.

Monday, March 19th
~Sang for a catholic school assembly…great show in a semi-outdoor gym…we felt a lot like rock stars and signed a lot of autographs.
~Sang at a bar/restaurant (in that order…) in the city square for a very appreciative audience.

Tuesday, March 20th
~Beach day!! Snorkeling, volleyball, Frisbee, photography, tanning, and relaxing.
~Viewed a show at an outdoor amphitheater at a resort village called “Altos de Chavon”…great food, cheesy entertainment, and lots of very rich people.

Wednesday, March 21st
~Show at another school…very fun again
~Drive into Santo Domingo, the capital city…checked into new hotel on the colonial square…very beautiful
~Show at a ritzy bar for some people who actually spoke some broken English. Nice to hear.

Thursday, March 22nd
~Performance at a huge school which is entirely bilingual. 1200 students, most of whom know 3 languages and have a great grasp on Computer technology, the arts, and both Dominican and US history. I felt dumb.
~Show at International Cultural college for a large audience on a beautiful stage. ~Randomly ran into the mother of a girl who stayed with us in the States on an exchange 7 years ago. Crazy small world!!

Friday, March 23rd
~Free morning…I took the chance to get to see my Cousin who lives down there. I had never met her husband and her little boy, who are both as sweet as can be. I enjoyed seeing her house and catching up on her life. She also got to see a concert.
~Shopping in the Mercado in the city…Faith and Marc and I got really good at bartering and brought home some great stuff!!
~Show at an outdoor cultural stage in a huge plaza…great dinner at a refurbished old stone tavern which was far too nice for a bunch of college students.
~The show was stalled in the middle of the group that went before us when the power went out…no problem…the sound guys spliced the wires in some nearby street lights to get enough power for the stage lights and the sound system. Only in the DR…
~We finally sang, and had a fun show…on the cutoff of our last song there was a torrential downpour and so we all frantically grabbed equipment and drums and microphones and threw it under the stage…then played in the rain for a good half hour. Everything was soaked and we spent a great portion of the evening drying things off with towel and hair dryers. Bonding experience for sure!!

Saturday, March 24th
~The group had arranged a pop song that just came out in the DR for One Voice to sing, and the crowds loved it. So, we ended up taping a performance of it on the same TV show before we headed for the airport. Tough to realize that we were headed back to a place where no one would know/care who we were… J
~Headed to the airport for a long day of transit
~Only lost two pieces of luggage on the way home…not bad

Dang…that was the short version?? I’ve got to work on that…

All that to say, we had a fabulous time…the group was really great, and despite the unavoidable drama and occasional squabbling, we enjoyed each other immensely. Our group is young and not too confident about our “gel” as a group for the most part. The trip showed us just how compatible we were on and off stage and that really helped to cement our shows. It wasn’t the most relaxing of spring breaks, but it was definitely a blast.

Yesterday on the plane I was listening to Andrew Peterson’s “Far Country” album. It is a thought provoking and beautiful collection of songs that talk about heaven. Heaven’s a thing we don’t think about in specific terms very often. It is so far away, so distant from reality, and so unimaginable. Peterson’s lyrics speak of the craving and the emptiness that should be apparent in our lives because we are not “home” yet. C.S. Lewis puts it another way, “If there is a unquenchable craving that nothing in this world can satisfy, I must conclude that I was created for another world.”

I loved the trip, I loved the new culture and the energy of travel and exploring new foods and art and music. I loved finding new pieces of myself in the tapestry of another “world.” But there is nothing there that would satisfy as fully as this home in little Decatur does.

Home again…and loving it. Loving the familiar, the safe, the warm, and the joyous feeling that survives in my home by the grace of our savior. And yet, I was struck that even this is a far country, which despite it’s blessings has downfalls and shortcomings and limited joy. Somewhere out there is a perfect place, which provides the ultimate balm and peace, for it will fit around my heart like a lock fits around a key. It is what I was created for. And while this weary traveler will continue to appreciate what she sees and experiences and explores, she must never forget that little longing in the back of her mind. It is the key to the perseverance of all else.

“And I long to go there, I can feel it too
And the sun that’s shining is a shadow of the truth
This is a far country, not my home…”

The Layover

It's a Wednesday night (technically Thursday morning) and I'm sittin down to blog. Seems to weird to go to bed right now as it's still before two and I haven't done that in longer than I can remember. Tonight a cold front is moving in, clearing away the glorious weather that we have had the last few days, but bringing in the much needed rain. Yay for spring and completely unpredictable weather.

We are back from Miami and officially done with ACDA stress...It went fantastically well; thank you so much to all of you who were praying for and thinking about us. We received so much praise and appreciation...3 standing ovations and glowing reports from some of the "big dogs" of choral music. Dad was certainly honored well, as he should have been...I've never been so proud of him. We got back into Decatur from St. Louis Saturday night and got up early Sunday to go to Chicago for a One Voice gig. After that drive I was pretty much ready to say that I never want to see another moving vehicle.

So, for my week on solid ground, I took midterms, finished papers, and tried to figure out how to best prepare for the upcoming weeks. Seems like I haven't had the chance to breathe in so long! Spent a ton of time studying for my organic test today (which may or may not have gone so well...) and also got to hang out with Matt, who's on spring break and willing to flex with my insane schedule. :)

After 4 days of "layover" here in Decatur, we will hit the road tomorrow evening for Chicago yet again, fly back to Miami (is someone measuring efficiency here??), and then on to the Dominican Republic for One Voice tour. I'm a bit hesitant about the trip right now, but I think most of that is cause I'm tired and wanting to stay home. I'm sure it's going to be an absolute blast though, and it won't take me long at all to re-discover my love for traveling.

All that to say, I'll be out of touch for a little over a week here...leave me voice mail and comments and Facebook messages and I'll get them when I get back! Love to you all in your various galavantings...May He give you the grace to continue to travel down whatever road He has placed you on. I'm glad our paths cross every once in a while!

Blessings~

The Toilet Tribune and the power of prayer

Our campus has a fantastic new little publication that is providing vital information to all us college kids. It's called the "Toilet Tribune" and is placed on the insides of all the stall doors for our reading pleasure. Its a fun way to waste time and catch up on the goings on while you...well...you know. :)

Today the "you know you're a college student if..." section caught my eye, here are some of my favorites:

...if you find yourself wearing the same pair of jeans for the 13th day in a row without washing them
...if your room is so cold that the toilet water freezes over
...if your trash can is overflowing and your bank account isn't
...if you need a shovel to find the floor in your room
...if your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles
...if you get more sleep in class than you do in your room
...if your spare time is spent playing Guitar Hero and watching the Office
...if the average amount of cold, hard cash you carry in your pocket is $0.73

It's Friday. After a fluke day of 50 degree weather and tornado warnings yesterday we are back in freezing temps. I've got the upper respiratory crud and can't remember the last time that I put on makeup before classes. I'm pretty physically worn down...haven't had a weekend without a musical production or a wedding since Christmas break and I have also been working pretty hard on Intervarsity leadership these past few months...this weekend we do have one concert, but I'm praying that I'll have the chance to get some rest too. I'm in desperate need of some "margin" in my life and a good 14 hours of sleep or so.

I also have quite a bit of school work (lab reports, studying, and READING in STACKS) to do this weekend in preparation for next week's ACDA convention. We will leave at noon on Tuesday and drive almost straight through to Florida. I can think of a few things that are a little more fun than 24 hours on a bus with 50 people, but then again it will promote a certain air of "togetherness"...which we will need during our performances. We will sing for up to 4000 people by the time we leave on Saturday, most of whom are choir directors from all over the world. Awesome. Even more awesome to see my Dad's life dream come true...pray for his stress level over the next few days.

One Voice will dodge the bus ride home(Hooray!) by catching a flight in because we have another concert next Sunday afternoon. Then it's home for a few days of midterms (right after having missed 3 days of school...that one should be fun) and then off to the Dominican Republic for spring break/One Voice tour!! I'm so blessed by the opportunity to travel so much and hang out with all my nerdy music friends (and by nerdy, I mean cooler than the science geeks...aka cooler than me).

I should mention that God is really doing some miraculous stuff at Millikin this year. And He's using my friends and I to do it through. There is nothing more invigorating. nothing more rewarding than seeing Christians come together and dare to put faith in a God we can't see and a cause we can't scientifically explain. The team is taking risks, evangelizing, pursuing people of many different backgrounds, serving the needy, trying to get involved in a city ministry, and seeking visibility on campus. We long to be a part of a harvest in a place that often looks like an abandoned field.

Last night we had a concert of prayer...35 people in a room alternatively praying aloud en-mass and sitting silently for 10 minutes at a time and singing the great hymns of the faith. We confessed, we praised, we sought God's calling, we put on submission. We're college kids; broke, tired, stressed, stupid, and messy. But I don't think we've ever been more confident of the calling that we share. We wondered anew at the power of the blood of Christ not just to forgive, but to redeem and to give purpose to each of us sinners. And we stood ashamed at our constant desire to "work to make things happen" rather than submitting to the will of a Father who has already perfectly designed our lives.

"Prayer is cooperating with God to bring about His plan, not trying to bend Him to our will. As we abandon our own desires in submission to the One who knows our circumstances far better than we ever could, and who “knows what you need before you ask” (Matthew 6:8), our prayers reach their highest level. Prayers offered in submission to the Divine will, therefore, are always answered positively, whether offered by one person or a thousand. Here is true power in prayer."

March already...and suddenly 2 more years of college seems too short. That's only 20 more issues of the toilet tribune and 24 more months of "practice" before hitting the real world. Guess we'd better not waste any time.

windows

Thursday evening and a ten minute window with nothing to do. That never happens. Going out with the girls for dinner tonight before an IV meeting and so at the moment I'm stuck on campus with the choice of practicing my already strained voice or wasting time on the computer till they are ready to leave. my choice? duh...

The wedding is happening...really and truly. This isn't just a fairy tale any more or a dream of what will happen "some day"...it is a fully realized event...complete with plane flights in motion as we speak and flowers being delivered and a rehearsal tomorrow afternoon.

I'm a little stressed out. I'm not stressed out by the details and the frenetic parents and friends like I thought I would be. Things are rolling pretty smoothly and despite a few normal glitches everything has gone well so far. I'm stressed that on Saturday I will witness a life change of unexplainable magnitude. I'm creeped out that I wrote a maid of honor speech for the reception last night. I'm completely in disbelief that I bought a wedding card this afternoon (it's a freakin' card...why is it such a big deal??). Somehow, it's the little things...all those moments that catch me off guard and make me realize, perhaps for the first time what is really happening. The little moments that collect and then suddenly bowl me over all at once.

I'm excited too....today I bought all the stuff for the girl's party tomorrow night...it's gonna be crazy fun. I talked to Tina today about her new mailing address and the recipients "Mr and Mrs. Zachary Vernon"...and realized just now that in 24 hours I'll be standing on a platform listening to them practice their vows. I can't wait to see her dress and hair and veil all together...to see his face when she first comes around the corner, and to watch as this massive event takes place in the presence of all their guests.

It's hard to believe, looking back, all the stuff that we have all journeyed through to reach this point. And even more unbelievable is the magnificent view that has suddenly come into view as we reach out and touch the window in front of us. We have viewed it from a distance for a long time and have seen the trees distantly through it...but tomorrow the glass will become hard against our fingers and the trees will become a thin screen, and beyond them we will see the high bluff which rushes down into the valley below and the road that stretches for miles in miniature size. And we will see the next window...the next step, somewhere in the distance...as seemingly un-attainable as the one we are now standing next to.

Its funny how all the steps that will get us there will be small and seemingly insignificant. Lord help me appreciate every one.

School of Coffee

Wednesday, 8:30 pm

Starbucks
Cinnamon Dolce Latte
Death Cab for Cutie playing in the ear buds
Muscles buzzing from recent work-out
Pondering the meaning of life

It was a day of random intelligence and smoke producing brain exercises. I learned that Salticidae spiders have enlarged anterior median eyes. I also learned that I don’t know how to sing with any amount of vibrato. I also learned that resonance can drastically effect the acidity of organic compounds. Then I headed for philosophy class. It doesn’t matter how much I try to prepare myself for this experience, it is always more of a challenge than I am ready for. I do the reading…I think of possible discussions that will ensue. I create crushing replies to said arguments. I then end up sitting in class with my eyebrows ruffled, reading and re-reading the scribbles on the board and trying to piece together the differences between human rationality, psychology, and morality.

The arguments are as dizzying as they are fascinating. The human brain is complex enough at a biological level. But when you begin to try to understand the interplay between intention, desire, and reason, the web of the mind looks denser than I ever anticipated. In actuality, the idea of trying to pinpoint what makes man “tick” is impossible. And yet, there is a part of each of us that could find such scientific simplicity very attractive. At the same time, we do not trust ourselves to be this predictable. After all…we are man…the only creatures in the world who have not just intelligence but an understanding of consequence, future/past, and even eternal significance. Everyone believes something about the meaning of life, even if there is none…and the process of deciding what we believe is the very foundation of human existence.

If not for an eternal future, why would anyone be moral?? If not for consequences, would any of us ever do what is right? What is the basis for “right” action? Desire? Emotion? Altruism? Cooperation? Self-promotion? Each of these and more are adopted by philosophers of every stripe and color. And no one is any closer to an answer.

I sit in my seat each day, “the Christian”…trying to formulate answers, smart remarks, out of the box and intelligently stimulating ideas. Today I gave up. After all…what use is it to ask more questions…there are enough on the table already. Today I took the liberty of seriously asking myself if I would follow God and His laws were it not for either a fear of hell or a need for His unfailing love. The ideas of faith and belief aside, I cannot think of one other reason to follow Him. It is not rational (unless you consider the fact that my desire to believe promotes my actions, which makes it individually rational), it is selfish (I believe it will promote my own interest), and ultimately it is my fence, my safety net, my way of coping with life. Under the premise of secular philosophy, my actions are very justified; I have plenty of reasons to pursue God. But to me these reasons seem black and insufficient.
Did God intend for me to love and follow Him because I fear punishment?? Did He know that I would use Him as an excuse to cope? Did He understand that were it not for my hope in His faithfulness and His love I would never pay any attention to His existence, let alone His rules?

I feel black. Stripped to my spiritual core by a secular study. And yet, it isn’t secular. It asks the deepest and most complex questions we can ask about the most difficult things in life to understand: our reasons for living.

I am unworthy to be loved when my motivations are so selfish. I feel bad that I am comforted so easily and handed a perfect answer to all of the questions of life. I am confused when I see that the answer is really nothing but a set of questions on a larger, supernatural scale. Yet absent from any way to explain my reasoning, and conscious of the fact that my motivations are completely self-seeking, I do believe. I do place my trust in a truth that I can not feel, touch, or even analyze. And while I know that before this semester is over I will be ridiculed for my lack of “understanding the human plight” I hope that I’ll have the courage to say that I understand it very well…and so does my Father. The only thing more ridiculous than me loving a God that I cannot explain is God loving me, when he sees the blackest, deepest, and most selfish intentions of my heart and life.

And perhaps that is, finally, the thing which philosophy fails to take into account. …something that changes everything and yet is so intangible that it can hardly be considered. Love. That’s what I have that no amount of reason and question can touch. It’s the thing that I feel which requires my attention. It’s the thing that I desire above all else in this world. And it’s the thing which my Lord and Savior gives away without question.

We have come to know and believe in the love that God has for us. God is love, and the person who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. This is how love has been perfected among us: we will have confidence on the day of judgment because, while we are in this world, we are just like him. There is no fear where love exists. Rather, perfect love banishes fear, for fear involves punishment, and the person who lives in fear has not been perfected in love.

We love because he first loved us.
1 John 4:16-19


Starbucks, nearly closing time
Empty coffee cup and an undisturbed book bag still sitting beside me
Norah Jones playing over the loudspeakers
Mind buzzing with the warmth of unreasonable understanding
Pondering the meaning of Love

Why?

It’s one of those days that begs the question…

Why is the wind-chill in the negative teens when most of December felt like spring?

Why did the Chicago Bears play so crappy in the Super Bowl?

Why did I agree to book my weekend so completely tight that I could hardly see the friends who came home to visit (two of whom will be married by the next time we have a movie night together)?

Why is Organic Chemistry important...no scratch that…why is Organic even PERMITTED to exist?

Why isn’t dark chocolate considered a vegetable?

Why is my brother in Junior high and my sister discussing college plans?

Why is my room in a perpetual state of chaos where piles are more common than carpet spots??

Why was there a “harvest moon” on February 2^nd??

Why are girls so darn emotional?

Why are chocolates and teddy bears considered the valentine’s day gifts of choice?? Why not pecans and stuffed penguins??

Why does it seem like I don’t have time to “do college” for everything else that’s going on in my life??

Why do egg rolls always taste better with hot mustard on them?

Why isn’t Ultimate Frisbee an Olympic sport?

Why doesn’t Illinois have any mountains?

Why am I so good at giving advice and so bad at taking it?

Why is everyone getting married?

Why are changes so difficult for me to process, and would I really cope with boredom any better?

Why are the simplest things in life sometimes the most difficult to describe??

Sorry...my ramble is a bit like a 3 year old's today. I find that sometimes by just getting all my questions out I can forget about the need to answer them all...lets hope...

The Anatomy of Me

...Just checking in with a diagnosis of my sanity levels...doesn't look to good does it? The truth of the matter is that for many of us, the ability to emote is the preserver of sanity, and not an indication of it's absence. So, I'm here to to explain how mood swings and goofy faces can tell you (or me) more about me. Best of luck in discovering a worthwhile application for this information.

Upper left hand corner is often used for those moments when academic load is just too much. Sure, it would be much more satisfying if I did it to a person and not a book, but you have to settle for what you can get...

Top right...I wish I could say this is an unusual face, but my family can attest to the fact that I have it on just about every morning.

Middle right is a pretty good representation of my "attempting to stay awake during molecular biology" face. I've got a nasty cut on my lip from when I bit just a little to hard... :)

Just to the left of that is the classic "I forgot to study for my lab quiz AGAIN!" face.

Look left once more for the "I hate Org. chem with a passion from deep within my soul" expression.

Second from the right on the bottom pretty much personifies my inability to understand drama in life...whether from weddings and old friends or from intervarsity planning and choir rumors. Its the face you make when you just don't get it.

Of course, I'm glad that the bottom right one is last, because its the face that I make a lot these days. "Keep on Keepin' on" screams of a desire to smile no matter what, not just because it may make someone else's day, but because it really does improve your sense of sanity. ...well, that may be taking it to far...but you know what I mean.

So, now that we got that cleared up, have a great day...and don't forget to EXPRESS YOURSELF! =)

Back in the saddle...

Wow….blogging was just one of the several things that I saw myself doing a lot over break…yet here I sit on the first day of classes, ready to throw myself back into the chaos and only now sitting down to fill you in on the last month.

The tests are done and grades in…it was a relief to see my hard work pay off. And then, glorious break. I had a great time doing stuff with friends of course. Enjoyed time with the family and got to help mom through her first week after foot surgery. We had a quiet Christmas at home devoid of company and the general Christmas panic. It was lovely. I’m struck again how much the season has been cheapened…not from a lack of attention but from a determination to overemphasize some of its least important aspects. It was nice to be able to just relax in it. Not that we didn’t do our fair share of partying…about 40 people from church were over on Christmas eve to enjoy food and watch Brian Regan.

New year’s was also a little different this year…the parents decided it was time for a year off of the traditional family sleep over…but the kids revolted and planned a party anyways. We carried on as usual playing games, forming a parade through the neighborhood, and staying up until ridiculously late having girl talk. Great stuff.

It was really interesting to me as I enjoyed the company of old friends how much everyone is changing. Usually change causes me to panic, but I think that more than anything this break just hit me in the face with it. At each family gathering or date for coffee it became more and more evident that we are becoming adults…each pursuing different goals, creating different priorities, and exploring new ideas about life, truth, and love. I think that my greatest fear in seeing my friends go off to college last year was that they would come back home knowing and feeling all sorts of things that I didn’t. I feared a disconnect that would make some of our friendships nearly impossible to maintain. Little did I know that it would be a full year before I felt any of that at all. And even now, there is less frustration than there is curiosity in the observation of this process. In fact, for a few friends these changes have made our relationships all the more interesting. In all areas though, I find that my closest friends from home have stopped being my security because of their similarities and started being my kaleidoscope. This break warranted so many interesting conversations about philosophy, spiritual experiences, challenges with connecting to friends and classmates, dating, and etc. And I also discovered that I have changed more than I ever thought possible. Even through I still live at home and in many ways see myself in the same way as I did in high school, I can’t deny how much my ideas and personality and focus have shifted.

And so, after getting re-aquainted and handling a few friend crisis points, I felt very good about the break…and then promptly left the state for choir tour. I’ve loaded up on that bus many times in my life, but never as an actual member of the choir. It was a truly crazy fun experience. We went all the way to Washington DC, sang in the national cathedral and got to enjoy so much in the way of fun and memories on the way. Our concerts went great and we got to see a lot of alumni during the travels. Also got to see Dennis and Donna, the Yurchaks and some of the Costerisan clan…thanks for coming guys!

Tour is over for a few days as we come back for the beginning of classes, then we head back up to the Chicago area this weekend for a few more shows. And for now, that’s all I can really tell you about life because Organic chemistry is coming right up. One more semester here I come!!

Blessings on you all as you dive into a new year…
Morgs

Wow....

It has been a long week:

finals
crazy lab projects
drama among friends
movie nights in an attempt to relieve stress
later nights as a result of the movies
concerts everywhere
emotional strain of changes that are suddenly upon us
friends leaving town

It has been a good week:

movies
friends
egg nog and cookies
the Polar Express
Intervarsity Leadership transfers
reading christmas books from my childhood
christmas dinner and memory sharing
friends coming home

the "impossible semester" is quickly drawing to a close whether I like it or not. And in another 48 hours I will like it...a lot. 2 more days and I'm out of here!

The Lord is the Rock, the rock eternal...

the storm

seems to be a bit of a weather theme in my last few blogs...maybe it's an omen, I'll let you decide what it means

Not much time to write but I wanted to at least attempt to document my weekend. Vespers was humming along merrily when suddenly on Thursday night it started to rain...hard...and long...and cold. And by late that evening, there was a thick layer of ice covering EVERYTHING. It was really incredible...it kept raining, but the air was cold enough to produce a good 3/4 of an inch of ice on every branch of every tree, every railing, every light post and telephone wire. By 11:00 when dad and I left millikin, my car was nearly frozen solid, and the drive home was trecherous...there were branches down everwhere, power lines literally laying in the street, and slick roads everywhere. At home, 3 large branches had already fallen off of our large tree due to the weight of the ice. Our power went out around midnight and we all slept in the basement in case a limb decided to come through a window. The forest in our back yard was sounded like an avalanche every time a branch fell.

Friday morning after very small amounts of sleep between crashes, we awoke in a cold dark house...but, good news! Every school in the area INCLUDING millikin was cancelled for the day. My friend Aaron woke me up with tidings of great sledding, so we headed to the park and rounded up a gang to eat icicles, have a snowball fight, and throw ourselves pell-mell down the only hill in Decatur. A random family (3 adorable kids, a dog, and a photographing dad) joined us and we were cold and happy. We ate icicles and rolled in the snow...then went and had pancakes and movies at Holly and Mel's. Yay snow days. The snow and the ice and the crisp sunny day were SO beautiful...and through all the destruction that beauty was even more evident.

After a very long and relatively relaxing day, I finally made my way to my car to head home. No luck opening the door. Called up to the apartment asking for a boy and some hot water to help me. Aaron and I wrestled with the car door for a good 20 minutes before finally realizing that all the water had simply sealed the car shut. lovely. I left my car in it's frozen state for morning and only wiped out on the ice once on the way to his car. Oh ice...how I love you.

Saturday morning we awoke in our powerless house VERY cold...went to McDonalds for b-fast just to get something hot. I begged a hot shower off my buddies and was once again greatful for their hospitality.

Vespers was NOT cancelled, and it came off very well...we had large crowds for every show and all the hard work paid off. It is always amazing to me how satisfying it is to be a part of something bigger than yourself. Vespers is one of those shows that requires so much, but the return is huge. It is also a great bonding weekend...littered with meals and both mental and physical sweat with the gang.

4 days after the storm the trees are still covered in ice (well, what's left of the trees), it is about 15 degrees outside, and the Holmes house (along with hundreds of others) is still without power. I'm at the Bosticks, marveling at how fast the weekend flew and wondering how on earth I'm going to get through this week which is already brimming full.

Tonight my fortune cookie read, "The days ahead will provide un-anticipated support. Receive it graciously." I hate it when fortune cookies nail me on the head...yes, this week is going to be rediculously hard...but if this weekend is any indication, I do not need to worry about support, I need to worry about my ability to accept it. I'm such a pig-headed independant. I must learn how to take the blessings God sends my way as true gifts and not as insults to my ability to handle things. hmmm....

It's late, and I have to get up early to go raid my house for books (I'd go now, but it's too dark to see anything)...so I must to-bed now. Good night world...see you after finals!!

Fog

break is only about 24 hours away, but I'm a bit in a fog tonight. I'm faced with 85 pages of reading about how the American culture is dying a slow and painful death...that on top of a rather lengthy paper (ok, one that needs to be lengthy and as of yet isn't) and a pile up lab projects, readings, papers, and assignements that are about to slip into the "do over break (haha)" pile.

The back has been a little on the shady side lately, so I'm transforming my computer chair into something semi-ergonomic...the computer on the window seat in the living room and my knees on the carpet. yay carpet.

Vespers rehersals are in full swing, although the next few days will present some well needed vocal rest. Choir and jazz are both much more taxing than anything I did last year. Taxing and completely rewarding...there is nothing that helps relieve me from the stress of sciences more than a good rehersal full of mental sweat and physical strain surrounded by equally dedicated musicians. So fun. Today was load in, so suddenly the stage is covered with risers, trees, and sweaty freshman (who's task it is to move entire rows of steel seats from the balcony to the basement)...tis the season.

This weekend I got to spend a good amount of time with the soon-to-be-weds...practiced for wedding hair, went bowling, played cards...great fun. Also attended Jill's senior recital (AMAZING!!), watched "Cars" with the gang (while marveling at their abilitiy to get a bunch of college kids feeling sentimental about a racecar and a rusty tow-truck), and out for some pretty amazing ice cream...the Tiramasu flavor rocks my world...

Life is foggy...foggy in purpose, foggy in future, foggy in motivation. I'm finding a difficulty recently in understanding how my actions and decisions today are going to affect my state of being in the next week, let alone month or year. Especially in relationships, this proves to be increasingly confusing. Maybe I've hit another hyper-analytical state (not unusual for me) but I am certainly feeling some strain. The very best I can do, I've decided is to keep my mind as much on others as I can...self-centeredness is undoubtably the most destructive portion of my day to day life. As I get myself into un-anticipated tangles with those around me, I do my best to keep from getting bogged down by drama, and to give back all I can. What else is a girl to do?? No one ever said that relationships followed a formula. Thank goodness...that's what makes them so intensely enjoyable!!

so that's all...and hopefully this here fog will clear in due time. For now, it serves as a good reminder of my lack of strength and insight. I'm so clueless some time. So much lost in foggy darkness without a flashlight. And despite the helpless state that I'm in, there's something comforting about having your hands tied...it means that you are NOT the person to accomplish the amazing victory. That's someone else's job.

"Take my will and make it thine
It shall be no longer mine
Take myself and I will be
ever, only, all for thee
ever, only, all for thee"

Foggy or no, my destination is sure...alleluiah

hanging on...

the weeks fly
the friends rock
the tests loom
the cold will NOT go away
the schedule eats me

...and somehow we're already scheduling next semester...gah!! a break perhaps?

No, sometimes life is better, I think, when it moves so quickly that you can't ever get to feeling like you're in control of it. And that's what I'd do if I had things going all my way at an even steady pace. I'd lose dependance on my friends, my family, and my savior...and I would probably waste a lot of time too. ( the past hour at the computer wasn't wasted...it was a 'rest')

Life hanging on to a stem in a 90 mile an hour windstorm could be a lot worse. you get to see and experience things rapid fire. Birthdays, apple pie, bonfires, Anchorman, Vespers rehersals, games of "red rover", campus recitals, evangelism training, test taking, internship searching, wedding planning, poster making, random trips to DQ and steak n shake for sustinance.

...and while the pace is dizzying, God is being so faithful to me. I'm learning more than I ever thought there was to know...and for the most part, loving it. I'm drawing closer to people who are sharpening me. I'm teaching, but I'm also learning. Counceling and being counceled. Enjoying the sweet spirit of God in my friends who know him, and doing my best to spread that "irresistable grace" to those who don't. I'm becoming more concious of sin, of predjudice, and of straight up fear in my own life. And I'm being given the opportunities to address them.

and as I use the "grip" God gave me to keep my cool, I'm also basking in the knowledge that without Him I am nothing. I am dust. A clay jar. A mere mortal.

But God has chosen the weak, the useless, the sinners, the foolish, and the uber-busy. ...he has promised to take those hearts that are surrendered to him and indwell them with His power. Amen, and may I never forget!!

Advising day is over...turkey day approaches. Buckle in and hold on tight!!

Peace and blessings to you all,
Me

message from Brain type B

Our minds are curious things…ok, well, my mind is at least. There are days, even weeks at a time, that I am completely occupied by one heavy, deep, and real thing in my world and nothing else seems to stick. I take tests, hold conversations, and handle all the daily thoughts, but they are all really in “peripheral vision” compared to the central issue or grand focus. If you read my last blog, you probably can get a sense of what that looks like. I get frustrated when I am like this because I end up skipping over all the day-to-day joys and struggles in my attempt to single-handedly solve one of life’s great mysteries.
But then, there are days that my struggle against the force of humanity succumbs to the monotonous and common and I am forced, and rather relieved, to find myself solely focused on the day to day. What I tend to notice at these points is that the periphery has some pretty great things to offer. My past few days of existence have focused me on the following:
~ On Thursday, someone walked up to me in choir and handed me a huge jar full of candy corn, with a masking tape label of “934” on the top…closer inspection revealed that at some un-remembered point in the week I myself had penned “850” on a paper next to my name. I may have been 84 pieces off, but evidently that was close enough.
~ I watched Pride and Prejudice…and enjoyed some very stimulating conversations about it with the females in my family, and some very funny ones with the males.
~ The Cardinals pulled off a spectacular victory and became the new World Champions…it was one of those rewarding victories that my family rarely experiences since we always root for the underdog in every sporting event no matter what. This triumph will likely be repeated until my children are grown.
~ I had my first serious “college/rest of your life” discussion with Casey. (gulp…COLLEGE???)
~ We visited the King Tut exhibit at the field museum in Chicago, and although the mummy itself was not present, I was enthralled as never before with every piece of pottery and statuette.
~ I had my first true concerts in University Choir and discovered that I have already fallen in love with the group.
~ I caught a vicious head cold and slept for 14 hours in one afternoon and night. NyQuil is my friend.
~ Matt and I made up the best word in existence, “uber-woot”….and assigned a definition and proper usage rules.
~ I got to take a well deserved fall break and fill it with hospital work, family time, and yes, studying.
~ I ate a steak at Texas Road House…yeah buddy…

For now, I have no theological questions to ask, no mind bending issues to discover, no political or social agendas to challenge. My life is as it seems…precious, full, and fleeting. Nothing more, nothing less. And until Monday, when my mind desires once again to take on humanity, I’ll be happy to keep it that way.

Veritas Vincit ~ Truth Conquers

I’m having one of those weeks where it seems that everything that happens around me is linked. I love it when God does this…when I learn something in one place and find the lesson repeated or embellished at every step during the next few days. Unfortunately, this particular sequence has been less of a lesson and more of an exploration of the concept of truth.

The class:
My seminar on social classes is proving to be even more frustrating than I had originally thought. Its odd, I love it for the simple fact that I am surrounded by so many naturally brilliant and genuinely curious people. I am, however, often disgruntled by my encounters with my professor. Walking to class every Tuesday and Thursday, I have to fight back the feeling that I’m preparing myself for a battering. This professor is considered one of the best in the school, yet I find her very difficult to communicate with. Part of the reason is that we disagree on much. She is a very liberal democrat with strong socialist and feminist undertones…what’s more, she assumes a lot about the “obvious” political opinions of anyone who is truly educated. I feel a bit like I am back in high school with complete one sided teaching that borders on indoctrination at times. The only difference is that these are the exact opposites to all the packaged arguments I heard at DCS. I’m not frustrated by the presence of these poles, in fact, I think they are good for society, but I am frustrated by not feeling like there is a way to find the truth, which often seems to lie somewhere in limbo between them. In the midst of my willingness to respectfully take the other side of these arguments, I find myself holding back. I see flaws in her statistics, but I know perfectly well that those found in a lot of opposing documents are flawed too. Do I fight crap with crap? I don’t think so. In addition, I find that my questions and contradictions to her arguments are automatically met with a presupposition of my “platform” in the far right. This I suppose is fair, since I know I calculate her under a similar ruler.
And while much of what I am learning in this class I disagree with, my eyes are unquestionably being opened to a side of our society which I had before been sheltered to. It is, in a way, refreshing to feel like I’m finally getting the other side of the story…the benefits of welfare, the genuine problems with tax cuts, the truly repulsive waste that happens every day in our government. But these truths, combined with some questions about the wisdom of conservative policy, can prove to be hard to swallow. In fact, as much as I love the discovery of new points of view, I am noticing that the truth can be as disillusioning as it can be inspirational.

The verses:
Dad was sharing some verses with me the other day that proved very challenging to me. Take a peek at Matt. 13:24-30. It’s a parable that Jesus tells about wheat and weeds. The parable essentially explains that Christ knew full well that Christians would be surrounded by faithless, godless people…in fact, for some reason He desires us to continue to grow right along with them. In fact, he says, “if you pull out the weeds, you might pull out the wheat with them.” And while these verses clearly state that the parable is talking about people, I started wondering if it applies to ideas and intellect. I get the sense more and more as I am intellectually trained in a very dark place that God intentionally allows lies to penetrate my surrounding so that truth itself is not damaged by the removal of the lies. …this seems like such a paradox and an anti Christian thing to say, but let me explain. As I said above, I get the sense that very often the truth lies between two extremes. By themselves, these two poles are lies, but together, they may guide us to the truth. C.S. Lewis discusses this in Mere Christianity…he says that one of the devil’s best tricks is making us acutely aware of one evil and getting us to work so hard at steering clear of this evil that we end up falling into another. God calls us, rather, to be wise as serpents…making ourselves aware of the lies on both ends and finding a way to walk steadily between them. If this is true, than the removal of the extremes of arguments, of morality, and of opinion could be devastating to our discovery of truth. …for a fish to understand that the water it lives it is what keeps it alive, it must first be exposed to air…

The Play:
A good friend of mine was recently in an MU production of “The Crucible” which I went to see on Thursday night. It’s a story about the Salem witch trials, written as a political argument during the time of the Communist trials in the states in the 1950’s. Here in 2006, it was being used as an argument against the Bush policies for the questioning and detaining and mistreating of terrorist suspects during the war. Fair enough. I went in prepared to think critically about the political implications. I wasn’t prepared for the personal ones though.

The premise of this play goes far beyond the search for witches, the injustice of the judicial system, the consequences of vengeance, and the hipocricy and blindness of the church…it deals with truth on the deepest levels…truth in the hearts of every man on earth. Throughout the plot it becomes increasingly plain that the power of lies and hate are strong, and the truth is neither easy to discern nor comfortable to vocalize. It is by the “truth” of confession of sin that each of the accused is finally released from prison…but to confess is also to lie. For those courageous enough to choose truth over release, the gallows await. In the final scenes, the lead, John Proctor, who has fought and failed to convince the jury of the true witches, is given one last chance to confess in order to save his own life. He speaks to his wife in anguish, saying that he is more than willing to go the gallows but knows full well that to do so would be a falsehood in itself. “I am John Proctor,” he says, “in whom I see no good. I am as black as any, and to hang next to a saint would be to shame her. For me, to tell the truth would be a farce, for it would declare me a martyr when I am only a sinner.” He signs a confession with an anguished spirit, and then the pastor demands it, ready to nail to the church door. John refuses, saying that to place his name upon the door would be to condemn all of those who had already been killed. Finally, this rational causes him to rip the confession and be lead to his death.

This play asked the questions which I perceive to be the hardest of any that a Christian must grapple with: are there some elements to truth which vary based on the person? Does defense of the truth sometimes call for a lie? Is staying true to ones convictions more or less important than actions which may illuminate the truth for many in the end? It was ultimately a frustrating catch 22 and an extremely moving performance. If’ you ever get the chance, go see it.

The life:
Several times in the last few weeks I’ve been faced with the frustrating choice between speaking truth and showing grace. As a member of the body of Christ, I find this issue to be increasingly difficult. College is full of people from every different background and creed imaginable…and I’m not just talking unbelievers…I’m talking Christians too. One increasingly complex example is a new friendship that I am building with one of the freshman music majors here. He is a sweetheart, a talented musician, a Christian, and also a homosexual. He started coming to Intervarsity very soon after school started and has been quite faithful ever since. This is a very unique situation for our group…the chances of a gay guy walking into our circle is about 1/10,000…and I have been SO PROUD of my circle of friends who have taken roles in befriending, encouraging, and spiritually sharpening him already. Yet I am also scared. I believe that homosexuality is a sin…no worse or better than any other sin that any of us commit, but a sin none the less. I also believe that God calls Christians to exhort other believers in what the Bible says…I believe that God asks us to keep a watch out for sinful patterns in each other’s lives and call each other on them. I believe that the truth should be shared with boldness.

However, on a campus like Millikin, I am increasingly aware that if we drive this guy away he will be accepted with open arms into 49 other groups on campus. He has dealt with so much hatred and judgment from the church already…I do not want to become another example of a holier-than-thou community. And in the midst of all of this, I have become acutely aware of the major difference between him and myself: I am able to hide my sin…he cannot. I’ve been practicing this charade since I was little…learning how to effectively cover up my black heart with smiles and warmth and service and passion and worship. And the church is a whole group of people who have learned to do the same thing. If you want open and honest relationships that do not attempt to hide their insufficiencies the church is often the last place to go. We as believers have bought into the nonsense that our fellowships should be perfect, sinless, and unfaltering. It is no wonder that girls who become pregnant outside of marriage often just leave the church rather than facing the congregation. This is more than facing the shame of sin, it is facing a group of people and being the only one who “got caught” in sin. Surely this is not the type of church that we are called to…surely the grace of God is big enough that we can share it within our own congregations…surely we can find a way to speak truth without forever alienating our own brothers and sisters.

And yet, this “surely” is as vague and cloudy to me right now as anything. I cannot solve the puzzle. I keep praying that God will use this time of uncertainty to help me cleanse my own heart, and then give me courage to speak up when the time comes. I know that at some point this opportunity will come around. Please pray for strength to stand up in it.

And so, through the last 2 weeks and the longest blog imaginable, I am still unable to say that I understand the concept of truth. I do pray though that I may become they type of believer found in 2 Tim 2:15: Do your best to present yourself to God as an approved worker who has nothing to be ashamed of, handling the word of truth with precision.

May the truth, in the end, conquer all…

It's Monday!!! Hooray!!!

...never have I been so glad to have a weekend over... I felt like I turned into the guys I went to high school, cause all weekend I was saying to myself, "Don't worry, Monday is only ___ days away." It was a day that I regarded with both hope and fear, but in either case, it was the goal.

Today I had my first test. Scratch that...today I had my first three tests. Translation of this fact means that my weekend was CRAZINESS. Except for church, work, a rehersal, and Intervarsity, I was hitting the books all weekend. I don't ever remember studying so hard or long in my life. But now, finally, they are over and my writer's cramp can work itself out and hopefully the rock between my shoulder blades will move on. Praise the Lord for the stamina to make it through this first big bump...now let's just hope that the test scores reflect my work.

I have a whole day between me and the next test...so I'm gonna go run and listen to music for a really long time...then I'm gonna go home and take a nap.

I, Morgan Holmes, solemnly vow not to touch a text book for the next 3 hours.

HUZZAAH!

Class-y

For most people this time of year, the word “class” refers to the occupation that is suddenly consuming large portions of our life. But the word has taken on whole new meanings in the past week, and although going to class is becoming the rule and not the exception, the term “class” (and all of its forms: classy, classic, etc) is making the old brain turn.

It all started last week in my second class…it’s an honor’s seminar, which essentially means it’s a lot of smart kids and a smarter teacher who sit around for a semester and read and discuss a TON of material relating to a subject that has little to do with academics. This semester the course title is “Aesthetics and Ethics of the Social Class.” Fun.

So our prof sends us a list of 4 books (“go ahead and start on them early…take them on vacation even!”), we come to class and pay 25 dollars for another “packet” (which weighs the same amount as my chemistry text), and settle into the routine. We started the discussion with some pretty typical examinations of social classes in America. It’s a fact of life that surrounds us each day, but it’s a topic that is pretty taboo in our society. This is America…the melting pot…the land of opportunity…the home to great men who pull themselves up by their bootstraps and change the course of history. Classes?? HERE??? Surely not. Fake. That’s what our message of equality has become. Social injustice is all around…but greater than the injustice is the oh so clear lines that distinguish the group you “fit in.” This discussion was sad, but it wasn’t until the next class period that I really started to get heated.

We’re reading a text by Paul Fussell called, appropriately, “Class.” It’s about as frustrating as it is painfully “accurate.” The guy takes on the role of an omnipotent and omniscient social critic and begins ripping people’s lives apart. He talks about the “social markers” which place us into categories. The type of car you drive, whether or not you ever wear purple, or worse, purple suits. Whether your clothes have lettering on them. Your affinity for cats. The designs on your tie. The utensils on your kitchen counter. The number of times a month you go bowling. The places you visit on vacation. Where you stay when you visit those places. How much you talk about wealth and money. Where you go to church. What you serve on Thanksgiving. How you decorate your bathroom. What types of flowers you have on your table during special events. The types of metal furnishings you have in your living room. Think I’m kidding? Well, you’re wrong. And that’s just possessions and entertainment. There’s a whole other description of class as evidenced by what people do for occupations and the rest of “life.”

As we discussed his opinion in class, I found my mind wandering. I think what got to me in this guy’s book was not his information, but his tone. Flat. In your face. Blatant. And an absolutely impenetrable opinion. “Think that a purple shirt you have is cool?? Clearly you’re lost…and what’s worse, you WORKED to buy that thing. Heh…guess your kids are going to be middle class too, because only old money is really high class these days.” It’s not that I’m fighting for purple…not that I think that classes don’t exist…I’m just becoming aware more and more that my attitude is painfully similar to his.

I’m a social critic. I’m a judgmental person. My first impressions are pretty accurate for the most part…and while I usually get to know a lot of different types of people, I find them categorized even in my own brain. People watching is one of my favorite things to do…I love sitting back at soccer games or at the super market or in the business school and just observing the various bubbles of “reality” around me. I relish the crabby kid whining for more candy as much as the model and her hot man making their way to the fancy restaurant. WHY??? Who cares??

I like to think that when I observe I’m learning some psychology or studying the human existence. And maybe I am. But I’m also making assumptions, and dishing out praise or distain just as quickly. Even when I criticize with pity or understanding, at the end of the day I’m still sitting on my butt and figuring out where I am in “the grand scheme of society”…above or below them?? That is the question.

I got in my car and the commercials were on.
“Do you ever watch the millionaires around you and wonder how they got so lucky?? The truth is…THEY ARE NO DIFFERENT THAN YOU! The truth is that you too can become very rich by…”
switch of the dials…next station:
“Have you been longing for a super sleek new Ipod Nano?? Well now, you can have one absolutely FREE by…”
The same sing-songy voices everywhere.

It reminded me of my trip to Chicago a few weekends ago. I was feeling a bit out of my element because my friends were definitely a little richer than I was. We were “browsing” in stores that I couldn’t pronounce, me fingering clothing and trying on ridiculous belts with another buddy, them blowing a few hundred bucks in each store…buying whatever looked good and getting it without even trying it on. And when we walked back into the center of the shopping area, I saw a sign, with a mall logo on it, that said: “Water Tower Place: Defining You.” Defining you?? No, no…you can define what clothes people wear maybe, I thought, you can define the fashions, the brands, the most revered purses, the most expensive footwear. You might even be able to define people’s attitudes. But the people themselves?? Ha! See if I buy so much as a bubble gum ball while I’m here!! As we walked out, it hit me like a ton of bricks that they very fact that they can put that on a sign in a mall says something about the people that walk by. It means we believe it. It means we’ve bought in to the lie that we are what we wear or buy or yearn for. It used to be that we were what we ate. Now we are the shoes we walk on and the cell phones that we have pressed to our ears. And my reaction, I realize now, means that I have decided I am superior to that mindset. Better. Higher. More intelligent.

Great…that’s all I need. More categories. And another reason to elevate myself on the self classy-fication ladder.

You see, for every person who is loaded…who has 5 corvettes in their driveway, who attends Harvard, who jet-sets to an island every other weekend, and for the girl at Millikin carrying a different designer purse every day, I have a prideful answer. “I may not have money, but I’ve got work ethic.” “Sure, you’ve got a hot boyfriend, but I know how to be independent.” “I don’t waste hundreds of dollars a year on clothing…there are kids starving in Africa.” Fussell would call my reasoning “hopelessly middle class” because I feel that I have to prove myself to those who “have more.” I call it stupid. And arrogant. And fake. And some other words I can’t say.


It’s not about money, or purple, or bowling. It’s about they way that I long to uphold myself. And about the way that we all crave respect, admiration, and “status” for something.

Indeed, all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ.
A person is no longer a Jew or a Greek, a slave or a free person, a male or a female, because all of you are one in Christ Jesus.
And if you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham's descendants and heirs according to the promise.
Galatians 3:27-29

…sheesh…what more status do I think I need than the identity of Christ himself?? The rub?? This status requires us to put ourselves aside. To lose our lives for his sake. To humble ourselves in his sight and the sight of all men around us.

I have no clue how to do this. And something tells me that wearing purple for the rest of my days and hugging cats as often as possible won’t help. So now I have to go read the last 120 pages of Fussell’s book…and I pray that it may open another window for me, not to look on the black and white lines of social class around me, but to look at myself, and the desperately selfish mindset I have fallen into.

Hope you all are doing amazingly well…another more optimistic (and hopefully shorter) post to follow. Blessings~

Round 2:

school...yeah....I do that now

Many books, many notebooks, many syllabi

auditions over...no information yet...I live with the guy who makes the call...weird

Outreach for new students every night this week...attempting to draw freshmen into IV

Sick...already...sore throats and sneezes in August bite hard

awesome to see everyone again...spending tons of time at the Woods with buddies

it's raining outside...I love rain

I'm drinking hot tea....I love hot tea

time to go home....I love home